Well it has been over a week...
I missed you all and want you to know that I may not have responded but I did appreciate all the emails...
Where do I start?
The meds are fine...
There are 17 cuts down my arm as I type this (so they may not be working the way they should)...
Last Saturday night hubby came home and shattered my world with these words - "I cheated while I was gone" (Yes with the whore he has been texting for the past 2 months)...
He is confused (I am leaning towards a mid-life crisis the more I read about it) and I am tired...
Sunday and Monday I was so fucking numb I couldn't breathe...
No tears no anger - Just numbness...
Never in a million years would I have expected him to say that or me to react the way I did (Good thing I was medicated otherwise I may be writing this from prison and he would have a knife hanging out of his fucking neck)...
There are other signs that point towards a midlife crisis but this stands out in the forefront...
And before you ask yes he is still talking to her and texting her and now has a picture of her as his screensaver on his phone... (GAG ME!)
"We are just friends" he says...
I say "You crossed the friendship line when you stuck your dick in her"
I can't stop talking to her he says so I took last week off of work and did a lot of soul searching...
I went to the beach and to the church parking lot and I cried like I have never cried before but not around him - He will NEVER see how bad he hurt me until he comes to his damn senses...
Somewhere I came up with I am not giving up on my marriage - We have been together 21 years and married for 19 years and this is the first time he (says him and why lie now) cheated so I am trying like hell to chalk it up as a mistake and move forward - VERY hard with her still in the picture. He has yet to show any remorse and hasn't apologized...
I got the "I love you but I'm don't now if I am in love with you speech"
Also got the "I don't know if I have any feelings for our marriage anymore"
And this is a good one - "I have loved her for 28 years"
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? I HAVE NEVER EVEN HEARD HER FUCKING NAME BEFORE RIGHT NOW!
He has reverted back to a teenager basically so now I am left holding everything...
ME - I can barely hold myself together half the damn time...
As if that wasn't bad enough we are apparently going to be evicted...
The bills are piling up since I haven't been paid in almost 3 months and his check can't cover everything...
So today I walked out of my job (with no pay)...
I went in search of something else so wish me luck...
I have questioned whether I would share this with you all but I am praying someone out there knows anything about a midlife crisis and how to stand by without being a doormat...
If so please let me know...
I will be back tomorrow...
I missed you all and thank you!
STAIND
Sometimes The Weak Become The Strong
Oy. I am SO glad you're back. Good luck with your job search-- maybe you can get a job doing what you were doing but with a bigger agency that has been around for awhile. Tradewinds? Something like that.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad the meds are working... glad you're back... not happy with what he's done to you and continues to do to you. ((HUGS))
I'll email you tomorrow with something more in depth to say. It's just way too much for a comment. I've missed you!
ReplyDeletei'm glad to see you back! i'll be honest and say that i can understand why you feel the need to make your marriage work, but i think you'd be a lot better off just concentrating on yourself and your kids. that's just my 2 cents - worth absolutely nothing, of course.
ReplyDeleteit sounds like, even though things are super messed up right now, you ARE holding it together. and i like how you are taking charge of the job thing. maybe it will inspire you to take charge of some other things....?
i heart you and am happy that you are here getting some things off your chest. please don't go away again! we care about you and are here for you. and... even though i've never met you, i do consider you a friend.
i left you an award while you were gone.
{{hugs}}
Wow, what a week. I am not sure what to even say, except your husband doesn't sound very deserving of you.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if you have ever looked into it, but if being bipolar is causing problems for you at work you can apply for disability. I receive it, because I have never been able to hold down a FT job, if you have more questions let me know.
If you need someone to talk to let me know, I can IM with you later tonight.
I wanna come and just take you away! Omg, my heart is just breaking FOR YOU! I seriously hate the line "I love you but not in love with you." I'm sorry - BULLSH**! Ahh! I probably shouldn't continue on here. (((((MAJOR HUGS))))
ReplyDeleteps. I'm so down for kicking a man in the balls and running like hell. U just give me the go!
Doll! Your so strong. Don't you see that! You heard what he said. You did not take any blame for his mistake. You are taking the time to see why is this going on. Your taking time to vent and still keeping your strength.
ReplyDeleteYou are a very very strong lady. Also so hard to walk from a job but without pay you have no other option. Stop taking this out on yourself with the cuts. They only numb you for a short time and you see the damage forever. You can do it. I know you can since your showing so much strength now!
My prayers and love surround you. Good job on taking your meds too!
I don't know what to say at all. Just glad your back, and I'm proud of how strong you are. Lots of luck on your job search. ((BIG BIG HUGS)) and thank you, as always, for sharing yourself with us. I know it's difficult, but we do care. You're in my prayers!
ReplyDeleteI can't comprehend what you must be going through. I try to understand, but I have no idea. I don't think you realize how strong you are for still standing.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the comment on my blog, I'm very grateful that my words meant something to you!
I really hate you are going though all of this and apparently alone too. I am praying for you. I will email you as well.
ReplyDeleteSerenity, just wanted to pop back over and say hi. I am amazed with the strength... the courage... the will to survive that emulates from you. You awe me, and I am so proud of you for coming back and being honest about what you're going through. I wish I could just go over there and hug you. Consider yourself surrounded by love and support from me and all your other frogs (blog friends)
ReplyDelete