"A Patient Man Has Great Understanding, But A Quick-Tempered Man Displays Folly."
It is no secret my lack of patience to anyone who knows me.
I have been trying to practice a deeper understanding of patience, however sometimes the "old me" takes over and gets the best of me.
That happened yesterday in a 3 hour text fest between husband and I.
I know better, I have learned not to get sucked in, sometimes it takes everything I have not to respond (unless it has to do with our boys).
Everything that has happened in the past 19 months, he has controlled, he now wants to control the "terms" of our divorce.
I use the word "terms" loosely because he has apparently taken a leave of his mind if he thinks I would agree to his stipulations.
I won't get into the stipulations here because that isn't what this post is about.
This is about using the Bible and twisting it to justify your choices in life.
"I prayed, I asked for a sign, God didn't give it to me, so He wants me to divorce you."
"Greed is a sin, how can you be a Pastor and ask for anything in the divorce?"
"God wants me happy so he put her back into my life"
"I need to divorce you so I can be more involved in my Church"
"I asked for forgiveness, so I am forgiven"
These are just a handful of excuses I have heard in the past few days, some of them I have heard before, some are new.
Because I believe in my marriage vows, this divorce hasn't been easy for me...
I have fought it each and every step of the way, even though because of his choices, I am free to walk.
I just can't...
99% of me wants to be done with it, to have all ties severed (except in the case of our kids), and truly if I never heard from him again, 50% of me would think I would be okay with that.
And 1% of me, still has hope that the man I met 22 years ago is somehow, some where still locked in the person he has become now.
The man I used to know now stands and throws my Faith in my face, he twists the Bible to fit whatever it is he is doing at that time and is okay with all of it.
After the text mess of yesterday, I made my way to the Church where it was my night to feed the homeless.
First I made my way to the Altar.
As I knelt in the silence, I could feel His pull all around me, I looked to the Cross right in front of me and I could feel the tears burn my eyes, the weight of the entire world felt like it was on my shoulders.
I started to recall the ugliness we had exchanged, the name calling, the evilness of the entire conversation, me, angry at him for using the Bible for justification for what he has done, sad that our 21 year marriage has come to this, doubtful that we will never be able to get past this and parent our boys as they should be.
I prayed, I asked God to forgive me because quite frankly, I give up...
A marriage with two people is hard enough, when it is just one of you fighting while the other is running, it is just about impossible and I know all things are possible with God, I just think that He has something else in store for me.
I can't fight anymore for something that isn't mine.
We were married in a Church, in front of family, friends and most importantly God almost 21 years ago, yet none of that matters to him anymore.
What matters most is himself.
I don't claim to know the whole Bible, I am fairly new at it and I will admit, I don't read it as I should.
However I do know what He says about marriage, adultery and divorce.
That was the first thing I studied when I found myself drawn back to the Church.
There are numerous passages in the Bible that speak about divorce and how much He hates it, even in the case of adultery, He would rather parties be forgiven and reconciliation take place...
They can be found in Malachi, Matthew, Deuteronomy, Ephesians etc...
No where in the Bible does it state that God is going to bring your ex-girlfriend out of your past 28 years later and set off a nuclear bomb in your marriage.
Do not twist the Scripture to fit whatever it is you are doing.
His word is right there in black and white.
If you want to do something in your life that you know is very wrong, don't use God as an excuse for why you are doing it, don't twist the commandments to fit your new lifestyle, own it.
So I'm Off To Follow In Your Steps
It Won't Be Easy, It's Safe To Say
There Are Only Two Roads I Can Walk On Down
The Road Less Traveled Is The One You Paved