Two Sides: Tears In A Bookstore....Tears On The Church Floor

"God Is Within Her, She Will Not Fall; God Will Help Her At Break Of Day"

Psalm 46:5

"Be Still And Know That I Am God; I Will Be Exalted Among The Nations, I Will Be Exalted In The Earth."

Psalm 46:10

I have spoken about Him speaking to me...

I have spoken about earth angels...

Before today, I didn't put two and two together...

I can be a bit dense sometimes, however I normally get it eventually...

I took off early Friday to just spend sometime alone...

I ended up in a Christian bookstore...

Seeking a book to try to help Tigger come to grips with what has happened...

Being new in my walk, I had no idea what I was looking for, however it was important to me that it was Faith based...

I don't want him to fault his Heavenly Father like I have...

I want him to seek the Lord when he is struggling, not run from Him...

The lady working there walked over and asked me how she could help me...

I didn't want to say the words out-loud...

I do everything I can to not let the words come across my lips...

Saying it makes it to real for me...

She asked and the words flew right out...

As I told her what I was looking for, tears welled up in my eyes...

The tears I hate, burning and hot that stream down your face with no direction...

I stood there crying and felt like I couldn't get out of that store fast enough...

She wasn't about to let me leave like that...

I never found a book with the subject I was seeking, however I walked out of there on her prayer list, with hugs from her, a couple of books and a rock with Psalm 50:15 - "Call upon me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you will honor me." printed on it...

Tomorrow I am going back to deliver her some flowers.

That is an earth-bound angel...

Someone who can see another soul in pain and goes out of their way to comfort...

Not a person who turns away...

A person who walks over and comforts a stranger just because she saw something on my face or in my eyes.

A type of person I strive to be.

I made my way back to Church last week even though my heart was still struggling...

You see most of you don't know I belong to an AME Church...

African Methodist Episcopal Church...

I however am not African American...

I was raised to treat people the way I am treated regardless of their color and I demand the same from my boys...

In my opinion there should never be a color barrier especially in this day and age...

There should never have been one to begin with...

Racism is a subject that can anger me in a heartbeat...

We are all His children - Period...

Black, White, Asian, Deaf, Blind, Mute etc...

None of that matters to Him so why in the hell should it matter to us?

I get looks in Church and I can read some of the faces...

The questions boil down to why am I there?

What business do I have in that Church?

Number one, He guided me there almost a year ago...

That is where I was baptised, that is my Church home, my Church family or so I thought...

Because of gossip and trash-talking about my Pastor, I removed myself for a month...

I missed it yet I am also stubborn...

I asked God why He put me in that Church...

Out of all the Churches here, why that one?

I was raised Baptist so why guide me to a different religion where it was apparent I wasn't wanted there by some of the members?

I always sit in the second from the front row...

I don't sit in the back because I am not hiding...

I sit alone 99% of the time unless service is packed, and I don't care...

I am there for me and I am there for Him, however I have been feeling shame...

I don't Worship the way I want to so as not to draw attention to myself...

I don't raise my hands in Praise, I don't stand when I am moved to do so, I don't Worship the way He is moving me to do and that is very shameful behavior...

So I have prayed and I have asked Him if that is truly the place for me?

If I can't give out a Hallelujah or an Amen for fear of someone looking at me then I might need to be in a different House of His.

I seriously wondered if I wanted to continue in my relationship with Him...

As usual He has different plans then I do.

As I sat in Church alone today, I silently sang along when in reality I wanted to be out of my seat, clapping along and worshiping His way...

One of my Ministers gave the Invocation...

As he knelt down at the Altar and began prayer, I had my head bowed, eyes closed as well...

Normally our Invocation can get a little lengthy however I love it, I love the reflection I have with Him at that time of peace with someone else praying...

I listened as he prayed and then I heard my name...

I actually heard "Lord please look over Sister Serenity...Wrap your arms around her and let her know this is where she belongs...Let her know that when my family and I were in our first Church, we were the only African American family in an all white Church...This is her home."

I didn't hear anything after that except my heart beating in my ears...

I had to open my eyes even with my head still bowed, I saw tears on the Church floor...

Tiny puddles wetting the old wooden floorboards...

Then I realized those were my tears on that floor...

That was when the floodgates opened, because I just heard Him answer my prayers through an earth-bound angel...

He used my Minister as a vessel to teach me a very important lesson...

He will speak to me from many different avenues and I needed to open my mind more so I could hear just what He was trying to tell me...

After service, my Minister walked up to me...

He didn't speak a word to me at first, just took me in his arms and hugged me for a good 5 minutes straight...

Then I asked him, "How could you possibly know?"

"It just came to me" was the response.

No one in Church knew that struggle...

Only G did and I know he didn't say anything...

My Father knew what was on my heart and He made sure I knew He was right there, listening and answering.