The Storm Before The Calm

"Come To Me, All You Who Are Weary And Burdened, And I Will Give You Rest."

Matthew 11:28

Anytime I feel myself becoming overwhelmed, the above verse never fails to pop in my head.

Back when I first joined the Church, I had 6 weeks of new members class and towards the end, the Pastor taught one of the classes and asked each of us to pick a favorite verse, read it and explain why you chose that one.

This was the one I picked, because I was so very weary and highly burdened, it spoke volumes to me.

I needed that rest He was promising back then and I need it still today.

However sometimes, I don't have the patience (imagine that) to wait, I want answers and results now, not later.

I want the sadness to fade, the confusion to subside, the pain to lesson, the darkness to give way to His light.

I want my life back, with or without the man I married, I want my sense of peace back.

I don't want to feel my heart skip a beat each time there is a knock at the door, fearful it is the process server that husband has been threatening me with for so long.

I don't want to have anymore dreams about "happily ever after" only to once again, wake up and see what faces me in the morning.

I don't want to hear the catch in Tigger's voice when he prays and asks God to bring his Dad home.

I know that trials and tribulations are here to test my Faith, I also know that they will produce endurance as well as perseverance, character and hope.

Persevering through the storms of life is going to test and ultimately be a proof of your Faith.

When all seems hopeless and you have no where else to turn, do you turn to Him?

I do more than I used to, however not as much as I should, it doesn't come like second nature yet, however I know in time it will.

I want to get to the point that when a storm starts, I can just look up and say "It is yours, I don't want it".

Back when this storm started, I would sit, sometimes all day and question each and every aspect of myself.

Was I not kind enough? Pretty enough? Skinny enough? Talk to much or not enough? Laugh to loud or not loud enough? My eyes are blue, maybe he wouldn't have cheated if they were green or maybe I should have had brown hair instead of blond...Was I to tall? Was I to close to my family or not close enough etc...

All day my friends, I tore myself apart, like a quilt, each stitch had to be pulled out of the seam.

Never in my life have I torn myself so far down to explain away why this happened...

Promises replayed in my head, marriage vows screamed at me, early days together played like a mind movie on repeat...

Our wedding, all the places we lived, the birth of both boys, family members who have come and gone, friends lost and new ones found...

And I always came to the same conclusion - What was so bad in our lives that he had to throw it all away?

The storm has been raging for 20 months now, some days it is calmer than other days and today I am haunted by the fact that I still have love for him, that under the right circumstances, I would actually take him back, regardless of what has transpired over the past 20 months.

So I look at my reflection and ask myself, "What is wrong with you?"

I think back to all the conversations I have had with family and friends and my Pastor, I recall most of the conversations as words of wisdom, to help me heal, to help me to continue to walk forward, yet that little piece of me would throw the door open, most likely in a heartbeat, if he just asked.

However, that doesn't seem to be His will for my life anymore.

And yes, I will admit it, I am having a hard time accepting that.

20 months later and I still don't want a divorce.

I am more open to it then I was in the beginning, however it seems so sinful to me.

I once told my husband, I didn't know how to not love him...

He has been in my life since I was 17 years old, my best friend & the only man I ever trusted completely...

He put me in a game, I didn't sign up to play and I failed, in my opinion...

5 days from now is our 21st wedding anniversary and he will still be with her...

Some of you, know how I feel and I am so sorry, those that do not, I pray you never, ever know how infidelity feels.

Yes, there are good things that have come out of it, things I would never change, however it is also one of the darkest times in my life that I wouldn't wish on my own worst enemy.

Today, the storm has overtaken me, sadness is the coat I wear today, maybe tomorrow sorrow will leave me and joy will come back.

Maybe the storm will continue to rage on...

As long as I continue to look up, He will either carry me through it or subside the storm...

Which ever He chooses, I wish it would happen soon.

CASTING CROWNS
I Was Sure By Now, God,
That You Would Have Reached Down
And Wiped Our Tears Away
Stepped In And Saved The Day
But Once Again, I Say Amen
And It's Still Raining

Intercessory Prayer

"But Jesus Often Withdrew To Lonely Places And Prayed."

Luke 5:16



Do you pray in silence or do you pray out loud?

Do you kneel or sit or stand or walk around as you do other things?

Do you clasp your hands, stretch your palms towards heaven or do you just fold your hands together?

Do you give thanks first or dive right into what you need or desire?

Do you pray in the morning or afternoon or evening?

Once a day?

Several times a day?

Prayer, what does it mean to you?

To me it is very personal, a time to shut off the world and spend time with my Father.

I am still learning how to shut my mind off so I can focus on what I am saying, as well as what I am hearing and I will admit some days it is quite the challenge.

No matter how busy I am, not a day goes by that I don't pray at least once a day, sometimes it is short, sometimes long and sometimes just a sentence - "Have Mercy on me"...

I pray for people who ask and people who don't, I pray for direction as well as motivation and focus, I pray for His light to be beneath my feet, I pray I am on the right path, I pray He lies beside me as I sleep, I pray He helps me with my obvious lack of patience, I pray for the courage to face another day, the strength to handle anything that may come my way, and the wisdom to know I can't do this alone.

Because of how far He has brought me this past year, I pray with more Thanksgiving than ever before.

Prayer should be heartfelt and never forced, a conversation between you and your Maker, a place where peace will be felt, calm will be given and love is always present.

It doesn't have to be filled with a bunch of fancy words, let the words come from your heart, He already knows what is there anyway so no need to make it any harder.

Last night was my 4th week of Bible Study, my 4th week of being asked to pray out loud and it was on the tip of my tongue to say no once again for the 4th time, however I knew that until I could get that first one out, I would continue to be afraid.

So I said "I will try".

I was asked to pray for the sick and shut-in...

The 4th prayer out of 7 or 8 prayers...

Side note - 4th time is the charm, it seems.

My Pastor wasn't there last night, Bible study was lead by my female Minister and I knew she wouldn't let me get away with saying no, not after the look I received (in love and compassion) last week when I turned it down once again.

When it was my turn, I took a deep breath and said the shortest prayer I possibly could...

Not really on purpose however I didn't call out names of people in the hospital or in prison or the homeless etc...

I just asked for a blessing on all of them in general.

As I said "Amen" and looked up, I noticed my Minister had come to stand in front of me, grinning from ear to ear.

After class, she gave me a hug and told me that when she was standing in front of me, she was taping my prayer so she could give it to the Pastor to show him I had finally done it.

I admit I was nervous, worried about what others in the room would think of my prayer...

I shouldn't have been though, all I should have been worried about was Him and because I know He is right there, guiding me in my prayer, I should have no worries.

I want my conversations with Him to be from my heart, because I know what I am going to prayer for or who I am going to pray for or what I am thankful for, those prayers are easy for me.

Intercessory prayer isn't hard for me either, in fact I normally pray more for others than for myself.

Intercessory prayer out loud is different...

It feels forced, I don't feel like I can take my time because I feel like some of the other people are just ready to go home.

However, the more I walk, the more I learn and I have come to learn that He wants all Christians to be intercessors.

Praying on behalf others, without seeing what it benefits you, however to bring Glory to Him, is what intercessory prayer is all about.

It doesn't matter if you do it out loud or silently...

What matters is that you do it.

SANCTUS REAL
Well I Need You
You Need Me
Cuz That's The Way
Its Meant To Be

Change is Inevitable

"To Every Thing There Is A Season, And A Time To Every Purpose Under The Heaven."

Ecclesiastes 3:1

 

There was a chill in the air when I got up this morning, I made my coffee and headed outside.

I sat on the bench and just listened to the silence surrounding me

Late at night and very early in the morning are my favorite times of the day

Everyone is sleeping and it is my chance to spend some time with Him in peace and quiet.

As I sat, drinking my coffee, I had no thoughts...

Just peace and calmness filling my soul.

Autumn does that to me.

Living in Florida, I don't get to experience Autumn in the true sense, however this morning it was perfect.

 

There was a slight breeze, it was roughly 59 degrees, coffee was wonderful and there was a Cardinal singing...

Can't ask for much more.

I sat and thought about some things that are coming up, I will share more later...

I prayed and I gave thanks for each and every thing going on in my life.

 

Good or bad, I was reminded that there is a lesson to be learned in each circumstance we face.

It is up to us to find the lesson.

Up to us to apply what we are learning on a daily basis.

Whether it be finding strength in a tough situation, patience in a trying situation, love in a hate filled situation, or peace in a situation filled with turmoil.

 

I have met so many people on this journey, wonderful people who, during one of the most trying times in their lives, still have an ounce of compassion and kindness left.

They go out of their way to help their fellow man...

That gives me hope for all of us...

Hope for the ones that know Him, to be able to become closer to Him and hope for the ones that don't know Him, that they may be able to find Him.

 

Just as the seasons change, people change, some for the better, some not so much.

Lives change, circumstances change, jobs change, finances change etc...

With change comes challenges, with challenges comes opportunity.

It is up to you to decide how you are going to face what is in front of you.

 

I was never a fan of change within my own life.

I like order, having a bi-polar mind, I needed a life in front of me without chaos since I lived with a mind that went a thousand miles an hour.

Everything has a place, neat and orderly.

I have to laugh here because I am no longer like that, I still like neat, however it is no longer the "end all, be all" of my life.

There are different priorities that have taken precedence over a neat and orderly life.

He is number one and I will drop whatever I have to in order to serve Him and what He is calling me to do that day.

I haven't quite managed to learn how to do it without allowing it to affect me and my emotions in some way, but I am getting there.

In this process, He has gifted me in ways I didn't expect, He has given me compassion and empathy for the new ones that find themselves in this kind of situation.

A gift I will be able to take with me as I embark on the journey into the ministry.

 

Change and growth can be as painful as we make it out to be or it can be a lesson that we take into the next season of our lives.

The change may be accidental or if may be by design, what matters is you take the time to re-evaluate all that you thought was important to you, make sure your priorities are where they need to be & make certain that the choices you are now making will affect your life in a positive way.

Take the time to do a little soul-searching and see what is most important to you.

Take the time to polish off the gifts you have been blessed with, put them back into practice and show the world what kind of person you truly are, not molded by man but formed by Him.

Become a better person for it, not a bitter person because of it.

And always remember, the only thing in your life that will not ever change; Him and His love for you.

TENTH AVENUE NORTH

In Times Of Confusion And Chaos And Pain

I'm There In Your Sorrow, Under The Weight Of Your Shame

I'm There Through Your Heartache

I'm There In The Storm

My Love, I Will Keep You, By My Power Alone

A Foot In Two Worlds

"This Is My Command, Be Strong And Courageous. Do Not Be Afraid Or Discouraged. For The Lord Your God Is With You Wherever You Go.

Joshua 1:9

Do you ever feel like your walk with Him is like a game of tug-o-war?

I do, because I am new to this in the sense that I am actually following through with it, I feel torn more often than naught.

Torn between what is comfortable to me. - Old life

And what is very much out of my comfort zone. - New life

I will be the first to admit it is scary to think of placing all your trust and hopes in something you can't "see" with your eyes.

Since I started, I kept one foot in the old world and one in the new world.

Maybe because I needed to have that fallback in case this didn't work out the way I wanted, however the longer I kept the foot in the old world the more torn I felt...

Like I am two separate people inside struggling to go two different ways.

That all came to a huge crash last night at Bible study.

I felt the restlessness, yet couldn't put my finger on it.

The day was long, about to get longer knowing I would work 9 hours and go straight to the Church for another 2-3 hours.

I debated going, yet knew I had to in order to learn what I am going to be preaching about someday.

My Pastor was the only one there when I arrived, I said hi, head down, eyes focused on the floor and went straight to my seat...

I could feel the uneasiness growing within the pit of my stomach and I willed myself to not have a panic attack in the Church.

Within a few minutes, others started to arrive until the Church hall was filled with about 20 people.

Bible study starts with Prayer or should I say 5-6 prayers...

One for each area of the Church and the Church Universal as a whole.

Each person is appointed by the Pastor to pray for a specific area, knowing of my sheer terror of public praying, he hasn't called on me since that last time and last night he asked me very kindly if I was ready yet, to which I shook my head no, fearing if I opened my mouth, the tears would start.

Side note: I don't normally cry people, it has been drilled in my head that it is a sign of weakness so I try not to do it, however something about my Church brings me to tears upon walking in.

He didn't press, he knew something was wrong, as he always does, but he was kind enough to continue Bible study.

One of the prayers is for marriages/families and the lady who prayed last night was so eloquent in her speaking I could feel the hot tears forming in my eyes.

I bowed my head so my face was even to the ground in the hopes that if the tears fell, they would fall straight out of my eyes onto the floor and not mess up my make-up, that way no one would know I was crying. (Yes, I am a dork like that, thank you very much)

I sat there as the panic set in, knowing I was going to have to make a choice quickly to stay or flee...

I could feel my breathing become more shallow, my heart beating a little bit faster, my hands shaking, the prayer ended and I got out of my seat so fast my own head was spinning...

I walked as fast as I could to the bathroom, trying to breathe, trying not to vomit in front of anyone (TMI - sorry) and collect myself from a full blown panic attack.

The tears were streaming so fast, I couldn't wipe them quick enough.

I stood in the bathroom looking at my face in the mirror, really looking and wondering how I could get out of there since I left my purse and keys at the table, I couldn't though, I couldn't let Satan win again in my life.

So I cleaned my face as best as I could, makeup was a mess, cheeks were red and skin was almost transparently white from the panic attack, held my head high and went back to my seat.

Finished Bible study, trying desperately to avoid eye to eye contact with my Pastor.

Once the study was over, I tried to get out of there without speaking to anyone, however God had other plans for me in the form of my Minister, who walked up to me, looked me in the eye and just opened his arms.

As I walked into the hug he asked me if I was okay...

(He is the only one that knows I have received divorce papers via email however, I haven't told my Pastor yet.)

I tried to say yes, and the next thing you know, the tears were back, girly crying I call it, you know the kind, sobbing, can't catch your breath, body shaking and heaving etc...

It isn't a pretty sight no matter who you are.

I had the nerve to say yes, yes everything is okay as I am sobbing like a child, he smiles at me and says really?

No I said, no, everything is not alright and I try to tell him about this "being torn" I keep feeling and I don't know where it is coming from.

There are people passing by and I can hear my voice and it is a shrill voice which is so not like me, I see my Pastor on the other side of the Church with a look of concern on his face, my female Minister walks over, hugs me, tells me she loves me and leaves me with my male Minister.

I broke down and told him about feeling like two different people and I think I may be losing my mind and I have anger and I am not supposed to be angry and I am just sad to my core and I am not supposed to be sad and I want to rage and raging is a no-no etc...

So I stuff it all and place the new mask on, the mask that doesn't fit me quite right.

I feel like I am in an endless game of tug-o-war I said...

We are the only ones in the hall now, my Pastor is in his office and everyone else has gone home and he starts explaining to me what is going on within me.

The pull of each world is very real he said, one world I know, I am comfortable in that world, I have friends there and things to do there (that may or may not be sinful), that world has been my comfort for all of my life, yes I have removed things from it that world that were sinful, however I controlled that world, what went on in it, who I allowed in it etc...

The other world, His world is different to me, uncomfortable, like a fish out of water. It is new, the people are new, the things are new and I don't know where I fit. The pull from the new world is the Spirit fighting to keep me focused on Him, the pull from the other world is me, my mind, because it is "safe" to me.

You can't live in both worlds, can't have a foot in two different worlds and not be torn apart.

You can't continue to stuff your anger down, hoping it will go away because it will surface.

The hurt, the disappointment, the sheer pain is normal and must be dealt with otherwise I can't move forward, I will be stuck.

You have to pick a side and plant both feet there.

By this time, we are walking out of the Church, the Pastor asked me if I was okay, I said I would be, the Minister asked me to wait outside as he spoke to the Pastor.

I stood outside, looking at the full moon and a single bright star in the sky and got the overwhelming urge to laugh, and laugh I did, hysterically with tears streaming down my face.

My Minister came out and we finished the conversation, my Pastor came out and again asked me if I was really okay, this time I looked him in the eyes and said yes I was. (Him and I will talk at a later date, my Minister wants me to let him know what is going on)

He drove away leaving us in the parking lot, he looked me in the eyes and told me, "God would never allow you to feel this pain, this hurt to have happened if He didn't have something so much better planned for you".

Start with baby steps, each day make a small goal and stick to it, no matter, as long as it propelling your forward.

You just have to plant your feet, and have Faith, complete Faith in what can't be seen.

NATALIE GRANT
This Is What It Means To Be Held
How It Feels When The Sacred Is Torn From Your Life
And You Survive
This Is What It Is To Be Loved
And To Know That The Promise Was
When Everything Fell, We'd Be Held

Twisted Scripture

"A Patient Man Has Great Understanding, But A Quick-Tempered Man Displays Folly."

Proverbs 14:29

It is no secret my lack of patience to anyone who knows me.

I have been trying to practice a deeper understanding of patience, however sometimes the "old me" takes over and gets the best of me.

That happened yesterday in a 3 hour text fest between husband and I.

I know better, I have learned not to get sucked in, sometimes it takes everything I have not to respond (unless it has to do with our boys).

Everything that has happened in the past 19 months, he has controlled, he now wants to control the "terms" of our divorce.

I use the word "terms" loosely because he has apparently taken a leave of his mind if he thinks I would agree to his stipulations.

I won't get into the stipulations here because that isn't what this post is about.

This is about using the Bible and twisting it to justify your choices in life.

"I prayed, I asked for a sign, God didn't give it to me, so He wants me to divorce you."

"Greed is a sin, how can you be a Pastor and ask for anything in the divorce?"

"God wants me happy so he put her back into my life"

"I need to divorce you so I can be more involved in my Church"

"I asked for forgiveness, so I am forgiven"

These are just a handful of excuses I have heard in the past few days, some of them I have heard before, some are new.

Because I believe in my marriage vows, this divorce hasn't been easy for me...

I have fought it each and every step of the way, even though because of his choices, I am free to walk.

I just can't...

99% of me wants to be done with it, to have all ties severed (except in the case of our kids), and truly if I never heard from him again, 50% of me would think I would be okay with that.

And 1% of me, still has hope that the man I met 22 years ago is somehow, some where still locked in the person he has become now.

The man I used to know now stands and throws my Faith in my face, he twists the Bible to fit whatever it is he is doing at that time and is okay with all of it.

After the text mess of yesterday, I made my way to the Church where it was my night to feed the homeless.

First I made my way to the Altar.

As I knelt in the silence, I could feel His pull all around me, I looked to the Cross right in front of me and I could feel the tears burn my eyes, the weight of the entire world felt like it was on my shoulders.

I started to recall the ugliness we had exchanged, the name calling, the evilness of the entire conversation, me, angry at him for using the Bible for justification for what he has done, sad that our 21 year marriage has come to this, doubtful that we will never be able to get past this and parent our boys as they should be.

I prayed, I asked God to forgive me because quite frankly, I give up...

A marriage with two people is hard enough, when it is just one of you fighting while the other is running, it is just about impossible and I know all things are possible with God, I just think that He has something else in store for me.

I can't fight anymore for something that isn't mine.

We were married in a Church, in front of family, friends and most importantly God almost 21 years ago, yet none of that matters to him anymore.

What matters most is himself.

I don't claim to know the whole Bible, I am fairly new at it and I will admit, I don't read it as I should.

However I do know what He says about marriage, adultery and divorce.

That was the first thing I studied when I found myself drawn back to the Church.

There are numerous passages in the Bible that speak about divorce and how much He hates it, even in the case of adultery, He would rather parties be forgiven and reconciliation take place...

They can be found in Malachi, Matthew, Deuteronomy, Ephesians etc...

No where in the Bible does it state that God is going to bring your ex-girlfriend out of your past 28 years later and set off a nuclear bomb in your marriage.

Do not twist the Scripture to fit whatever it is you are doing.

His word is right there in black and white.

If you want to do something in your life that you know is very wrong, don't use God as an excuse for why you are doing it, don't twist the commandments to fit your new lifestyle, own it.

THIRD DAY
So I'm Off To Follow In Your Steps
It Won't Be Easy, It's Safe To Say
There Are Only Two Roads I Can Walk On Down
The Road Less Traveled Is The One You Paved