1/19/15

Changes, Remembrance, and Resolutions

"but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint."
Isaiah 40:31



     
     I went blog hopping tonight and thought to myself "it has been a few weeks since you have blogged." So I came by my own blog only to discover it has been almost a year since I have written. A. YEAR.

*shakes head

     I began this blog 5 years ago to try to get a better handle on my bipolar and the emotions that seemed to be drowning me during my waking hours, shortly after I began, my life began to take some drastic, and (at the time) unwanted, changes... 

*Funny thing about change, if allowed, it can turn your life into something pretty amazing*

     The changes I have experienced have been spoken of here time and time again... However, the last year has brought even more changes, good ones, amazing ones. 

I will summarize... 

*I graduated with my Bachelors of Science in Religion (last month) and was accepted into the Masters of Divinity program (which started one week ago)... 

*December 6, 2014 I was ordained as an itinerant Deacon (but still look for my Pastor when I hear someone call "Rev")...

*My oldest graduated high school and my youngest moved into middle school...

*I have found a job that I actually love!! 

     There are still some things that I would like to change, however, I see how His timing is so much better than my timing, therefore I am patiently (go ahead and laugh you all that know me in real life) waiting on Him. 




   
     With change (at least where I am concerned) comes tears... Anxiety at a new fork in the road, fear about what cannot be seen up ahead, uncertainty at taking the first step forward, and so on and so forth... 

     The morning I was to be ordained had to be (emotionally) one of the worst days in my life, when technically it should have been one of the best days. 

     I had reached the point in my ministry where I was comfortable, where I knew what was expected of me, where I knew what I was doing... Going from "Minister" to "Reverend" felt like I was tossed out of an airplane, into the middle of the ocean, alone, surrounded my hungry sharks, without a life preserver in sight... all the while forgetting that nothing about this walk has been smooth sailing and even more sadly I was excluding to remember the fact that my true Life Preserver walks on water. 

     Just that quickly, the enemy moved into my train of thought and plowed rampantly through my confidence... Tearing apart what little self-esteem I had left, leaving me doubting, anxious, teary-eyed, and fearful... 

     Worried about what others were thinking, instead of relishing in the favor He had bestowed upon me, I sat in the front pew and contemplated what in the world I had gotten myself into. As my name was called to come forth and kneel before the Bishop, I could see the door in my vision and I debated how quickly I could run out of it... I cannot even accurately describe the emotional turmoil that was going on within, but I can say this... As I was kneeling, face about to be buried in the Bible, tears streaming down my face, panic setting in, and hands on the brink of being laid upon my head... 

There He was. 

     I could see the purple color of my Bishops' robe, yet everything else fell from my line of vision, I could not hear a single word that was being said, however... I could sense His presence and I could feel His peace.

     The turmoil which had taken a hold of me earlier that morning was lifted, the thoughts of unworthiness which moments ago had threatened to overtake me were replaced with the Words from the Gospel of John 15:16; "You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you...."




     While I would never claim to fully know what God is doing, I am blessed in that He allows me to see Him working, in my life, as well as in the lives of those around me. Normally around this time I would make my New Years resolutions, however this year I did not make any, nor did I choose a word for the year, instead I want to focus solely on what He is doing. 

     If I had to pick a word for the year, it would be Remembrance. I want to remember how He moves me from one degree of grace to another, how He works in my life when everything else seems to be falling apart, and how He loves me, even on the days when I cannot muster up enough strength to love myself. I want to remember He sent His only Son to die for me, so that one day I may live with Him. 

     If I had to make a resolution, it would be to write more... I miss writing so much. It is one of the ways for me to work out what is going on within my head, whether it is ever read by anyone else. I would also resolve to work on my spiritual life more, and my worldly life less. I would resolve to live each day as He has planned it, knowing full well I may not get another tomorrow. To be at peace with all that is placed before me, to go to sleep at night knowing I treated people the way He wanted me to treat them, and not how they treated me, to be an example for my boys in how to live a Godly life, regardless of what other people may say, and to shine before all people more fruits of the Spirit and less trash of the world.

Blessings to you all.






MATTHEW WEST
Well, Every Single Day Your Grace Reminds Me
That My Best Days Are Not Behind Me
Wherever My Yesterday May Find Me
Well, I Don't Have To Stay There

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