Sprit of Fear

According to the Bible, there are two types of fear; One is good and the other is not. The good one is fearing God, in fact is it encouraged. The bad fear is not beneficial to us at all. This is the "Spirit of Fear". Sometimes we are afraid, sometimes we allow this "spirit of fear" to overcome us. In order for us to overcome this, we have to put our trust and love in God completely. His perfect love will drive the fear out.

I am guilty of the bad fear more then the good fear and I will admit that. I am terrified of a lot of things, mostly I am afraid of failing. Failing my boys, failing myself, failing God, failing my family etc...
As you know I was recently booted out of my brothers' house and as of this past Saturday we are living with my parents. Not an ideal situation however I am trying to make the best with what I have.

As Church finished on Sunday, I waited behind to speak with my Pastor, he knelt with me in prayer and when we were done, he said something that I wasn't expecting in a million years. "We (his wife and him) have a place you can stay at until you can get back on your feet".

I was to stunned to speak, I never even asked where the place was located, how big it was, how much etc...
Nothing came out of my mouth because I am not used to anyone offering something without wanting anything in return. I just stood there in tears. He said don't answer now, take some time to think about it and pray on it.

So I thought about it on Sunday as well as yesterday and that is when the fear set in. You see I have never lived on my own EVER. I have been married since I was 18 years old. I have never even eaten in a restaurant by myself. The burning question came back to haunt me - What if I fail?

The Bible says courage must be grounded in the strength of the Lord.

In order to move onto the next chapter of my life, I need courage.

Courage to stand on my own two feet.
Courage to do what is best for my boys regardless of what anyone else thinks "I should be doing".

Courage to swallow my fear and turn my face upwards for my strength. The strength to make some very difficult decisions for my life, what I feel God wants from me and for my boys.

I try not to take a single step without first turning inwards and "feeling" if that is the correct step I need to be taking. That is the only way I make it through the day.

Believe in yourself - Sprinkled throughout the Bible are different verses telling you to believe in yourself. I have never believed in myself so this is a new journey for me to travel.

I have had people believe in me however I second guess each and everything I do, say, think etc...I need to stop that type of thinking. It is detrimental to my healing. I have to learn to believe in me.

Believe in the choices I have made, believe in other people and the fact that not all of them are out to "get me", believe that the road I am on is the exact place He wants me to be right now.

Prayer is heavily enforced in the Bible. It is a form of communication with God and to be honest, there are days I speak more to Him then anyone else.

Prayer helps us to grow closer and more intimate with God. Think of Him as a friend you are having a conversation with.

I pray sometimes morning, noon and night. I pray in my car, the bathroom, my bed, at work etc...Wherever I am at that time and I need to rid myself of things, I pray.

I still go to the Alter on Sunday and there are still some Sundays when I am leaving more tears then prayers, however my Pastor says there is no better place to leave my tears.

Leave them with God. He knows what they are for and why they are there.

The spiritual war that has raged in me for so long is finally over.

I have found the light I have been searching for.

He is the light in my darkness.

His book says so.

1 John 1:5 " This is the message which we have heard from Him and announce to you, that God is light, and in Him is no darkness at all".

JOSH GROBAN

Believe In What You Feel Inside

And Give Your Dreams The Wings To Fly

You Have Everything You Need

If You Just Believe

Through The Emotions

Being bi-polar is ok on most days and other days it just sucks...Emotions run rampant through my body...Thoughts are all over the place...Just like a raging sea...Crashing into my mind yet not able to "catch" any of the thoughts...When I started this blog, I was a complete mess...Emotionally, mentally etc...I personally am proud of how far I have come from my first post and I was wondering today - Where would I be if all this had happened about a year ago?

Then life happened...Things I had no control over were taken from me...Things I never thought could happen to me - Happened....I didn't falter...My emotions were as calm as still waters...I made choices and never wavered...No matter what anyone said to me, I stood by my choices...Life continued to happen and I just adjusted my sails to continue on the course I chose...

Now I have days that are peaceful as well as stormy however I also have something I didn't know I had before...A promise - Just like Noah received - that He will not leave me - No matter what - He is right beside me...He knows how I feel inside, He knows the torment I feel on some days, He knows the joy that is finding its way back into my life, He knows when I lie down to sleep at night how many tears fall on my pillow, He knows my hearts greatest desire, He will never forsake me no matter what...Ponder that last line - He will NEVER forsake you nor me - NO MATTER WHAT...Regardless of what you may be going through right now in your life, He is right beside you...Waiting for you to turn to Him and let Him take care of it.

STAIND

Believe In Me

This Life's Not Always What It Seems To Be

Believe In Me

Cause I Was Made For Chasing Dreams

Doors

I have always been told when one door closes, another will open...


I have had numerous doors close around me recently...


Doors I can painfully hear slamming around me...


We all have heartache in our lives some more so then others, however that doesn't make yours less or more then mine...


It is how we choose to deal within that heartache, a lesson I have just recently learned...


The first few months of this mess were spent basically in my own "fog"...


I didn't eat, sleep or live the way I should have...


I lost a lot of weight rather quickly and am just now getting my appetite back...


I am finally able to sleep through the night again...


I took back my old job and have been actually doing work instead of playing online most of the day...

The door for the fog to leave is now open...

I look forward to each day with a prayer thanking Him for allowing me to have one more day of life...


I end each night thanking Him for all the good as well as the bad in my life...


Yes I said the bad...


In order for me to be where I am right now, all of this had to happen...


I have had to do some intense soul-searching...


I needed to find the person I am as well as what I wanted...


Do you know what I found out?


When most people would take the easy way out, I made a very difficult choice to stand by and put my faith in His hands...


In one of the most darkest moments of my life, I chose to rise out of the ashes of an old, dead marriage in the hopes of a new, stronger, better one then ever before...


I have severed ties with people who are downers...


I need to surround myself with people who have a positive mental attitude...


It is very hard to "be" someone for so long and then to do a complete 180 to become a different person...


I shouldn't say different but the changes I have made are for me and my self worth...


So I am a different person then I was a few months ago...


For the most part, I like the "new me"...


I feel like I am a better mother, friend, person etc...


I have more patience then I have ever had in my life...


I take nothing for granted...


I slow down more then I ever have before...


I forgive and move on, no longer holding onto any grudges...


There are 2 certain things I wish I could have back, however I know and accept I will never have them back...


Blind trust and blind faith in people...


I have to be cautious when meeting new people and I have found I am more cautious even with people I have known for a long time...


Not to say this is a bad thing, it is just something new to me...


So yes while there have been doors closing all around me, there have been others thrown wide open and I am embracing walking through these new doors...


My BF Gracie sent me a comment on my previous post and I will leave you with the words she sent to me...


Perfect words I have written in my book that I always carry with me now...


JOB 23:8-10
But if I go the East, He is not there;
If I got to the West, I do not find Him;
When He is at work in the North, I do not see Him;
When He turns to the South, I catch no glimpse of Him.
But He knows the way that I take;
When He tested me, I will come forth as gold.

Moving...Again

I am moving yet once again and I am getting sick and tired of my kids & I being thrown away like garbage...

My brother has given us until the end of the week to get out of his house because he wants "normalcy" ...

WTF? Me personally would never in a million years put my own selfishness above my family...

I would never kick anyone when they are down but that is just me...

I know we are all different people however it amazes me that the 3 of us were all raised in the same household, by the same parents and we are so totally different in almost every aspect...

After we had it out last night, I cried myself to sleep wondering what in all that is Holy did I do to deserve all of this...

I am told we are never given more then we can handle...

I believe that however I have had about enough and I don't want to handle anymore...

I want my family and life back but for some reason, it just isn't happening...

Some days I wonder if I am being punished for my past however I know that God doesn't work that way...

It saddens me that I treat people the way I want to be treated yet I can't catch a break where my family is concerned...

SEETHER
So Break Me Down If It Makes You Feel Right
And Hate Me Now If It Keeps You All Right
You Can't Break Me Down If It Takes All Your Might
'Cause I'm So Much More Then Meets The Eye

14 Days From Today

September 13, 2009 is opening day for the NFL...

You may not know this about me however I am a HUGE football fan - Most specifically I am a Dallas Cowboys fan and I am not ashamed to admit it...

Can't stand the owner - I think his head is to big and he seems to do more damage then anything...

Can't stand our quarterback - He chokes in crunch time and I don't see him ever getting past this...

Can't stand that we got rid of T.O. - I think I am one of the few fans that actually liked him...

Can't stand the "Billion Dollar Stadium" - Think of all the people who could have been helped with that kind of money...

Yes there are things about my team that I can't stand however the good always outweighs the bad...

There is nothing like watching your team come onto the field before a game starts...

The excitement of a football game is contagious...

In your living room or in a sports bar or at a friends house or in person...

The boos, the yelling, the groans, the cheers and yes sometimes even tears...

To much eating, to much drinking and sometimes to much fighting...

There are no words...

You are either a NFL football fan or you are not...

There is no in-between...

Now if you are a true football fan and you are a female - Let me give you a bit of advice...

I don't give 2 hoots about which team you root for however - Do Not - Let me repeat that - DO NOT ever wear a team jersey in any other color then your team color...

Cowboy fan? Then you wear blue & silver...

Bronco fan? Then you wear blue & orange...

Packers fan? Then you wear green & yellow...

Raiders fan? Then you wear black & silver...

Get my drift? All the teams have their own colors - You wear the teams colors...

Do not show up anywhere near me wearing a team jersey that is PINK...