3/26/10

Better To Be An Open Sinner....

Then A False Saint.

"Do Not Take Revenge, My Friends, But Leave Room For God's Wrath, For It Is Written: It Is Mine To Avenge; I Will Repay Says The Lord. On The Contrary: If Your Enemy Is Hungry, Feed Him; If He Is Thirsty, Give Him Something To Drink. In Doing This, You Will Heap Coals On His Head. Do Not Be Overcome By Evil, But Overcome Evil With Good."

Romans 12:19-21

The "Child of Darkness" that lives within me is angry...

Has been for the past few days - Well past year really...

However for the past few days I have been feeling overwhelmed...

Nothing is moving as quickly as I want it to...

I am the type of person that once my decision is (basically) set in stone, I want to be done with it...

Some would call this impatience, I would have to agree...

I have spent the past year on a forum...

A forum that has seen me at my lowest and has rallied around to pick me right back up...

I have met people on there I would walk through fire for...

Others come and go like ships passing in the night...

Numerous stay to help the new ones that come along...

I have been watching the new ones and give input where I feel it is necessary...

For the past few days I feel like I have been living a lie...

I can say all the "right" things however truth be told, I don't believe them.

Yes you are at the forum, seeking for answers, searching for help and that is commendable.

In all reality what I want to tell you is to grow a back bone.

I want to take them all, line them up and let them have it....

I want to tell them "You are so much better then all this".

But I can't.

You see they are on the same journey as I am...

Different names, different acts, different timelines - All connected by selfishness.

I want to ask them where their self-respect is, then I remember how low mine was.

I want to ask them where their self-esteem is, then I remember how shattered mine was.

I want to ask them why they want to save their marriage, then I remember the stance I took.

I want them to know time really does heal however most of them can't see past the minute at hand.

I want them to know that no matter the circumstances, they have so many other choices.

Right now they are worried about saving their marriage, finances, families, houses etc...

The heartbreak, so evident in all their posts...

The anger, despair, pain, and the unworthiness...

They sit there and get to the point where they think this is ok and this is what has been dealt to them and there is no other way...

I want to say to them - Go...

There are so many other people in this world worthy of you.

I want to say to them - You only have one life - Do you really want to live it like this for the rest of your life?

Looking over the shoulder of the one who betrayed you, multiply affair partners, snooping to see if your suspicions are correct once again, lack of trust, avoiding the "elephant" in the room, walking on eggshells, mind movies that never seem to end etc...
I want to put them in front of a mirror and make them take a good long look at the reflection staring back at them.

I want them to see what I see...

A beautiful person in tremendous pain...

A beautiful person who has so much to offer...

A beautiful person who has the strength to overcome this.

I want to say stop wasting it on someone who doesn't deserve an ounce of your kindness.

However I can't - This is their journey...

As a Christian, I will reach out and offer any help I can on their journey, in the hopes that the pain will lesson quickly...

The Saint in me wants to fix it as soon as possible.

The Sinner in me wants to see bloodshed.

PHIL WICKHAM
To The One Who's Dreams Are Falling Apart
And All You're Left With Is A Tired And Broken Heart
I Can Tell By Your Eyes You Think You're On Your Own
But You're Not Alone

1 comment:

  1. You're right... it is their journey. It's hard sometimes to stay back... let them experience it in the way they think they should. I remember when this whole thing first started for you, I was wanting to know why you were staying with him after all he has done to you... but then as I listened to you, I had to step back and let you do it your way. It's the only way that will work best for you. I even understood your reasoning. And now a year later, you're taking the healthy road. You've come a lonnnnng way, baby!

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