Behind The Veil

"Two Are Better Than One; Because They Have A Good Reward For Their Labour. For If They Fall, The One Will Lift Up His Fellow: But Woe To Him That Is Alone When He Falleth; For He Hath Not Another To Help Him Up."
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 

People come in and out of our lives, each and every single day, some staying for a short while, some stay a longer length of time, each bring along the gift of friendship.

During my walk, one of the many lessons I have learned is to allow the ones who want to walk away, just walk, taking no offense to the loss.

I am secure in the knowledge that I am a good friend, loyal to a fault and could most likely write a book about secrets that have never been uttered, once shared, over the years.

Out of the friendships gained and lost, there are very few people who are allowed behind the veil of my heart...

That closely guarded, very private place, very rarely visited.

A place where you don't have to put on a mask, where you can be yourself one hundred percent of the time without fear of judgement, where you are safe.

I used to allow anyone to come in, always trusting, never questioning, seeing the good in each person, no matter how I was treated...

Naive?

Perhaps, however I would rather seek the good, no matter how hard it is to find, then to just always assume the worst or only look for the bad.

The past 2 years changed that.

Trust once broken, no matter who did it, is always hard to earn back; Love is harder to give, once tossed aside you become unsure, broken and scared to feel the depth of that hurt again.

As time passes on, the grip you keep on your heart lessens.

G was the first one who landed behind the veil and he earned that spot, trust me when I say, I put him through hell before I allowed a place to be open and with every breath I now take, I know I can trust him.

He didn't throw his hands in the air and discard me nor my feelings, on the contrary, he dug his heels in even deeper then mine and wouldn't budge, still won't and  I am very grateful for him.

He makes me laugh, he makes me cry, he makes me think (too much in his opinion) and he helps me to keep areas I want to keep and discard other areas.

A big brother I never had, though wouldn't trade for all the diamonds in the world.

There is a new person behind the veil now, one who kind of snuck in.

Brought together by Him, on the paths of one another to learn how to open up a little more, to trust a little more, to live a little more.

The people I keep close to my heart are ones who can help bring me closer to Him - Ones I count on the help strengthen my Faith - Because I know the enemy is close by, ready to pounce at any given second, I don't have time to play games, I need to know that these I hold dear, are walking the same walk as I am.

Just like G, Matt allows me to just be me. Secure in his walk with Him, he has brought a new dimension to my walk; Teaching me how to rise above the storm, to call on Him no matter how I feel emotionally and the greatest lesson of all, God doesn't want a perfectly happy me, He wants all of me, broken and confused, bruised and hurt, happy and healthy, sad or angry...

Every aspect of me, all day, every day.

I see the hand of God in the sunrise and in the sunset, on the snow dusted mountaintops and the stars that twinkle in the night sky, I see Him with the falling leaves of Autumn and with the new buds of Spring, each morning I wake, blessed with His new mercy, I see His hand, but to witness it so intimately, with the people He has placed on my path, is enough to bring me to my knees and place tears in my eyes.

He loves me so much, He never allows me to be alone, so much so, that He plucked people out of their comfort zone and planted them securely on my path.

If you are as blessed as I am, never take that for granted.

Love, honor and cherish those He placed behind the veil of your heart...

He truly does know what He is doing, even if we can't understand it.

Come meet my friend Matt, you won't be disappointed, just click on his name and let his words envelope you...

You will be blessed, just like I am.

MERCYME
The Lord Bless And Keep You
May His Face Shine Upon You
And Be Gracious And
Give You Peace

Bandaged By A Divine Hand

"The Sacrifices Of God Are A Broken Spirit: A Broken And A Contrite Heart, O God, Thou Wilt Not Despise."

Psalm 51:17

I remember when I was about 6 or 7 years old, I was riding my bike in the road, with my head down, peddling as fast as I possibly could, right into a parked car.

I wasn't hurt too badly, except I remember my knee was tore up, bloodied and bruised, I rushed home seeking one of my parents to fix it up for me...

One of them (I can't remember who) cleaned up my wounds, put a bandage on me and set me on my way, with the orders to ride my bike with my eyes forward and not down...

Later on, my wounds would be re-dressed with the words to not mess with the bandages because that would prolong the healing.

I was a kid, and I will admit I didn't listen, I would remove that bandage to see the wound, which at the time covered almost my whole knee...

Each time I pulled that bandage off, the healing would be delayed, the bleeding would start once again and I most likely would have been talked to, about messing with it time and time again.

Leave it alone and allow it to heal I would hear...

Stop messing with it or you are going to have a scar...

Some things never change and yes, I do have a scar, about an inch long, right on top of my kneecap.

The pain that comes with adultery is unlike anything I have ever experienced...

A complete shattering from within, leaving an invisible wound that scars your very soul.

You can't slap a bandage on a wound that deep, though I know people who have tried...

They drink, jump from bed to bed, abuse drugs, hide themselves off from the world etc...

Anything to stop from feeling that wound, a pain so deep, it literally takes your breath away.

I have learned that the trauma from betrayal, has similar symptoms to post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and the element of amnesia and dissociation are likely to be greater, the betrayal goes deep enough to produce a broken heart, with that it will also open the doors of absolute distrust.

Proverbs 4:23 ~ Above All Else, Guard Your Heart, For Everything You Do Flows From It.

Our heart, guides and directs all that we do, the words we speak are formed in our heart, before they leave our mouths, who we are in Him, is being formed in our hearts.

A broken heart can hinder your relationship with Him, I can say this because I allow it to hinder my walk as well, as much as I hate to admit that.

Instead of giving Him each broken piece, I thought I could handle it on my own...

Thinking to myself, since I am so smart and worldly, I will give Him some, and I will keep the rest and we will see which one of us can fix me quicker, as if this was some kind of contest that I even had a chance of winning.

Ha ~ I should be smacked sometimes when I am left to think on my own. :)

My bandage?

I didn't really had one other than avoidence, stuffing down the most hurtful words, the most painful memories, the flashbacks, the mind movies...

If I didn't allow myself to feel or deal with that, I was fine...

However, I was far from fine and the past few days have been a very humbling lesson for me.

He allowed me to get so far, to think I actually had a chance to heal on my own, until He kindly knocked me upside my head...

I don't say that in a bad way, I truly believe He will allow us to get to a certain point and He can see it isn't working quite the way it should, so something will come into your path, to make you stop and actually realize, you aren't doing it the way He has designed.

Just like a parent.

I sat in court last week, face to face with the man I married 21 years ago, the man who almost single handedly destroyed me.

We sat at a round table, across from one another, looking everywhere but at each other, not a word spoken between the two of us, him puffed up in anger so apparent, I could feel it coming off of him...

As I sat there, stealing glances at him, wondering who he was, what was he thinking, if he was really happy, if this was really happening and yes a part of me wondered if I could just strangle him and get away with it right there in the court room, I was reminded of something I heard not so long ago...

"An old Indian man was talking to his young grandson. "There are two wolves inside every man, a good one and an evil one. They are fighting all the time, tearing each other to pieces, until only one remains," the old man said. "And so which one wins?" the little boy asked. "The one you feed" was the answer.

I didn't understand it when I first heard it, now I do...

He chooses to feed the evil, I choose to feed the good...

His choices are an extremely poor reflection of the man I used to know, a life filled with twisted religion, sin reigning supreme, seeking whatever he can, to fill whatever happiness he is looking for.

My choices are the exact opposite of his, I haven't dated nor do I really have an inclination to do so at this time, I try to live as the Book says I should and there are days I stumble, badly, however I do know right from wrong and I will not allow the enemy to win my soul, no matter how many times I fall.

I pray for him, for His will in his life and there are days I actually utter her name in prayer...

It isn't often though and I know it should be, however I have a very hard time distinguishing between her the "good Church going, Christian woman" he says she is and her the "homewrecking troll" I know her as...

In my mind, those two statements shouldn't be uttered about one person...

You are either good or you are not, there is no in-between...

You can be bad and become good or vice versa, however there isn't a shade of gray where adultery is concerned.

In my opinion it is a black and white issue, choices were made, hearts were shattered and the pieces scattered to almost every end of the Earth.

Adultery has got to be one of the most painful things to live through, however you can live through it, you can move past it and not allow it to define you.

Does it define me as a person?

No, it allows me a deeper understanding for the pain a person can actually handle, without breaking under the extreme pressure of it.

It allowed me a chance to find myself, a chance to see what human beings are truly capable of and a chance to run back to Him.

Once I gave Him all the pieces, He then was able to bandage my broken heart, His way, not with bandaids, not with a needle and thread, not with staples...

With His Divine Hand, He holds my heart, each and every single piece, and with His love showering down on me, each day the hole becomes just a little bit smaller, the pain just a little less severe then it was yesterday.

I am slowly learning, it takes a Divine Heart to heal a broken heart.

MARK SCHULTZ
Yes, I Have Been There
I Know What Pain Is All About
I Have Been There
And I Am Standing With You Now
I Have Been There
And I Came To Build A Bridge Oh
So This Road Could Lead You Home
Oh I Have Been There

Calling On You

"Dearly Beloved, Avenge Not Yourselves, But Rather Give Place Unto Wrath: For It Is Written, Vengeance Is Mine; I Will Repay, Saith The Lord."

Romans 12:19

Tomorrow morning is my first court date. I have known about it for quite some time, but didn't want to dwell and worry myself sick like I normally do.

However the day is almost at hand, so I am here, calling on you, for a quick prayer request.

As I stamp down the fear that is threatening to grip me, His will is all I am asking for.

I will keep you updated and thank you my friends.

Beautiful Heart

"Fear Not [There Is Nothing To Fear], For I Am With You; Do Not Look Around You In Terror And Be Dismayed, For I Am Your God. I Will Strengthen And Harden You To Difficulties, Yes, I Will Help You; Yes, I Will Hold You Up And Retain You With My [Victorious] Right Hand Of Rightness And Justice."
Isaiah 41:10 (Amplified Bible)

We all have hurt in our lives...

The "how" doesn't matter, just know that it happens.

Some hurts are small; a confrontation with your boss, a cross word with your spouse, a bad day in general etc...

Some hurts are huge; death, a marriage breaking up, a foreclosure on the family home, bankruptcy etc...

Pain is pain.

In the last few weeks I have been studying hurt and how it can be used to benefit our lives.

When your heart has been broken, when all you have ever believed in is taken away from you, when you wake up one day and you have belief in nothing and quite frankly don't know which way to turn, that is when you decide to sink even deeper or you will choose to rise from the ashes.

Now, you can't allow your heart to harden towards others, you can't say you won't trust again or you won't love again or you won't allow anyone to come into your life again etc...

I have said it and I was adamant when I stated it - I would never, ever allow anyone to hurt me the way my husband did, and right then and there, the walls went up, (I am certain others in the same situation have said it and done it as well).

The easiest way to never be hurt again, is to close your heart off to other people, erect a shield around your heart, keeping people at arms length, walking through life with an invisible wall, surrounding yourself off from getting to close or allowing others to get to close.

That was the path I wanted to choose, that was the best way to keep my heart from ever feeling pain again.

However, I wasn't made that way, and even with a mask, I couldn't be that cold and heartless to people, I would have to much guilt within.

It didn't happen overnight.

I kept that pain and that hurt in a tight fist and wasn't going to release it, no matter what...

Yet, He continued to place people in my life, some were here for a little while, some are still here, some are new, some are old, some haven't even been met...

Each one of them came in with a tiny chisel, making tiny cracks along the wall I erected.

Is the wall completely down?

No, but it isn't as high as it was 2 years ago.

I admit, I tried to be something I wasn't.

To only give a very small part of myself to others...

That isn't how He made me, I was made to give all my heart to each person in my life, what you do with it, is your business, because I will no longer allow the fear of being hurt, to rule in my life.

When you fear something, there is a level of unbelief, where there is unbelief, there is a lack of Faith, where there is a lack of Faith, there is now an opening for the Enemy to come in.

Once you allow that small window to open, he is going to come in with a vengeance.

Your mind, is the battle ground where spiritual warfare begins.

So why do you think we get hurt?

Why does it seem like some of have to face certain trials, whereas others seem to breeze through life?

Why are some lives filled with seemingly endless amounts of pain?

Where is God when all this is going on and most importantly why is He allowing it to happen?

To harden your beautiful heart.

I know some of you may be wondering where I am going with this, maybe wondering if I have finally gone off the deep end?

No such luck. :)

Some of us are to soft, so He puts a shield around us, He allows us to go through things to harden us.

He needs to harden us to the difficulties of life, to be able to place the shield of Faith around us, so that when we are down the road and something else comes along to rock our world, the sting of the dart doesn't hurt as bad as it did before.

Think back to before you knew Him, or right at the beginning of your walk with Him...

You were like clay that hadn't been through the fire yet, soft, easily torn.

I can look back on my life and see, have mercy, where I was so soft.

I allowed others to dictate my steps, I wore my emotions on my sleeve, easily hurt by a look or a word, scared to breathe without someone telling me to, with each fire I faced, my heart became a little harder, a little stronger.

No longer weak, no longer on my face crying each and everyday, no time to give up anymore.

As you keep on walking through the furnace, keep looking forward, just keep on doing what you know you need to do, and one day you will wake up and realize, you aren't as soft as you used to be...

You realize that God has hardened you to the difficulties of life, in a good way.

You can't hurt me like you used to.

I am able to do what I need to do, because He has strengthened me, He has hardened me and He has removed my fear.

5 years ago, I wouldn't walk out the door on my own, I wouldn't shower if I was alone in the house, I twisted myself into knots trying to please everyone in my life and fear ruled me...

2 years ago, my world as I knew it was torn out from under me, and with that tear, came more fear than I have ever known in my life, more people pleasing than any one person should ever have to deal with...

Because I was so afraid to lose anyone else in my life, I clung to them like they were a lifeline, which in turn caused me to lose some others, which brought about even more fear, more sadness, trying to please the ones left even more etc...

Like a vicious cycle set on repeat...

Until one day, I realized I'd had enough.

I realized I am a good person, and if you don't like what you see within me, that is your problem and I will no longer own that.

I knew then and there, that I would never be able to please everyone and I had to get off that ride, because all it did was cause even more hurt.

I am not a bad person, I may have some traits that others don't like and now I can say that is okay with me, because I have never claimed to be perfect, however in order to get to that conclusion, I had to walk through the fire before the lesson was learned.

I didn't face each fire with any form of dignity, I am almost ashamed to admit...

I laid blame, I cursed, I cried, I pleaded, I raged, I hated, I gave up etc...

Yet each one brought with it a valuable lesson, and in turn I became a little more stronger than the previous fire.

I learned who I can trust, I learned how valuable a true friendship is, I learned to love and honor myself, I learned how much He loves me.

I have been amazed at watching Him work in my life through other people, from all walks of life and I love each and every one of them.

I love what they bring in my life and I love what I can bring to theirs.

The only walls I have up, are the ones He erected, ones to protect His child from any unnecessary pain, I have His shield surrounding my heart, which is exactly how I want it to be.

His strength, is why I am still standing here today, His trust in me, is why I am able to trust once again, my worthiness in His eyes, is why I am open to the people He places in my life, His love, is why I am able to breathe each morning.

Because He strengthened me and hardened me to the difficulties of life, I am able to look at each new day as a perfect gift from Above, treasuring what each day holds, not taking any of them for granted anymore, and loving each moment as if it is my last.

Once I was able to let go of "self" and allow Him to take over, then I was able to see past my own pain and started to look at what He was doing for me.

In my darkest hours, His hand is what was holding mine, in the depths of my pain, His arms were surrounding me, in the nights I laid on the floor and cried until I just couldn't cry anymore, He was wiping my tears....

He loved me, no matter what was going on, no matter what I have done in the past or what I will do in the future, He shaped my heart, He molded what you see now and I am so thankful for each and every fire He allowed me to walk through.

With life, you will have pain, you will be hurt and you will have difficulties, however if you allow Him to control each aspect of it, no matter the pain, no matter the circumstances, no matter the trial and no matter the tribulation, you will emerge victorious and one day you will be able to look within and realize what a beautiful heart He has blessed you with.

MERCYME
He's Come To Save The Day
What I've Learned In My Life
One Thing Greater Than My Strife
Is His Grasp

The Power Of Approval

"Am I Now Trying To Win The Approval Of Human Beings, Or Of God? Or Am I Trying To Please People? If I Were Still Trying To Please People, I Would Not Be A Servant Of Christ."

Galatians 1:10

"Do these pants make my butt look fat?"

"Do you like the way I rearranged the living room?"

"How is your dinner?"

"Do you like my new haircut?"

And the questions go on and on and on.

Have you ever uttered one of these or something similar?

That makes two of us.

It is called seeking approval and if you are seeking approval from anyone other than Him, it can lead to sin.

By seeking approval or acceptance from others, it steers you off the path of seeking His approval, onto a path of people pleasing.

For as long as I can remember, I seek approval and acceptance for just about everything I do, and if you asked me why, I couldn't even give you a reason, I just do.

This is a source of contention within myself, as well as with others around me and I am certain there is a healthy balance between coming across with a "don't care" attitude and a "do what ever anyone wants, so as to keep the peace" attitude.

Why do we walk around with a need of validation from each person we come in contact with during the day?

Why do we allow ourselves to be vulnerable to the whims of others?

Why can't we just accept ourselves for what we are?

For what He made?

I want people to like me, I admit that and not just a select amount of people, all people.

Weird, since I am not a huge people person to begin with.

If I find out someone doesn't, it isn't a pretty process that goes on within me.

Usually I will start with some form of downgrading that I heap upon myself, such as I should have said something differently or worn something different or laughed at something I didn't laugh at, or I admonish myself for laughing when I shouldn't etc...

Next up, self-doubt comes creeping along, and with self-doubt comes the tearing down of my self-esteem, then come the seemingly endless questions and by the end of the cycle, I am beat.

All because someone may or may not like me.

Because I don't believe in myself, I seek out others to reinforce me, to believe in me.

The downside to this is that until I can believe in myself, none of what others will say is going to matter, because the one person who should believe it (me) doesn't.

In the past few weeks, I have learned a valuable lesson...

The most important thing about seeking the approval of others, is that the approval is already hidden within you, you just don't want to believe it, so you are looking for someone else to tell you, what you already know.

Whether it is you did a good job at work, you lost some weight, you cooked a great dinner, you are beautiful or you are handsome, or you cleaned the bathroom really well this week etc...

Ask yourself, "Does He approve?" and "Do you approve?" (of whatever it is you are seeking the approval for) and then stop right there...

That is it.

His and yours.

Now, someone may come along and say something that contradicts with what you think and the next thing that should pop in your head is this ~

Who cares?

There is your first step to gaining confidence within yourself.

I remember when I started this blog, about 3 years ago and all I cared about were how many people would respond in the comment section, talk about a self-inflated ego...

I didn't care what the comments were, just that I had some, and once I started getting them and realized how mean some people can be, I never wanted another comment on my blog again.

Some of the emails/comments I would get weren't so kind and I took it personally, as an attack on the whole of me and not just a very small aspect of me.

I had to go back to the beginning of my blog recently, to help a friend with some upheaval that has been going on in her life and I knew that some things I had previously written would be beneficial to her and as I was searching some of my older posts, I had to shudder at times.

I won't say my writing was awful, however it was very self-involved, which in turn showed me how self-involved I truly was a few years ago, I started this blog to figure out where He fit in my life and in the beginning I barely spoke about Him.

The quickest way to build your confidence, is to stop seeking the approval of others.

This has been a conversation point with my sister and G quite a few times in the last week, because they both want me to seek the approval of Him and myself and no one else.

Two days ago, as I was heading home from work, I noticed a new sign up at a Church near my house and on the sign in black and white was the following ~

"The Greatest Failure In Life Is Trying To Please Others."

See how He works?

He could see my struggle with this, allowed me to flail around for a bit and only then did He answer.

The power of His approval is the only approval you should be seeking.

You can run around and continue to ask each person until you get the answer you want, which could lead to you becoming angry, frustrated and sad, or you can stop and just go to the One who already knows you.

You know right from wrong and as a Christian, there is a living Voice within you, one that pricks your heart when you are about to do something questionable...

That same Voice is also there to tell you that you did a good job today, that you are indeed beautiful, that you are indeed handsome, that you made a great meal, that you are talented, that you are gifted, that you are worthy, that you are so very loved.

That is the only approval you will ever need.

Sidenote ~

I know the pictures don't "go" with my post...

If you don't know what type of trees they are, these are Joshua Trees...

A tree that represents, triumph in the face of hardship.

Beautiful.

KRISTIAN STANFILL
Day After Day, Our God Is Reigning
He's Never Shaken, My Hope Is In The Lord
Time After Time Our God Is Faithful
Trustworthy Savior, My Hope Is In The Lord