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CRAZEE TIMES.....

Ok BF....You have less then 8 hours (maybe - depending on your time zone) to go visit Juls and get Crazee with her...Come on...Go...Leave my blog and hop over to hers...Go Go Go!!! You will maybe (if you are lucky) get a prize! Who doesn't loves prizes??? Go get Crazee in her Crazee giveaway!!!!

DAMN...And a Miracle

Yes I cursed...I curse a lot in my real life and under my breath and in my head...I don't curse at people however the words just fly out sometimes however that is not what this post is about....

I wasn't even prepared for this post...

Normally I know in advance what I am posting because I have quite a few topics I want to cover eventually....

Anyway...Because we spent 20 years in the military moving around every 3-4 years, we never bought a house because we never knew where we would be...

We thought about it once we retired however the time never seemed right and in hindsight I am glad I didn't the way the housing market tanked recently.

So we rent now that we live off base...

We have been renting our current house for 2 years - going on 3 years...

Well my landlord raises the rent every year so come May we will be up to $1220.00 a month...

I will say normally this wouldn't have been a problem however in my business, I am paid on commission only and business has been cut almost in half from last year....

So I have been looking for a new place that is cheaper as well as a little bigger (We are in 1400 sq. ft)...I found such place on www.craiglist.com It is basically a bunch of ads for just about anything you can think of...It is the same place I found my current house...So the new one is 1900 sq ft...4 bedrooms/2 baths/recently remodeled/pool etc...For $650.00 a month - That is almost 1/2 of what we pay now so of course I jump all over that!

I was supposed to go see the house today and I just received an email from the (out of town) owners that it has now been leased...Ummm WHAT????

I spoke to the woman showing the house yesterday - She had no key and no way to let anyone see it and no less then 15 hours, it is gone?

Is this a sign that it isn't ment to be?

There would have been obstacles to moving to that house (ie: different school districts for both boys and the logistics of getting them both to the schools they are at now, the lease would be for 1 year only since she would be back next year etc...) so I sent up a prayer asking Him to please send me a sign as to what to do?

I guess I got my answer so now I am back to square one...

This has been the most blatant answer I have received in a long time and I thought I would share with you all.

Normally I would have just moved on - Cursing along the way :o)

However this morning I read a post from my BF Ace and she reminded me that this may be a miracle to me though not in the way I thought it would be...

Not all miracles are as perfect as you want them to be....

They very rarely come in the form of a bazillion dollar check from the lottery office...

They don't involve you going to sleep and waking up with a perfectly shaped ass and a six pack for a stomach...

They don't come down from heaven on the wings of an angel and handed to you on a silver platter...

They aren't doled out perfectly to each person who asks for one...

However they are there....

I remind myself each and every day that someone out there is worse off then I am...

And I remind myself that it is a miracle that I am still alive...

Yes I am struggling inside however I have food on my plate, clothes on my back, a (expensive haha) roof over my head etc....

There are people who don't have any of that and I pray for them every night...

I think the miracle here is not that I lost the house that I thought would be perfect but the peace I found accepting it albeit with a few choice words...

The miracle is there...

If you chose to see it...

Even if it isn't exactly what you are looking for....Thank you Ace for reminding me of that!


CREED
At Times Life’s Unfair And
You Know It’s Plain To See
Hey God I Know
I’m Just A Dot In This World
Have You Forgot About Me?
Whatever Life Brings
I’ve Been Through Everything
And Now I’m On My Knees Again

Forgiveness/Friends

I received so many wonderful comments and emails from you all and I wish I could hug each and every one of you...

Thank you so much for letting me know I am not alone in anything I post here...

I told a fellow blogger this morning that it amazes me that I can reach out online and find so many who know exactly how I feel when in real life it just doesn't work that way....

I have a few more thoughts I wanted to put down...

First to a fellow bf...I won't reveal her name since she sent me an email however she put her heart into that email and let me know she knows exactly how I feel since this has happened to her....I know this is private since she didn't make any comments on it so to my bf (you know who you are)...Thank you...Thank you for showing me your heart and letting me know I am not alone...

Another bf Nikki asked me a really good question...

Do I trust him and not her (the ex)...Never thought of it that way and the answer is a resounding NO I don't trust her...Him I do of course but her...Never in a million years...Sad and funny thing - I have never laid eyes on the woman besides pictures...She doesn't live anywhere near us otherwise I would have long ago gone to her house and most likely beat her down and I know that isn't the answer but damn that would feel good right about now haha...

All of you sent me excellent suggestions on how to forgive and one of the ones I am enforcing today is letting him know (again) how I feel...

I went to lunch and bought a card and just sat here and wrote it all out...I am much better writing since my mind is always on overdrive and I forget things until later on...Writing allows me to slow down and say what I want right then and there.

I did apologize for being a bit psycho this past weekend but I won't apologize for anything else...I can't help how I feel however I can help how I project those feelings. (Holy hell - that line actually came from me! I can feel healing coming on lol)

I know some of you were shocked that I had kids - I know this because I received emails on it :) While my boys come first in my life, this isn't about them...

This is to help me become a better person for them...

I feel there are plenty of "mommy blogs" out there and I didn't need to make another one....

I may make a comment here and there about them...(Most especially my oldest at times because he is driving me crazy since he hit his teen years!) However my blog won't become about them...

This is about my healing...

Leaving my demons behind (finally) and moving forward...

You all allow me to be me...

I can say what I want without censoring and I have had no harsh judgements commented to me or my email box...

I can be pissed or down and one of you (if not all of you) will say something to snap me out of it...

I can bear my soul and you all still come back...

You let me be myself and I thank you for that...

Until tomorrow...

I hope you all have a wonderful night...

Be safe...(((HUGS)))


SHINEDOWN
Excuse The Wall, I Put It Up From Time To Time
A Silver Shade, And The Design Is All Mine
It's Just A Maze That Everyday I Seem To Be Stuck In
It Never Seems To Fade Away But I Pray For The Day It Ends

Forgiveness

I know I should have finished this portion by now but I get sidetracked very easily :o)

A few months after I got out of rehab, I met the man who would go on to become the eye in my hurricane...

My husband....A man of few words...My best friend...The one person in this world who no matter what is there for me...

Our marriage hasn't been perfect (really is any ones?)...

We have had to go through numerous obstacles to get where we are today including but not limited to....Financial trouble...Death of family members....Moving numerous times (he is retired military)...Long periods of time spent apart when he was stationed elsewhere...And most importantly an ex of his who to this day (we have been married 19 years - yes I married young) still tries like hell to come between us...

Now he isn't without fault of course because he should have been the one to say back the hell off...There have been 3 distinct times that she has hunted him down and they start talking and I can see the change in him...I told him the last time this happened that while I wouldn't ever choose his friends, it had to be me or her...

Now I should state he isn't physically cheating but in my mind emotional cheating is just as harmful...

She still wants him back and still loves him and would do anything for him BLAH BLAH BLAH...It stings just a little bit knowing they are having conversations that him and I should be having....

In my opinion this shouldn't even be any bearing in our marriage by now...So because she is the black cloud hanging over us, whenever he is even "off" in my eyes, I think he is back to talking to her...After the last time he swore, promised etc...no more...However I am paranoid and deep down still don't trust him 100% of the time...

I am trying to forgive and I don't know how...I am trying to move past it so I can stop worrying about each time his phone rings...

Yesterday I sat in my garage and just sobbed...I hate crying - It just isn't for me...

I cried about these thoughts that won't leave my head even though he hasn't given me any reason to think they are talking again....

I cried because I am not on any meds and sometimes I feel like I just can't breathe...I feel like I am almost in a constant panic attack...

I cried because I still haven't found my way back spiritually...

I cried because I don't know who I am anymore...

I cried because for the first time in 2 years I wanted so badly to just cut...I knew if I did I would be ok...I knew the release would come immediately...I had the scissors in my hand but I couldn't do it...

Do you even know how much of a psycho I feel like? Do you know what it is like to project one person to the outside world while inside you are screaming? The mask of bipolar isn't pretty and it isn't easy and I absolutely hate it...I hate feeling like there are 2 of me pulling at each other...2 of me fighting for release when I know only one of them will survive....

I know some of you may know exactly how I feel...The crushing feeling in your chest and no way to get it out.

I worry to much about each and every thing...Hubby tells me I would worry if I didn't have anything to worry about.

Now besides the ex, our marriage is almost perfect...Sure we have minor arguments however we have been through hell to get here and we have learned along the way... I love him more then words can say and if I could get her out of the picture (if she is still in it), then I think I could maybe breathe a little easier...

We have 2 children - Both boys....One is 13 and I shall call him Eeyore and the other is 5 and I will call him Tigger...

The 3 of them are the light in my darkness...

They are the reason I am still here today...

I know that bipolar may be hereditary and it took a long time before we even thought of having kids...I was horrified at the thought of my kids having to bear the cross I live with and knock on wood, neither of them show any signs...

Just the mom...

The crazy ass mom....

So I am asking you all, my bloggy friends for help...

How do I forgive and move on...

How do I stop worrying about this and see that it is all good...

I keep telling myself that until I am proved otherwise, I don't need to think about it however that is easier said then done.

How do you forgive and get that trust back?

STAIND
Another Day Inside My World
I'm Married To You And This Road
A Road That Never Lets Me Sleep
So There's No Way To Escape These Demons
I Am Forced To Keep