I Missed The Memo...

"If The World Hates You, Keep In Mind That It Hated Me First. If You Belonged To The World, It Would Love You As Its Own. As It Is, You Do Not Belong To The World, But I Have Chosen You Out Of The World. That Is Why The World Hates You."

John 15:18-19 

I missed the memo...Stating that the life of ministry would be a lonely one.

I find it ironic that He called someone who has barely spent a second alone, to do a work, that seems to get lonelier by the day...

I have also noticed that the only thing lonelier than be alone, is being lonely when you're not alone.

Not only that, but to take a people pleaser such as myself and push her towards one of the most overwhelming callings to have pretty much blows my mind.

I missed the memo...Stating that I would lose the majority of friends I do have, as well as some family members once I accepted this calling.

Since I have stopped hiding the plans He has for me, people have stopped hiding how they feel about the plans He has for me.

I used to be able to count on 10 hands how many people would be by my side if I wanted to go out and party...

I can count on one hand how many people are by my side if I ask them to join me at Church on Sunday or Bible study on Wednesday or Homeless feeding on Tuesday.

I missed the memo...Stating people would be downright hateful upon hearing you are becoming a Pastor.

Wow, for someone who wants everyone to like them, this one has been hard for me.

People who "knew me then" and people who "know me now" seem to think my life is fair game for judgement.

It isn't.

I missed the memo...Stating that you have to be "perfect" to be a Pastor.

Newsflash, no one on this Earth is perfect, we can strive for it, yet we will never achieve it on this side of life.

If you or someone you know, thinks they are perfect, I am here to tell you that you/they are delusional.

People who think they are perfect tend to hoard a sense of superiority over anyone they are in contact with, because they can't stand to not be the center of attention.

I missed the memo...Stating that this road would involve an enormous amount of emotional conflict within myself.

The nature of a Pastor is to care, be compassionate, be loving, be sensitive & be kind.

With each person I pray for, with each person that comes to me in confidence, I take on their momentary burden, and yes, it does affect me emotionally.

If I allow callousness to prevail and allow my emotions to be protected, I won't be able to do what He wants me to do.

In order to feel their hurts and share their burdens, I will be emotional from time to time.

I missed the memo...Stating that Satan would come after me with everything he has, in order to turn me away from God.

I could do post after post on this subject alone.

Day in and day out is a spiritual battle for all of our souls, not just mine...

The ones that do as he wishes them to do, (ie: the ones of this world) don't have it as hard as the ones who turn away from this world to do His bidding.

The second you denounce living in "this" world, Satan has your name and will come after you like a pitbull after a bone, never, ever giving up.

If he can get you to turn away from Him...

He wins.

It seems I have missed an awful lot of memos over the past 2 years, heck over the past 6 months, I do, however know of a few memos I didn't miss...

His to me.

He will always fight for me, - "The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still" - Exodus 14:14

He knows what is around the corner - "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" - Jeremiah 29:11

He goes, before I go - "The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." - Deuteronomy 31:8

He will always light my way - "You are all children of the light and children of the day. We do not belong to the night or to the darkness." - 1 Thessalonians 5:5

He will always, always love me, no matter what - "I love those who love me, and those who seek me find me." - Proverbs 8:17

MATTHEW WEST
Now You're Here And Everything's Changing
Suddenly Life Means So Much
I Can't Wait
To Wake Up Tomorrow
And Find Out This Promise Is True
I Will Never Have To Go Back To
The Day Before You  

The Purest Form Of Pain

"Turn To Me And Be Gracious To Me, For I Am Lonely And Afflicted. Relieve The Troubles Of My Heart And Free Me From My Anguish."

Psalm 25:16-17 

The pain of infidelity, abandonment and betrayal, cuts deep, to your very soul.

Not only do you have to go through the grief process of the betrayal and infidelity, there is a separate process for abandonment.

When an important relationship ends without shared grieving and without mutuality in the decision to split, abandonment happens.

If someone you love has left you with little or no warning, it can open wounds that reach all the way back to childhood.

If you have abandonment issues in your past, your current experience can bring up feelings you may have buried long ago.

This is a very frightening, painful experience that cuts to your very core.

I have spent 21 months working on these issues, working on forgiveness, trying to accept the pain of non-acceptance.

When bad things happen, people most likely will fight the reality of it.

This takes a lot of energy and results in a lot of pain.

This energy and suffering is in vain because we can never escape what has already happened.

I know that him leaving me had much more to do with him and his issues than it did with me, still that thought doesn't lesson the blow.

It isn't something I can say to my 7 year old and expect him to be okay with what his Dad has done.

Personally I thought I was doing pretty good with all things considered, how wrong I was and it all shattered around me on Wednesday night.

This past week has been an emotional roller-coaster for some reason, I have felt on edge and weepy and we all know I don't "do" weepy well.

There hasn't been any contact between him and I for almost a month, for whatever reason he has conjured up, I cease to exist now and that has been a hard pill to swallow.

When I say no contact, that is exactly what I mean, no checking on Tigger, nothing about Eeyore...

21 years of marriage, contact every single day, now if I was on fire on the side of the road, I think he would cross just to avoid wasting water.

Wednesday nights are looked forward to, Bible study (even if the Pastor calls on me to pray out loud), it comes right in the middle of the week, breaks up the work week.

This past Wednesday, I just didn't have it in me, I went to Church and sat in the parking lot, texted G and told him I was just sitting there in the dark, staring at the Church and quite honestly what in the world was wrong with me this week.

I debated going home, yet knew I had to go in, if nothing, then just to be in His presence...

I opened the back door, and something took over me, I walked straight to my Pastors' office and told him that even though we have Bible study, I just couldn't, I needed to be alone with Him and could I please just sit in the Sanctuary, alone for awhile.

"What's wrong", he asked, "Nothing" I replied, I just need to be with Him, there is that look of concern he seems to wear whenever I come around lately, "You sure"?

"Please".

"Go on in, close the door and take all the time you need".

As I closed the door to separate me from the participators of Bible study, I walked into the darkened Sanctuary, the only light, a dim spotlight over the pulpit, no noise, perfect...

I sat in the front row and stared at the pulpit, knowing I would be up there in due time and I tried to focus on that, the air around me became so thick, I could hardly breathe, my heart felt like it was going to pound out of my chest and the tears came...

For 50 straight minutes, I cried...

For the complete loss of the dreams I had for my marriage, about our relationship and where it was heading, and losing this dream has been a rude & frightening awakening.

The pain was so intense, I didn't think I would be able to get past it...

Almost as bad, if not worse than when the affair was finally brought to the light, just a pure, white, hot pain from deep within...

So I started talking to Him aloud, in the hopes that the sobbing would subside and I wouldn't end up in the mental ward anytime soon.

And in between gasping for air, blowing my nose, wiping my eyes, I poured it all out, the anger, the sadness, the feelings of self-doubt, the shattered ego, the worry, the utter fear, the thoughts of cutting again, the thoughts of using again, anything to self-medicate and make the time just freeze for a few hours.

As I sat there, paced there, prayed there and walked there, something shifted, in the air and in myself, the air wasn't quite so heavy, I wasn't quite so heavy within.

I felt peace, the peace I had been seeking all along.

He was there, there is no doubt in my mind, His house, His child, crying out to Him, begging Him to please make the hurt go away.

In my purest form of pain, I found His comfort, His strength and most importantly His love.

Next thing you know, I heard voices, I forgot the back of the Church was filled with people...

I went to the restroom, what a mess...

Mascara running, face red, eyes puffy, so I waited until I didn't hear any more chatter before I left, basically because I didn't want anyone to see me and as I opened the door, the first person I saw was the Pastors' wife...

She looked at me long and hard, walked over and hugged me, whispered in my ear "Everything will be alright" and didn't even ask what was wrong, I asked her to thank the Pastor for the time he gave me and I finally went home.

Am I better today?

Yes, after another breakdown yesterday, and a few choice words from G, I know I will be okay, I know this isn't about me, I know when my divorce is final, He will forgive me, I know He has greater plans for me.

I know finally what this means ~ Philippians 4:7 And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

TENTH AVENUE NORTH
'Cause This Is Not About What You've Done
But What's Been Done For You
This Is Not About Where You've Been
But Where Your Brokenness Brings You To

Just A Song

"Save Me, O God; For The Waters Are Come In Unto My Soul."

Psalm 69:1

I am sinking in the river that is raging.

I am drowning.

Will I ever, rise to breathe again?

I wanna know why.

I just wanna understand.

Will I ever know why?

How could this be from Your hand?

When every little thing that I have dreamed would be, just slips away like water through my hands.

And when it seems the walls of my belief are crashing down, like they’re all made of sand.

I won’t, let go of You now.

because I know, oh, You’re not shaken.

I am trembling in the darkness of my own fear.

All the questions with no answers.

So grip me while I’m here.

And I may never know why.

Oh I may not understand.

But I will lift up my eyes,

and trust this is Your plan.

When I am in the valley

of the shadow of death

You’re not shaken

You’re not shaken

You're right here beside me and

You have never left

You're not shaken

You're not shaken

By Phil Stacey

Ever have just one of those days where nothing seems to come together?

No matter how hard you try, no matter how hard you pray, no matter how hard you hope, everything just feels like sand slipping through your fingers.

You try to catch your breath before the next wave threatens to overtake you, yet it feels like there isn't enough time to take a deep one, you are tempted to just give in, let the waves thrash you about, tossing and turning you, letting you land wherever the water chooses to spit you out, thinking that perhaps, just today, the waves are a better choice than the fight it takes to stay above them.

That is the kind of day I am having today.

MICHAEL W. SMITH
Maybe You're Wondering Where Love Is
You May Feel It's Far Away From Here
Maybe You're Wondering Where I Am
You Might Be Surprised To Find I'm Near

Through The Valley

"Yea, Though I Walk Through The Valley Of The Shadow Of Death, I Will Fear No Evil: For Thou Art With Me; Thy Rod And Thy Staff They Comfort Me."

Psalm 23:4

The above verse used to scare me, I wanted no part of "the valley of the shadow of death", thank you very much...

As I become more mature in Christ, things that used to stand out to me have a whole new meaning now and this Scripture is one of them.

It doesn't say "valley of death", however it is emphasizing how in the valley, "death" is just a shadow, an illusion, not real.

It is a reminder that the evil, decaying things of the world cannot harm us, as long as He is walking beside us, they are just scary illusions.

In our lives, we all face transitions and in those transitions comes a point when we must move from point A to point B, it is in that move when we are most vulnerable.

Scared, of what we are about to face, fear, of the unknown, doubt, we can do what we are being called to do, confusion, that perhaps we will fail, impatience, because we aren't moving forward as fast as we want to move.

Upon entering the valley, you have got to remember to continue to move forward, otherwise you will become stuck and now is not the time to stop and have a picnic.

Satan would love nothing more than to find you, alone in the valley, having a self-pity picnic, table for one, complete with lack of self-worth and a little bit of self-doubt sprinkled on top for good measure.

 If you don't allow God to be right beside you as you walk through the darkness, you won't be able to find your way out...

Trust me, it gets mighty dark in there.

Each step you take in the valley, He is walking right beside you, it is up to you to call on Him to guide you out.

When I began this journey, someone once told me, "When and how God chooses to comfort you may come as a surprise, but comfort almost always comes in the form of another human being. The right words, spoken at the right time lift your broken heart and broken spirit. They give you hope that life will go on."

I call on Him, a lot, all day, every day.

I speak to Him more than I speak to anyone, yet somedays I still find myself in the middle of the valley, darkness all around and it still isn't second nature to call on Him to shine a light on my path.

I do know in my heart that with His help, I am greater than what I fear, I just have to remember that.

I believe that during transition, you are susceptible to spiritual warfare, it is during this time that you are weak, tired of fighting, weary, that the enemy will come in with a vengeance.

He doesn't want you to be able to move forward with God, so he will do all he can to hold you back, he will kindly play the trumpet at your pity party picnic.

Which is where my blessed Father found me today, spinning circles in the valley of darkness, after I called out to Him, He sent my dear brother to help pull me out.

Not that G isn't always around, he is, anytime of the day/night.

I know that no matter what, all I have to do is seek him out and he will drop anything, that is a very sacred blessing to me, an answer to a prayer I asked for long ago and He blessed me with a friend who will go the extra mile. No. Matter. What.

The spiritual bond I have with him is unlike anything I have ever known, he knows just by the way I answer something, how my mood is...

I can't hide behind IM or text with him, he just knows and I am forever grateful for that...

He knew today I was swimming in the lake of despair, or as he put it "That is resentment, Sis" and he will allow me to get it all out, yet he will halt a pity party picnic in a heartbeat.

He won't allow me to own my husbands' affair nor abandonment, though I will admit I do try.

He has been one of the biggest surprises in this mess, yet one of the ones I am most thankful for.

The "why" is what gets me and when I ask all I get are "crickets", and yes, I hate it...

(There in lies my pity picnic today....Why, why, why, blah, blah, blah...)

Hate the sin, not the sinner...

That is what I am trying to distinguish between.

I was raised to "do unto others", however I want to raise my boys that you treat people with respect, kindness, love and compassion, regardless of how they treat you.

In the midst of infidelity, it is almost inhuman to ask me to treat my husband like that and when we do interact, it takes all of my strength to do so.

The walk in the valley has been long, the season has been almost unrelenting, yet the bright spots are blinding...

The valley of shadows is not a place to picnic at, it isn't a place to lay down our blanket or tablecloth and it isn't a place to stop and admire the beauty of our pain, this isn't the time to be resting.

The valley of the shadows is a place where the Bible calls us to keep on walking because suffering is not only something we will go through, it is also something that we have to get through, the pathway to obedience and the race that takes perseverance to glory and victory.

The promise of His word, is that God will be with us as we walk.

He will guard our steps, He will give us strength & with His mercy, He will enable us to cope.

He will walk with us even through our unsolved problems, correct us when we need correcting, and in the end, we will come to that new pasture.

He knows where we are going and is committed to guiding us, even if we have to walk through the valley to get there.

NEWSBOYS
In The Lone Hour Of My Sorrow
Through The Darkest Night Of My Soul
You Surround Me And Sustain Me
My Defender, Forevermore

Yes. No. Wait.

"So God Created Mankind In His Own Image, In The Image Of God He Created Them; Male And Female He Created Them."

Genesis 1:26-27

Once again, I had a different post planned, once again, He had other plans for me.

I received an email yesterday afternoon, I was driving back to work when my phone went off, I pulled it up and glanced at it, knowing I would need to read it as soon as I got back to work.

That email gave me the outline for this post today.

Before I answered the email, I thought long and hard on what I would say, knowing that the last thing I want to do is lead someone astray...

Give me your words, Dear Lord, was my prayer when I sat down last night to answer her.

Flaws, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually...

We all have them, some are seen, some are just felt deep within yourself.

No one walking the Earth today is perfect, on the outside or on the inside.

The beautiful woman you see in the store, may be hiding a sinister past, the handsome waiter who helped you last night, may go home and beat his children every night, the little old lady at Church who bakes the best cookies you have ever tasted, may feel worthless, the teenager you saw at the mall last week, may be plotting to kill his family this week...

If you have been on this journey with me from the beginning, you know my past, you know the emotional struggle I have with the bi-polar label...

Some have a flaw you can see, I had an aunt who was mentally challenged (is that PC?)...Born that way, I never knew her any other way, yet I loved her, I didn't look at her flaw, she was family and that is how family should be.

Some are born "normal" and something happens in childhood to change them from our perception of "normal", perhaps they were sick as an infant, maybe a medication was administered in a way that it shouldn't have been, maybe they grew up one way and a car accident changed all that, whatever the cause, you may see them as less of a person because they aren't just like you.

Slapping a bi-polar label on me when I was young made me feel like I was less than others, a freak...

Upon being discharged from rehab, I had to wear a medic alert bracelet, on the inside it said "recovering addict" "zero narcotics" "lithium"...

Specially made no less...

I couldn't get car insurance due to the lithium I took, once people found out, I could almost see their minds turning...

"Freak" is what I seemed to have flashing above my head, the media didn't help when they would blow bi-polar out of proportion, making us all sound like psychotic killers just lying in wait for you to go to bed.

I was so angry at God, angry He made me like this...

I couldn't see the bigger picture, the good things that come with having bi-polar, I could only focus on the bad, the rage, the drug abuse, the cutting etc....

I didn't see the emotional aspect of it, I couldn't see it because I was so angry.

All along I just wanted to be normal and in my way of thinking, He didn't love me as much as the next person because I was "different".

He singled me out, slapped me with a debilitating mental illness and left me out for the wolves.

For over 20 years, I thought this...I was unworthy of Him because I wasn't "normal", I begged in my prayers to please ease the turmoil in my mind, make me like others...

Just normal.

For over 20 years, I felt like my prayers weren't answered, I felt lost, angry, confused and abandoned.

To have a mind which doesn't seem to be your own, is a suffering I wouldn't wish on anyone, thoughts that you can't seem to control, actions that are so out of character, feelings that are multiplied by a zillion and a sense of aloneness that is very hard to put into words.

That was a fire I walked through for a very long time, only now coming out of the other side and realizing something beautiful, He was still standing there right with me.

Yes, I am "damaged" as some people put it, yes, you may feel "damaged" as well, yet, that doesn't make Him love you any less then the person sitting next to you.

He "heard" every cry I put out to Him, every prayer I prayed, everytime I called His name, He heard me and no, He didn't answer them the way I figured He would answer them...

I expected to wake one morning and my mind be at ease, to once again (before the diagnosis) be "normal", yet it didn't happen, instead He showed me the beautiful aspects of having bi-polar, the emotional aspects that I can use in the ministry and eventually when I am preaching, the empathy for others who seek, yet can't seem to find.

Waiting is the hardest part of any prayer, that is what I told the person who emailed me yesterday.

Yes and No is easy, however no one wants to wait.

In this day and age of "instant" everything, we don't have the patience (haha, now I know where I get it from) to wait on Him, we think if He isn't answering, then He is ignoring so we set off and try to do it on our own instead.

Thinking like "man", that we can do it better, faster and with the results we want instead of waiting on His time.

If you are praying and it seems that the prayers just aren't being answered nor heard, you need to take a step back and first of all make sure you are praying in His will...

This is so hard for me as I am sure it is for some of you, you think you know what is best for you so you pray for it and come on, let's be honest, sometimes we selfishly pray for utterly ridiculous things that we don't need...

He won't grant these types of prayers, He knows exactly what you need before you even begin to think you need it.

Prayers can be blocked, I have covered this before, sin, selfishness and the spirit of unforgiveness will block your prayers from being heard, you may throw them out there, however they are just bouncing off the ceiling.

Psalm 66:18 - "If I regard iniquity in my heart, the Lord will not hear me".

You don't have to be physically, mentally, spiritually nor emotionally "perfect" for Him to hear you, for Him to answer you, nor for Him to love you....

He does that anyway because we are His children.

Yes, we may have limitations in our lives, His love, however has none, regardless of how we see ourselves.

MARK SCHULTZ
I Know I’m Broken
But You Alone
Can Mend This Heart Of Mine
You’re Always With Me