Hello

Hi All...

First I have to send thanks to each of you for your kind words, prayers and emails...One of you sent me an email that was very honest and I want to respond however I just haven't had the time (within the time frame you gave me - Hope you know who you are) however I will as soon as I can and I thank you for your honesty (((HUGS)))...

I found a new job and started yesterday - I hate it but it is a paycheck for now which is more then I have received in the last 3 months from my other job...

Sunday (yes Mother's Day) was almost a great day and then "she" started calling so after he answered and spoke to her 4 times, I told him he had to go...He needed to make a decision so I could either move on with him or without him...(Of course I want with)

He left yesterday to go back to his Moms' house in VA (at like 2 am) and I spoke to him at lunch and he was safe...Didn't hear anything back for the rest of the day/night...He called this morning and he is in SC (guess who lives there)...It is something he had to do he says - It better be for closure is all I am going to say...

Every fiber of my being hurts and I honestly can't believe I am still wanting to try...Am I a complete idiot? (I am really asking you this - Do you think I am an idiot?)

No more cutting though...Couldn't anyway since my arm still isn't healed...It hurts to breathe and I just want to wake up tomorrow and this had all been a bad dream...

How could one person (me) have been so blind? How could I have not seen this coming in a million years? And where in the hell has this me been? The one that gets up every morning and gets through yet another day of uncertainty without losing my mind? No yelling, no tears, no panic, no anger...Nothing...That is what I have right now - Not a damn thing and you know what - I will be ok...

I miss you all so very much! I think about all of you and will keep posting as time allows...Thank you all so much!

(((HUGS))) to each of you!!



BLUE OCTOBER
A Brief Bout With A Razorblade Cut Me
I Freaked Out, Thinking People Didn't Love Me
I Watched Closely As The You I Knew Forgot Me
In Letting Go, I Am So Proud Of What I've Done

Hello Again

***Bad words - You have been warned***



Well it has been over a week...

I missed you all and want you to know that I may not have responded but I did appreciate all the emails...

Where do I start?

The meds are fine...

There are 17 cuts down my arm as I type this (so they may not be working the way they should)...

Last Saturday night hubby came home and shattered my world with these words - "I cheated while I was gone" (Yes with the whore he has been texting for the past 2 months)...

He is confused (I am leaning towards a mid-life crisis the more I read about it) and I am tired...

Sunday and Monday I was so fucking numb I couldn't breathe...

No tears no anger - Just numbness...

Never in a million years would I have expected him to say that or me to react the way I did (Good thing I was medicated otherwise I may be writing this from prison and he would have a knife hanging out of his fucking neck)...

There are other signs that point towards a midlife crisis but this stands out in the forefront...

And before you ask yes he is still talking to her and texting her and now has a picture of her as his screensaver on his phone... (GAG ME!)

"We are just friends" he says...

I say "You crossed the friendship line when you stuck your dick in her"

I can't stop talking to her he says so I took last week off of work and did a lot of soul searching...

I went to the beach and to the church parking lot and I cried like I have never cried before but not around him - He will NEVER see how bad he hurt me until he comes to his damn senses...

Somewhere I came up with I am not giving up on my marriage - We have been together 21 years and married for 19 years and this is the first time he (says him and why lie now) cheated so I am trying like hell to chalk it up as a mistake and move forward - VERY hard with her still in the picture. He has yet to show any remorse and hasn't apologized...

I got the "I love you but I'm don't now if I am in love with you speech"

Also got the "I don't know if I have any feelings for our marriage anymore"

And this is a good one - "I have loved her for 28 years"

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? I HAVE NEVER EVEN HEARD HER FUCKING NAME BEFORE RIGHT NOW!

He has reverted back to a teenager basically so now I am left holding everything...

ME - I can barely hold myself together half the damn time...

As if that wasn't bad enough we are apparently going to be evicted...

The bills are piling up since I haven't been paid in almost 3 months and his check can't cover everything...

So today I walked out of my job (with no pay)...

I went in search of something else so wish me luck...

I have questioned whether I would share this with you all but I am praying someone out there knows anything about a midlife crisis and how to stand by without being a doormat...

If so please let me know...

I will be back tomorrow...

I missed you all and thank you!

STAIND
Sometimes The Weak Become The Strong

Time

I don't want to go into detail however I am having a rough time right now and will be back as soon as I can.

Because You Asked

I am at work right now but since some of you asked and I am ever obliging to my BFs' I am going to explain my oldest to you....

He is my firstborn and I can still remember the day (almost 14 years ago - Where did the time go?) that we brought him home...

He is a very pretty guy (don't tell him I said that)...He has soft features and pretty is the only word to describe it.

He is very tall - Almost as tall as I am which is 5'10...

He is very very skinny - All legs and arms and no he damn sure didn't take after me LOL...

He gets good grades in school as you all know...

All his classes are advanced classes and he hates that I agree with the school on having him in them...

He has a couple of gender specific classes and hates that even more...

His room looks like a friggen bomb went off in there and he is very slow to clean it...

He is excellent with Tigger and any other children he comes in contact with...

He doesn't talk much (That is ok because Tigger more then makes up for it!)...

He tries to act tough then at times I see my little boy still in there...

He is more like me then I care to admit (scary I know)...

He stands out in class because he isn't like the other kids in there...

He isn't going to be the one wearing Khakis with the mechanical pencil in his shirt (Yes kids still do that haha) and his nice starched shirt tucked into his pants with a belt and nice laced up shoes...

Mine is the one wearing all black all the friggen time (We live in the Sunshine State - It is HOT here people!)...

Skin tight (so tight you can see the package - his friends do this to - looks painful to me) jeans, black shirt with some band on it I have never heard of and clunky skateboarding shoes that aren't tied...

He has been known to paint his nails black as well...

He also has long hair...

Let me rephrase that...

Long WHITE hair...

His hair is the color woman pay excellent money to get and it is all natural (Yes that he got from me - Whoo-Hoo)...Think the lightest blond you can imagine (not mine anymore cause I color mine all the time) and that would be his...

I have avoided allowing him to mess with his hair because in all reality it is such a pretty color and I am all about picking and choosing my battles however he has been begging me to let him color his hair jet black...

Now we are Casper white people (Me, him and Tigger) and with jet black hair I am sure he would look transparent plus I know all about coloring hair and how it can ruin it for good so I made a compromise sorta...

He asked for some black streaks and my dumb ass said ok...

I haven't seen him today since he was at a friends' house who was doing it for him and I am a little scared now lol...

Personally I really don't mind what I mind is the prejudging that I know people do when they see him however he is so self-confident and it doesn't bother him at all...

I realized I could learn a thing or 2 from him...

Once I see it I will let you all know - Maybe he will let me take a picture of it. (doubt it because I am that way as well)

I hope you all have a fantastic weekend! Be safe!!


MICHAEL W. SMITH
Here I Stand
Arms Open Wide
I've Held Ya Close
Kept You Safe
Till You Could Fly

Remember This...

It is 11pm and I should be in bed but like normal I am not...I just happened to finally go through my mail today and guess what I got?

Remember this post about my oldest and the Who's Who nomination...

The letter came today and I stared at it thinking - Don't get your hopes up - He is in 7th grade and the others are so much older then him etc....

We told him from the day he got the letter how much of an honor it was just to be nominated and how proud we were of him for that...

I waited to open the letter just so I wasn't disappointed for him and of course curiosity got the best of me...

Hold your breath like I did and now read this -

"This award is being presented to "Eeyore" for being recognized as an honored student in the 2008-2009 National Edition of Who's Who Registry of Academic Excellence tm"

Can I just say HOLY SHIT! He made it and he doesn't even know since he is staying at a friends' house tonight and they are dying their hair black...(that is another story for another time)

I know you are probably all sleeping but I had to share with you guys!

Have a wonderful night...Sleep tight and sweet dreams to you all!

P.S. Hubby is on the way home :)