Today

Hello my friends...
I have missed you all terribly however with the new job and the crap at home I barely have time to check much less post however I miss blogging and will make a better effort to post more often...
Things at home vary from day to day...
Yesterday and today were good...
2 days ago not so good...
I have "seen" more of my "real" hubby in the last week then I have in the last four months so that is good...
Baggage is still in the picture and we now have another one being contacted...
I will refer to her as Dark Cloud...
Dark Cloud was the ex from high school...
Baggage was the ex from middle school...
Dark Cloud has been hanging over our heads from before we were married (Crazy jealous woman)...
Baggage is new to me since I had never heard of her up until 5 months ago...
I have found humor in the situation now...
I find it funny he is trying to get back in touch with Dark Cloud (via text though no answer from her yet)...
I find it funny that what he is searching for is already in front of him yet he can't see it...
What I don't find funny are the days when I am invisible...
Like he can't see me in the house and I thank God those days are few and far in between...
I don't find the look of anguish on his face funny, it breaks my heart...
I don't find the look of sadness on his face funny, it to breaks my heart...
I have found my spiritual self...
I have found inner peace...
I am no longer scrambling to live...
I am stronger now then I ever thought I could ever be...
I live for my happiness that I provide...
I live for my boys...
I still believe with all my heart that we can make it through this together with a better, stronger marriage however if we don't, I no longer live in fear...
I can make it on my own...
I have researched this until I can't read anymore and have accepted that this is something he has to go through alone...
I offer my support...
I detach from the emotional aspect of it...
I have done a 180 as far as he is concerned...
I offer my love...
I don't wait for "crumbs"...
I don't allow "cake-eating"...
I get up and put one foot in front of the other...
I feel better now then I did yesterday...
I wake up everyday and say to myself "One day closer to this being done"...
I miss my husband....
I miss my best friend...
I miss our life...
I don't hate anymore...
There is no anger, no tears...
I take my meds everyday and I pray every night that this will be over and we will be better then ever...
Now how are you all my bloggy friends?
I miss talking to you all everyday but hopefully soon that will change as well...
I am hoping you all went and saw Nikki about her contest?
Don't make me get bossy on you all!
Have a terrific weekend my friends....
(((Hugs))) to you all!!

TIM McGRAW
Today, I'm Gonna Keep On Walkin,
I'm Gonna Hold My Head Up High
Gonna Leave It All Behind
Today, I'm Gonna Stand Out In The Rain
Let It Wash It All Away, Yeah, Wash It All Away

Inner Peace...Finally?

((((((((((HUGS)))))))))) to all who need it!

I am such a horrible blogger and I apologize for not being here...

I am going to make an effort to be better with this...

I still read your blogs however I just don't comment right now...

Life has been about the same...

Some days are better then others...

Some days I "see" my real husband and other days I see the "dickhead"...

Seeing my real husband keeps me going on the bad days...

The "baggage" (what I call her in my head) is still in the picture however I have been doing extensive research on a midlife crisis w/infidelity and have come across some fascinating things so I have taken a stand - back...

I watch the self destruction without a word being said...

I don't cry nor let him have a clue how bad he hurt me...

I don't yell...

I have moved forward...

If he is on the phone with her I continue going about my business...

If they are texting, I continue on...

Most days I don't want to take a deep breath however I still do...

I tell myself that they are living in a fantasy world and he is lashing out at me because I am the reality...

I get up each day and hope we are one day closer to being able to move forward together with a stronger marriage in spite of the absolute shit he has thrown at me these last few weeks...

I thank God every morning and night that I am still standing and breathing...

Not cutting or acting the fool...

I will allow the baggage to do that...

I have 2 kids I love that need me since their Dad has reverted to a teenager...

I do my best every day to show him his actions have no effect on me...

I don't react to anything he says anymore...

I have bared the brunt of his accusations since he returned and I made myself a promise...

I won't have that guilt anymore...

He did this not me...

I did nothing to deserve this treatment and I no longer accept the blame or the guilt....

I gave it back to him...

I will do nothing to justify his actions...

I won't beg, cry, plead or bargain with him...

It will be 100% or nothing and I am moving to that with or without him...

Does it hurt? More then words can ever describe....

I have watched him trash the things I believed in more than anything in the world...

Our marriage, our vows, our trust and our love...

He has done a 180 in such a short time and I pray he can come back from it however as I am trying to get him to see (by my actions), I don't need him...

I want him but I no longer need him or anyone else for anything that I can find within myself...

To you all who recommended The Shack - I thank you so very much from the bottom of my heart...That is what helped me find my strength...

My inner peace has been found...

It was inside me all along and I just didn't know it.

RASCAL FLATTS

I've Dealt With My Ghosts And I've Faced All My Demons

Finally Content With A Past I Regret

I've Found You Find Strength In Your Moments Of Weakness

For Once I'm At Peace With Myself

I've Been Burdened With Blame, Trapped In The Past For Too Long

I'm Movin' On

Hello

Hi All...

First I have to send thanks to each of you for your kind words, prayers and emails...One of you sent me an email that was very honest and I want to respond however I just haven't had the time (within the time frame you gave me - Hope you know who you are) however I will as soon as I can and I thank you for your honesty (((HUGS)))...

I found a new job and started yesterday - I hate it but it is a paycheck for now which is more then I have received in the last 3 months from my other job...

Sunday (yes Mother's Day) was almost a great day and then "she" started calling so after he answered and spoke to her 4 times, I told him he had to go...He needed to make a decision so I could either move on with him or without him...(Of course I want with)

He left yesterday to go back to his Moms' house in VA (at like 2 am) and I spoke to him at lunch and he was safe...Didn't hear anything back for the rest of the day/night...He called this morning and he is in SC (guess who lives there)...It is something he had to do he says - It better be for closure is all I am going to say...

Every fiber of my being hurts and I honestly can't believe I am still wanting to try...Am I a complete idiot? (I am really asking you this - Do you think I am an idiot?)

No more cutting though...Couldn't anyway since my arm still isn't healed...It hurts to breathe and I just want to wake up tomorrow and this had all been a bad dream...

How could one person (me) have been so blind? How could I have not seen this coming in a million years? And where in the hell has this me been? The one that gets up every morning and gets through yet another day of uncertainty without losing my mind? No yelling, no tears, no panic, no anger...Nothing...That is what I have right now - Not a damn thing and you know what - I will be ok...

I miss you all so very much! I think about all of you and will keep posting as time allows...Thank you all so much!

(((HUGS))) to each of you!!



BLUE OCTOBER
A Brief Bout With A Razorblade Cut Me
I Freaked Out, Thinking People Didn't Love Me
I Watched Closely As The You I Knew Forgot Me
In Letting Go, I Am So Proud Of What I've Done

Hello Again

***Bad words - You have been warned***



Well it has been over a week...

I missed you all and want you to know that I may not have responded but I did appreciate all the emails...

Where do I start?

The meds are fine...

There are 17 cuts down my arm as I type this (so they may not be working the way they should)...

Last Saturday night hubby came home and shattered my world with these words - "I cheated while I was gone" (Yes with the whore he has been texting for the past 2 months)...

He is confused (I am leaning towards a mid-life crisis the more I read about it) and I am tired...

Sunday and Monday I was so fucking numb I couldn't breathe...

No tears no anger - Just numbness...

Never in a million years would I have expected him to say that or me to react the way I did (Good thing I was medicated otherwise I may be writing this from prison and he would have a knife hanging out of his fucking neck)...

There are other signs that point towards a midlife crisis but this stands out in the forefront...

And before you ask yes he is still talking to her and texting her and now has a picture of her as his screensaver on his phone... (GAG ME!)

"We are just friends" he says...

I say "You crossed the friendship line when you stuck your dick in her"

I can't stop talking to her he says so I took last week off of work and did a lot of soul searching...

I went to the beach and to the church parking lot and I cried like I have never cried before but not around him - He will NEVER see how bad he hurt me until he comes to his damn senses...

Somewhere I came up with I am not giving up on my marriage - We have been together 21 years and married for 19 years and this is the first time he (says him and why lie now) cheated so I am trying like hell to chalk it up as a mistake and move forward - VERY hard with her still in the picture. He has yet to show any remorse and hasn't apologized...

I got the "I love you but I'm don't now if I am in love with you speech"

Also got the "I don't know if I have any feelings for our marriage anymore"

And this is a good one - "I have loved her for 28 years"

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? I HAVE NEVER EVEN HEARD HER FUCKING NAME BEFORE RIGHT NOW!

He has reverted back to a teenager basically so now I am left holding everything...

ME - I can barely hold myself together half the damn time...

As if that wasn't bad enough we are apparently going to be evicted...

The bills are piling up since I haven't been paid in almost 3 months and his check can't cover everything...

So today I walked out of my job (with no pay)...

I went in search of something else so wish me luck...

I have questioned whether I would share this with you all but I am praying someone out there knows anything about a midlife crisis and how to stand by without being a doormat...

If so please let me know...

I will be back tomorrow...

I missed you all and thank you!

STAIND
Sometimes The Weak Become The Strong

Time

I don't want to go into detail however I am having a rough time right now and will be back as soon as I can.