I have been working on this post for a few days now and I am warning you now I didn't hold anything back....These are my thoughts and my feelings on having bipolar...There is bad language so if that offends you I am sorry...You have been warned....
01/27/09
Is the day I made my first
post...
If I wouldn't have started this I don't think I would be here right now...
That day was the day I was done...
Done with the meds...
Done with the constant fighting inside myself...
Done hurting my family...
I was ready to die...
I figured my kids could do no better then having to live with a mom who just couldn't get her fucking mind together...
I wanted nothing more from my life and then I wrote a welcome post..
Then another post later and so on until I could get on here and work it out...
Originally this blog was going to be private however something told me to leave it public...
So I left it and a few days later I started getting the sweetest comments from people and little by little it eased the pressure that had been building for so long.
I have met some really fantastic people on here who are nothing like me however they accept me without judgement...
Just by what I say here....
That my friends is something I treasure so much you may never know the depths of it.
I have at one point in time or another been called the following...Paranoid, Psycho, Mental, Schizophrenic, Crazy Bitch, Wacko etc...I am none of these....I have bipolar and when I started this blog it was with the soul purpose of helping others who feel stigmatized by society...Having a mental illness is bad enough...Having people not understand and think you are a freak is even worse....I wanted a place where others could come, share and feel wanted....
I was diagnosed at 17 long before bipolar was "cool" and have been through a shitload of meds from then until now...I used cutting as a form of dealing with my life and there is nothing cool about that. Each and every day that I allow this to build up, brings me back to the days when a razor would fix it all...Just a few slices and the relief would be there...As of this moment I have zero meds in my system though that may change when I go back to my Dr.
Bipolar is a chemical imbalance in my brain that I have a hard time controlling however I am doing the best I can with what I have. Some days of course are better then others...The bad days make me want to take my medication and the good days show me why I don't take it.
Bipolar used to be called manic depressive disorder...It is a mood disorder that is identified by highs and lows which are much more extreme than most people are used to. While in the grip of a bipolar episode suffers can act in ways that are very unlike their normal pattern of behaviour and this can sometimes turn dangerous.
When I am high (manic), I am unstoppable...I am full of energy and will take on anything...Sounds good right? No...This can then lead a person who is bipolar to making bad decisions, turning to drugs such as cocaine and consuming excessive amounts of alcohol. Some people also find that during a high they will get an overwhelming urge to spend large amounts of money that often they cannot afford....
See this "high"??? It has put us into bankruptcy.
When I am low (depressed), this can last for very prolonged periods of time and this can have a profound effect on the person suffering. Sometimes I might not want to get up in the mornings so my work suffers. I have little or no appetite and things that I once enjoyed hold no appeal. Some people who are bipolar also contemplate suicide...
See this "low"??? It brought me to you.
In the middle - These highs and lows can be mixed with times I can feel quite well and as though I am not bipolar. This can be a tough time as it is at this point that some bipolar sufferers believe that they are cured and no longer have to take their prescribed medication...
Guess where I am on this???
Bipolar is a lifetime of struggling through delusions, suicidal urges, wrecked relationships, self-loathing... It's not "cool or emo or fun." It's not something I would wish on my worst enemy. Bipolar disorder rips your life apart and shoves it up your ass. There is nothing subtle about it.
There are days when I am so full of rage over nothing I can barely see straight...
There are other days that I could just sit and have a soul-wrenching cry over nothing...
See a pattern...
Nothing brings it out...
Nothing sets it off...
It is just there all day everyday and I have learned that no matter how much I try to avoid it, it will still come up and slap me in the face when I least expect it...
The emotional see-saw is disheartening to live with...
The racing mind is awful because I can't always "grab" the thought I am looking for...
I talk at about 100 mph and skip words because I am trying to get it all out in one sentence...
I sleep maybe 4 hours a night...
I write a lot...
Writing makes me slow down and get it all out in a coherent format that others can understand...
I hide my bipolar side from most people who come into contact with me...
It isn't something I share with people in my real life...
It isn't their business and since I have had this for so long, I have learned who I can and can't trust....
I never really know who is going to pass judgement so I keep it to myself...
Up until now...
Now of course you all know...
The mask is off...
Now you can see my other side...
I am still going to continue on this journey because I know there are others out there who know exactly what I am talking about....
They know exactly how I am feeling...
They know the feeling of losing your complete mind and scared to death you won't come back from it...
They know the feeling of judgement and scorn and embarrassment and shame...
Yes shame...
I am ashamed of the things I have done in the past and I am also my own worst enemy....
I haven't forgiven myself and I am honestly not sure that I ever will...
They walk with their heads down...
Never quite looking you in the eye...
In a manic episode you think they are higher then a kite (and some may be)...
In a depressive episode, they may turn to suicide because you truly feel like no one understands and if you are lucky the in-between stage can be a beautiful place for them...
They can almost see, feel and breathe again...
It may be for a short time, it may be for a long time but they almost feel normal again...
The mask is almost always in place though it may slip every now and then....
They are human who didn't ask for a mental illness...
They were probably born like that, never knew about it for so long and then somewhere along the walk of life, something happened to them and they had to change in order to survive...
They don't deserve to be mistreated or be made fun of or even ignored...
They are survivors from all walks of life...
I am a they.
STAINDWhat Would You Do, If It Was YouWould You Take EverythingFor Granted Like You Do
