Just Before Dawn

"How Long Must I Wrestle With My Thoughts And Every Day Have Sorrow In My Heart? How Long Will My Enemy Triumph Over Me?"
Psalm 13:2

I woke up early this morning, when I say early I mean sometime right before 5am.

I was wide awake, the house was still and quiet.

I took a shower without my 7 year old beating on the door wanting in and then took my coffee outside.

I could hear the world starting to wake up, birds chirping, traffic going by, wind rustling through the leaves on the ground.

As I sat on the bench, legs tucked up underneath me, I just imagined Him sitting beside me...

It was one of the most peaceful mornings I have had in a very long time.

I stayed outside for almost 2 hours before anyone else got up...

Just sitting, thinking, reflecting, pondering, wondering, questioning etc...

I don't have to speak out loud when I am with Him, He sees my heart, hears my thoughts, reads my mind.

No masks with Him, even if I tried, He would see past them...

I have been feeling a bit down lately, struggling to hide it to the people around me, not sad really, just blah.

Out of all the people in my life, only one has seen past the mask I put on over a week ago.

Not only did he see past it, he called me on it as well.

I have spoken about G quite a few times, a blessing in my life that I wouldn't give up for anything.

My brother, a kindred spirit and a true friend.

He allowed me a few days of tricking myself into thinking I was perfectly fine, than called my bluff yesterday.

Yes he is a world-class butt-kicker like that.

The point is I should have known better...

I told him over and over I was ok until I almost believed it...

Key word is almost, because once night hits, I am not ok.

The hours between dusk and dawn can be very long and very painful I have found out.

Those are the hours of self-doubt...

The times when sleep just will not come and thoughts take over.

Wicked thoughts, designed to tear you down and keep you down...

The "what if", "what could be", "what I should have done", "what I could have done different" etc...

Thoughts that have zero place in your healing, yet there they are...

Whispering to you about what a failure you truly are.

Snakes wrapping their way around your mind, asking you all kinds of demonic questions...

Questions designed to inflict self-doubt, designed to zap you of your energy, your strength, your joy, your peace...

All gifts from Him, being stolen in the early hours when normal people are sleeping.

Never before did I actually think to just go to Him during those hours as well.

As if He is sleeping and can't be bothered with my trials and tribulations.

However I don't want to bother Him...

I think to myself sometimes, there are more important people calling on Him at that time as well so I can't be selfish.

I forget He is everywhere, all the time and when I am speaking with Him, you could also be doing the same thing.

I do that when I pray as well, sometimes I forget something and remember it only after I have finished and once I call on Him again, I apologize for bothering Him...

Eventually I will get it through my head that He is there for me, anytime day or night.

So this morning, before the dawn broke, I was selfish...

I took my time with Him...

I sat in pure, utter peace wrapped in His love, in His arms and it was a perfect way to start my day.

That doesn't mean I will walk through my day and nothing can touch me...

It means I started my day the right way so I was equipped by Him to handle anything that comes along.

What You Got Inside Your Soul
Deep Down You Know
The Truth Won't Hide
Don't Believe The Lie

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