"No Temptation Has Seized You Except What Is Common To Man. And God Is Faithful; He Will Not Let You Be Tempted Beyond What You Can Bear. But When You Are Tempted, He Will Also Provide A Way Out So That You Can Stand Up Under It."
1 Corinthians 10:13
Time...It can be a friend or an enemy...
In my case it has been both, depending on which way I look at...
This past week has been weird for me...
I finished the divorce papers and will turn a copy over to husband tomorrow...
I cried almost the whole day while I was filling them out...
The immense pain I felt took me by surprise...
A divorce I never wanted, I never believed in and I never should have had to file for...
I don't live in delusion land...I know that he is just happy as a pig in mud with continuing the way things are right now...
That way he isn't responsible except for maybe throwing a bone to Tigger every few weeks...
By forcing my hand, he won...
He still gets to come out looking like the good guy...
No matter what has transpired, I will be known as the one who gave up...
If only I would have waited a little longer we could have possibly had a chance...
If only I would have had a little more hope, a little more faith...
To bad I didn't so I am the quitter...
Those are the things I am expecting to hear at some point in the future...Those are the things hindering my process...
The "if only" is proving to be my downfall...
See lately, as in the past week or so, I have had a twinge that maybe I am not doing the right thing...
That maybe I haven't given it enough time - Those of you just joining my party, it has been almost 16 months...
That possibly he will wake up soon, if only I give it more time...
So the question is how much is to much?
I turned a blind eye from the get-go...Hoping it was a horrible phase and would end soon...
I was willing to bend over backwards to save my marriage...
I was willing to sacrifice my self-respect, my self-worth and my ego...
I was almost ready to make a deal with Satan himself if it would have just worked out...
I offered things no-one should ever even utter...
All to hold onto something that was already shattered...
It was like trying to build a house of cards in the center of a tornado...
The foundation was broken beyond repair...
The more I tried to fix the cracks, the worse they became...
One can't build a foundation for marriage, it will always take two...
So I learned I couldn't fix something...Something that meant the world to me...
Left alone to my own devices, I had to fix something...
I worked on fixing myself...
I worked on my strength, my faith, my mental health, my emotional health etc...
I started doing it in the hopes of him coming back and choosing me...
Knowing I was a better choice just for the simple fact that my values and morals were miles above hers...
Then somewhere along the line, it changed to fixing me for me and no one else...
Every choice I made, I made with Him in mind and what He would want for me...Except for this one decision...
This one I can't get an answer on...
No matter how much I pray, beg or plead, I don't know if I am doing what He wants me to do...
And that bothers me deeply...
Every choice I have had to make, I have "felt" when it was right...
I knew that the move I was making right then and there was the correct one...
This last move, I am filled with confusion and turmoil...
I haven't been to His house in 4 weeks now...
I have a problem being there when I am filled with so many questions and no answers...
The silence I am getting from Him is heartbreaking because I don't understand what I am supposed to be doing...
I am hoping when I hand the packet over to my husband I will have more clarity then I do right now...
The whole situation is to much for me and I just don't want to feel like I am alone in it...
I don't want to make one of the biggest moves of my life alone.
I need to know that if I feel it is to much, He will take over when I can't go on, however the silence doesn't help.
MIKESCHAIRSometimes It's So Hard To Pray
You Feel So Far Away
I Am Willing To Go Where You Want Me To
God I Trust You
time is the best healer, and i guess in time you'll find the answers your looking for. i'm not going to say i can imagine what you're going through, 'cos i can't. but i guess in a way i can relate to certain things you've said. so just wanted to share with you this quote i came across recenty. "If someone wants to be a part of your life, they’ll make an effort to be in it. So don’t bother reserving a space in your heart for someone who doesn’t make an effort to stay." I wish things will turn out the best possible way for you!! tkcr. hugs.
ReplyDelete