It isn't pleasant but I live with it daily...
24/7/365...
I can't recall if I have always been like this...
My mind is always on constant overdrive until I go to bed at night and even then I need something to sleep for more then 3-4 hours at a time...
Be it good or bad, worry is a fixture in myself that I can live without...
I have spent many recent nights asking Him to please take it...
Take all of it and give me some peace of mind...
So far I can see a little clearing in my mind...
I know that by asking it isn't going to go away all at once however He is showing me that He is indeed standing here and slowly taking a little at a time...
Maybe I am not giving it up fast enough?
This is new to me so I am not sure how to turn it all over because again of the way my mind works...
Example...Let go, Let God is something I have been chanting recently...A normal person may say it then have some relief...This is how I work...I say my saying then the mind goes something like this...What if He didn't hear...What if He did hear but has to many other worries to take over and mine are insignificant...What if I stop worrying since I turned it over and then He ignored it and I need to start worrying again and then add the fact that I am now worrying about why it was ignored...Hopefully you are still following me...
Another Example...I am running late for work...A simple enough thought...We have all been there...Here is the way I go through this...I am going to be late for work...My clients will try to call and I won't answer and they will go elsewhere...The boss (who doesn't even live here) will be mad...I may lose my job...If I lose my job, how will I contribute to the household, how will clothes be bought, or food, or gas for my car, or health insurance, what if we lose our house since I can't pay the rent, will we live under the bridge? In a box? With other family members?? etc...
These are an everyday occurrence with each and every little thought that enters my head...
I can't just have a normal "headache"...My mind will eventually take me to a tumor and before you know it I am planning my own funeral as well as how others will react at my funeral...If my kids will grow up missing me...If they will remember what I look like later on down the road...
If people don't speak to me in a certain way, I feel slighted for some reason and the next thing you know, you hate me and I am crushed beyond belief...
This is an absolutely painful way to go about your day...
By the end of the day I normally have a raging headache, my muscles are in knots and usually a stomach ache as well...I live on Advil and Tums most of the time.
I do find it hard to believe this is going to be normal for me the rest of my life unless I go back on medication...
As I have stated before, I feel like I am living in a movie and you are all bit-players...
My mind is foggy and overworked...
I "feel" to much from other people....
I ofter wonder if it is possible to have to much empathy for others...
I would think not since isn't caring for others what makes us human however that is how I feel sometimes...
I am very mindful of the people I come in contact with...
I think before I speak so I don't hurt any feelings...
I no longer say what is on my mind and then worry about that as well...
I am slowly becoming a shadow of my former self and seem powerless to stop it...
If I am busy, I can control it for the most part...
After the day is done and everyone is in bed is the worst time for me...
I wander around the house in the dark or just sit there and then the door comes crashing open and it is a repeat of the day I have just had and the conversations that took place and the people I have interacted with...
Then the process of tearing myself down begins...What I could have said, should have done, would do different if I could etc...
Since this is my normal process, I don't know how to stop it...
For so very long a shell has protected me however lately I am feeling cracks in that shell and I am not sure if that is a good or bad thing...
Is He helping me to tear down the walls or am I finally descending into my own madness?
Am I going to be ok or am I going to break down?
Will I ever learn to forgive myself for all the mistakes I have made?
Will I ever have a "real" smile on my face and not one that is forced?
Will I ever be able to lay my head down and just go to sleep?
Will the endless thoughts swirling about ever slow down?
Think about this...You know those money machines that people step into and the money starts flying around really fast and you try like hell to catch as much as you can?
Welcome to my life - That is how my mind works.
STAIND
I Know That It Never Goes Away
All I Feel, Everything I'm Not Today
So I Try And I Try To Make Everything Right
I Don't Feel Like I'm Doing It, It Affects Me
First of all, did you ever get that book? I think you need to start with that. Believe me, it's freeing. My post about our money issues isn't even close to the hell my life has been before a couples years ago and that book made it all look and feel different. I still think you might benefit from some of the Mercy series books too.
ReplyDeleteMaybe your walls are starting to come down because God wants you to free because He loves you and doesn't want you to hurt anymore.
I think everyone worries to a certain degree...I know I have the money issue and the headache one. THen my mind just goes! But I do beleive that He is tearing your barrier down. I think it is going to take time and since this is a new process to you, you are going to have reservations about it. Dont worry. He hears you all the time no matter what.
ReplyDeleteI hope you are having a good day:)
Oh dear, oh dear. Overdrive is an understatement with you!! But I completely get it.
ReplyDeleteA book changed my life... but I am hesitant to share the title or author because so many people don't like the author herself... however... if you can look past some things, this book completely restored my faith in God and made me understand so much better. Since then, I've gone from being a overdriven worrier to being so laid back.
A friend gave me this mantra for stressful times:
Dear God, Thank you for all you do. Today I am putting my worries and troubles into your very capable hands. You do not need my help, so I will stand by and let you guide my life.
i have serious anxiety too. thankfully medication has helped me. i know not everyone is helped by medication. even still, i have the sleeping problem. just.can't.sleep.
ReplyDeletei know it doesn't help when people say this but, you are not alone.
and i'm here for you! just so ya know! and keep writing! just keep getting all the shit out of your head.
Hi, Serenity. My name is Gregor and I came by way of Diane's place.
ReplyDeleteI understand what you're experiencing. My life has been replaced by a maelstrom of worry and fear and angst and anxiety and worrying about things that I have no control over and worrying about the things I have control over, but ignore, because I've lost the sense of importance some of those things have. I am on the verge of becoming what I hate and, as scary as that is, I realize it and I'm searching for whatever it is that I've lost. I'm at a stage of life where I should be in the winding down mode, but I'm having a hard time doing that. The kids are grown and are doing great on their own, I have a good job, a wonderful wife (also my best friend), a scary old house to live in, fabulous friends and a cat that snores when she's curled up on my lap, but every thought is edged with dread. It's hard. Writing in my blog is good medicine, as are healthy conversations with myself about things. Take a step back from the usual in your life, if only for a minute. Have a good look at things, dismiss the things that you can't change, work on the things you can change, look for the absurdity in the things that annoy you and laugh. Laugh a lot, it really helps.
I think if you read some of my blog posts you'd think I'm a fine one to be telling anyone how to handle their lives, but I really know what you're mired in. These are trying times. Better days are ahead.
Be well, hang in there!
Gregor
Hi Serenity,
ReplyDeleteI am visiting via Good Mourning, Glory and just finished reading your post. I can relate to your tendency to worry. I am a Christian and I have been since I was a kid. I always knew in my heart that God doesn't want me to worry.
I can remember worrying excessively or over very small things from the time I was in first grade. It wasn't until about 7 years ago that I went to a doctor about it.
I've been on an anti-depressant for obsessive worrying {OCD} for about 6 years or so and it was a godsend. I'm not saying that medication is the answer - everyone is different - but it helped me immeasurably.
I really empathize with you and want you to know, like the commenters that got here before me, that you're not alone.
Hey you,
ReplyDeleteFYI there is a Psalm that says that God cares about "every detail of our lives". So, your worries and fears are not insignificant. At all.
One way you might find some peace is to search out your life. [Duh, I know. I think you're probably already doing that; that's this blog, right????] But, look for things that aren't Godly in your day to day life. Like movies, music, magazines, books. Stuff that promotes evil can bring unrest into our home. Movies, pictures, music, etc about death, premarital sex, violence, etc can really hurt our spirits.
I know, that sounds so extreme. BUT! If you are really wanting peace, it just might be worth a try, right?
God be with you,
ME aka Jellybean