Order Within The Slop

"You Call Out To God For Help And He Helps—He's A Good Father That Way. But Don't Forget, He's Also A Responsible Father, And Won't Let You Get By With Sloppy Living."

1 Peter 1:17 (Message)

I love the Message Bible, however, I do not use it on a daily basis. More likely than naught, you will find me with the English Standard Version, unless I am studying for school - I use the King James Version (which is required) and if I am doing Bible Study, then I use the New International Version.... But for this post, for that passage above... The Message is appropriate.

The thing that stood out to me in this passage of Scripture was the two little words ~ Sloppy Living.

When you think about someone who is sloppy, normally your mind will go directly to their appearance or the state of their house/car/desk etc... You think of clutter, lack of order and (at least in my mind) some form of dirtiness. I do not like slop, period. Not in any form of my life, but most especially where my living quarters are concerned.

Everything has its place and it would be so much easier if I could get Tigger to understand that when he plays with something, just put it back where you found it. Because we share a room and this is also where I work and study, I have got to have some sense of order... No matter how much I fight him about it, I do not have order LOL.

Chaos reigns supreme, where this 9 year old child of mine is concerned. He puts dirty clothes BESIDE the laundry hamper, instead of in it. His shoes sit OUTSIDE the closet, instead of within it. Wet towels are deposited ON the floor, as opposed to hanging them up on a hook. You get the idea? Chaos! I walked in the room the other day to check on something and I had to walk right back out due to the fact that I swear I started shaking in panic.

All the animals that go on top of the bed in a neat and orderly fashion, were strewn about the floor, the nicely made bed, had the covers ripped up from the corners and haphazardly thrown on top of the mattress, pillows were all over the place and there he sat, innocently at the computer, playing a game.

"Dude! What happened in here?" (Yes, I call my son "dude" sometimes lol) I asked... He pauses his game, looks around, and says "What do you mean? I was playing and I cleaned my mess up." That would be the day I contemplated that school should be year round.

I have found that a lot of us are like my 9 year old son, when it comes to the way we decide we should be able to live our lives.

God is the master of organization, not the author of chaos. Where you find chaos, confusion, and lack... You will find the enemy, chillin in your easy chair, drinking your favorite brand of coffee, laughing, as he watches you, trying to bring order to the confusion he has caused.

It never ceases to amaze me the lengths Christians will go to, in order to continue to live their lives, the way they see fit. I hear more justifications than I even have time to list, I witness more sinful behavior than I have ever thought possible, and I am now privy to a host of excuses uttered, that I never thought I would hear. It all leads up to "sloppy living."

Now before I go any further, I will make it known that, contrary to what people say about me, I am not perfect. Don't worry, I will wait while you pick yourself up off the floor from that little knowledge nugget... All good?

I have never once claimed that I am perfect, nor have I ever claimed that I am without sin... My claim is to live a life as free from sin as possible, striving for (but knowing it will never be achieved) perfection.

Here is another nugget for you... I sin daily.

There you go, my secret is out in the open. My mind is a cesspool of sinful thoughts and I have learned that where you find confusion (in my mind), you will find sin. Some days my thoughts are better to control than other days... The key is to continue to strive to keep my thoughts, aligned with His word.

Isaiah 55:8 (ESV) "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord." His thoughts are not my thoughts, His thoughts are not your thoughts... I have the fullest capability of controlling my own thought process... And so do you.

The problem lies when people do not fully understand this. We have free-will, control over the choices we make, the way we respond, and the way we live. Sadly I have found that people do not want to take responsibility for the choices they made, the repercussions that have followed said choices, and the numerous regrets that will inevitably be not far behind.

They choose sloppy living and then want to lay the blame at the foot of another, when that way of living does not pan out the way they thought it would.

As I stated earlier, my mind is a cesspool of horrific, sinful thinking at times. If I close my eyes, I can almost see good vs. evil, sparring in a ring. The question is, which one is going to win?

I would like to say that good wins every time, sadly (here comes another nugget), that is not the case. There are days that I allow my mind to wander into the devil's playground. Heck there are days I run and skip in his playground... However, I am almost immediately convicted by the One whom I trust.

Because I am a baptized believer, I can no longer claim ignorance. I can no longer say "Oh, I did not know that I was not supposed to do ______ (Fill in the blank)." The beauty of that is... God knows this and He still loves us!

He knows that ALL believers are going to sin... Some more so than others. He knows that every single believer from time to time will stumble, that some may take the wrong path, and some may even make a few, very questionable choices.

He knows that while true believers can no longer claim ignorance, some are extremely unprepared (raises hand) for the assault that the world and the enemy has waiting for them.

See, the fact is that as a believer, you are going to commit a sin, however, note this... As a genuine believer; one who has surrendered ALL to Him, you will not be able to live a life of sin. Do you see the difference?

Here is a example:

"Genuine Believer" ~ For arguments sake, let's just say that you come across someone who is wearing something that leaves little to the imagination... Your first thought? Who does she think she is? Why in the world would he leave his house looking like that? Don't people own mirrors anymore? This is judging and it is a sin. Yet during your thought process of tearing the person down, conviction sets in "Hey, who am I to say a word about that person (or something like this)?" You repent to Him for judging, you may ask Him to show you why you felt it was necessary to judge another, and then you go about your day.

"Believer" ~ This person does whatever they want, repenting here and there, yet never turning away from the sin they repented of. They continue to live the life they feel they should live, and dare anyone to question their Christianity.

The difference between a genuine believer and a believer is that the genuine one has truly surrendered their life to the Lord. They know that as they continue to surrender daily, the "world" loses the appeal it used to show. They know that the more surrendering they do, the more they will be able to discern His will in each area of their life. They are striving for having absolutely zero separation between their spiritual life and their everyday life.... The two become one.

Most believers separate the two... Sunday life vs. Monday-Saturday life. By doing this, your spiritual life has very little impact on your "normal" life.

The only way to grow and mature in Christ is to completely surrender to Him and allow Him to have complete control over every aspect of your life.

Every second.

Every day.

I can almost see your thought wheels turning right now... "I don't want to give up complete control" or perhaps, "I am doing just fine on my own, thank you very much."

Surrendering means letting go of the pride, giving up the control, turning over the independence, and giving up all those things in our life, that we have made more important than Jesus Christ.

Surrendering to Him means allowing Him to guide your life, and it also means bearing our crosses for His sake. It means you acknowledge Him in all things (good and bad), it is a realization that everything we have in this life comes from Him. Most of all it means that we can finally comprehend that no matter how hard we try, we cannot make it, without His constant guidance and protection.

Is today the day you surrender your sloppy living?

TENTH AVENUE NORTH
You Say Let It Go, You Say Let It Go
You Say Life Is Waiting For The One's Who Lose Control
You Say You Will Be, Everything I Need
You Said If I Lose My Life It's Then I'll Find My Soul

A Whisper Away

"That Christ May Dwell In Your Hearts By Faith; That Ye, Being Rooted And Grounded In Love, May Be Able To Comprehend With All Saints What Is The Breadth, And Length, And Depth, And Height; And To Know The Love Of Christ, Which Passeth Knowledge, That Ye Might Be Filled With All The Fulness Of God."

Ephesians 3:17-19

Apparently it has been awhile since I have posted. I logged onto Blogger this morning only to find the layout had changed and I could not find anything anymore. With a little digging I was able to locate the previous posts I had started, this being one of them.

It seems I last posted over a month ago when I was heading out to see Michael W. Smith so I will start there. My word that was a magnificent concert! It was held in a Church so the seating was limited and it was just him and his piano. No blindingly bright light shows, no deafeningly loud drums, no fire, no smoke...

Just sweetly simple. He chatted, he prayed, he sang, but most of all he encouraged us to praise. I would still love to see him in a stadium setting, but this was beyond words.

Not long after the concert I started a second form of school, one that is required by my Church. I go 2 Saturdays a month, in a Church about 2 hours from me, therefore I have to get up at 3:30am (yes that says AM, as in MORNING people) in order to look presentable when I arrive. I have learned a lot, as well as questioned a lot.

All of our instructors are Pastors and it is a blessing to have access to so much wisdom and encouragement. To know each one of them has walked this same road is something I did not expect when I started this journey. They know how we feel, they know the fear, the doubt, the worry, and the utter aloneness that each of us is facing and they do everything in their power to ease the transition (so to speak).

I still have not found my "speaking voice" when I am called on to speak aloud. However, I have found tears, in spades and you all know how I feel about crying. Not just sad ones, but happy ones as well. I find Him moving me when I least expect it and I will admit, if I did not have to mess up my "face" nor sniffle, nor struggle to catch my breath, nor have a hard time swallowing, I would find it beautiful.

The boys are doing well. Eeyore is one I do not see very often, however, I am hoping time will mend that. My Pastor as well as their Dad told me to just give it some time, however, I am not known for my patience. Tigger, well he is just a joy, my shadow as he is called. When I am at the house, he is never far behind me. He has his issues that we are dealing with, however, I can see he has come a long way since his Dad left. He no longer drops the "F" bomb every other word so that in itself is a great thing! :)

One month ago yesterday, my divorce became final. I have not processed that as well as I should have, but I am trying. I would think being separated for almost 3 years would have helped, yet the day I received the final papers felt like I had ripped a too small bandage off of a very large wound.

I would like to say I have moved past the bitterness and hatred, yet there are times it creeps back in. Usually when it has to do with my boys or when I am so overwhelmed that I want to crawl in a corner and bawl like baby. When I feel like my shoulders are so weighed down that I can barely hold my head up straight, when my back feels like it is being crushed under the heaviness of expectations from other people, when I can not, no matter how hard I try, find the light at the end of the tunnel. Then it comes in, as if I am just holding the door open for the enemy, welcoming him with a cup of hot coffee and a smile, to please just come in and wreck havoc on my soul.

Trust....

I have covered this topic before and will continue to do so, until at least I can understand it. "You can trust me" is something I hear often, however, that line no longer works for me. I have learned the hard way that when you are walking the ministerial path, there are people who want to be in your circle, only long enough to see you falter. I do not say that out of cynicism, I say that out of experience.

Trust.... I have always believed that it should be given 100% freely, however, difficult circumstances have caused me to rethink that stance. I now think that people should receive a certain level of "general" trust upon meeting. You start by handing out a little bit of trust, just enough, because you have finally realized that it is something that needs to grow and be nourished, then (and only then) can the general trust you placed in another, grow into a deep-rooted trust.

Trust.... Once you have the trust of someone, you should do all you can to protect that trust.

Trust.... There are very few people I trust implicitly, very, very few who have crossed the line from "general" to "deep-rooted" and I believe that God has designed circumstances to be that way for a reason. I know, without a shadow of a doubt who I can and cannot turn to and for now, I am okay with that.

Love....

Matthew 22:37-39 "Jesus said to him, “‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.’This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’

All too often we reverse these two commandments and then usually drop off the "love your neighbor" portion, leaving only yourself and perhaps if there is time, God. He should be first in each and every thing that you do. I do not care if you are a janitor in the local elementary school or the president of the United States, do what you do, to glorify Him.

I have admitted I am not a great speaker, my voice is quiet and becomes even quieter when I am called on, which will inevitably bring forth someone saying "I can't hear you" or "Speak up." I am trying to get past this by continuing to do it, because I love Him. I fear like there is no tomorrow, yet I also know He did not put that spirit of fear within me so I continue to face each fear head on, because I love Him. I worry what others think (more than any one person should ever have to do so), yet I can not allow that to deter where He has placed me.... I obey Him out of love.

Love is not supposed to devastate everything in its wake. Love should protect & it should be loyal. The Bible says that out of Faith, Hope, and Love, the greatest is Love. 1 Corinthians 13:13 (paraphrased)

Love can be explosive (not in a harmful way) and it can also be quiet. It can hit you like a firecracker on the Fourth of July or sneak up on you like a calming breeze on a midsummer day. It is a look that passes between the parties involved, a gentle hug, a tender kiss, a firm hand on your back but one thing it should never do is hurt, either physically or emotionally.

Love is a choice, not just a feeling. It has taken me a very long time to accept that my ex-husband made the choice to leave. In the past 3 years I did everything I possibly could for him to know how much I loved him and I tried as hard as I could to give him the best of me. I was so far from perfect it is almost laughable now, because I most definitely had horrific days and I still have soul crushing moments of being terrified and lonely, but I am doing the best that I can.

I do not necessarily advocate divorce, however, because he made the decision to leave, God released me from my marriage because I was faithful to my husband and to God.

That will not define me, yes, it is a defining moment, however I know now that I am more than that. The moments that define me, make me a better person, as long as I respond in the way He calls me to respond. With love.

Peace....

One of my favorite passages of Scripture is found in Philippians, chapter 4, verse 7 and it reads "and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."

The pure peace you seek will never be found in man. This was another lesson I learned the hard way... Seeking anyone who could restore the balance I had lost, yet never finding. I have said it before and I will say it again, I thank God for my Pastor each and every single night. He placed a man in my path who will go out of his way to steer me in the correct direction. I keep nothing from him, because he is the one I trust the most here on Earth. He has no hidden agenda, he does not want anything from me other than to see me succeed, and he does it in a kind way. He knows my secrets, as well as my fears, doubts, and worries. He can look at my face and know if I am "good" or "hiding" and he also knows that in my time it will come out, so he does not push, instead he waits until I am ready.

From suicidal planning, to a new walk in ministry, he has been right there and I am honored and humbled to call him my friend.

We all need someone in our lives like this, someone who will tell you (whether you want to hear it or not) how it is or how it should be. Do we always see eye to eye? Nope... There are days I feel he is "picking on me" and I do all I can to stay out of his line of vision (for fear of having to do some form of public speaking, like my first Bible study tonight), yet there is a part of me that knows he is just pushing me to the next step. He is the one who comes along once I am nice and comfy, and drags me out of my new comfort zone, kicking and screaming and most likely crying and I am grateful for that. Otherwise I would just stay stuck. God will not allow me to become stuck and He seems to use anyone He can to pull me out of the pit I too often find myself sinking in.

That thought right there.... Brings me a peace that is hard to put into words.

I am not alone. He is right there by my side and He has placed some pretty phenomenal people in my path as well.

I never realized how much I missed writing until I sat down to post these thoughts. I do so much writing now, however it is required, and this is freely me... This allows me to think outloud.

These past 3 years have been a walk through hell, however, I have not walked it alone. God has seen fit to walk with me, carry me when I couldn't take another step forward, and allowed me to rest within His embrace, when I was too tired to go on. He is the One who lays with me as I sleep and rises with me when I wake.... Every second of every single day, He is right there.

Do you realize what kind of love that is? I mean do you truly feel it in the blackest recesses of your soul? Does His light collide with your dark? Do you realize that each day you wake up, He made that day for you? Do you hear Him whisper your name in the darkest of nights as well as the brightest of days?

If you do not know of His love, I beg of you to find it....

Seek Him out, He is but only a whisper away.

BUILDING 429
'Cause All That Makes Me Who I Am To Be
Is Everything In You That I Still Need
It's A Long Road Left For Me To Make It Home
But I Don't Go Alone

Wonder, Worship & Blessings Tour

"Let everything that has breath praise the LORD. Praise the LORD."

Psalm 150:6 

This is who I will be worshipping with tomorrow evening.

Michael W. Smith *Big Smiles* as I type that!

For over 20 years, this has been my favortie Christian artist, yet he never seemed to be close to where I was living so I have not had the chance to see him in person.

Tomorrow I will drive about an hour away and immerse myself in the "Wonder, Worship and Blessings Tour."

A birthday present from my parents and sister.

I could not have asked for anything else nor could they have scoured the Earth for something better.

**Happy Dance in my Seat!!**

I will be back and give you all the details sometime this weekend.

My Spring Break is over Sunday night so it is back to classes on Monday...

Humanities and English Comp, here I come :)

Much love, Many hugs and Massive prayers.

MICHAEL W. SMITH
I Hold You Close To Me, Close To Heart
And This Kind Of Love Will Find You
Anywhere You Are
Never Fear, I Am Here

Always, He Is There.....

"The Lord Your God Is In Your Midst, A Mighty One Who Will Save; He Will Rejoice Over You With Gladness; He Will Quiet You By His Love; He Will Exult Over You With Loud Singing."

Zephaniah 3:17 (ESV) 

I don't know about you, however, there are moments in the day when I wonder if He is there.

Usually it is just a "bad day" in general...

One of those days when you cannot get your hair right, you smudge your make-up as you are putting it on, your car keys have been sucked into an unknown abyss, you burn the toast, the coffee is weak, you finally get out the door ten minutes late, and then hit every red light between your house and your office, etc...

We all have days like this and if you do not, count your blessings right here, right now.

I try to seek ways to stay positive, however, I will admit that there are days when I just want to curl into a ball in the corner and have a good cry.

I want to step away from everything and just be alone for a few moments in time.

I need solitude just to "refresh" so I am at my fullest capacity for all that I know I need to be doing.

I am stretched to my limit on most days with work, school, Church, conferences, meetings, parenting, the "never going to end divorce" and I just recently found out I will be starting additional school, classes that are required by the demonination I am in...

Three additional years, on top of full time seminary.

I feel like I am going to break on any given day, seeking perfection in each thing I need to do and never quite achieving it.

So I run to Him, seeking guidance, strength, wisdom, love, and all the other things only He can fill me with.

Yet, I find silence at times and that fills me with dread...

"Are You there?" I ask the void...

"Am I doing all that You want me to be doing?"

"Am I doing it the right way or am I failing even You?"

I call out to Him, because there is no one else I trust, the way I trust Him.

Is He there though, when I do not call out to Him?

That is the million dollar question.

As I came out of Service today, I walked with my prayer partner to the car...

I had some things I needed to give to her, so we walked along just talking about the upcoming week, the service that had just ended, when we were going to meet up for coffee, etc...

Idle chit-chat between two friends.

Not paying attention to where I was walking, my foot hit the side of a rock and I fell, hard, right on my hands and knees.

It did not take more than 15 seconds, yet, in those few seconds, I knew He was right there.

There I was, in a dress, heels, tights, crouched on the sidewalk, as my Church and the Church across the street was being let out.

Mortified does not even begin to explain how I was feeling at that moment.

She helped me up and over to the car as I surveyed the damage to my knees.

One knee was just sore, the other though, the skin had broken open right underneath my kneecap and it stung like a hornet.

(A tribute to my southern roots right here) I removed my shoes, as well as my tights, as I stood on the side of the car... I saw, as well as tasted blood (seems I bit the inside of my lip in the fall) ICK.

She walked with me as I hobbled barefoot, back into the Church, to get myself cleaned up...

Thankfully there were only a few people hanging around and I did not have to explain in great detail why I was bleeding, as well as barefoot...

Only to one of the men that is always there (he helped clean up my knee and bandage it,) as well as my Pastor ~ Figures they would see what a complete dork I am.

You see, in that fall I fully realized that He is always there, whether I cry out for Him or not.  (You have got to truly grasp the word that is underlined)

He sees me on the ground, He knows I am hurt, and He is right there...

I am His daughter and He is my Father and He does what any parent would do when their child is hurt...He runs to them, regardless of whether they are crying out to Him or not.

I told my Pastor earlier this past week ~ "Even though for the past 3 years I have felt like a part of me had died, I am alive because of Him... I don't need to seek my validation from "man,"  my worth will never be found in "man," "man" cannot heal me, He is the One doing it, no one will ever love me the way He does, and He loves me for who I am, in this exact moment in time."

Even when I am curled up in that corner, bawling my eyes out, He is right there in my midst singing over me, quieting me with His love, rejoicing over me with His gladness...

As much as I love the people He has placed on my path, today I realized He is the only One who can do all this.

Remember, He is always there, He is the One that will always care, He loves you for who you are right now in this very second, and He is the One who will pick you up, dust you off, and set you upright when you stumble and fall.

 ONE SONIC SOCIETY
You Are Here, You Are Here
In Your Presence I'm Made Whole
You Are God, You Are God
Of All Else I'm Letting Go 

"The Healing Has Begun"

"I Will Praise You In The Great Assembly. I Will Praise You There Among The Crowds."

Psalm 35:18

I had to park about a mile away, walk past a cemetary at night, in the freezing cold.

That is when I realized I left my jacket lying on my bed, since I was about 45 minutes from home, I did not have a chance to run back and get it.

I searched for my row (12) and then my seat (6).

I sat in the Civic Center last night waiting....

Waiting for the opening notes for the concert to begin, and as I sat there I looked around at all the people, wondering (as I am now prone to do) if this would be an "event" or if it would just be like a "regular" concert, how many were truly saved and how many were just simply living....

This was a birthday present...

A single ticket to my first ever Christian concert ~ Royal Tailor, Matthew West and Casting Crowns...

I have been looking forward to this for over a month.

I was more excited about Matthew West and Casting Crowns, however, I will give Royal Tailor some major applause for their excitment and energy.

As Royal Tailor left the stage and they were setting up for Matthew West, you could feel a shift in the arena...

Calm.

Center stage was directly in my line of sight and I could "technically" not have to get out of my seat and still see everything, however, that wasn't going to happen.

I am a huge fan of Matthew West and just about anything he sings (hence the title of this post ~ Click that link... The song is beautiful!).

To see him walk onstage though was different than just listening, and once he started singing, well I was out of my seat.

It was almost surreal.

I have been to many concerts and as you all know traveling to Atlanta to see Creed on my own was one of the best weekends EVER, yet this was different.

I was on Twitter in between his songs just to keep a few people updated (AND I woke up this am to a tweet from Matthew West, just saying "thank you"... Yep I was a bit giddy!) (Yes I actually just used the word giddy! *eye roll*)

He did wonderful....

Simply amazing.

Few minutes of break and then it is time for Casting Crowns.

They walked onto the stage singing "Courageous," I loved that movie and I love the song as well.

After the song ended, Mark Hall prayed....

Wow.

I say that because I am still not used to people praying anywhere other than Church, yet, a few of my professors do it after a presentation, I also notice people doing it in restaurants... Anyway...

I have witnessed people worshiping, but there are NO words to witness thousands of people worshiping at the same time.

Hands raised, tears, smiles, jumping for joy....

I felt so "full" when I walked out of there last night.

Just complete peace.

There have been so many things going on that I know it has been awhile since I have been on here.

Here is a rundown:

I am still married ~ Don't ask because I don't have the answers either.

I have received my license to preach ~ That is a whole post I need to write.
Both boys are doing well ~ Can't ask for anything else.

My mom walked into my room today and laid a single concert ticket on my bed ~ Michael W. Smith.... 20 years I have loved his music and now I have the chance to see him!!! (I am giddy.... Oh so giddy!!!!!) (Yes I said it again)

My healing has (finally) begun.

MATTHEW WEST
There’s A World Full Of People Dying From Broken Hearts
Holding On To Their Guilt, Thinking They Fell Too Far
So Don’t Be Afraid To Show ‘Em Your Beautiful Scars
Cause They’re The Proof, Yeah You’re The Proof