Tears In The Rain

"And God Shall Wipe Away All Tears From Their Eyes; And There Shall Be No More Death, Neither Sorrow, Nor Crying, Neither Shall There Be Any More Pain: For The Former Things Are Passed Away."

Revelation 21:4 

I have begun to long for the day when there is no more pain & no more tears.

I wait for the day when I can look upon His face, when I can feel complete healing and never feel anything hurtful again.

Yesterday was one of the longest days I have had in quite some time.

It started with a memorial service and two hours later a funeral.

Two separate people, one young, one older and I ushered both of them.

Both members of my Church, though I had only met one of them, I do however know the mother of the one I had never met, she is the president of the usher board.

It was soul crushing to see a woman I consider a friend, in so much pain, wrapped in her grief, I don't know if she even knew what was going on.

However I couldn't express my grief, none of the ushers could, we had a duty to do and we were determined to make sure everything went off as smoothly as possible.

And it did, as far as I could tell, she was cremated and the ceremony was beautiful.

Because both the memorial and the funeral were held on the same day, we had to "borrow" a Sanctuary from a Church down the street, that way the other one could be set up while the first one was being attended to.

Once the memorial service was done, the ushers had to rush over to the next Church, beating all the people who would be in attendance.

 Because this wasn't our Church, we aren't used to the way this one is set up, more pews, though they held less people, one extra aisle, doors all over the place that had to be covered.

As we met in the back to figure out who would be where, I glanced to the front of the Church...

Open casket (closed before the service started).

Now I knew there would be a viewing, however I assumed it would be held in a different room, I was wrong.

I could feel the air being sucked right out of the room.

Four ushers headed up front, with the agreement we would switch out every 15 minutes.

When my turn came, I did all I could to avoid looking at the casket, knowing it was closed didn't matter, I had already seen inside of it.

The flowers were overwhelming fragrant and the sadness was palpable.

My throat was so tight, I couldn't swallow, eyes darting around the room, anywhere but there.

This funeral was also beautiful, the threat of rain held off until we hit the cemetary and then it was a light drizzle.

After 5 hours of holding back emotions, I quite expected to head home and just break down, the threat was there, but nothing would come.

I knew I had to find a way to release what I was feeling, yet I couldn't cry, couldn't sleep either, so after 4 hours of unrestful sleep, I finally just got up and proceeded to get ready for Church.

I could feel the tears there, but they wouldn't fall....

They blurred my vision and burned my eyes during almost the entire service, still none fell.

I was crabby and overtired and so emotional, but I couldn't figure out how to release what I was feeling.

I did some work around the house, hung out with Tigger and practiced my message.

After I got him to bed, I heard from Eyeore....

After being blocked for over 4 months from texting or talking to him, his Dad finally unblocked my number...

We were chatting for a few and somehow she came up and he used a nickname for her, then the tears started...

It hit me wrong and I was finally able to release all the pent up emotions from the past 2 days.

Do I want her to be nice to my kids?

Of course.

Do I want them to like her?

Honestly, there is a part of me that says, no I do not, and I know that is a horrible thing to say...

And that is why, if you drove by my house tonight, you would have seen me crying in the rain.

Because I can't stifle that small part of myself and it angers me...

That worldly part I am so desperately trying to get rid of.

The part that still feels anger, still wants revenge, still misses what used to be, still misses what could have been etc...

97% of the time I can quiet it...

Tonight, just wasn't one of those times.

MERCY ME
And I Know There'll Be Days
When This Life Brings Me Pain
But If That's What It Takes To Praise You
Jesus, Bring The Rain

The Green Chair

"The Way Of A Fool Is Right In His Own Eyes: But He That Hearkeneth Unto Counsel Is Wise."

Proverbs 12:15

In my room is a green chair, it is my sisters' chair, one she received from a friend.

Ugly as all get out, (unlike that cool hand chair, I want one of those!) but more comfy than almost anything I have ever sat in.

It is here I read, here I pray, here I sit in silence.

Seeking answers, seeking His voice, His direction, His guidance.

This past week has been a week filled with revelations, it is Thursday and I feel I am already suffering from information overload.



Different areas within my heart have been shown to me, areas that need working on, which is something I prayed for, however I was thinking it would be a couple of tiny things that I could fix overnight.

Once again, I underestimated my all Powerful Father.

"Show me what hinders my walk."

"Show me where I am failing."

"Show me what needs work."

All things I have brought to Him, and He obliges with the prayer of my heart.

I have seriously got to learn to shut up. :)

I am kidding, however if you ask, be prepared to have an answer you didn't expect.

I have been focused on the message I am preparing, in my way of thinking, everything has got to be perfect, the timing, the words, the flow etc...

I wrote and I edited and I wrote some more and edited some more and the only guidance I had, was what I felt my heart was telling me.

I longed to give it to my Pastor, to get his insight, his wisdom, his direction, his counsel since you know, he has been doing this a whole lot longer than I, however pride wouldn't allow it.

I wanted to surprise him more than I wanted his help.

Foolishly sad statement right there.

I saw my Pastor on Tuesday, I had a meeting to attend and I also needed some information from him for the service this Sunday.

I barely had 5 minutes with him until I had to run off to my meeting.

Once I got home, spent some time with Little Man, got him to bed and asleep, I sat in the green chair, tired, overwhelmed, fearful, doubting, to the point I felt the panic start to creep in.

The questions began running through my head and the number one question was, "What in the world do you think you are doing?"

The enemy had decided to join me in the green chair.

So there I sat, in the dark, with self-doubt flooding every area of my being, and a face came into mind, my Pastor, I knew then I had to seek his guidance.

I walked over to the computer, put an email together along with my message, swallowing my pride, I hit the send button, thinking I would have peace perhaps?

There was none.

As a matter of fact there was even more questions...

Would he laugh?

What if he hated it and told me that this wasn't for me, that I misheard God, that I am not cut out to be a Pastor?

After sending the email, I went over and over and over the message I had prepared until it was swimming before my eyes, every word, every comma, every period.

Each and every single Scripture I chose to go along with the main one I am using, the points I wanted to make, should I change this word or that word?

Does it flow, as the story I am trying to tell?

Is it choppy?

My mind went into overdrive.

(Not that my calling hinges on what he says, however I still have that small part of me that seeks approval from those around me.)

It would be a long night in the green chair, and I was prepared for the attack within my mind, knowing the enemy was close and looking to derail my way.

The email response came about 24 hours later, I saw it on my phone, however I was terrified of opening it.

All the questions came flooding back into my mind...

I opened the email...

7 words, besides my name and his and I quote...

"This is very good. I approve greatly!!!!!!"

Yes, I had tears.

Now if I can just get through the delivering of the message. :)

NATALIE GRANT
Back At My Heart
Back At My Fear
Back At My Brokenness
Lord Meet Me Here
I Am Exposed
And I'm Not Afraid Anymore

Forever Faithful

"As The Father Hath Loved Me, So Have I Loved You: Continue Ye In My Love."

John 15:9

I read the book of Matthew two days ago, I started with a verse someone sent me, finished the book, then went back to the beginning, to read what I skipped, when I sought out the verse.

I have been weepy every since.

I get like that when I find particular verses or when something just stands out on the page as if it was written for me.

The more I get into His word, the more questions I have, the more questions I have, the more I seek to get answers to them.

My mind is literal, that is how I have always seen things and I am learning that isn't always the case.

The parables (not all of them, just a few) seem to stump me every time.

I have been trying to wrap my mind around the depth of His love and it has left me feeling "off."

Not off in a bad way, almost like a dream when you wake suddenly and you haven't quite shaken off the dream, yet can't quite seem to grasp what you were dreaming about, though you feel it, fluttering on the very edges of your consciousness and you think if you could just have a quiet moment, you would be able to reach out and grab it, yet that moment never comes.

That is how I have been feeling the past couple of days.

I used to think that, while I knew God loved me, He loved so and so (no person in particular) more because they read their Bible more often than me, they didn't curse, they had a "cleaner" past then I did, they weren't tattooed and pierced, they were always kind and always had a smile plastered on their face, no matter how bad things were in their life.

I just thought I was on the lower end of the totem pole, so to speak.

This past week I learned that He doesn't love anyone, on the face of this planet more than He loves me, nor you.

He favors no one over the other.

My way of thinking (ie: I am not that special, important, worthy etc...) is a sin.

What I was doing, was basically calling God a liar, stating that His perfect love, was in fact imperfect...

It isn't humble to think this way, it is challenging His word, His love and how He sees you.

We commit the sin of wrong thinking so often, that we become as hard as stone and this is an area where we need to be seeking to be a little more sensitive.

The enemy loves to see you doubting your worth in the kingdom of God and he will do whatever he can to get you to take your eyes off of your Father.

The dependence I have on Him, has got to be absolute, period.

There is zero room for doubt, worry, fear, hardness of heart, bitterness, anger etc...

Each day I learn something new, could be small, could be big, the point is that whatever walls I have erected, He is slowly drawing them down, releasing me from my self-imposed prison.

I cry more now than I ever have before, (still not a fan) however I accept that the tears need to be shed and I know that I am crying on Someone who I can trust, with 100% certainty.

I "feel" more than I ever did before and that is taking some getting used to.

I never had a problem with empathy before, however now it seems magnified by about a million and things that never used to "move" me, now can bring forth tears at the drop of a hat (Scripture being one of them).

I can only attribute it to the Holy Spirit, moving me to see things through His eyes, the way He sees them.

I have spent a lifetime seeking the approval of others and by making myself dependent upon other people, I then found myself extremely vulnerable.

I spent a lifetime expecting others to do something, that was my own responsibility.

By seeking approval from others, I was unable to see the Divine approval I already had, standing right in front of me.

For so long, I lost my way, I closed doors, I burned bridges, I did everything I could to keep Him at arms length, only giving a thanks at night before I went to sleep and that was half-hearted at best.

He didn't give up on me, ever.

He never stopped loving me, pursuing me nor wanting me.

He gave me breath each morning when I rose, He painted magnificent colors into the sky for me, He planted flowers to grow wherever my feet walked, He placed glorious scents in the wind, just for me to enjoy, He walked, beside me, each and every single day and for so long I took it for granted, only stopping to actually open my eyes, after everything was stripped from me and for that, now, I give thanks.

Thankful He never turned His back on me, He welcomed me home, with open arms, the very millisecond I called His name.

Thankful for His love, a love I couldn't even begin to describe, no matter how many times I tried.

Thankful in the knowledge that even when the "bad thoughts" start seeping in, I can now recognize them as weapons of the enemy.

Thankful for every sunrise and sunset I witness, for the scents on the wind, for the flowers that grow, for the breath He breathes into me each morning & for the Mercy and Grace that are showered down, upon my rising.

Thankful that I have Company wherever I go.

Thankful that He will never hurt me and never abuse my trust.

Thankful for the sacrifice He made for me.

Thankful for His beautiful Son.

Thankful He put within me, His Holy Spirit.

Thankful that no matter how I got here, I finally got here.

Thankful that He is, forever faithful.

CHRIS TOMLIN
I Lift My Hands To Believe Again
You Are My Refuge, You Are My Strength
As I Pour Out My Heart
These Things, I Remember
You Are Faithful, God, Forever

Don't See Me...See Him

"Trust In The LORD With All Your Heart And Lean Not On Your Own Understanding; In All Your Ways Submit To Him, And He Will Make Your Paths Straight."

Proverbs 3:5-6

The message I am going to deliver at the end of this month is done.

Now I just have to edit...

13 pages have been written, the storyline that has to do with the Scriptures I will be delivering the Sermon on and also thoughts that came to me throughout the day, things from my heart I knew were coming directly from Him, words spoken as a whisper, gently blowing across my soul.

I don't have a time-limit per se, however I also don't want to lose the congregation if I stand up there to long.

I hate even saying that...

Who are we to put a time limit on Him?

On His word?

I am confident in my ability to write, only because I have been praying that what comes out of my mouth, is what He wants me to take to His people.

My confidence is slowly gaining when I have to speak in public...

I take any chance I am offered to speak out loud during the programs on Sunday, just so I can build up the confidence and know without a shadow of a doubt that once I am standing there, a panic attack won't set in.

I haven't had one in awhile, however there are days that I allow a tremendous amount of stress to build up and I can feel one lurking, just below the surface...

Like the enemy, crouched down, just waiting for a sliver of an opening, so he can shimmy through and shower chaos upon your life.

The last thing I want, is to stand at the pulpit and feel that cold hand of fear glide across my chest nor the choking feeling of your throat closing in, if I do and I can't tamp it down in time, there is no telling what would happen...

So I have to trust in Him that He is opening the way, so I can get some practice in before that day is upon me.

I thought that as the day came closer, the more nervous I would become, however it is (knock on wood) the complete opposite of that.

As the day draws nearer, the more calm I become.

I debated using a portion of my testimony versus speaking in broader terms and decided on using the past 2 years as a stepping stone.

The entire outline of my sermon is based on forgiveness, on loving people, no matter how they treat you and He has given me more than enough practice in the past 28 months.

In my writing, I came to a conclusion that I didn't have before, that all of this has been a gift, allowed by Him, to get me to where I am today.

Do I think there could have been a less painful way of getting my attention?

Of course I do, however I am not the God of the universe so I can't see what is just around the corner, I can't see where something in life is going to take me, I can't see where sheer pain will guide me into being more compassionate, a kinder, loving, more forgiving person and I can't see where my feelings of unworthiness will be restored and used to glorify His kingdom.

He can.
 

I have to trust that He knows what He is doing, where I am concerned.

I have spent years doing it on my own and look where that has gotten me. :)

Now that I have learned to step back and allow Him to be in control, I am truly amazed each and every day.

Is everything going the way I would like it to?

Absolutely not, however it is going according to His plan, His will, for my life.

There are still areas of uncertainty that I see, yet I also know He is able to see what is around the corner, He may offer glimpses to me, however He can see the whole picture.

The paths I have taken throughout my life haven't always been straight and narrow.

Some twist and turn and curve.

Some are bumpy, filled with ditches and potholes.

Yet, I am no longer ashamed of any of the choices I have made.

Each choice was leading me to this time.

The path He has me on now is a straight shot towards Him.

Never did I think that adultery and abandonment would be considered one of the greatest gifts I have ever been given.

Never did I think I was worthy of His Mercy and Grace.

Never did I feel His love, the way I do now.

It is so pure and so beautiful and so very all consuming and I strive each and every day to make sure anyone that comes in contact with me sees it.

I don't want people to see me, I want them to see His light shining through me.

I want to live my life, enjoy the blessings He has bestowed upon me and continue to shine for Him.

"You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven." Matthew 5:14-16

CHRISTY NOCKELS
For In The Fullness Of Who You Are
I Can Rest In This Place
And Giving Over This My Journey Lord
I See Nothing But Your Face

Shhhhhh....

"The LORD Will Fight For You; You Need Only To Be Still"

Exodus 14:14 (NIV)

I wake up in the morning, calm, ready to face another day.

Covered by His mercy and grace, I know in my heart that He is beside me, ready to take on, whatever I turn over.

He won't take, what I won't give.

He gave us free will for a reason.

Free will is defined as; "Given readily; voluntary."

I give all I have to Him, trusting that He will do a much better job with it, than I can ever think of doing.

All I have to do is be still...

Shhhhh I tell myself...

Most days are as calm as the waters...

Then there are days I can see the clouds start to form, almost the moment I open my eyes.

It takes effort to get up and start moving when you can feel that there is a black cloud on the horizon.

As if keeping your feet from hitting the floor will stop time and hold whatever may come, at bay.

Be still...

Shhhhh...

One simple stone thrown, and the calm waters begin to ripple outward.

Small at first, then a little bigger and again a little bit bigger...

If I don't give it over to Him, the waves will come, crashing down around me.

I want so badly to have complete control in every area of my life, yet, I humbly surrender it back to Him.

Be still...

Shhhhh...

In the times I don't surrender to Him, I walk around, feeling as if I am drowning on dry-land.

I am human and I am flawed and yes there are days I think I can do a better job than Him.

I think can do it quicker, because I lack patience at times...

Those are the days the enemy waits for, sitting in the corner, ready to pounce, the moment I remove the armor of Him.

And pounce he does, right on my back...

Until I run back to Him, the waters are rough, closing in over my head, suffocating me.

Be still...

Shhhhh...

I wish I could learn this lesson a little bit quicker then I have...

I think to myself, I would be better off if I could just remember to back off and allow Him to fight for me.

It may not be the outcome I was expecting, however I can look back and see each time He did, His outcome was much better than the one I was hoping for/counting on/wishing upon a star for etc...

He only wants the very best for me, so why would I ever be content with anything less?

Why would I want to settle?

A question I have been asking myself recently.

Be still...

Shhhhh...

MICHAEL W. SMITH
Control, I Give Up Control
I Can't Carry This Alone
I've Tried, For So Long I've Tried
To Make It On My Own
Now Dreams Are Scattered On The Ground
And Now I'm On My Knees