Hebrews 11:1

"Now Faith Is Being Sure Of What We Hope For And Certain Of What We Do Not See."

I get asked a lot "How can you be so strong"? I want to reply I am not any stronger then the next person...

I have really bad days and I have really good days and some days that are just in-between...

The difference you may see is I have Faith regardless of the circumstances surrounding me...


The definition of Faith is as follows -

Belief and trust in and loyalty to God; Firm belief in something for which there is no proof; Complete trust...


I have complete and absolute Faith in Him that my marriage will be restored...

I have no proof of this and quite frankly if I went by the way my husband talks, we are going to be divorced any day now however I know His promises for me...

I know that if you ask and believe, it shall be yours...

I used to pray for Him to please send my husband home before any additional damage was done...

Now I just pray for His will in my marriage and in my life.




Some of you may be reading this and thinking - "This chick is a whack-job" or maybe thinking I am "Setting myself up for failure"...

No worries if you are because I hear it at least once a day in my "real life" and I won't hold it against you...

As I stated to someone close to me yesterday when this conversation came up once again for the 37th billion time...

I was told that I needed to move on and divorce him, to which I replied -

That is your opinion, the fact is it isn't going to happen...

Your delusional I was told, no I stated, I believe.

I believe in the promise of the Word...

I believe in Him and all He represents...

I have complete and utter trust that whatever is going on where I can't see, it is for the bettering of me and my life.

You can't pick and choose what you believe in, what you have Faith in...

If you have Faith in Him, you don't need anything else.



CHASEN
I Tried My Way
It Always Ends Up Being A Mistake
But You're Right When You Say
That You Set The Time For The Plans You Make
I Never Thought That I Could Ever Learn To Let It Go
Somehow It's Better When I Follow In The Paths You Show
So I'm Here I'm Waiting Cause I Believe

Psalm 91:11

"For He will command His angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways."

I have learned angels come in many forms...

I used to think they only lived in Heaven and were equipped with wings and halos...

Now I know this isn't true...

My post yesterday drew people out of the woodwork...

Here, via email as well as on FB...

Angels sent to encircle me...


People who I know in real life as well as people I have met online...

People walking the same walk as me as well as people in happy marriages wishing me luck on my path...

People I have never spoken to before logged in to send me an encouraging email/comment...

Not a single anonymous email was had...

Not a single ugly word was uttered...

I have had prayers sent out and above for my family and I...


What started as a journey into uncharted territory became a journey into my own self discovery...

What started as a walk into infidelity, lies, secrets, heartbreak and pain has turned into a journey of forgiveness, inner peace, self awareness and unconditional love.

God knows His plans for me and right now I am not privy to that information however He is teaching me valuable lessons.

I falter and I stumble along the way and no matter what He picks me right back up again...

I realize that this is a learning process for each of us...

No matter what is going on our lives, we all could take the time to look for the lesson in each circumstance that presents itself to us...

I sometimes wonder where I would be if I would have run out and filed for divorce right off the bat...

Where would I be right now at this point in my life?

Better off?

Maybe however I would have missed some very valuable lessons...

My Faith wouldn't be where it is right now because at my very lowest point, He was the last one I sought to help me and the only one who accepted the challenge...

Once I sought His help, then and only then did things start to fall into place...

Was my marriage restored at that point?

Of course not otherwise we wouldn't be having this conversation...

However He did help me...

He placed His angels in my path to light my way.

If you are reading this, then count yourself one of them.

FEE
When I See
The Darkness All Around Me
When I See
The Tragedy Has Found Me
I Still Believe

My Choice

Due to me linking my blog elsewhere, I had been receiving some anonymous emails that I will address here...




Yes it is a fact that my husband of 20 years has and still is cheating on me...

Yes he moved out while I was at work one day leaving behind no explanation...

Yes we have 2 sons that have also fallen victim to his craziness...

Yes I choose to stand in the gap of my marriage and place it all in His hands.



I understand that my choice isn't one most people would take however I have met plenty of people who have actually taken the same stand I have.

People who are wearing the same shoes as I...

This journey isn't for everyone and yes it would be easier if I ran down to the courthouse and just filed for divorce...

Do I consider it? Absolutely and had you read my blog you would have known that - I don't know anyone in my position who hasn't considered it...

However at the end of the day I am the only person who has to live with the choices I make...

Not you...

I understand you "wouldn't ever put up with anything like this"...

I understand you "would kick your spouse to the curb"...

I understand you "would take them for all they are worth"...

What I don't understand is why you are trying to tell me how to live my life?




This is my journey and until you are wearing my shoes, who are you to actually tell me I am doing it wrong?

Choosing to not divorce my husband just because he cheated on me doesn't make me weak - It makes me stronger then most because I am willing to fight for what I believe in and not give in to what I don't believe in...

The ride isn't a fun one and there are plenty of times during the course of a day that I want off...

I want to be able to wave my magic wand and fix everything...

Make everything go back the way I thought it was however I can't...

The only thing I can do is to continue to move forward...

I took everything to the Altar and left it there and you trying to make me second guess myself still isn't going to make me pick it back up again...

I have the utmost Faith in God that He will take care of all of this - His way.

It took me months to learn how to leave it at the Altar and not pick it back up again and then several more months before I learned how to pray for His will and not mine.

It isn't easy and the decision I made wasn't taken lightly because I to was a person who always used to say that cheating was a deal breaker.

However it is my decision to make...

My journey to walk...

My storm to ride out and if you don't agree with me that is your decision...

Just don't try to use your anonymity to get me to change to your point of view.

MIKESCHAIR

I Will Swim In The Deep
Cuz You'll Be Next To Me
You're In The Eye Of The Storm

And The Calm Of The Sea

Your Never Out Of Reach

A Day...

You guys know I love my kids...

Both of them have their own way of bringing out the best within me...

Eeyore is my sensitive teenager...He reminds me more of myself as the years pass.

Tigger - God bless him...I am convinced he was put here just to teach me patience.


Because I only have Tigger at the moment, I thought (why I don't know) it would be just a little easier...

IT ISN'T!

That child whom I carried for 9 months, gave birth to and ruptured an artery for doesn't like me...

I am convinced of it...

Let me take you through a typical morning/evening routine and I will say right now Thank God for school!

I usually get up about 5am so I can do my own thing before Tigger gets up...

Because a friend of mine has shown me how to finally get more productive sleep, I haven't been getting out of bed before 7am...

So do the math - I am running 2 hours behind each and everyday...

I need those 2 hours to function however I need my sleep more before my mind cracks beyond repair.

So because I am running behind, mornings are a bit frantic...

We leave at 8:20 every morning and we have been for the past 2 years - This isn't something new (I have to make sure you understand that before I continue).

Tig is up by about 7:15am ready to start the day - Right then and there...

He is the type of child who has to eat the minute his feet hit the floor...

Being the semi good Mom that I am, I make him eat oatmeal every morning because it is healthy and he doesn't like cereal or eggs...Some days he will eat a fruit bar (or 3 as he did this am) or some yogurt...

When breakfast is over, he has to get dressed, shoes, hair and teeth...

In the meantime I am making beds, lunch, my hair, make-up, getting dressed etc...

So he eats - The second he is done, BAM - He turns into one of those creatures you shouldn't feed after midnight.

Every single thing he has to do in the morning IS. A. FIGHT.

He no longer knows how to dress himself...He can't brush his teeth...He can't put his dirty clothes in the laundry hamper...He can't (with help) make the bed...He can't pack his backpack...He can't even carry the backpack 30 feet to the car.

He wants to watch TV or play on the computer or climb on the counters or run around outside in his underwear or scream at the top of his lungs for no apparent reason other then the fact that he is bonkers.

By about 7:45 I am almost a raging maniac & he is one step away from being certifiably insane...

I get up every morning with the same intention - Today will be a better day and by the time I leave the house, I am frazzled and if I was a drinker, I would be hitting the nearest bar.

In the car - No it isn't better because either Tig or the Monster Princess (my niece) has to ask the driver (usually me) no less then 67,000 times how fast we are going - M.P. is a stickler for doing the speed limit - I am not ever. Neither one of them knows what an inside voice is - They seem to SCREAM everything at people...

They both need a serious volume control adjustment.

For the most part this behavior isn't carried over to school - He reserves it for when I am around - Until yesterday when he got a "red"! (His class follows the "stoplight system" - Green, not a psycho - Yellow, crossing into craziness - Red, full on lost your damn mind to even think of acting like this in public).

What was the "red" for?

He kicked his shoe across the lunchroom hoping to knock a corn dog out of his friends' hand.

Bedtime is 8pm...

I get off work about 6pm and get home about 6:30 (Thursdays I am home by 5pm)...

When I get home 98% of the time he has been fed, showers are done and homework is done...The other 2% of the time, I do these things...Showers and homework - Invented by Satan himself...And if I have to do both of these things in the same night ever again, just hand the blade over right now.

Last night it was one page of homework - He had to rewrite 4 sentences correctly - It took us 45 MINUTES just to sit down and start...

He needed a drink, then he broke the lead on the pencil 4 times, then of course his bladder kicked in, then the dog had to be let out as well as let back in, his pants weren't comfy, his feet were cold...

I reached the point where I was in the garage looking for duct tape in order to keep him seated and then Finally the stars aligned, the planets are in harmony with one another and we can begin...

I explain to him what needs to be done, make sure he fully understands and walk into the kitchen in search of something to calm my nerves...

He starts writing...Now mind you, the space given to write in isn't that big...The first 2 words of the sentence were written so big it took up the whole space and he then turns his paper sideways and proceeds to finish the sentence...

You have got to be kidding me - When was he ever told in his life this was acceptable?

So what happens - I have to erase all of it so he can start over which leads to a meltdown of EPIC proportions...

He throws the pencil and shakes his little fist to the sky raging at Zeus himself about how UNFAIR his life is because he has to redo the sentence he should have done correctly to begin with.

It took us almost 2 hours from start to finish what should have taken maybe 15 minutes max...

There has got to be a smoother way to get through the mornings and evenings. Once it is time to go to sleep, he is a bargaining machine...

Always trying to get 5 more minutes...

In bed at 8 means he is maybe on a good night asleep by 9...

I never remember Eeyore being this willfull...

Why in the world does this child of mine have to argue at the drop of a hat? He still curses like a sailor, he is destructive, he is mean and hateful at times...

At other times he is sweet and loving and kind...

How can I keep that portion of him and drive the other portion away?

I am open to any suggestions right now...

He is seeing a child psychologist, he has a mentor who comes to his school every Friday, I try to spend every waking moment that I can with him and nothing seems to be working...

Last night before bed, he was semi-calm and stood up in the bed to hug me (or so I thought because I should know better by now), he crouched down, let out a weird noise, lifted his leg and proceeded to plant a "sweet chin music" right into my jaw...

He is damn lucky I didn't "tombstone" him right into slumber.

As a side note - After last night he is no longer allowed to ever watch wrestling again!

CHRISTINA AGUILERA
I See Every Lesson So Clearly

I Thank God For What I Got From Above

I Believe They Can Take Anything From Me

But They Can't Succeed From Taking My Inner Peace

2010 - Long Post

A new day, a new year, a new decade and a new beginning.

I for one am happy to let 2009 go...

It holds to many bad memories for me though where there is bad there is also good.

I have met so many new people through my blog as well a couple of various other places online.

I have a Church to call home and a Pastor I absolutely adore.

I finally found my walk however still looking for my purpose...

I have grown in Faith...

I have hope for a brighter future.

I lost a lot in 2009, not just material things, I lost my way and I lost myself.

My husband threw away a 20 year marriage for another woman.

Not only was another woman thrown into the mix, he also became cruel and
heartless in the space of 11 months.

As of this past Friday (yes New Year's Day) he has decided to cut off all financial
support for me and the boys.

I stood by and took whatever he threw at me.

As I continued to stand taller, he continued to sink lower.

He re-wrote our whole marriage to suit his new life.

He stopped being there for our boys emotionally, mentally, physically
and now financially.

He demonized me, lied about me and dragged me through the mud on his
journey to a life he felt entitled to have at the expense of anyone standing in his path.

He hurt me more then words can ever describe.

He betrayed me in a way I would never have expected.

The pain and agony I have lived with in the last 11 months is something I
would never wish on my worst enemy.

Because of his actions, I was thrown into the ultimate tailspin...

I couldn't find my way out of the valley.

I contemplated suicide on more then one occasion.

I self-injured more times then I care to count.

I cried, raged, fell to my knees time and time again only to get right back up,
I blogged and wrote until my fingers hurt, I moaned, whined, screamed,
spiraled into an emotional black hole, I prayed, bargained, begged all to no avail.

I still have a lot of fight left in me however I am redirecting it -

For myself - For my boys.

I have learned I am a better person because of this trial.

The trials, troubles and tribulations of the past year have given me strength I never
knew I could possess, patience I never knew I wanted and clarity to do the right thing.

There is still a teeny piece of me who is in disbelief about all that has transpired
however eventually that piece will have the same strength the rest of me has.

The day he cut us off financially was the day I reached my breaking point.

Today I removed my wedding rings.

Today I removed the suffocating guilt I wear around my neck.

Today I asked for a little more strength for the coming days.

I had to re-evaluate my beliefs -

I still believe in the sanctity of marriage, I believe in hope, I believe in love,
I believe in having honor in all you do, value for yourself above all others,
and morals you can live with each & everyday.

Everyone should have beliefs, common decency, ethics, morals, goodness,
honor, integrity, honesty, principals, standards & values.

I never compromised my integrity, my principals or myself.

My love for my husband never wavered until the day he took from my boys.

That line in the sand can't be erased - Those true colors can't be taken back.

He would prefer we starve and live on the streets then to take care of what we built
so very long ago.

He compromised himself and his common decency and I will no longer be dragged
down with him.

So I put my pride aside and I will be filing for a divorce - Even though it goes
against my beliefs, I have to believe in myself a little bit more.

I deserve to be treated with respect and kindness not hate and bitterness.

I will continue to forgive because that is a gift I give myself.

I will continue to walk forward because my present and my future are
a million times better then my past - Something my husband could never wrap
his mind around.

My blessings are out there somewhere and I am on a journey to find them.

Today I no longer settle for silver - I am looking for gold - (Thank you Gracie).

Will it be easy?

I doubt it however life was never promised to be easy.

Will there be tears along the way?

No doubt about it - however tears are a way to cleanse the soul.

Will I falter along the way?

Absolutely - However I have Him to pick me up and set me on the right path along the way.

I will never be alone again.

I will never again be a doormat for anyone on the face of this earth.

I will never again walk on eggshells for anyone at anytime.

I will never allow a man to take so much from me again.

I will learn that I am worthy - And anyone who comes around is lucky to know me.

I will learn to nurture my self-respect and self-esteem and never allow someone else
to do it for me.

That is my new beginning - My wish for 2010.

CASTING CROWNS
I Was Sure By Now
That You Would Have Reached Down
And Wiped Our Tears Away, Stepped In
And Saved The Day
But Once Again, I Say, Amen
And It's Still Raining.