The words we all want to hear are not the following - "I give you maybe 2 weeks before you have a psychotic breakdown" and this little gem - "The voices carrying on a conversation in your head aren't normal"...
This is what my Dr. said to me before I started crying...
I knew things were bad but to throw the word psychotic into the mix doesn't sit very well with me then she went down a list of "symptoms" and the truth was like a lightning bolt from the sky....
Could I be in any more denial?
Now don't be scared...
I am not going to go postal...
Yet...
I now have 3 prescriptions - Yea me...
Cause one is bad enough but let us add 2 more to the mix - Whoo-hoo...
One is for Bipolar (probable lifer pill) - One is for Anxiety (not a lifer pill) and the last is the one I have been taking for the last week just to keep everything at bay...
We spoke for over 40 minutes to determine I am not suicidal and to make sure I didn't start cutting again.
I am not sleeping enough she says - I know I say - I can't shut my mind up.
I am walking the paranoid/delusional line she says.
I am headed for a complete psychotic breakdown.
What are the voices telling you? (Geez I feel like I am in a movie by saying that)
So we do the psychiatric dance...I tell her why and when I stopped taking my meds and she in turn tells me what is going to happen sooner rather then later if I don't take them. "Your mind can only handle so much before it shuts down completely". That is a sobering thought if you think about it.
"It is difficult to tolerate living in a state of anxiety for an extended period of time. The mind can only tolerate so much angst."
"If you continue on this path, your mind may blank out self-protectively"
The next thing she said to me was Ego-Dystonic...
(WTF is that you ask - No problem I have never heard of it either so I had to ask) -
*People who suffer from ego-dystonic thoughts never follow their thoughts with actions, in fact the thoughts offer them nothing but distress and shame. Their will is to rid themselves of the thoughts as quickly as is possible. For people who are suffering in this way, attempting to rid themselves of these thoughts is the worst possible course of action, indeed these thoughts have only become strong because of repeated attempts not to think them.*
High five that right there because no matter how hard I try, the thoughts keep coming back stronger and stronger - My meds for the bipolar will quiet that as well as the paranoia and the voices. The other will keep the anxiety at bay so I can function.
"How do you feel?" She asks me after the session...
"Broken"...
"Why?" She asks...
"I lost" I say...
"Lost what?" She says...
"Lost the fight I had within about being on medication" I say...
"It isn't supposed to be a fight...It is just to make you better" She says...
"I hate it" I say...
"I know" She says...
"I accept it" I say...
"You have to otherwise you may not come back from it next time" She says...
That isn't the only bitter pill I have to swallow today.
So my BFs' tonight I go back on my meds and you know I don't feel so bad about it anymore...
Do I like it? Hell no - But I accept it now and those words have taken me a very long time to say aloud. Besides it doesn't own me it is only a part of my sparkling personality :o)
I am the only one responsible for my actions and my happiness.
Today is a new day and now I move forward and make amends once again. So I will start here...To any and all I have offended with my ranting and raving - I apologize.
Am I done blogging? Hell no - I would miss you all to much and I feel we are here with one another for a reason at this time.
Time to move forward and see where this road takes us - It isn't going to be rainbows and butterflies because quite frankly that isn't who I am and I know that one (or 3-4 pills a day) won't make everything all better and I need this for my outlet on good and bad days...
I love you all and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your emails and kind words (and sometimes harsh words).
LINKIN PARK
I'll Start Again
And Whatever Pain May Come
Today This Ends
I'm Forgiving What I've Done
I'll Face Myself
To Cross Out What I've Become
Erase Myself
And Let Go Of What I've Done
