2/28/11

Lover Of My Soul

"When You Pass Through The Waters, I Will Be With You, And Through The Rivers, They Will Not Overwhelm You. When You Walk Through The Fire, You Will Not Be Burned Or Scorched, Nor Will The Flame Kindle Upon You."
Isaiah 43:2 (Amplified Bible)


Whispers in the dark, tears flowing freely, fresh pain threatening to overtake you, to send you back to day one, all of your hard work to move forward, is now sitting on the threshold, balancing between starting over once again, or moving forward past the pain, to take that step once again into the unknown.

One simple word, uttered in anger can undo everything you have worked for, if you allow it.

That is how my Sunday started, before I made it out of the house for Church, I was in that abyss once again, questioning, hurt, weary...

My Sunday ended just as I began this post, whispering, in the dark, to my Father, why;

"Why are you allowing this to continue to go on? Why is any of this okay for me, your Daughter? I accepted the divorce, I choose to forgive the adultery - daily, every hour on the hour it seems, I opened my heart and accepted the calling You placed on it and whether or not I felt it was the best thing for me, I face it with joy, because I know You know what is best for me."

"What I don't understand is how You can sit back and watch all this unfold."


Selfish it may seem, however I want to see Him...

Not just in the sunrise and sunset nor in the flowers that bloom or the rain that falls...

I want to feel Him near me, to hear His voice whispering within my soul, to see the love I know He has for me, reflecting in His eyes, as I gaze on His face, to feel the healing touch of His hand, to see myself, the way He sees me...

I need this so desperately and I thought that none of this would be available to me until I was already dead...

Once again, I was so very wrong, as I usually am when I think about what it is that He can truly do.

Because I am human, I think in human terms, we all do, I am a level-headed person most of the time and I think along those lines...

I am not a spirit, and I can't always fathom what He can do, on any given day.

I have felt Him at the Altar, in the Sanctuary, in the car, near me when I cry out to Him, but I have never felt Him the way, He allowed me to feel Him today.


The room was semi-dark, reflections running through my mind, not quite sure I wanted to face what this new day held for me, nerves stretched so tight, I almost feel like I am going to shatter into a million pieces at any given moment, fighting back the tears that always seem to be, right on the verge of spilling over, every since this trial began...

Take a deep breath, back straight, get ready to face the day, "suck it up," I tell myself as I got ready for work, my eyes began to mist over, though I know these aren't tears that are falling, it is something different, "maybe I am having a stroke," I say to myself, as a blinding light enters my line of sight at the same time a powerful feeling comes over me...

The room seems to fade away, yet I can see where I am and I also know I am not alone, I began to wonder if I was dying and as my breath caught in my throat, I could feel the pressure of His hand, laying right on my heart...

The light is so bright I want to close my eyes, but I can't, I can see the room around me, yet I can't move, almost like watching a train wreck, you just have to see what is going to happen next...

I can't see a face but I can feel this intense love envelope me, a love so powerful and so complete, I want to cry...

I feel a pressure on my chest, right where my heart lies and as I looked down, that was when I realized...

My God, my Father, the lover of my soul, is standing in front of me, with His hand completely covering my heart, with His love flowing all around the room, drowning me in it and I can hear Him whisper 2 words ~ "Be Still."

In an instant, the pressure from His hand is gone, the room comes back into view and I am left reeling...

It couldn't have been more than 1 minute, and as the sounds of reality came crashing back, I stood there wondering if I am losing my mind, if the past two years have finally caused me to crack under the stress...

My head feels fine, there aren't any hidden cameras in the room as if someone was playing a joke, there is no mist, no extra lighting...

Just a normal room...

And as I do an internal check within my mind and body, I get to my heart and once again the memory of that pressure is there, yet something has shifted, love is the first thing I feel there, not the pain, noth the weariness, not the hurt, just a love that feels so pure and so intense and so very complete.

As I take note of this, I hear those 2 words once again ~ "Be Still"


CHRIS TOMLIN
You Are There, In Every Season Of My Soul
You Are There, You're The Anchor That Will Hold
You Are There, In The Valley Of The Shadows
You Are Faithful, God

2 comments:

  1. I was thinking of you today. Wondering how you were. And saying a prayer for you.

    He is there. Praying for moments of stillness for you.

    ReplyDelete
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