"Come To Me, All You Who Are Weary And Burdened, And I Will Give You Rest."
Have you ever been so tired that you just want to crawl into the corner and cry yourself to sleep?
I felt like that last night, or should I say very early this morning.
My sister woke me up about 11pm last night, wanting to talk, so we went out into the garage so as not to wake anyone else.
My sister and I have a love-hate relationship, I am 5 years older than her and we don't always get along very well.
We never have.
Working together is one thing, now that we live together as well, there is a different dynamic there, that is almost combustible on any given day, most likely, because we don't have a chance to leave one another for a breather.
She abhors what the past 2 years have done to me and I am not a fan of how she lives her life.
We are complete opposites in almost every aspect.
She is all about the sunshine and rainbows and unicorns and life is great and never cares what anyone thinks of her, while I am more prone to the darker side of life. (They don't refer to me as the Princess of Darkness for nothing and yes, I am trying to outgrow that label.)
She is forceful, she does what she wants, when she wants, without a care in the world.
I am the peacekeeper and each move I make now, is with the precision of a master chess player.
She can walk into a room, not know a soul and leave with 25 new best friends.
I can walk into a room, not know a soul and leave the same way I came in.
I am the oldest and she is the baby, and there is a brother in between us.
Sadly, this isn't how I used to be and that is a huge source of contention and conflict between us.
I used to be just like her (minus the sunshiney, happy, happy, joy, joy mentality).
She can be the best friend in the world or your worst enemy and she takes no prisoners, life is to be enjoyed at that exact moment in time and no use worrying about next week, next month or next year.
In her opinion, I worry to much about the future and am teetering on the verge of not living any more.
In 2 years, I have sunk more within myself than she has ever known and she can't believe the sister she used to know would allow a man to destroy me in that way.
That was one of the things that she wanted to talk to me about last night, there was also the "lack of a backbone", the "what is wrong with you?" and my all time favorite "who are you?"
Now, I have answered all of these things over and over and over again, yet for some reason people think if they keep asking me the same things over and over and over again, my answers are going to change....
A funny thing happened last night, after talking for almost 3 hours, some of my answers changed.
"Who are you?" I have heard this a lot in the past 2 years and I always have the same answer, "I am me" to which I get the same response, "No, you aren't. The you I know, would never have bowed down in this manner."
What does that mean?
I fought for my marriage, I fought for my sanity, I fought for what I believe in, I fought to keep my faith, I fought the only way I knew how, in the face of adultery and abandonment - how is that bowing down?
I am the only me I know how to be and that just doesn't seem good enough for some people.
So I slip back into old habits, place a mask on and try to be who I am not.
I try to be more forward and end up apologizing for it, I try to be a stronger person and end up guilt ridden, I try to fight the tears and the anger that wells up within me and end up losing it, I fight fear on a daily basis because that is all I know how to do, I try to be everything to everyone and fail miserably in the process.
At the end of the day, I am emotionally wrecked, clinging to the Cross as if my life depends on it, because quite frankly at this point in time it does.
By the end of the week, I feel as I have been put through an emotional Cat 5 hurricane and I wonder how much longer I can do this.
I don't need anyone else to tell me who I am, to tell me how to feel, to tell me how to act, to tell me how I should react, to tell me what to wear or what to eat or what to watch on TV or what to listen to on the radio, or when to go to sleep or when to get up or when to shower or when to breathe.
Just leave me be.
I am desperately trying to figure out where my next step is going to land and I don't need anyone telling me where to place it.
You may feel I haven't made any strides in the past 2 years, but inside, I know I have.
I know a lot of people in real life and online who don't agree with the methods I have taken, that is fine because this is my life.
I know what I want out of it, I am just unsure how to reach it, however unless I ask you, don't tell me where to place my foot.
I know some of you there and here don't agree with the level of forgiveness I have granted my soon to be ex-husband and that is fine as well, however what makes your level better than mine (and vice versa)?
I can't live drenched in the cloak of bitterness and hatred and anger and revenge.
I get that you would have made different choices, however, like I have said before, instead of telling me I am wrong, you should be on your knees thanking Him that He put these shoes on me and not you.
The bottom line is this ~ If you have never walked even close to this path, you do not know what you would do.
You can say you would do this or you would do that, however given the opportunity, I can almost guarantee that you wouldn't act the way you say you would.
You know why I can say that?
Because I also said it, because He allowed me to almost drown due to it and my actions aren't anywhere near what I used to say they would be.
"Do you think I am happy about the past 2 years?"
"I am not," I told her at about 1:30am.
I have done more second guessing in 24 months than I have ever done in my entire life and I despise living like that.
I despise saying one thing, thinking it over for a few minutes and going back and saying I'm sorry.
I am all about forgiving others, but asking for forgiveness, because I am unsure how something will be taken, tears at my soul.
I despise that I have torn apart each and every aspect of my life to see where I went wrong in order to have some semblance of normaly over the fact that my husband cheated on me.
I despise that he made me feel so unworthy and so unloved that I can barely breathe when I stop and think about it.
I despise feeling so lost and so weary and so very alone.
Then she says something I never would have expected to come out of her mouth in a million years ~
"You wouldn't be the person you are now, without having gone through the past 2 years, have you ever thought about that?"
You see, she can say these things to me, because she wore these shoes about 5 years ago, when her husband of 10 years did almost the same thing.
Unlike me though, she did what she said all along she would do, and kicked him to the curb.
In her mind, she is stronger than me.
In my mind, she is just meaner.
She knows and has always known who she is.
I don't, because I allowed others to define who I was, and now that my definition has been taken from me, I am unsure of who I am.
The saddest part of that is, I don't know how to figure it out on my own.
The best part of that is, He has placed people in my life to help me figure it out.
And at about 2am, I laid my head down and as I was going through the conversation over again in my head, asking Him for some answers, seeking some clarity, I quieted my mind, blocked out the thoughts, just so I could hear from Him...
All I got was 2 words...
I may not know who I am, I may be confused and anxious and impatient and weary...
Yet, He knows who I am, He knows what I have been and He knows what I am about to become.
Who Am I?
That The Eyes That See My Sin
Would Look On Me With Love
And Watch Me Rise Again.
Who Am I?
That The Voice That Calmed The Sea,
Would Call Out Through The Rain,
And Calm The Storm In Me.