Light Meets The Dark

"Although Jesus Was The Son Of God, He Learned To Be Obedient Through His Sufferings."
Hebrews 5:8

The journey I have been on seems to have brought me too another fork in the road.

The spilt within seems to be almost complete and now I have to decide which person I am.

This journey has been painful for me, I feel torn between who I know I am and who He wants me to become.

I see two different people standing in front of me and one of us has to go.

Obey seems to be the theme of my life lately...

Everywhere I turn, I am hearing it, seeing it, reading it...

I get it, I need to obey Him.

It was gently pointed out to me last night, after Bible study, that I am not obeying Him as I should be.

I won't go into detail but suffice it to say, I felt like I had been slapped in the face.

I am not perfect, not even close, however I try to do the right thing in every situation I am in.

I try not to think bad thoughts, I try not to judge, I try so hard to see the soul of the person speaking to me instead of the ugly words I am hearing...

It isn't easy...

What is easy, is to just say what is on your mind and move on, turning the other cheek and walking away is harder, yet I am getting better at it.

I do it because I know that is what He wants me to do, and I am not speaking in specifics, I am just speaking in general.

I thought I was being obedient to Him, I thought I was doing everything He wanted me to do, until the conversation I had last night...

It wasn't anything bad, it was more of a "light bulb" moment for me and I did come home and talk about it with G because I had to make sure I "got" what I thought I was getting.

You see, on this journey towards being the person He has called me to be, I figured everything would be "golden" and it has not been...

I am still living where I don't want to live, relying on people etc...

I couldn't understand why; I prayed, I listened when He spoke to me, I help others, I go to Church, I rarely drink and I don't do drugs, I don't sleep around, I haven't read His word like I should (I will admit that) etc...

And last night my Pastor said something that struck me like a lightening bolt ~If you are not obeying, your prayers are not being heard~

They are obstructed by unseen things in your heart, hindered by your own mind and your own choices.

Between my Pastor and the talk with my Minister and as well as the support from G, only then did it become clear...

No matter what good I do, no matter how many homeless people I feed, how many times I turn the other cheek, how many times I go to Church or Bible study, no matter how many times I hit my knees to pray...

None of it matters as long as I am being a disobedient daughter, as long as I ignore what He says, I will continue to be stuck...

Stuck in a job with no chance to grow, stuck in a house where I can barely breathe, stuck relying on other people to take me where I need to go, etc...

It feels like I am trying to run in quicksand and the more I try to run, the more it is swallowing me up, the more I fight to get out, the further I sink.

Two people, facing off...

One dark, the one I am used to, the one that has no fear, doesn't care what others think, lives for herself and doesn't give a you know what, hurt, resentful, angry, yes a little bit bitter, possibly vengeful as well and doesn't want to feel anything, anymore, ever.

One light, moved to tears by a song, compassionate, caring, so tender-hearted now it makes the dark me sick to think about, wants to help her fellow man, feels Him right there with His hand out, coaxing and loving and trying so hard to tell her she will be ok if she just places her hand in His, her heart in His hands, her trust in Him...


Louder Than The Voice
That Whispers You're Unworthy
Hear The Sound Of Love
That Tells A Different Story

1 comment:

  1. Sister when I read these posts I have difficulty.

    I know you are struggling. God gives us the free will to choose. Forgiveness or not. Healthy habits or not. Stuck or not.

    I see you in transition. But patience is required.

    And no matter what you have the little one to hug. The bigger one to hold again when he gains wisdom.

    Keep that heart of yours open. Each scar is character.

    Take Care


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