I Wake Up In Darkness....

"See To It, Then, That The Light Within You Is Not Darkness"

Luke 11:35

 My search for Him is a continuous journey...

I am still seeking and for whatever reason I can't find Him...

I pray, I cry and I beg...

I sit and listen - Crickets is about all I hear...

My reality is a twisted mess of emotions...

 The divorce paper work is daunting...

The emotions I feel when I open the packet up once again to fill out another piece of paper to end what took so long to put together is enough to put me into the fetal position...

I feel so torn by what He wants me to do and what I want to do...

I know in His book it states He hates divorce...

I also know it is against His law to commit adultery...

I also know that a divorce is basically my "get out of jail free" card...

It is there for a reason says my Pastor...

Why am I dragging my feet on filling out the papers?

Why does it still hurt me to the core to see him?

Why does a few words from him send me into tears?

Why does it hurt so bad when lies turn into truths?

Why would there even be a smidgen of hope left within me?

 Each and every day I ask Him to please light my path...

Please show me that the decision is what He wants me to do...

If not then please show me what to do because I am so lost it isn't funny...

I got nothing...

The storm still rages...

His child still rages...

Neither is calm today...

 I need His protection from the waves that threaten to drown me...

I have people here that protect me...

People He put on my path...

People I can call anytime day or night...

They however can't show me the light...

They are pinpoints of light within my darkness...

I need the full beam because I am so tired of stumbling around in the dark...

 Once the rug was ripped out from under my world, I thought I did everything right...

Not at first of course...

I raged and I cut and I cried and I raged some more...

I was maybe 10 seconds away from a mental breakdown...

However I reeled it all in and took back control of my emotions...

I sucked it up and set about becoming the better option...

It would be months before I was able to make it through a whole day without crying...

It would be almost a year before I would begin to believe I was worth more then I was handed...

 I have cried more tears in the past year then I think I have in my entire life...

It isn't easy to look at someone you thought you knew and see a stranger...

It isn't easy to put your beliefs aside and do something you just don't feel...

I never cried once on front of him...

I yelled, I got in his face, I backed him into a corner in the garage, however I never broke down in front of him...

I always waited until he left to cry...

I never wanted him to see how bad he hurt me...

 So whenever he was around there was a smile planted on my face...

I didn't feel it but I wouldn't let him see that...

Walk around in front of me on the phone with her?

Smile...

Looking up apartments and jobs for her here?

Smile...

Talking about me while I was in the same room?

Smile...

Letting her talk to Tigger on the phone?

Smile...

 I lost weight so fast I scared myself...

I went and got a new haircut...

I went and got new clothes...

I started wearing make-up everyday...

I took my meds on a regular basis...

I spoke softer and held my tongue on numerous occasions...

I did everything in the house as well as with the boys...

He was like a guest in the house and still I smiled...

 On the inside though I was a mess...

I couldn't believe this was what God wanted for me...

I was so mad at Him...

I knew from Church so long ago that He would never forsake me...

A year ago I felt forsaken...

I felt forgotten...

I have had enough storms in my life and this was like a category 5 hurricane ripping through my life and I had nothing to grasp onto...

This coming Sunday - 05/02/10 will be 1 year since the bomb was dropped...

 I still feel lost...

I still feel alone...

I still feel mad...

I still feel like crying...

I still feel forgotten

I still feel forsaken...

Why?

Because I did everything right to no avail...

I became the better woman and it still wasn't enough...

TENTH AVENUE NORTH

But The Breeze Soon Fades Away With The Night
Leaving Me Alone In My Sin
Oh I Know I Could Follow You
If I Could Just Hear Your Voice One More Time