Focus...A Little Bit At A Time

My mind is clearer today then it has been in some time...

Yesterday I had some quiet time to sit and just think...

Think without the thoughts flying by to fast...

Think without tears...

Think without anger...

Think without fear...

Think without worry...

I thought of the past 19 years I have been married and how I was then to how I am now and I came to a realization...

I have put an awful lot on my husbands shoulders...

It made me sad to see what I have become and what I must look like in his eyes...

I took some time to write him a letter...

An apology letter...

I listed everything I was sorry for...

I also thanked him for all he has put up with...All that he is...

He knew from day one that I had bipolar however this past episode has been my worst and he didn't know how to handle it anymore...

His frustration I understand because it isn't easy for other people to understand...

I have a hell of a time understanding it myself...

Up until 2 days ago, I was fearful and paranoid and I accused him of some awful things...

In my mind the world is out to get me...

If I take the time to calm down, I would realize that is a ridiculous thought...

I was to the point of hiding in my own house and at my place of work because I just "knew" someone was coming for me...

I was scared to go home and scared to go to work...

My stomach stayed in a knot most of the day no matter what breathing techniques I used...

My hands shook, my heart felt like it was going to explode and my skin just crawled...

My thoughts raced by so fast, I couldn't comprehend anything...

I had trouble focusing at work and at home because I couldn't get my mind to shut down...

Between the emotional roller coaster and the 24/7 panic I was a mess and the one person who had always fixed it couldn't fix it this time...

That was when I stopped and just breathed and realized it isn't his job to fix me...

It isn't his job to make sure I take my medication...

It isn't his job to keep me sane and calm...

It isn't his job to always keep stress away from me...

It isn't his job to make me happy...

That is my job...

I am an adult and I should be responsible for my actions not push them on him to take care care of everything for me...

I am to fearful and I count on him way to much...

So I prayed...

Prayed for peace within...

Prayed for a quiet mind...

Prayed for some kind of guidance...

Counting on my husband isn't a bad thing up to a point however I should have better stress, anger, depressive management skills instead of always dumping it on him to fix...

Once that thought entered my head, the fog lifted a little...

The forgiveness in my heart was finally there and the suspicious thoughts were gone...

I finally had some peace in my heart and I knew what I had to do...

I wrote the letter and gave it to him and then left the room...

I needed him to know how sorry I was for any turmoil I caused him...

I was sorry for so much that my sickness had brought on...

So sorry for never taking my medication regularly...

So sorry I thought I could (once again) handle this on my own...

I then waited...

Waited to see if he would forgive me...

Waited to see if we still had a chance...

Yes he did and yes we do...

He never had the doubts...

My effed up mind did...

He didn't want any apologies...

No one is perfect...

He just wants me stable...

He listened as I told him how the medications make me feel and he really listened as I told him how the paranoia has almost done me in this time...

We will do it together he says...

He wants me to be the best person I can be...

I don't think that is to much to ask for do you?

I think it is a wonderful thing to look forward to.

BLUE OCTOBER
It's The Guilt Of What Reality Has Given Me
Making Sense Of All Mistakes And My Stupidity
And When You're Sick You Seem To Think
You've Failed Eternally