As The Years Pass

"He Made The Storm Be Still, And The Waves Of The Sea Were Hushed."

Psalm 107:29 (ESV)

     I love and listen to all kinds of music and those who spend any amount of time with me know that Creed is my all-time, hands-down, favorite band, and they have been for about the past 14 years. It took me over 10 years before I saw them in concert, thankfully it will not take me another 10 years before I see them again.

I will be seeing them tomorrow night. **Happy dance in my seat**

Now this is not like a "normal" concert for me. You see my sister went to high school and is close friends with one of the band members. Since his family still lives here, everytime he is in town, the two of them are hanging out. I have met him and he knows of my love for Creed, more importantly how much I simply adore Scott Stapp. Therefore when the band announced they would be coming to a town close to me, him and my sister were kind enough to hook me up. When I say hook me up, I mean early admittance so I can see the sound check, tickets to the concert, backstage passes, and a face to face meeting with Scott... People, I may just pass out!

A FACE to FACE with Scott Stapp... There. Are. No. Words. I am counting down the hours now :))))))

Now pray that I will be able to actually speak in complete sentences!

I promise to post some pictures this weekend.

I am now officially the first white female minister in my Church. If you recall in my last post, I was on my way out of town to make history. I spent 3 days in Tallahassee, met the Bishop, was prayed over, talked to, and on the 3rd day, I received my certificate. There were many tears, lots of smiles, some trepidation, and tremendous encouragement, from each person I met. God willing, I will become ordained in 2 years.

As I sat a little over 3 years ago watching all that I ever believed in, implode in my face, wondering where to go from there, I never would have guessed that I would be sitting in this place today. It still wraps me in complete awe when I see His Hand move in my life.

There are some things that I would change in an instant, however I have faith that He will take care of those mountains in His time.

After waiting a little over 9 months (classes, facing the Bishop etc...), I was behind the pulpit preaching, once again this past Sunday.

If you have been reading for any length of time, you will know that the thorn in my side is public prayer (on my part). The minute I open my mouth to pray, something happens that seems to cut off my vocal cords. If called on to pray aloud, panic sets in and I begin to stammer, to whisper, my heart feels like it is going to pound out of my chest and I feel like I am choking.

3 years I have been dealing with this, by praying outloud when I am called on and it seems to be getting a smidge better.

As I stood behind the pulpit this past Sunday, I was still unsure how to "open" my sermon. Contrary to my beliefs, I cannot sing (as my family will tell you) HA, therefore, opening with song was out of the question... My next option was open with a prayer.

I called for the congregation to bow their heads, close their eyes, I took a deep breath and I did it... I prayed outloud, behind the microphone... No panic, no stammering, no choking.

I prayed from my heart, to the heart of my Father... OUTLOUD!

My prayer partner and my Pastor were thrilled, knowing this was a huge step for me :)))

And I know in my heart, He was pleased... That is all that matters :)

Many blessings to you all.

MERCYME
If You Think That This
Is The Best That It Can Get
Oh The Wonder Of It Is
You Ain’t Seen Nothing Yet

Don't You Give Up...

"My Help And Glory Are In God —Granite-Strength And Safe-Harbor-God— So Trust Him Absolutely, People; Lay Your Lives On The Line For Him. God Is A Safe Place To Be."  

Psalm 62:7-8 (the Message) 

Has it really been 2 months (exactly) since I last posted? It sure has and I am so sorry, however, I am here now so put a smile on your face. :)

I have been overwhelmed with school this semester, having taken 5 classes instead of my usual 4, due to some weird scheduling and at about mid-semester I was taking 4 all at the same time (usually broken up 2/2 every 8 weeks)...

Needless to say, I am needing a vacation and I don't see one in sight HA!

This semester ends on the 17th (I think) and then I move right into the next semester on the 20th. Last year I took the Summer off, this year I didn't and I am feeling it.

I have to keep this pace up (no breaks between semesters) so that my graduation coincides with my ordination, therefore posting sporadically is about as good as it gets for right now. :)

So let us get to it...

I titled this post with the words my Pastor spoke to me last week, "Don't you give up, don't you dare give up."

Whispered, hurtful words, surround me... The enemy, crouched, ready to pounce if I just nudge that door open even a fraction... Church, work, school, my little one, family, expectations, responsibilities, small victories, and huge failures all came crashing in one evening and doubt found a way in.

I will let you in on a little secret... Next week my class from the Ministerial Institute will be presented to the Bishop, and I am on course to make history... History people... Little ole me.

My Church is over 60 years old and there has never been a white, female preacher...

Until now.

Let that sink in.

Then let the fact that the majority of people do not like change and you will see why he said those words to me.

It has been 9 months since I preached my first sermon and I knew back then that this was a big deal (especially after I found out my Pastor wanted to call in the press, but held off knowing it would scare me to no end), and I was okay with that, however, as the time draws closer, I can feel the anxiety rise.

I see the enemy closing in, doing everything possible, to keep me from getting to the next place. Plans have fallen apart, Scriptures have been forgotten, things I know (like the back of my hand) have fallen right out of my head, I have gone back to speaking quietly, instead of with purpose, fear is trying to live, where confidence was once reigning.

Questions swirl, where I had answers yesterday; doubt, where I had clarity; worry, instead of peace; therefore I sit and I talk to Him, asking Him if He is sure I am the right person for this...

Yes, I question God and what He is doing in my life...

Then I am reminded of the night Jesus prayed in the Garden... I imagine He probably wondered as well, especially considering one of His chosen, would betray Him with a kiss.

I am right where He wants me to be, that is what I get from Him. Yes, I am out of my comfort zone, however, having a comfort zone can also keep one from moving forward.

Stepping out of your comfort zone, allows you to seek Him even more. You begin to call on Him more because you do not know what is going to happen next, and this is where I believe He wants each of us to be.

Each time I become a little bit more comfortable, another door opens and He moves me forward a little more, leaving behind the comfort I was (finally) getting used to.

I still have the comfort of knowing that I have some pretty terrific people in my corner; cheering for me, praying for me, encouraging me, and helping me (when I actually let anyone know I need some help).

So when I spoke to my Pastor about some things that I have heard recently, as well as the fact that the anxiety is so bad, I can barely breathe at times, his answer was not to give up...

To give up, allows the enemy to claim this victory.

Therefore, I have to find the balance and the only place I can find that balance is with Him.

The Scripture above says that ".... God is a safe place to be."

Truer words have never been spoken. The fact that I can sit anywhere, call upon Him, and feel His presence right there beside me, is beyond any description I could even begin to conjure up.

So when I want to just give up, I take it to Him, because I know I am not a quitter.

I have overcome way too much to give up now.

Someone right now reading this needs to know that He is the One place you can find comfort, the safest place you will ever be, and He is the One who will never, ever, let you give up.

To my prayer warriors that are reading this, I ask that you pray for me. Pray that the people see less of me and more of Him, pray for acceptance, pray for tolerance, pray for peace, but most of all, just say a prayer of Thanksgiving for us all.

CHRIS AUGUST
When I Rise, When I Fall
You'll Be There Through It All
At The Start, At The End
In The Center Of The Center Of It

Order Within The Slop

"You Call Out To God For Help And He Helps—He's A Good Father That Way. But Don't Forget, He's Also A Responsible Father, And Won't Let You Get By With Sloppy Living."

1 Peter 1:17 (Message)

I love the Message Bible, however, I do not use it on a daily basis. More likely than naught, you will find me with the English Standard Version, unless I am studying for school - I use the King James Version (which is required) and if I am doing Bible Study, then I use the New International Version.... But for this post, for that passage above... The Message is appropriate.

The thing that stood out to me in this passage of Scripture was the two little words ~ Sloppy Living.

When you think about someone who is sloppy, normally your mind will go directly to their appearance or the state of their house/car/desk etc... You think of clutter, lack of order and (at least in my mind) some form of dirtiness. I do not like slop, period. Not in any form of my life, but most especially where my living quarters are concerned.

Everything has its place and it would be so much easier if I could get Tigger to understand that when he plays with something, just put it back where you found it. Because we share a room and this is also where I work and study, I have got to have some sense of order... No matter how much I fight him about it, I do not have order LOL.

Chaos reigns supreme, where this 9 year old child of mine is concerned. He puts dirty clothes BESIDE the laundry hamper, instead of in it. His shoes sit OUTSIDE the closet, instead of within it. Wet towels are deposited ON the floor, as opposed to hanging them up on a hook. You get the idea? Chaos! I walked in the room the other day to check on something and I had to walk right back out due to the fact that I swear I started shaking in panic.

All the animals that go on top of the bed in a neat and orderly fashion, were strewn about the floor, the nicely made bed, had the covers ripped up from the corners and haphazardly thrown on top of the mattress, pillows were all over the place and there he sat, innocently at the computer, playing a game.

"Dude! What happened in here?" (Yes, I call my son "dude" sometimes lol) I asked... He pauses his game, looks around, and says "What do you mean? I was playing and I cleaned my mess up." That would be the day I contemplated that school should be year round.

I have found that a lot of us are like my 9 year old son, when it comes to the way we decide we should be able to live our lives.

God is the master of organization, not the author of chaos. Where you find chaos, confusion, and lack... You will find the enemy, chillin in your easy chair, drinking your favorite brand of coffee, laughing, as he watches you, trying to bring order to the confusion he has caused.

It never ceases to amaze me the lengths Christians will go to, in order to continue to live their lives, the way they see fit. I hear more justifications than I even have time to list, I witness more sinful behavior than I have ever thought possible, and I am now privy to a host of excuses uttered, that I never thought I would hear. It all leads up to "sloppy living."

Now before I go any further, I will make it known that, contrary to what people say about me, I am not perfect. Don't worry, I will wait while you pick yourself up off the floor from that little knowledge nugget... All good?

I have never once claimed that I am perfect, nor have I ever claimed that I am without sin... My claim is to live a life as free from sin as possible, striving for (but knowing it will never be achieved) perfection.

Here is another nugget for you... I sin daily.

There you go, my secret is out in the open. My mind is a cesspool of sinful thoughts and I have learned that where you find confusion (in my mind), you will find sin. Some days my thoughts are better to control than other days... The key is to continue to strive to keep my thoughts, aligned with His word.

Isaiah 55:8 (ESV) "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord." His thoughts are not my thoughts, His thoughts are not your thoughts... I have the fullest capability of controlling my own thought process... And so do you.

The problem lies when people do not fully understand this. We have free-will, control over the choices we make, the way we respond, and the way we live. Sadly I have found that people do not want to take responsibility for the choices they made, the repercussions that have followed said choices, and the numerous regrets that will inevitably be not far behind.

They choose sloppy living and then want to lay the blame at the foot of another, when that way of living does not pan out the way they thought it would.

As I stated earlier, my mind is a cesspool of horrific, sinful thinking at times. If I close my eyes, I can almost see good vs. evil, sparring in a ring. The question is, which one is going to win?

I would like to say that good wins every time, sadly (here comes another nugget), that is not the case. There are days that I allow my mind to wander into the devil's playground. Heck there are days I run and skip in his playground... However, I am almost immediately convicted by the One whom I trust.

Because I am a baptized believer, I can no longer claim ignorance. I can no longer say "Oh, I did not know that I was not supposed to do ______ (Fill in the blank)." The beauty of that is... God knows this and He still loves us!

He knows that ALL believers are going to sin... Some more so than others. He knows that every single believer from time to time will stumble, that some may take the wrong path, and some may even make a few, very questionable choices.

He knows that while true believers can no longer claim ignorance, some are extremely unprepared (raises hand) for the assault that the world and the enemy has waiting for them.

See, the fact is that as a believer, you are going to commit a sin, however, note this... As a genuine believer; one who has surrendered ALL to Him, you will not be able to live a life of sin. Do you see the difference?

Here is a example:

"Genuine Believer" ~ For arguments sake, let's just say that you come across someone who is wearing something that leaves little to the imagination... Your first thought? Who does she think she is? Why in the world would he leave his house looking like that? Don't people own mirrors anymore? This is judging and it is a sin. Yet during your thought process of tearing the person down, conviction sets in "Hey, who am I to say a word about that person (or something like this)?" You repent to Him for judging, you may ask Him to show you why you felt it was necessary to judge another, and then you go about your day.

"Believer" ~ This person does whatever they want, repenting here and there, yet never turning away from the sin they repented of. They continue to live the life they feel they should live, and dare anyone to question their Christianity.

The difference between a genuine believer and a believer is that the genuine one has truly surrendered their life to the Lord. They know that as they continue to surrender daily, the "world" loses the appeal it used to show. They know that the more surrendering they do, the more they will be able to discern His will in each area of their life. They are striving for having absolutely zero separation between their spiritual life and their everyday life.... The two become one.

Most believers separate the two... Sunday life vs. Monday-Saturday life. By doing this, your spiritual life has very little impact on your "normal" life.

The only way to grow and mature in Christ is to completely surrender to Him and allow Him to have complete control over every aspect of your life.

Every second.

Every day.

I can almost see your thought wheels turning right now... "I don't want to give up complete control" or perhaps, "I am doing just fine on my own, thank you very much."

Surrendering means letting go of the pride, giving up the control, turning over the independence, and giving up all those things in our life, that we have made more important than Jesus Christ.

Surrendering to Him means allowing Him to guide your life, and it also means bearing our crosses for His sake. It means you acknowledge Him in all things (good and bad), it is a realization that everything we have in this life comes from Him. Most of all it means that we can finally comprehend that no matter how hard we try, we cannot make it, without His constant guidance and protection.

Is today the day you surrender your sloppy living?

TENTH AVENUE NORTH
You Say Let It Go, You Say Let It Go
You Say Life Is Waiting For The One's Who Lose Control
You Say You Will Be, Everything I Need
You Said If I Lose My Life It's Then I'll Find My Soul

A Whisper Away

"That Christ May Dwell In Your Hearts By Faith; That Ye, Being Rooted And Grounded In Love, May Be Able To Comprehend With All Saints What Is The Breadth, And Length, And Depth, And Height; And To Know The Love Of Christ, Which Passeth Knowledge, That Ye Might Be Filled With All The Fulness Of God."

Ephesians 3:17-19

Apparently it has been awhile since I have posted. I logged onto Blogger this morning only to find the layout had changed and I could not find anything anymore. With a little digging I was able to locate the previous posts I had started, this being one of them.

It seems I last posted over a month ago when I was heading out to see Michael W. Smith so I will start there. My word that was a magnificent concert! It was held in a Church so the seating was limited and it was just him and his piano. No blindingly bright light shows, no deafeningly loud drums, no fire, no smoke...

Just sweetly simple. He chatted, he prayed, he sang, but most of all he encouraged us to praise. I would still love to see him in a stadium setting, but this was beyond words.

Not long after the concert I started a second form of school, one that is required by my Church. I go 2 Saturdays a month, in a Church about 2 hours from me, therefore I have to get up at 3:30am (yes that says AM, as in MORNING people) in order to look presentable when I arrive. I have learned a lot, as well as questioned a lot.

All of our instructors are Pastors and it is a blessing to have access to so much wisdom and encouragement. To know each one of them has walked this same road is something I did not expect when I started this journey. They know how we feel, they know the fear, the doubt, the worry, and the utter aloneness that each of us is facing and they do everything in their power to ease the transition (so to speak).

I still have not found my "speaking voice" when I am called on to speak aloud. However, I have found tears, in spades and you all know how I feel about crying. Not just sad ones, but happy ones as well. I find Him moving me when I least expect it and I will admit, if I did not have to mess up my "face" nor sniffle, nor struggle to catch my breath, nor have a hard time swallowing, I would find it beautiful.

The boys are doing well. Eeyore is one I do not see very often, however, I am hoping time will mend that. My Pastor as well as their Dad told me to just give it some time, however, I am not known for my patience. Tigger, well he is just a joy, my shadow as he is called. When I am at the house, he is never far behind me. He has his issues that we are dealing with, however, I can see he has come a long way since his Dad left. He no longer drops the "F" bomb every other word so that in itself is a great thing! :)

One month ago yesterday, my divorce became final. I have not processed that as well as I should have, but I am trying. I would think being separated for almost 3 years would have helped, yet the day I received the final papers felt like I had ripped a too small bandage off of a very large wound.

I would like to say I have moved past the bitterness and hatred, yet there are times it creeps back in. Usually when it has to do with my boys or when I am so overwhelmed that I want to crawl in a corner and bawl like baby. When I feel like my shoulders are so weighed down that I can barely hold my head up straight, when my back feels like it is being crushed under the heaviness of expectations from other people, when I can not, no matter how hard I try, find the light at the end of the tunnel. Then it comes in, as if I am just holding the door open for the enemy, welcoming him with a cup of hot coffee and a smile, to please just come in and wreck havoc on my soul.

Trust....

I have covered this topic before and will continue to do so, until at least I can understand it. "You can trust me" is something I hear often, however, that line no longer works for me. I have learned the hard way that when you are walking the ministerial path, there are people who want to be in your circle, only long enough to see you falter. I do not say that out of cynicism, I say that out of experience.

Trust.... I have always believed that it should be given 100% freely, however, difficult circumstances have caused me to rethink that stance. I now think that people should receive a certain level of "general" trust upon meeting. You start by handing out a little bit of trust, just enough, because you have finally realized that it is something that needs to grow and be nourished, then (and only then) can the general trust you placed in another, grow into a deep-rooted trust.

Trust.... Once you have the trust of someone, you should do all you can to protect that trust.

Trust.... There are very few people I trust implicitly, very, very few who have crossed the line from "general" to "deep-rooted" and I believe that God has designed circumstances to be that way for a reason. I know, without a shadow of a doubt who I can and cannot turn to and for now, I am okay with that.

Love....

Matthew 22:37-39 "Jesus said to him, “‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.’This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’

All too often we reverse these two commandments and then usually drop off the "love your neighbor" portion, leaving only yourself and perhaps if there is time, God. He should be first in each and every thing that you do. I do not care if you are a janitor in the local elementary school or the president of the United States, do what you do, to glorify Him.

I have admitted I am not a great speaker, my voice is quiet and becomes even quieter when I am called on, which will inevitably bring forth someone saying "I can't hear you" or "Speak up." I am trying to get past this by continuing to do it, because I love Him. I fear like there is no tomorrow, yet I also know He did not put that spirit of fear within me so I continue to face each fear head on, because I love Him. I worry what others think (more than any one person should ever have to do so), yet I can not allow that to deter where He has placed me.... I obey Him out of love.

Love is not supposed to devastate everything in its wake. Love should protect & it should be loyal. The Bible says that out of Faith, Hope, and Love, the greatest is Love. 1 Corinthians 13:13 (paraphrased)

Love can be explosive (not in a harmful way) and it can also be quiet. It can hit you like a firecracker on the Fourth of July or sneak up on you like a calming breeze on a midsummer day. It is a look that passes between the parties involved, a gentle hug, a tender kiss, a firm hand on your back but one thing it should never do is hurt, either physically or emotionally.

Love is a choice, not just a feeling. It has taken me a very long time to accept that my ex-husband made the choice to leave. In the past 3 years I did everything I possibly could for him to know how much I loved him and I tried as hard as I could to give him the best of me. I was so far from perfect it is almost laughable now, because I most definitely had horrific days and I still have soul crushing moments of being terrified and lonely, but I am doing the best that I can.

I do not necessarily advocate divorce, however, because he made the decision to leave, God released me from my marriage because I was faithful to my husband and to God.

That will not define me, yes, it is a defining moment, however I know now that I am more than that. The moments that define me, make me a better person, as long as I respond in the way He calls me to respond. With love.

Peace....

One of my favorite passages of Scripture is found in Philippians, chapter 4, verse 7 and it reads "and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."

The pure peace you seek will never be found in man. This was another lesson I learned the hard way... Seeking anyone who could restore the balance I had lost, yet never finding. I have said it before and I will say it again, I thank God for my Pastor each and every single night. He placed a man in my path who will go out of his way to steer me in the correct direction. I keep nothing from him, because he is the one I trust the most here on Earth. He has no hidden agenda, he does not want anything from me other than to see me succeed, and he does it in a kind way. He knows my secrets, as well as my fears, doubts, and worries. He can look at my face and know if I am "good" or "hiding" and he also knows that in my time it will come out, so he does not push, instead he waits until I am ready.

From suicidal planning, to a new walk in ministry, he has been right there and I am honored and humbled to call him my friend.

We all need someone in our lives like this, someone who will tell you (whether you want to hear it or not) how it is or how it should be. Do we always see eye to eye? Nope... There are days I feel he is "picking on me" and I do all I can to stay out of his line of vision (for fear of having to do some form of public speaking, like my first Bible study tonight), yet there is a part of me that knows he is just pushing me to the next step. He is the one who comes along once I am nice and comfy, and drags me out of my new comfort zone, kicking and screaming and most likely crying and I am grateful for that. Otherwise I would just stay stuck. God will not allow me to become stuck and He seems to use anyone He can to pull me out of the pit I too often find myself sinking in.

That thought right there.... Brings me a peace that is hard to put into words.

I am not alone. He is right there by my side and He has placed some pretty phenomenal people in my path as well.

I never realized how much I missed writing until I sat down to post these thoughts. I do so much writing now, however it is required, and this is freely me... This allows me to think outloud.

These past 3 years have been a walk through hell, however, I have not walked it alone. God has seen fit to walk with me, carry me when I couldn't take another step forward, and allowed me to rest within His embrace, when I was too tired to go on. He is the One who lays with me as I sleep and rises with me when I wake.... Every second of every single day, He is right there.

Do you realize what kind of love that is? I mean do you truly feel it in the blackest recesses of your soul? Does His light collide with your dark? Do you realize that each day you wake up, He made that day for you? Do you hear Him whisper your name in the darkest of nights as well as the brightest of days?

If you do not know of His love, I beg of you to find it....

Seek Him out, He is but only a whisper away.

BUILDING 429
'Cause All That Makes Me Who I Am To Be
Is Everything In You That I Still Need
It's A Long Road Left For Me To Make It Home
But I Don't Go Alone

Wonder, Worship & Blessings Tour

"Let everything that has breath praise the LORD. Praise the LORD."

Psalm 150:6 

This is who I will be worshipping with tomorrow evening.

Michael W. Smith *Big Smiles* as I type that!

For over 20 years, this has been my favortie Christian artist, yet he never seemed to be close to where I was living so I have not had the chance to see him in person.

Tomorrow I will drive about an hour away and immerse myself in the "Wonder, Worship and Blessings Tour."

A birthday present from my parents and sister.

I could not have asked for anything else nor could they have scoured the Earth for something better.

**Happy Dance in my Seat!!**

I will be back and give you all the details sometime this weekend.

My Spring Break is over Sunday night so it is back to classes on Monday...

Humanities and English Comp, here I come :)

Much love, Many hugs and Massive prayers.

MICHAEL W. SMITH
I Hold You Close To Me, Close To Heart
And This Kind Of Love Will Find You
Anywhere You Are
Never Fear, I Am Here