"See, Darkness Covers The Earth And Thick Darkness Is Over The Peoples, But The LORD Rises Upon You And His Glory Appears Over You."
I don't know anyone who doesn't like a compliment every now and then.
Good job, beautiful smile, nice handwriting, awesome singing voice, pretty eyes, shiny hair, super Mommy or Daddy, fantastic spouse and the list goes on and on and on.
If you could have just one compliment bestowed on you, what would that be?
Take a moment to think about it, what is there about you or your deeds that you would love to have noticed?
For the longest time, I thought it was this...
My blog, my thoughts, put out for the whole internet to see, then along the way things have changed drastically, as you all know and I lost confidence in even writing.
If you could see my edit folder, I have no less than 20 posts that have been started, almost done, ideas, and some that just need a song...
Yet there they sit, calling to be done, and I avoid them, fear creeps in at the responses I may get, the emails you don't see from people who don't believe like I do, people who would rather hide behind the "anonymous" tag instead.
Not nearly as bad as they used to be, however I don't take criticism well, I also don't take compliments well, goes along with hiding in the corner, in the dark, where no one can see you.
I stutter and stammer and blush whenever a compliment is paid to me, I will change the point of topic as quickly as possible, so as to remove the focus off of myself.
I know a simple "thank you" will work just fine, yet my voice just runs from me when someone points out something "good" I have done or if I have changed something about myself and it is noticed.
I don't want you to remember me, for "me", I want to be remembered for how I blessed your life, for the impact He allowed me to make to you.
If that isn't what is remembered, then I am doing something wrong.
I want to come across as transparent as I possibly can.
I want you to see honesty, love, kindness, compassion, empathy and gentleness.
Most importantly I want you to see Him when you look at me.
However I didn't know how to project that, until recently.
I still struggle in areas within myself that are just plain ugly.
I still have a very low patience level, I can be judgemental and mean, I still have places where I am a complete doormat and I don't want to be anywhere but in my Church, that is where I feel the most at peace, yet I can't live there.
I have struggled to blend His world into my world. (I am ashamed to admit that)
I should be the one conforming, not expecting Him to conform to the way I think it should be.
The changes have to be made by me, not Him, in my mind, not His, in my heart and in my soul.
You can't have your cake and eat it as well :)
So as each chain is broken, it almost feels like I lose, even though I know in my heart I am winning, a small part of me still feels the loss, like an arrow shooting straight through my heart.
The part that sees the people who turn away, when they find out what I am pursuing.
The part that hears the whispers behind my back.
The part that hates the words said to my face.
The part of me that wants to give up, the part that still would rather go out and party instead of staying in, knowing that the partying lifestyle only leads to trouble that quite frankly, I don't need.
The part that feels the conviction the strongest, when I am doing something or saying something or even thinking something that I shouldn't be.
The part that is scared of failing, scared to be held accountable for her own soul, much less the souls of others.
These are the parts I need to work on.
The rest of me, knows He is in control, knows He won't let me fail, knows that if I was on the wrong path, if asked, He would right that path and yes, I have asked continuously if He is certain that the calling I feel, is from Him, and that it is meant for me and not someone else.
And each time I ask, He answers.
The cardinal is still around, sometimes flying right in front of the car as I am driving.
There are people in my life who see my doubt and help me to turn it over to Him.
I am surrounded by Him with each breath I take, each step I make and with every beat of my heart....
The greatest compliment came to me this past Sunday.
My female minister came to me after Church service and we were talking for a few minutes when she said, "I can see His annointing on you. I see His light surrounding you."
Never before has a compliment reduced me to tears...
I may doubt, I may question, I may even fear, yet I also know that as those chains get broken, He is able to shine, all around me, for others to see.
DAVID CROWDER BAND
You Sent A SignA Hint, A Whisper
Heaven Is Listening