"Lead Me, O LORD, In Thy Righteousness Because Of Mine Enemies; Make Thy Way Straight Before My Face."
I know it has been awhile since I posted and I am okay, thank you for your emails of concern as well as the messages on FB and Twitter.
It isn't that I don't have anything to write about, because I do, it is just at this present time I am feeling a bit overwhelmed.
The holidays are upon us and while I normally love the holiday season, I am not into it.
I miss my family.
I am a big "traditions" person.
There are certain things I put out for the holidays, certains foods we always have, the smells are there, the chill is in the air, wood on the fireplace etc...
Except I don't have any of those things for the 2nd year in a row.
I don't even have my oldest son with me.
The divorce is killing me, I will admit.
I still do not believe in it, I still believe reconciliation is what He would want before a divorce is done, however I wasn't offered that chance.
So I fight, I fight each step of the way to ensure my boys and I are protected, I fight the injustice that has been thrust upon us, I fight the legal system, which is a joke, I fight to keep my name and reputation in tact, I fight to put food on the table, I fight to save any amount of money so that maybe, at this time next year, we will have a place of our own.
I'm tired of fighting.
I feel like I have been at war for the past 2 years, each and every belief I have ever held onto has been tested, my Faith almost shattered, stressed to the complete maximum.
Since February 2009, I have lost more weight than I ever thought possible, I barely sleep a full night, even 2 years later, my hair has fallen out by the handful, I clench my jaw when I sleep now, so tight that I have broken a couple of molars, I wake up in a foul mood and most nights I go to bed in tears.
I wander the house in the early hours of the morning, when all is quiet and sane people are sleeping, I look over little man, so peaceful, barely a clue as to what is really going on and I question Him, yes I question Him, a Pastor to be who still questions "why."
Why He gave us these 2 children, only to have their lives ripped apart.
Why He allowed us 21 years together, only to have the past rip us apart.
Why wasn't my husband stronger?
Why was Satan allowed to win this time?
That is what it boils down to, Satan won this round.
Right now, he owns the soul of my husband and I can't play in that field any longer.
The more I ask "why", the less answers I get.
No matter what I read, what I pray or who I ask, I won't have the answer, not at least in this lifetime and that is a hard pill to swallow.
I am a factual person, besides my walk with Him, I have to see, to touch, to smell in order to know it is there in front of me.
I know if I ask little man "why" he didn't do something in school, I will get a response, I know if I ask my Mom "why" over such and such, I will get a response, I can ask any of you "why" and will also get a myriad of responses, but all the "whys" I am asking now are only bringing the sound of crickets.
As if ripping the rug out from under my life wasn't bad enough, I am not worthy of an explanation either.
During the course of trying to recover from infidelity and abandonment you are taught to keep a PMA - Positive Mental Attitude - Yes the walls of your life are crumbling around you, yes you are losing everything faster than water slipping through your hands, yes your ego and your mental health are taking a beating, yes your spiritual and physical health are also in danger...
But hey, keep on smiling.
There are days, I don't want to smile, I don't want to have a PMA, I don't want to see anyone, I don't want to pray, I don't want to have Faith in Him, I don't want to have hope that this is what is "best for me", I don't want to hear anyone tell me that I need to "let go" or that "enough time has passed" or my favorite "you need to start dating"...
Some days I want to cry, some days I want to rage, some days are good, some days are bad, some days I can go through each of these emotions in a matter of minutes, that doesn't mean my meds need to be adjusted, it means I am trying to come to terms with what has been handed to me on a silver platter.
If you have not walked a mile in my shoes, you don't have the right to tell me how to handle it, plain and simple.
I am not being mean or hateful, this is just my opinion.
There is no time-line to getting over it, at least not one that I can find, there are triggers that bring all the emotions rushing back in the span of a heartbeat and once all is said and done you are left standing there wondering what in the world just happened.
Do you really think any of us want to be in this situation?
Questioning each and every single move we have made in the span of 10, 20, 30 or more years worth of marriage.
The answer is no.
No one I have met, who is walking this same path, asked for it...
Regardless of what kind of spouse you were or weren't, (depending on who you ask) you don't deserve this.
How you respond to it though, will define you, the true you that has most likely laid dormant for years.
Once the affair is brought to the light, you will face a mountain the size of Everest, the outright lies, the hatefulness, the blame, the wishy-washy behavior, the threats, blackmail, restraining orders, court orders, lawyers, children used as pawns, gaslighting, paranoia etc...
You may face all of these, or if you are lucky only some of these, yours truly has faced all but one on that list and I am still standing.
I face this mountain each morning I wake up and yes, there are days I don't want to look at it, I want to wake up from the nightmare, I want to open my eyes, be back in my old house with both my kids and the husband I used to know, however burying your head in the sand isn't going to make it go away.
Welcome to the land of the walking wounded.
2 years later and I am still a bit shell-shocked, still a bit foggy myself, still wondering if this is all just a really bad dream, still wondering how I never saw "this" person, beneath the man I used to know.
You will never realize how strong you are, until being strong is all you have.
I didn't and I didn't get to this place alone, by His Grace and Mercy I had an awful lot of help along the way.
I have a support group that I wouldn't trade for anything, I have a Church family where most of the time I feel welcome, I have my family, I have some very, very dear and close friends, I am not alone, even though I tried to go at it alone in the beginning.
Don't make the same mistakes I made, you have but one life, make it all about Him and what His blessings are for you.
You may be a member of the walking wounded, however you are never walking alone.
All This Time I've Wandered Around
Searching For The Things I'll Never Know
I've Been Searching For This Answer
That Only Will Be Found In Your Love
And I Feel It, My Heart, Is Being Mended By Your Touch
And I Hear It, Your Voice, That's Shown My Purpose In This World