How Heavy Is Yours?

"And Anyone Who Does Not Take His Cross And Follow Me Is Not Worthy Of Me. Whoever Finds His Life Will Lose It, And Whoever Loses His Life For My Sake Will Find It."

Matthew 10:38-39

Until recently I never understood what it meant to carry your own cross.

I have heard the term, and read the verse stated above...

I just didn't "get it"...

What cross was I carrying and who did I get it from so I could actually indeed carry it?

Told you guys I was a dork.

Carrying the cross means to bear the difficulties that life throws at you with strength and patience just as Jesus did.

Using the difficulties and sufferings in front of you to produce love.

Since I live in my situation, I will use that as an example to show you when I carried my cross and when I abandoned it.

I am not proud of all the choices I have made, however I no longer allow it to weigh me down with regret and doubt.

During the early days when my life was decimated by another, it was my main focus...

For months I walked around in my own fog, moaning and complaining to anyone who would listen...

I wanted answers, a lot of answers and the one person who could give them to me was not speaking.

I must have cursed his name with every fiber in my being on a daily basis and that would be on the days when I actually made it out of bed.

Then I read "The Shack" and it opened my eyes up to forgiveness on a different level, a higher level.

True story or not, it was one of the best books I have ever read.

I got back into Church and actually started learning there are bigger things out there besides me and my circumstances...

I stopped trying to control each and every single aspect of my life and over time I learned how to turn all of it over to Him.

I realized that the world does not owe me, my husband was not responsible for my happiness, I was...

I took back the control I gave over to him, control I didn't even know I had lost...

Slowly, time allowed me to take back my self-respect, my self-worth, my dignity...

Day by agonizing day, I rebuild a small piece of me that was shattered 18 months ago...

Some things I keep, some things I discard....

I add new as well as work on what needs to be polished.

I realized that God knows what it is like to suffer, He suffered more than any of us could even imagine...

I realized that in my self-centered, self-focused state, I could never fathom that any good could come from this, much less be worth it

I learned how to use this situation for good.

I use this as a way to consistently look for ways to glorify Him, to get closer to Him and ultimately to know Him more intimately than any other person I have known in my life.

He wants you to pick up your cross and follow Him, give up life as you have always known it to be and live His way, in it's place.

To carry your cross means to go against what "others" may think you should do and do what you know in your heart is right.

Just always remember that no matter how heavy your cross is, you are never, ever carrying it alone.

He is always right there with you, shouldering the weight of your burdens, the weight of your circumstances.

Just as He promised.

JEREMY CAMP
I've Faced A Great Tragedy
But Have Seen The Works Of What You Bring
A Display Of Faith That You Give
I Don't Know If I Will Ever Understand
The Depth Of What It Is You've Done Inside
But I Know I Won't Find Any Worth Apart From You

Time To Get Dressed

"Therefore Put On The Full Armor Of God, So That When The Day Of Evil Comes, You May Be Able To Stand Your Ground, And After You Have Done Everything, To Stand. Stand Firm Then, With The Belt Of Truth Buckled Around Your Waist, With The Breastplate Of Righteousness In Place, And With Your Feet Fitted With The Readiness That Comes From The Gospel Of Peace. In Addition To All This, Take Up The Shield Of Faith, With Which You Can Extinguish All The Flaming Arrows Of The Evil One. Take The Helmet Of Salvation And The Sword Of The Spirit, Which Is The Word Of God."

Ephesians 6:13-17

When this verse above was first mentioned to me, I admit to thinking I had to literally buy a suit of armor.

Clank around so I knew was protected, I have come a long way my friends. :)

Yes I am a dork...

I think "literally" when I hear something like "armor"...

Anyway, I am going to show you how to not only put on the full armor but to use it during your day so you are truly protected during any and all spiritual warfare you may come in contact with.

This way you will know how to come out victorious.

The Belt Of Truth:

The main weapon of attack from Satan is lies. His lies sound so truthful, however they are very dangerous to you as a servant of God.

He walks around just looking for a way to get in and destroy you...

Like a lion looking for prey.

Because we as a whole have become numb to sin, we don't even recognize it anymore.

So many things that used to be considered vial are now acceptable.

I am not a prude, by any measure, however even I am shocked at what I tolerate on a day to day basis.

Movies that promote violence, adultery, hate, racism etc...

Our children are no longer allowed to pray in school and you might just get hung (depending on where you live) if you even breathe the name of God out loud.

I am sorry but this isn't acceptable, this isn't how I want to raise my boys.

The only way to defeat these lies is God's truth.

Put on the Belt of Truth and turn away from the lies you have been fed.

The Holy Spirit, which lives within you will show you the truth no matter what circumstance you are in, just listen for His voice.

The Breastplate of Righteousness:

The breastplate is to guard your heart, the one place Satan loves to attack.

Your emotions, your feelings come from your heart and if he is able to get in and mess with those he is then able to mess with our lives.

By stirring up the emotions, he is taking you from Him, making you question your worthiness, thus making you a less effective servant of God, which is his goal.

When we feel unworthy, we are more prone to sin, we sin more, we fall further away from God...

It is a vicious cycle to be in.

You have to guard the righteousness He has given you in order for your breastplate to become stronger.

If your breastplate isn't strong and your heart takes a direct hit, you are then susceptible to temptation...

Don't give in, allow the temptations to build up your breastplate, with the full knowledge that God will never allow us to be tempted more than we can handle...

If cracks start to appear or your breastplate seems to be giving out, call to Him, He will show you a way out.

Shoes of Peace (Preparation for Gospel of Peace):

I know those shoes are hideous and I personally wanted to use a picture of black combat boots, however the voice of reason told me I needed to keep within what may have been worn back when this Scripture was written.

The Shoes of Peace are an important piece of the Armor that you put on each day.

The Gospel is a source of comfort in times of need, a source of joy in happy times, a source of hope in times of despair, the source of all the peace you seek can be found within the pages of His word.

To have true peace with our Father, we should be walking towards Him and running away from the sins of our past.

The Shield of Faith:

Out of all the armor I think this one is my favorite, especially since I deal with the "fiery darts" all the time and I am only now beginning to understand how to deflect them.

Satan uses arrows of discouragement, hate, insults, lies, doubts, fears, temptations etc...

We use the shield to block these arrows, to hide behind the shield knowing God is in control no matter how many arrows come your way.

When you reach the end of your rope, you have two choices, to trust yourself to continue on or to trust in Him to carry you through.

The trying of your Faith (your shield under attack) will allow you to learn patience.

The Helmet of Salvation:

This is something I am in dire need of, protection of the mind...

Satan can't force you to commit sin, instead he uses different tactics to get you to see that "sin" is better than what you are doing...

Your mind is what will decide if you commit that specific sin or not.

Jesus is the author of our Faith, our minds put it into action.

If we choose to live in sin, we are then mastered by Satan and our own evil wishes and desires.

The tactics Satan uses against us are designed to weaken our Faith...

He uses carnal temptations to lure you to his side...

Money, pride, sexual temptations etc...

He will do anything in his power to poison your mind and blind you to the truth.

The Helmet of Salvation is designed to give you peace from God which happens when you are focused on Him and not the world around you.

The Sword of the Spirit:

The Sword is formed by speaking His word.

Praying His word.

Singing His word.

Answering questions based on His word.

To use the Sword, you have to know the Bible as well as the context from where it was taken...

To know the Bible, you have to actually open it and read it, meditate on it and memorize it...

I pick out certain verses that sometimes are really short, however pertain to what I am needing that day...

You need to program your mind with His word and I will be the first to admit it isn't easy...

I can hear a song on the radio once and the next time it is on, I can sing it (scary I know)almost word for word...

I can't understand why Scripture gives me such a hard time, however that is a different post...

The Armor of God is based on Faith, Belief, Truth, Righteousness, Peace...

All things that each of us could probably use a little more of.

REVIVE
Don't Look Anywhere Else For Life
Don't Look Anywhere Else For Meaning
There's Nowhere Else To Find
Your Peace Of Mind
Cause I'm All You Need
And I'm All Yours

His Glory Shines

"Commit To The Lord Whatever You Do, And Your Plans Will Succeed."

Proverbs 16:3

I sat outside today...

I sat in the sunshine...

It felt like I was being embraced by Him...

Like a big warm hug.

And as I sat, I reflected on His glory and what it means to me.

I know my time here isn't going to last forever so I want to make each and every second count.

For Him...

Each thing I do from here on out I want to do in order to glorify Him.

He knows the plans He has for me and only now am I beginning to understand those plans.

He isn't going to hurt me, He doesn't want me to fail.

He loves me for me and wants me to succeed for Him.

Of course I wish I had a road map to my life so I could see just exactly where I have been, where I am going and where I will land eventually.

However, in His time, each little piece of the puzzle is being revealed.

By walking in faith, with trust in each thing He does, my life is going on a path I never expected...

A great path I may add.

A path that is filled with excitement, joy, trepidation and yes some fear.

I have always worried about being a failure...

Failing as a Daughter, a Sister, a Mother, a human being in general.

Now I have added failing Him to the mix.

Yet, He isn't allowing me to own that because the only way I can fail Him is to turn my back on Him and what He wants me to do with my life.

Glory comes from God...

Just Him, not man.

The beauty that an object possesses doesn't come from within that object, it comes from Him and what people fail to see is that you should be idolizing Him not the object.

You see it with supermodels, rock stars, sports figures etc...

Their beauty, talent, athleticism comes straight from Him.

People place their trust in earthly things, relationships, their own powers, their own beauty, the good they see in others and their own talents...

What they fail to realize is the glory you see in that will fade...

Then what happens?

People become despondent, they despair over losing that glory instead of realizing that His glory is everlasting.

The very source of all beauty can be traced directly back to Him.

The sunrise you were lucky enough to witness today, the rainbow at the end of a rain shower, that same rain shower, the smile on your child's face, the wildflowers growing in a field, a perfectly baked muffin, a dozen perfect red roses from your beloved...

Wherever you find beauty, you will find Him.

Wherever you find Him, you will also find His glory.

I keep missing this point because I put my faith more often than not, in myself, thinking it is better to be self-reliant.

It isn't, it is saying I don't trust Him 100% with every aspect of my life...

It is a way of telling me I haven't given Him everything, a way of telling me I still have work to do.

However when I do let go and let God, I see magnificent things happening within my life...

I see His glory all around me...

I see His beauty all around me...

I see it in the people on my path...

I see it in my big brother who just knows exactly when I need him without a word from me being said...

I see it in my sister in Christ who sends a virtual hug or just a message saying "How are you today"?

I see it in Tigger who is healing rather wonderfully regardless of what has happened in the past 18 months, my son with the most expressive eyes I have ever seen has empathy and he is caring and very compassionate and he laughs again, deep belly laughs.

I see it in my MIL who always seems to know when I could use her support.

I see it in new friends as well as old friends...

I may not live in a grand house filled with earthly things...

I may not drive a luxury vehicle...

I may not take vacations to exotic locations...

I may not be able to just take off and go shopping whenever I want at the drop of a hat, however I wouldn't trade any of those things for what I have now...

I would rather have His glory shine upon me than anything else I could possibly acquire in this world.

CASTING CROWNS
I'll Go, But I Cannot Go Alone
Cause I Know I'm Nothing On My Own
But The Power Of Christ In Me Makes Me Strong
Makes Me Strong

A Million Raindrops

"My Soul Finds Rest In God Alone; My Salvation Comes From Him."

Psalm 62:1

To anyone who knows me, they know of my love for the rain.

Rain is cleansing to me.

It smells better than almost anything else in this world in my opinion and I find it very relaxing.

There is something very comforting listening to the rain pour down.

I am learning tears are like raindrops that need to fall.

A gift of cleansing for my wounded soul.

I have shed plenty in the past 18 months, however sometimes it just doesn't seem like I have shed enough.

At other times it seems I have cried a million tears.

This season of my life, the journey He has me on right now, is welcoming through filled with confusion.

The road is uncertain, twisting and turning...

I go about my day, trying to find my way...

Wondering where I will land today.

Am I winning or am I losing?

Am I walking the path He wants me on or am I allowing myself to be steered off of it by man?

Am I truly healing or am I stuffing down emotions that need to be released?

Sometimes you just don't have the answers no matter how long you dwell on the question.

Some days aren't so good...

Some days end in anger, sometimes tears and quite frankly even I get tired of the roller coaster.

So I do what I always do, I stuff it, deep down where the pain can't be felt.

I know that isn't healthy either, however there comes a point in time within your grief and suffering where you just need the mental and emotional break.

Trust me when I say, it will be there tomorrow.

I have a wonderful though small support system that I have spoken about before...

Some of the people have known me a very long time, some are new...

It doesn't matter, what matters is I know I am "safe" with each of them.

He is the number one source of my comfort and my strength.

He is more interested in changing me than in changing my circumstances.

He doesn't take pleasure in watching me suffer or hurt, though He does get immense pleasure watching me grow spiritually.

He places people on my path to help with the pain, He places people on my path to help me grow and be closer to Him and He places people on my path to show me how to glorify Him in all that I do, no matter how big or how small.

When I joined the Church I am in, we had a 6 week class for new members, to learn about the history of the AME Church, to learn the ins and outs of the Church but most importantly we learned each sermon was going to based on the Bible.

Yes life may be thrown in there, however it is Bible based first.

At the end of the 6 weeks our Pastor did one of the classes and wanted us to pick any verse from the Bible that we liked and read it out loud.

I choose Matthew 11:28-30 which states "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

I then of course had to ask my Pastor what a "yoke" was...

Because you know exactly what I was thinking and yes it had to do with eggs.

Anyway, to take His yoke means to submit to Him...

He who is gentle, concerned and caring for us...

He wants you to put yourself under His leading, to join together with Him so He can give you the rest you are seeking.

The yoke with which you are tied to now is what is making you suffer, be it man, Satan, your own sinful nature - These are your masters, instead of Him being your only master.

The journey to become more Christ-like and less man-like isn't easy, however He never said it would be easy.

Each thing in my life that I viewed as weak I can now see as a gift from Him, including the tears I cry...

In order for the pain to be purged from my shattered heart for good, I may just have to cry a million tears.

He wants you to cry, He wants your tears and He wants you to know it is ok to cry to Him...

Some nights when I am sitting outside, peacefully with Him, the tears just start pouring down...

Technically nothing has set them off, yet there they are streaming down my face and finally I am accepting them as part of my healing.

NICOLE C. MULLEN
The Very Same God That Spins Things In Orbit
He Runs To The Weary, The Worn And The Weak
And The Same Gentle Hands That Hold Me When I'm Broken
They Conquered Death To Bring Me Victory

Caught In The Middle

"I Will Instruct You And Teach You In The Way You Should Go; I Will Counsel You And Watch Over You."

Psalm 32:8

I am still torn with the calling placed on my heart and it is no secret to those around me.

I am not a good public speaker, I am more withdrawn unto myself and don't really seek out people.

I have never been shy, however I do know how to actually speak and carry on a conversation without drooling on myself.

I am just not comfortable being the center of attention.

20 years ago, on my wedding day, our ceremony was taped...

If you ever have the chance to see it, once I walk up to the Altar, I am shaking the entire time and you can see it...

I look like I am having some sort of episode...

I haven't seen my baptism on DVD yet, however I am sure I look the same as I did on the day I got married.

Because this is something I feel very strongly He wants me to do, I also am quite confident He will take care of my fear of being the center of attention.

I am still wrestling with the utter thought of being a Pastor...

At least 6 years of school is ahead of me, a lot of sacrifice on my part...

To actually take the calling He placed on my heart and turn it into a reality isn't going to be a walk in the park...

You see I never, ever liked school...

You can go back to the beginning of my blog and that is apparent...

I skipped school every chance I got.

I just had zero use for it and now here I sit 22 years later actually excited to start school again.

There is also a tiny spark of excitement to do His will and take His word out to whoever needs to hear it.

I am thinking as I move forward, that tiny spark is going to grow into a bonfire of epic proportions.

Saturday night, the doubt crept in once again.

I sat outside on my bench that night, chatting with G and then had the urge to pray...

I laid my phone in my lap and just started talking to Him...

Eyes closed, I told Him my fears, I told Him what was hurting me that night and once again for the millionth time I questioned His call for me.

I confirmed that I knew He would open doors for me, however I was scared I wasn't going to go through the correct ones.

What if I fail?

What if I just can't stand in front of a Church filled with people and get the correct words out?

What if I run more people away than I bring in?

What if, what if, what if...

Blah Blah Blah...

Satan has a way of bringing us down at each and every turn if we let him...

And all I wanted was a sign that I was walking the correct path He wanted me to be on.

As I was finishing my prayer, my phone started going off, I ended my time with Him and took a look at my phone, thinking it was probably G wondering why I was no longer talking...

It wasn't, it was my sister...

It was actually a picture from my sister...

A picture a friend of ours had just taken...

A picture of a Cross that he felt compelled to take and have her send me right then and there.

Couldn't have a plainer sign than that.

CASTING CROWNS
With Eyes Wide Open To The Differences
The God We Want And The God Who Is
But Will We Trade Our Dreams For His
Or Are We Caught In The Middle