Serene

I have some thoughts to put out...

I have been feeling guilty because I have been thinking that I may not want hubby back (it comes and goes) if/when he does decide to pull his head out of his ass...

I think anger is starting to seep in...

I wonder how you can bail on your family after 20 years together with no regret...

No remorse...

No apology...

Then I wonder, if I do take him back (that would be if he wanted to come back), how would I even begin to know how to trust him again?

Who is to say this won't ever happen again?

I deserve to be happy...

I deserve to be 1st in someones life - My Pastor told me a couple of weeks ago that God doesn't want me to be 2nd...

I deserve better - You know why? Because I give better then this...I would never in a million years treat anyone the way I have been treated the last few months...

I would have walked a mile over broken glass for this man...Shouldn't he feel the same way?

What in the hell does she have that I don't?

I know you all don't have the answers but I need to get the questions out there...

This damn MLC is driving me insane lol...

Have a wonderful weekend to you all...

(((Hugs)))

BLUE OCTOBER
I Wanna Say Your Name
But The Pain Starts Again
It's Never My Luck
So Never Mind

Eating

So as many of you know, I basically stopped eating the last 2 months...

I am down almost 55 pounds...

I am 5'10 and weighed more then I should to begin with but hid it well due to my height...

Ok so since hubby and FT started, I lost my appetite...

Now the problem...I can't find it anymore...

My food for the day on a normal day...

2 cups of coffee about 6-8 bottles of water...3-4 Tums (heartburn) and maybe a beer (rare but sometimes it happens)...

See that - No food...

I am having trouble swallowing (get your minds out of the gutter)...

I can chew food but it is like my throat closes up and nothing will go down...

Anyone know how I can get past this?

P.S. - At least I don't wake and hurl anymore :)

SAVING ABEL
Returning Home I Find Myself
Wishing I Was Already Gone
But How Long Does It Take To Find Me
Well I'm Waiting For Someone

Dear God

A wonderful person I met in blog land told me to email Dear God letters...

In the hopes that I can get all of this off my chest and move forward...

I sent the first one yesterday...

Just a one-liner and the person I sent it to sent me a response from God that brought me to tears...

"I am here Serenity...You don't always know why something is happening but I know everything. You can't always see the tree from the forest, but I see the smallest ant in the forest and the largest galaxy in creation. You don't always see what tomorrow holds but I sculpt eternity in My hands. You don't always love yourself but I always will love you dearly. You don't always think you are special but I cherish you deeply. When you cry yourself to sleep, I sit next to you. I feel your pain and I count your tears. Nothing happens to you that I don't see, but I love you enough to let you fall sometimes. My sweet child, you are becoming a beautiful woman. Through the fire you will be purified. Through your pain, you become exceptionally beautiful to me.
Psalm 46:10 Be still and know that I am God.

I love you,
God

P.S. You might not believe me now, but you are good enough for Me. It is the world that isn't good enough for you.


There aren't words to express my gratitude for this email...This is a person who doesn't know me in real life...Just someone I met here who offered me their shoulder...Offered me words of comfort and the strength from them that I couldn't find within myself...I won't say who it was...I will just say thank you from the bottom of my heart...You truly are a wonderful friend :)

GOO GOO DOLLS
I Wish Everyone Was Loved Tonight
And Somehow Stop This Endless Fight
Just A Chance That Maybe We'll Find Better Days.

I Am Back

Hello to all..

I am back...Back to my blog...Back to my old job...Not back to normal but that will take time :)

I won't go into how I missed you all since you already know...I was looking at my last post and need to add a little to that...What brought about the leaving...

Nothing that I saw coming...

3 weeks prior to this, we had a bit of a row...

Starting the next day, he was back to his normal self (it seemed)...

Loving and kind and being a good Dad...

No fights, no more phone calls or texts in front of me - Nothing...

I of course knew they were still talking but since it wasn't being rubbed in my face, I was fine (hoping it would die out)...

We went about our days just like before...

He would go out of his way to seek me out when I got home or when he was leaving etc...

The day he walked me to my car, I was on the way to work and he had to go in about an hour later then me (so I thought)...

In the time I left and my SIL came back to the house to pick something up, (it was 1 hour later) he had packed and was gone...

I didn't speak to him until this past Saturday when he came by my work...I am at a loss right now as some of you know...

I have still been going to Church and counseling with my Pastor...

I am still on my meds (though double the amount I was on a month ago)...

There is still a sense of WTF just happened...

I still feel physically ill if I stop and think of the whole situation...

I put all my feelings in a box and now only let out a smidge at a time - otherwise I don't think I will survive this.

CREED
Please Come Now I Think I'm Falling
I'm Holding To All I Think Is Safe
It Seems I Found The Road To Nowhere
And I'm Trying To Escape