An Emotional Truth

"Finally, All Of You, Be Like-Minded, Be Sympathetic, Love One Another, Be Compassionate And Humble."

1 Peter 3:8

My heart becomes more tender, the longer I walk with Him.

I hurt for others, deeply, in a way I have never experienced before.

My family used to know not to mess with me, I was a class A you know what, however that was the old me, and truth be told, I am not sure I am a fan of the new me yet.

I was never cold as ice, however I wasn't approachable either.

I was self-involved, only caring basically about myself and doing the minimal for others, self-preservation if you will, hurt you before you could even get a chance to hurt me.

Being bi-polar allows me to explore deeply (sometimes too much) into the emotional aspect of me and because no one around me truly ever understood the turmoil that comes along with it, I hid behind a mask.

It is easier to slip it on in the morning then to face whatever haunts me, easier to wear it around others so I don't have to explain myself, my reactions, nor my emotions.

The tender-heart isn't new, just an expansion of the love He has for me.

I admit, I am ruled by emotions, because of/enhanced by having bi-polar and it is extraordinarily hard for me to lay aside emotions and look at the world with a different perspective.

But I have to, because it seems that the people who value their emotions over reason, are the people whose lives always seem to be in disarray and as a result, they are always giving themselves to an impulse.

Does this make me a wuss?

Sometimes I feel like it does, happy, sad, joyful, angry etc....

Circumstances, thoughts, situations, my past all have the power to lead me to feel a certain way, and I respond to that feeling.

True or not, rational or not, that feeling suddenly, "feels" the most powerful, and I respond to that.

How does this relate to my Faith?

In the first chapter in the book of James, it says that he who doubts is like a wave upon the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.

If you have been following me along for any length of time, I don't have to tell you how often I have felt just like that, at the mercy of my emotions, with no way to control where I am headed.

The one thing that can't ever be dictated by your emotions, is your Faith.

Emotions are only in tune to the immediate moment and the immediate need, they are illogical because they do not properly comprehend reality.

Your Faith should come as a means of your confidence in Him and in His word, your emotions are an extension of how you feel about that.

If you allow emotions to dictate your Faith, what happens when you have a good/bad day/season?

A good day - God is right here beside me, loving me etc...

A bad day - God hates me, He never loved me, He is punishing me etc...

See where your emotions are ruling?

I admit, I have done this, I did it a lot in the beginning of this journey, I would rage and cry to Him asking the million dollar question - "Why"

However, I am finally learning that my emotions, simply can not dictate His truth in my life.

I will have confidence in God’s faithfulness, the faithfulness He has to me & in the faithfulness He has shown throughout history.

I will cling to the truth of His Word, even when my emotions feel like doing the exact opposite.

AMONG THE THIRSTY
You’re The Wonderful, Counselor, My Friend
You’re What I Hold On To
I Know That You Brought Me Through
All The Days Of Loss And To The Cross, You Knew
That I’d Need A Savior

Revelation

"And God Shall Wipe Away All Tears From Their Eyes; And There Shall Be No More Death, Neither Sorrow, Nor Crying, Neither Shall There Be Any More Pain: For The Former Things Are Passed Away."

Revelations 21:4

The first book I ever sat down and read entirely in the Bible, was Revelation (not Revelations as some may think).

If that doesn't put the fear of God into you, I am not sure what will.

Demons and the Anti-Christ, lakes of fire, dragons, a woman, 666, Earth, Heaven and Hell brought together one last time for the final confrontation between good and evil.

The book is very intricately written, filled with a symbolic nature and very apocalyptic.

It is composed literature as opposed to spoken literature.

It was written by St. John and is the last book in the Bible.

To me, it was fascinating to read, as well as scarier than anything I have ever read.

It is also my favorite book in the Bible.

I have read the Psalm, I have read Proverbs, I have read James, Genesis and Job.

I am working on Hebrews and Ephesians and no, I don't know why I didn't just start at the beginning and work my way to the end.

It probably would have been easier that way, however when have you ever known me to take the easy route. :)

Many people read the Bible just to say they read it, however if you don't understand it and more importantly if you don't apply it, you are doing more damage to yourself in the long run.

You can't bring skepticism, and expect there to be a way to reconcile that with Christian theology.

You should bring an open mind, never coloring the theology with your own personal characteristics.

If at all possible you need to read the Bible as a truly independent reader, lay down what you have heard in your life, in your Church, from your parents, friends etc...

Approach it as a new book you just got from the book store, one that has sat at the top of the bestseller list, one you have been dying to read but just didn't have the time to do so.

Just open it up and read, doesn't have to be cover to cover, unless you start in the Old Testament...

Start with something beautiful ~ Psalm or 1 Corinthians or Proverbs or yes even Revelation.

Dont try to force it all in one sitting, nor try to make perfect sense of each book that you read, don't restrict yourself nor God that way.

From what I can gather, and sad to say, Christians are the most restricted Bible readers of all...

They have an almost neurotic need to see their theology reflected in every word and paragraph of every book of the Bible.

The consequences of finding something that contradicts their theologies are so profound and disturbing that they must close their minds to even the possibility that they may just indeed be wrong.

It's has to be all coherent and consistent, otherwise what have they built their lives on?

There seems to be an awful lot of tension here, tension between the need to respect the ancient collection of works and the need to twist it into something it clearly isn't, that is what makes it hard for Christians to read the Bible as it truly is.

The correct way to read the Bible, is without prejudice and you need to be prepared to let the passages that do not make sense, just not make sense.

Reading the Bible is like planting a seed.

You dig a hole, you plant the seed, you cover it up, you add water and you do the one thing I really hate doing -

You wait.

Eventually, if you continue to water it, it will bear good fruit, however it takes time.

Yes, there are inconsistencies and contradictions in the Bible and yes, for many, their faith will be shaken.

But the shaking of your faith is always a good thing, otherwise, how do you expect your faith to increase?

You don't get faith by believing things without questioning them.

I don't think God wants that.

That is not what Christians are supposed to do.

You faith increases when you are tested, when you withstand that test and when you overcome that test.

Whenever you even think you understand God, He will then throw you a curve, and you have to start at a new place, not necessarily starting over, because each testing of your faith is allowing some form of growth.

What is real about your beliefs, will be what survives, grows, flourishes and is then refined, what is not, is discarded.

Now, back to the book of Revelation.

Yes it is filled with an almost unnatural fear, this tremendous fear of hellfire and brimstone and judgement.

If you look past that, you will also see what I see, you will then know why it is my favorite book in the Bible...

A book filled with the promise of something new, a love, that no one will ever be able to even come close to matching, a home, more beautiful than you could ever imagine, a peace, that you have never even come close to knowing, everlasting life with Him.

MARVIN WINANS
Lord Help Me Keep From Breaking All The Rules
Give Me One Thing I Can Choose
Maybe Something You Can Use
Cause I’ve Only Tried To Live What I Believed
Never Looking To Get Off Cheap
This Is Simply Not My Best Me

An Extraordinary Day

"But I Have Trusted In Thy Mercy; My Heart Shall Rejoice In Thy Salvation."

Psalm 13:5

That was my prayer this morning as I drove into work.

I overslept, I didn't spend time with Him quietly like I would have liked, instead I was rushing around, throwing out my "Thanks", breathlessly asking for "guidance and protection", asking for Him to continue to light my path etc...

As I drove into work, I threw out a plea for an extraordinary day, a day free from pain and heartache, a day to get some form of focus back etc...

Focus is something I desperately need for work, since there are some big things happening there, (I am not at liberty to share yet) however you will know as soon as everything is said and done.

So I drove to work and asked for an extraordinary day, settled in to work and forgot I had even asked for that, until the phone rang.

It was my Dad, who I may add never calls anyone unless he absolutely has to.

My Sister answered the phone and I thought something happened to Tigger who is hanging with his Poppa...

I picked up the phone and the first thing he said to me was "I'm sorry".

I figured Tigger had gotten in trouble and Poppa had to correct him.

My Dad always tells me when Tig isn't listening and while he doesn't spank him, he still feels bad when he has to correct him.

So I am thinking, if my Dad is calling and starts with an apology Tig must be in big time trouble.

As I am going through a list of possibilities of what he could have possibly done, and believe me the list is long, (he may be 7, but he was put here to test every single ounce of patience I can muster up) he proceeds to talk, all I heard was the sheriff just left.

Well frick, "What did he do again", I asked my Dad?

He says "What did who do?"

Tig, what happened to bring the sheriff to our house?

Lower the gauntlet...

"He was here to serve you divorce papers."

He was kind enough to leave them with my Dad instead of coming up and serving me at my office.

I couldn't really hear anything after that because I could feel the blood rushing to my head...

I could feel the panic start to rise faster than it ever has done before.

The cold hand of fear sweeping across my chest as hundreds of images played within my mind, nothing but "what ifs" and "what nows" and "what used to be."

I hung up, most likely as my Dad was still talking and apologizing, and just sat here, waiting for the breakdown to begin, funny thing, it didn't come.

For 21 months I have dreaded this day, tried to avoid thinking about it, didn't want to face it...

That shouldn't come as a secret to any of you who have been following along.

But here it is, the greatest belief I ever held, gone...

My greatest fear, about to be realized.

Marriage, the greatest form of love He ever gave us, the one thing I was always proud of, should be sacred the second you begin to even think about it.

It shouldn't be treated lightly, it isn't like a car and 10 or 20 years down the line you see something a little more shiny, a little more flashy, a little less mileage on it and you decide that you want to trade in for the new model, or in my case an older model since she is a few years older than I.

Marriage comes with trials and tribulations, just like life, however you have one another to face them with, someone who is always on your side.

But what do you do when the person you count on becomes the trial and tribulation, the person you trust the most is the very person who threw you in the valley of darkness?

You place your hope next to your pain and then you decide which one is going to blossom.

Your Faith, that everything will work out according to His will, is what will be able to carry you through the darkest times of your life, knowing within your soul that no amount of pain will ever be able to overshadow the hope.

Hope ~ Green is the color , Iris is the flower.

Hope ~ Someone once said it was the hand of Faith being held out in darkness.

Hope ~ A belief in a positive outcome.

Hope, it lives within each and every single one of us.

You can have massive amounts of it, you can allow someone else to dash it, you can have someone else raise it up and then have someone else come along to toss it aside, what you can't have, no matter what you face, is hopelessness.

Because regardless of the trials and tribulations you are facing, you can't run and hide from them.

You stand, with Him by your side and hope in your heart and you face them.

That will be the only way you will ever overcome anything and learn in the process.

The day may not turn out the way you expected, the way you had hoped, however if you let it, regardless of whatever you are facing, it just may turn out to be an extraordinary day.

MATTHEW WEST
You're Starting Over Now
Under The Sun
You're Stepping Forward Now
A New Life Has Begun
Your New Life Has Begun

Facing A New Year

"It Is Of The LORD's Mercies That We Are Not Consumed, Because His Compassions Fail Not. They Are New Every Morning: Great Is Thy Faithfulness. The LORD Is My Portion, Saith My Soul; Therefore Will I Hope In Him."

Lamentations 3:22-24 

The New Year is just about upon us...

A time to reflect on the old, and look forward to the new.

A time to dust off old resolutions, a time to break out new ones.

A time to shake off unwanted, negative emotions and welcome new, energizing emotions.

I have always loved the New Year, something about possibly getting another chance to make it right, like when the Seasons change, something is stirred within me to make some changes.

I used to make the same resolutions each year and by the end of January, I would have broken them so this year I am not making any resolutions, instead I am choosing a word for the year, a word to grow in, ponder on, apply towards my daily life etc...

My word for the year is Fulfillment.

The Year of Fulfillment.

"Completed to perfection" is one of the definitions.

Powerful.

This past year has been hard.

HARD.

I have lost.

I have gained.

Until recently, the losses always seemed to overshadow the gains.

Am I out of the valley?

No, but I have a wonderful Savior walking ahead, behind and beside me so I am never alone in that valley.

There is a pinprick of light being shone in that valley, a sign that things are starting to turn around (I can't share yet but in time, I will).

Are they turning around the way I had hoped?

Not in my wildest dreams.

They seem to be turning in a way I didn't even imagine, much less hoped for.

My marriage (yes, I am still married), though I had high hopes that He would step in and "save" the day, it doesn't look like that is what His will is and while I am sad by that fact, the sadness no longers wears me down like an overgrown rain cloud on a Summer day, swelling with the rain it is about to dump into the world.

In the past few months I have come to the conclusion that the man I knew, the man I loved with every beat of my heart, the one I married in front of God, is no longer...

Yes he looks like my husband, my best friend, however something is different to make him the person he is today.

I pray for him, I wish him happiness in whatever he seeks, and yes a part of me still wishes he would "wake up" and realize what it is he is truly throwing away.

And no I don't mean me, I am not that narcissistic, I meant everything in general.

Would I like him to be on this path with me to share the highs and the lows, the joys and the sorrows?

Absolutely, he was the one in this world that I could always count on, the one I trusted completely, the one I could go to and share whatever was on my heart without fear of ridicule or judgement, however he isn't that person right now.

So, instead, I take it all to Him instead and because of that, He is showing me just how worthy I am, just how much He loves me, just how much He has in store for me and if I trust in Him, just how fulfilled I can be.

To be fulfilled in the Love of Christ is to not want anything, not need anything and not miss anything (I have said this once before in passing on a different post).

Think about it - To not want, need or miss anything.

To be so covered by His Grace, Love and Mercy, the things you thought you would miss or want or need aren't even on your radar anymore.

The primary goal is to be so filled with His love that there isn't any room for anything other than Him, no other person nor object that can catch the attention of my heart.

To be so enchanted by His love, I am lifted up and fulfilled, completely.

I look at it like a building a child would make out of blocks, with each block representing an attribute I want to expand in...

Faith, grace, hope, humility, love, peace, compassion, empathy, kindness, honesty, morally strong, fairness, open-minded, flexible, motivated, cheerful, thoughtful, considerate, courteous, devoted, forgiving, unselfish etc....

Each one representing what He puts within me and as each one grows, I become more fulfilled with where He has me at this moment in time, more fulfilled with my walk, more fulfilled with Him and His love for me.

Happy New Year to you all, may He bless over each and every one of you.

What is your word for the year?

Mish~Mash

"But Let The Righteous Be Glad; Let Them Rejoice Before God: Yea, Let Them Exceedingly Rejoice."

Psalm 68:3

I have decided to use one day of the week to play catch up on other areas of my life besides my walk and how it is affecting me in a day to day setting.

Contrary to popular belief, I do actually have a life outside of Church.

A life filled with people who amuse me to no end.

So I will use this day (whichever day it may be since I haven't decided yet) as a down day to fill you in on other things that are going on.

A day to show you the lighter side of my walk, the sense of humor He has and possibly a day to just unload a weeks worth of bits and pieces.

Christmas Eve ~ As most of you know (or maybe not, but you do now), my Grandmother lives with us, she is almost 90 and very set in her ways. She eats with certain silverware, drinks from the same mug each day, eats the same (gross) food combinations, very, very rarely does she venture from her comfort zone and the way I see it, since she has lived this long, leave her be.

She complains. A. Lot. About nothing, however again, she is up there so I just leave her be.

She never gets to leave the house (so says she, but this isn't true, we aren't in the habit of holding people hostage, she just never wants to leave), and she never gets to go to Church (again, this is wrong, she wants to go to a Baptist Church and we have offered to drop her off/pick her up etc...), so on Christmas Eve I found a midnight candlelight service and asked her if she wanted to go.

No it wasn't a Baptist Church, no it wasn't my Church, it was one up the street and she agreed to go.

I should have paid more attention to the word "contemporary" before the words "candlelight service".

She is older, doesn't hear well and refuses to wear her hearing aid, so since she can't hear she screams EVERYTHING.

We got all dressed up, got to the Church, sat down and waited...

She is reading the program and notices the Minister is female, which she announced to everyone within a 50 mile radius. (Yes, I am female, yes, I will be a Pastor and yes, she is proud of that, however the shock seemed a lot for her to actually see one in action.)

The Minister walked out and I swore my Grandmother was going to take a leave of her senses right there in Church.

The Minister was wearing a miniskirt and a sequined sleeveless top and she looked identical to my husbands' mistress...

I am talking mirror image people.

So my Nana (as we call her) is just watching, not noticing who the woman is at the front of the Church and I pointed out in her program that she was indeed the Minister and she says loudly (with a large amount of disdain) - "That is the Minister?" "Sheesh"

No tact my friends.

Hence the reason I stopped asking her to go to Church with me.

She is southern born, Baptist bred and has zero understanding of why I am in the AME Church, to hear her, sometimes you would think I was forced to join a cult.

She doesn't get how I became a member of a Church that isn't anywhere close to the Baptist roots I was raised with and she would prefer I was a member of a Baptist Church.

Since the mistress is Baptist, (no offense to any of you who are practicing Baptists), I want nothing to do with the religion I was "raised", however I can't say that to her without someone on the next block hearing it.

I love her and I am thrilled that Tigger is able to spend time with his Great-Grandmother, I just wish at times she would watch what she says and how she says it.
To listen to her at times, we are still back in the days of slavery and times haven't moved from then.

Things I don't want Tigger to know about at this point in time, it isn't that she is judging, it is just apparent she was raised in a completely different era then I was.

Which I may add is another reason I don't take her to my Church.

She is still of the "Wife in the kitchen, barefoot and pregnant" mentality, and has stated on too many occasions to count, that if I cooked better or kept a house in a different way, my husband wouldn't have left, I know that isn't true, however it can be a stinger if I allow it to be, I chose to not allow it to affect me.

I know she means well, I know she is heartbroken over what my husband has done and I know she wants the best for me in whatever I choose to do, she just sometimes has a funny way over showing it and a very loud way of expressing it.

So there you have it, my Grandmother in a nutshell.