12/2/10

The Great Deceiver

"Ye Are Of Your Father The Devil, And The Lusts Of Your Father Ye Will Do. He Was A Murderer From The Beginning, And Abode Not In The Truth, Because There Is No Truth In Him. When He Speaketh A Lie, He Speaketh Of His Own: For He Is A Liar, And The Father Of It."
John 8:44


When I was thinking of this post last night, I wondered what pictures I would use as a base.

I try to make sure the song, pictures and Scripture all interlace with what I am writing about, so as I perused for pictures of Satan, I came across some horrific images, images I didn't want to be seered into your minds, so I choose to go with just different images of objects on their own.

Today I want to talk to you about Satan, the Devil, Lucifer - Whatever you want to call him, makes no difference to me, what matters to me is you understand what I am going to be saying for the next few minutes as you read this post.

He walks with us each day, standing there, tempting you, tempting me, deceiving, distracting, however the power he has, is as limited as you make it.

What's that?

Yes, the power he has over you, is given to him by you.


Scary isn't it?

What is even more scary is that people give more allegiance to the prince of darkness than to the Prince of Peace.

Why is that?

Because the way of sin is so much fun, therefore you are, in turn, giving Satan what he wants.

I am not going to lie, a life filled with the maximum amount of sin is much more fun than a life filled with minimum sin.

Cursing vs no cursing, drinking vs no drinking, drugs vs no drugs, multiple sexual partners vs no sex at all, doing whatever your little heart desires and not worrying about any consequences vs doing what is right.

Sidenote - I recently watched a movie and in this movie was a man called Pontius Pilate...

Some of you know the name, for those of you that don't, Pontius Pilate was the Roman prefect, or governor, of Judea from 26 to 36 CE. Pontius Pilate was officially responsible for condemning Jesus to crucifixion, though he "washed his hands" of the matter, passing blame onto the Jews.

As I watched this scene in the movie, I saw this man torn, utterly torn, by the decision that was placed in his hands (of course I already knew the outcome) and I sat and wondered what would have happened had he done what was "right" instead of what he was being lead to do.


Satan tempts, yes, however ultimately it is your decision to fall into that temptation - Free will my friends.

You can't go through life, doing whatever you dream up of doing and then turn around and blame Satan for it, it doesn't work like that.

He will contain you though, contain you within your mind with thoughts, worries, fears...

His job is to keep you stuck, right where you are.

Just when you think you are moving past the chains that bind, a thought creeps in, a memory, a voice, something that whispers "you can't" or "you are no good" or "you never could" etc...

Instead of moving past the voice of doubt, you give in and most likely say to yourself, "They are right, I can't" you question why you even thought you could become better than where you are at this very moment in time.

His job is to contain you, you are just making it easy for him by falling for it.


This wasn't an easy lesson for me to learn and just last night I saw where he was once again using my own fears against me.

My fear of speaking in public, or more so, praying in public.

Once again I was called on last night at Bible study, only this time I was asked to pray for the Church leaders, I was like "Huh", you want me to pray for who?

I could feel my throat start closing up and the cold hand of fear creep across my neck, I prayed silently to Him to give me the words before I even prayed out loud because, yes I am that blond :)

The prayer I was forming in my head was nothing like the one that came out of my mouth, as usual I spoke to fast and to quiet, however once I was done praying, I got a revelation in my mind, it isn't praying out loud that does me in, it is praying for a specific subject at the drop of a hat with no time to prepare.

If someone asks me to pray for them, I can prepare a little bit before I go into prayer, not with notes or a pre-written prayer but I at least know the subject I am raising up to Him.

When called upon and given a subject with no time to think about it, I lose my concentration, plain and simple and that is what Satan wants...

He wants me to fail in this area so I give up and question, once I question that, it is only a matter of time before I start questioning each and every other aspect where my life is concerned....

Like a tiny snowball, starting at the top of a tall hill, pushed down, until it reaches the bottom and when you see it again, it is a giant ball.


He is here to rob you of your most precious possession - Your eternal life as well as your future as a Child of God.

He doesn't come announced, wearing a flashing neon sign above his head that states, "I am here to corrupt you", no sir, he is much more subtle than that.

He comes in the form of selfishness, vanity, pride, envy, arrogance etc...

He is looking to turn people from the truth as well as from the life that will bring them true happiness, through Him.

When you fall victim to his schemes, you are bound up, contained within the walls, exactly where he wants you.


He will use any means necessary to keep you from moving forward in the Love of God.

He will allow you to go a little forward because he knows you, he knows how you think, he knows how you react to situations thrown your way, he knows what your deepest fears are, he knows your failures, your weaknesses and he will use all of them against you.

Where is one of the most general forms of  deception found?

Religion.

We have all heard of the Priests that like to touch little boys/girls, the Ministers who care more for the money the Church brings in then the souls that are being saved, the Pastors who drive $85,000.00 cars while many sit in their pews hungry and cold etc...

The Bible warns of these practices - 2 Corinthians 11:13-15 - For such people are false apostles, deceitful workers, masquerading as apostles of Christ. And no wonder, for Satan himself masquerades as an angel of light. It is not surprising, then, if his servants also masquerade as servants of righteousness. Their end will be what their actions deserve.

"Satan himself masquerades as an angel of light", that right there should scare you.

"Feel good" Churches scare me, Churches that have a minister at the helm, only preaching what he thinks the body of the Church wants to hear, instead of preaching what is in the Book.

The Bible calls this false doctrine.


Next form of deception - Lust...

Our human nature is filled with vanity, jealousy, greed, and lust.

He can and will take advantage of that tendency and weakness in each and every one of us. He will send temptation through the media...

Movies, television, magazines, books and the Internet as well as through impure and greedy individuals.

Lust, greed, coveting - These are all sins and you need to avoid each of them at all costs.

Lying, another form of deception, as stated in the Scripture I used at the top.

Satan is the king of all lies.

Another form of his deception comes in the way of dreams, visions, miracles etc...

The occult, is a popular fascination amoung our culture.

I, for one used to be drawn to it, magic, witches, spells, Satan himself...

Deuteronomy 18:9-12 - "When you enter the land that God, your God, is giving you, don't take on the abominable ways of life of the nations there. Don't you dare sacrifice your son or daughter in the fire. Don't practice divination, sorcery, fortunetelling, witchery, casting spells, holding séances, or channeling with the dead. People who do these things are an abomination to God. It's because of just such abominable practices that God, your God, is driving these nations out before you."

There was a time, back when I was using heavily, that I owned the Satanic Bible, I read that book over and over again and was completely drawn into the promises the author was making...

Lord have mercy.


Next up on the train of deception - Good ole bitterness...

If we don't be careful and watch our feelings, we can become bitter...

Maybe someone hurt you, maybe someone offended you, if you don't watch your feelings the hurt can turn into a grudge, once the grudge is there, we begin to entertain feelings of revenge, if you allow those feelings to fester, oftentimes it turns into hate, the hate will than turn into bitterness.

As a Child of God you have got to look within, identify and then overcome any and all feelings of bitterness and hate.

As a Christian, you need to pray for your enemies, bless the ones who curse you, because that is what He would do and that is the only way to overcome the attitude of bitterness and hate.

In due time, He will exact whatever punishment is needed on the ones who sought to harm you, don't take those matters into your own hands.

Since this is fast becoming my longest post, I will leave you with one more deception from Satan...

Lack of Faith.


One of the greatest examples of Faith in the Bible, to me, has got to be held by Job...

The man suffered, deeply, at the hands of Satan, yet held onto his Faith, regardless of what circumstances he was facing.

He lost everything, yet by keeping his Faith, in the end he was blessed with twice as much as he had lost.

He faced all of his fears with prayer, which is what each of us should be doing.

You should be praying for intervention as well as for His protection, each and every single day.

By lacking Faith, you allow the door to Satan's deception to be open, and if you continue to lack Faith in Him and instead trust in Satan, you will ultimately be destroyed.

Revelation 21:8 - "But the fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death." 

I don't know about you, however that doesn't sound like anything I want to be a part of.

He wants you to be Faithful to Him, a trusting son or daughter, He will give you His Faith, if you turn to Him with all your heart.

Surround yourself with the Spiritual knowledge He has provided you with, continue to stay wrapped within His word.

Avoid at all cost, self-deception, the deception of the world and the deception of Satan.



KUTLESS
There's So Much I Could Say
There's So Much That I've Learned Don't Make My Mistake
There's No Time To Delay
Take My Hand And Learn From My Heartache



12/1/10

The Walking Wounded

"Lead Me, O LORD, In Thy Righteousness Because Of Mine Enemies; Make Thy Way Straight Before My Face."
Psalm 5:8


I know it has been awhile since I posted and I am okay, thank you for your emails of concern as well as the messages on FB and Twitter.

It isn't that I don't have anything to write about, because I do, it is just at this present time I am feeling a bit overwhelmed.

The holidays are upon us and while I normally love the holiday season, I am not into it.

I miss my family.


I am a big "traditions" person.

There are certain things I put out for the holidays, certains foods we always have, the smells are there, the chill is in the air, wood on the fireplace etc...

Except I don't have any of those things for the 2nd year in a row.

I don't even have my oldest son with me.


The divorce is killing me, I will admit.

I still do not believe in it, I still believe reconciliation is what He would want before a divorce is done, however I wasn't offered that chance.

So I fight, I fight each step of the way to ensure my boys and I are protected, I fight the injustice that has been thrust upon us, I fight the legal system, which is a joke, I fight to keep my name and reputation in tact, I fight to put food on the table, I fight to save any amount of money so that maybe, at this time next year, we will have a place of our own.

I'm tired of fighting.


I feel like I have been at war for the past 2 years, each and every belief I have ever held onto has been tested, my Faith almost shattered, stressed to the complete maximum.

Since February 2009, I have lost more weight than I ever thought possible, I barely sleep a full night, even 2 years later, my hair has fallen out by the handful, I clench my jaw when I sleep now, so tight that I have broken a couple of molars, I wake up in a foul mood and most nights I go to bed in tears.

I wander the house in the early hours of the morning, when all is quiet and sane people are sleeping, I look over little man, so peaceful, barely a clue as to what is really going on and I question Him, yes I question Him, a Pastor to be who still questions "why."

Why He gave us these 2 children, only to have their lives ripped apart.

Why He allowed us 21 years together, only to have the past rip us apart.

Why wasn't my husband stronger?

Why was Satan allowed to win this time?


That is what it boils down to, Satan won this round.

Right now, he owns the soul of my husband and I can't play in that field any longer.

The more I ask "why", the less answers I get.

No matter what I read, what I pray or who I ask, I won't have the answer, not at least in this lifetime and that is a hard pill to swallow.

I am a factual person, besides my walk with Him, I have to see, to touch, to smell in order to know it is there in front of me.

I know if I ask little man "why" he didn't do something in school, I will get a response, I know if I ask my Mom "why" over such and such, I will get a response, I can ask any of you "why" and will also get a myriad of responses, but all the "whys" I am asking now are only bringing the sound of crickets.

As if ripping the rug out from under my life wasn't bad enough, I am not worthy of an explanation either.


During the course of trying to recover from infidelity and abandonment you are taught to keep a PMA - Positive Mental Attitude - Yes the walls of your life are crumbling around you, yes you are losing everything faster than water slipping through your hands, yes your ego and your mental health are taking a beating, yes your spiritual and physical health are also in danger...

But hey, keep on smiling.

There are days, I don't want to smile, I don't want to have a PMA, I don't want to see anyone, I don't want to pray, I don't want to have Faith in Him, I don't want to have hope that this is what is "best for me", I don't want to hear anyone tell me that I need to "let go" or that "enough time has passed" or my favorite "you need to start dating"...

Some days I want to cry, some days I want to rage, some days are good, some days are bad, some days I can go through each of these emotions in a matter of minutes, that doesn't mean my meds need to be adjusted, it means I am trying to come to terms with what has been handed to me on a silver platter.

If you have not walked a mile in my shoes, you don't have the right to tell me how to handle it, plain and simple.

I am not being mean or hateful, this is just my opinion.


There is no time-line to getting over it, at least not one that I can find, there are triggers that bring all the emotions rushing back in the span of a heartbeat and once all is said and done you are left standing there wondering what in the world just happened.

Do you really think any of us want to be in this situation?

Questioning each and every single move we have made in the span of 10, 20, 30 or more years worth of marriage.

The answer is no.

No one I have met, who is walking this same path, asked for it...

Regardless of what kind of spouse you were or weren't, (depending on who you ask) you don't deserve this.

How you respond to it though, will define you, the true you that has most likely laid dormant for years.


Once the affair is brought to the light, you will face a mountain the size of Everest, the outright lies, the hatefulness, the blame, the wishy-washy behavior, the threats, blackmail, restraining orders, court orders, lawyers, children used as pawns, gaslighting, paranoia etc...

You may face all of these, or if you are lucky only some of these, yours truly has faced all but one on that list and I am still standing.

I face this mountain each morning I wake up and yes, there are days I don't want to look at it, I want to wake up from the nightmare, I want to open my eyes, be back in my old house with both my kids and the husband I used to know, however burying your head in the sand isn't going to make it go away.

Welcome to the land of the walking wounded.


2 years later and I am still a bit shell-shocked, still a bit foggy myself, still wondering if this is all just a really bad dream, still wondering how I never saw "this" person, beneath the man I used to know.

You will never realize how strong you are, until being strong is all you have.

I didn't and I didn't get to this place alone, by His Grace and Mercy I had an awful lot of help along the way.

I have a support group that I wouldn't trade for anything, I have a Church family where most of the time I feel welcome, I have my family, I have some very, very dear and close friends, I am not alone, even though I tried to go at it alone in the beginning.

Don't make the same mistakes I made, you have but one life, make it all about Him and what His blessings are for you.

You may be a member of the walking wounded, however you are never walking alone.


JEREMY CAMP
All This Time I've Wandered Around
Searching For The Things I'll Never Know
I've Been Searching For This Answer
That Only Will Be Found In Your Love
And I Feel It, My Heart, Is Being Mended By Your Touch
And I Hear It, Your Voice, That's Shown My Purpose In This World

11/16/10

I Missed The Memo...

"If The World Hates You, Keep In Mind That It Hated Me First. If You Belonged To The World, It Would Love You As Its Own. As It Is, You Do Not Belong To The World, But I Have Chosen You Out Of The World. That Is Why The World Hates You."
John 15:18-19 


I missed the memo...Stating that the life of ministry would be a lonely one.

I find it ironic that He called someone who has barely spent a second alone, to do a work, that seems to get lonelier by the day...

I have also noticed that the only thing lonelier than be alone, is being lonely when you're not alone.

Not only that, but to take a people pleaser such as myself and push her towards one of the most overwhelming callings to have pretty much blows my mind.


I missed the memo...Stating that I would lose the majority of friends I do have, as well as some family members once I accepted this calling.

Since I have stopped hiding the plans He has for me, people have stopped hiding how they feel about the plans He has for me.

I used to be able to count on 10 hands how many people would be by my side if I wanted to go out and party...

I can count on one hand how many people are by my side if I ask them to join me at Church on Sunday or Bible study on Wednesday or Homeless feeding on Tuesday.


I missed the memo...Stating people would be downright hateful upon hearing you are becoming a Pastor.

Wow, for someone who wants everyone to like them, this one has been hard for me.

People who "knew me then" and people who "know me now" seem to think my life is fair game for judgement.

It isn't.


I missed the memo...Stating that you have to be "perfect" to be a Pastor.

Newsflash, no one on this Earth is perfect, we can strive for it, yet we will never achieve it on this side of life.

If you or someone you know, thinks they are perfect, I am here to tell you that you/they are delusional.

People who think they are perfect tend to hoard a sense of superiority over anyone they are in contact with, because they can't stand to not be the center of attention.


I missed the memo...Stating that this road would involve an enormous amount of emotional conflict within myself.

The nature of a Pastor is to care, be compassionate, be loving, be sensitive & be kind.

With each person I pray for, with each person that comes to me in confidence, I take on their momentary burden, and yes, it does affect me emotionally.

If I allow callousness to prevail and allow my emotions to be protected, I won't be able to do what He wants me to do.

In order to feel their hurts and share their burdens, I will be emotional from time to time.


I missed the memo...Stating that Satan would come after me with everything he has, in order to turn me away from God.

I could do post after post on this subject alone.

Day in and day out is a spiritual battle for all of our souls, not just mine...

The ones that do as he wishes them to do, (ie: the ones of this world) don't have it as hard as the ones who turn away from this world to do His bidding.

The second you denounce living in "this" world, Satan has your name and will come after you like a pitbull after a bone, never, ever giving up.

If he can get you to turn away from Him...

He wins.


It seems I have missed an awful lot of memos over the past 2 years, heck over the past 6 months, I do, however know of a few memos I didn't miss...

His to me.

He will always fight for me, - "The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still" - Exodus 14:14

He knows what is around the corner - "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" - Jeremiah 29:11

He goes, before I go - "The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." - Deuteronomy 31:8

He will always light my way - "You are all children of the light and children of the day. We do not belong to the night or to the darkness." - 1 Thessalonians 5:5

He will always, always love me, no matter what - "I love those who love me, and those who seek me find me." - Proverbs 8:17


MATTHEW WEST
Now You're Here And Everything's Changing
Suddenly Life Means So Much
I Can't Wait
To Wake Up Tomorrow
And Find Out This Promise Is True
I Will Never Have To Go Back To
The Day Before You  

11/12/10

The Purest Form Of Pain

"Turn To Me And Be Gracious To Me, For I Am Lonely And Afflicted. Relieve The Troubles Of My Heart And Free Me From My Anguish."
Psalm 25:16-17 


The pain of infidelity, abandonment and betrayal, cuts deep, to your very soul.

Not only do you have to go through the grief process of the betrayal and infidelity, there is a separate process for abandonment.

When an important relationship ends without shared grieving and without mutuality in the decision to split, abandonment happens.

If someone you love has left you with little or no warning, it can open wounds that reach all the way back to childhood.

If you have abandonment issues in your past, your current experience can bring up feelings you may have buried long ago.

This is a very frightening, painful experience that cuts to your very core.


I have spent 21 months working on these issues, working on forgiveness, trying to accept the pain of non-acceptance.

When bad things happen, people most likely will fight the reality of it.

This takes a lot of energy and results in a lot of pain.

This energy and suffering is in vain because we can never escape what has already happened.

I know that him leaving me had much more to do with him and his issues than it did with me, still that thought doesn't lesson the blow.

It isn't something I can say to my 7 year old and expect him to be okay with what his Dad has done.

Personally I thought I was doing pretty good with all things considered, how wrong I was and it all shattered around me on Wednesday night.


This past week has been an emotional roller-coaster for some reason, I have felt on edge and weepy and we all know I don't "do" weepy well.

There hasn't been any contact between him and I for almost a month, for whatever reason he has conjured up, I cease to exist now and that has been a hard pill to swallow.

When I say no contact, that is exactly what I mean, no checking on Tigger, nothing about Eeyore...

21 years of marriage, contact every single day, now if I was on fire on the side of the road, I think he would cross just to avoid wasting water.

Wednesday nights are looked forward to, Bible study (even if the Pastor calls on me to pray out loud), it comes right in the middle of the week, breaks up the work week.

This past Wednesday, I just didn't have it in me, I went to Church and sat in the parking lot, texted G and told him I was just sitting there in the dark, staring at the Church and quite honestly what in the world was wrong with me this week.

I debated going home, yet knew I had to go in, if nothing, then just to be in His presence...

I opened the back door, and something took over me, I walked straight to my Pastors' office and told him that even though we have Bible study, I just couldn't, I needed to be alone with Him and could I please just sit in the Sanctuary, alone for awhile.


"What's wrong", he asked, "Nothing" I replied, I just need to be with Him, there is that look of concern he seems to wear whenever I come around lately, "You sure"?

"Please".

"Go on in, close the door and take all the time you need".

As I closed the door to separate me from the participators of Bible study, I walked into the darkened Sanctuary, the only light, a dim spotlight over the pulpit, no noise, perfect...

I sat in the front row and stared at the pulpit, knowing I would be up there in due time and I tried to focus on that, the air around me became so thick, I could hardly breathe, my heart felt like it was going to pound out of my chest and the tears came...

For 50 straight minutes, I cried...

For the complete loss of the dreams I had for my marriage, about our relationship and where it was heading, and losing this dream has been a rude & frightening awakening.

The pain was so intense, I didn't think I would be able to get past it...

Almost as bad, if not worse than when the affair was finally brought to the light, just a pure, white, hot pain from deep within...

So I started talking to Him aloud, in the hopes that the sobbing would subside and I wouldn't end up in the mental ward anytime soon.

And in between gasping for air, blowing my nose, wiping my eyes, I poured it all out, the anger, the sadness, the feelings of self-doubt, the shattered ego, the worry, the utter fear, the thoughts of cutting again, the thoughts of using again, anything to self-medicate and make the time just freeze for a few hours.


As I sat there, paced there, prayed there and walked there, something shifted, in the air and in myself, the air wasn't quite so heavy, I wasn't quite so heavy within.

I felt peace, the peace I had been seeking all along.

He was there, there is no doubt in my mind, His house, His child, crying out to Him, begging Him to please make the hurt go away.

In my purest form of pain, I found His comfort, His strength and most importantly His love.

Next thing you know, I heard voices, I forgot the back of the Church was filled with people...

I went to the restroom, what a mess...

Mascara running, face red, eyes puffy, so I waited until I didn't hear any more chatter before I left, basically because I didn't want anyone to see me and as I opened the door, the first person I saw was the Pastors' wife...

She looked at me long and hard, walked over and hugged me, whispered in my ear "Everything will be alright" and didn't even ask what was wrong, I asked her to thank the Pastor for the time he gave me and I finally went home.

Am I better today?

Yes, after another breakdown yesterday, and a few choice words from G, I know I will be okay, I know this isn't about me, I know when my divorce is final, He will forgive me, I know He has greater plans for me.

I know finally what this means ~ Philippians 4:7 And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.


TENTH AVENUE NORTH
'Cause This Is Not About What You've Done
But What's Been Done For You
This Is Not About Where You've Been
But Where Your Brokenness Brings You To

11/10/10

Just A Song

"Save Me, O God; For The Waters Are Come In Unto My Soul."
Psalm 69:1


I am sinking in the river that is raging.

I am drowning.

Will I ever, rise to breathe again?

I wanna know why.

I just wanna understand.

Will I ever know why?

How could this be from Your hand?


When every little thing that I have dreamed would be, just slips away like water through my hands.

And when it seems the walls of my belief are crashing down, like they’re all made of sand.

I won’t, let go of You now.

because I know, oh, You’re not shaken.


I am trembling in the darkness of my own fear.

All the questions with no answers.

So grip me while I’m here.

And I may never know why.

Oh I may not understand.

But I will lift up my eyes,

and trust this is Your plan.


When I am in the valley

of the shadow of death

You’re not shaken

You’re not shaken

You're right here beside me and

You have never left

You're not shaken

You're not shaken

By Phil Stacey


Ever have just one of those days where nothing seems to come together?

No matter how hard you try, no matter how hard you pray, no matter how hard you hope, everything just feels like sand slipping through your fingers.

You try to catch your breath before the next wave threatens to overtake you, yet it feels like there isn't enough time to take a deep one, you are tempted to just give in, let the waves thrash you about, tossing and turning you, letting you land wherever the water chooses to spit you out, thinking that perhaps, just today, the waves are a better choice than the fight it takes to stay above them.

That is the kind of day I am having today.


MICHAEL W. SMITH
Maybe You're Wondering Where Love Is
You May Feel It's Far Away From Here
Maybe You're Wondering Where I Am
You Might Be Surprised To Find I'm Near

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