Trapped

"And He Said To Me, My Grace Is Sufficient For You, For My Strength Is Made Perfect In Weakness. Therefore Most Gladly I Will Rather Boast In My Infirmities, That The Power Of Christ May Rest Upon Me."

2 Corinthians 12:9

I told my sister this morning I feel like I am trapped in a funhouse from which there is no escape.

Trapped in a room of mirrors, never quite sure what my reflection is going to reveal.

I can say all the right things, I can do all the right things, however what matters is how I feel inside...

Inside I feel dead.

Trapped, agitated, not quite sure what the day may hold, guarded to the people that come around and rattle my cage.

I liken it to an animal that has been beaten over and over again until they are afraid of anyone who comes around them...

They shake and cower in a corner, terrified of being struck again.

It could take you years to get that animal to trust you and it may never happen.

I see Him, reaching out His hand, I want to grab onto it and never let go of it...

For whatever reason, something is holding me back from grasping it completely.

I know what He wants me to do, I know how He wants me to feel...

He knows I am struggling badly lately, I wish He could tell me why.

I find myself locked in my own private world lately...

I function, I speak, I do what I need to to, yet I still feel trapped.

A tug of war going on within me...

A spiritual battle, torn between what I want to do and what I need to do...

I need His strength to come through this battle, yet I can't quite bring myself to ask for it.

CASTING CROWNS
I'm Trying So Hard
To Stop Trying So Hard
Just Let You Be Who You Are
Lord, Who You Are In Me

Introduce Your Deliverer, To Your Destroyer

"But I Say To You, Love Your Enemies, Bless Those Who Curse You, Do Good To Those Who Hate You, And Pray For Those Who Spitefully Use You And Persecute You."

Matthew 5:44

One of the hardest things to do, "love your enemy."

Forgiveness, bitterness, revenge, hatred, anger all pretty much go hand in hand...

To live as He wants you to live, His word states you have to love your enemy.

By disobeying Him and not doing as He states, you fall from Grace.

When you fall out of Grace, you find yourself in territory you know nothing about.

You are now open and ripe for the enemy to attack.

When you disobey God, nothing in your life is calm...

There may be times when you are obeying Him and things still aren't calm, however that will change in His time, when it pleases Him and no sooner.

The battle raging in your life isn't yours...

It is His, He will change everything once you introduce Him to the things that are destroying you.

He is the deliverer and you will have to suffer for His namesake.

He will bring you so far down and make you so weak that you have no other option but to call upon Him.

That is how He wants you...

Broken, crushed, aching, in pain, scarred, shameful etc...

He wants you as you are.

Not perfect, not only when you are happy, not only when things are going wonderfully in your life...

As. You. Are.

Anything in your life that seems to be "against" you should be taken to Him.

Show your destroyers what He can do with your heart, even as they are stepping on your back.

The battles that are raging within you, can't be won by you.

Until you give complete control over to Him, they will continue to rage on.

Recently I have had some unsettling things happen within my life, yes on top of everything else that is going on around me.

People talk, they don't always have nice things to say.

Word has gotten back to me about some things being said in my Church about me.

Hurtful lies.

Not only am I being lied about, there are other people who have been dragged into the mess...

Why?

The only reason I got was, "You are too nice to everyone."

Wow, I didn't know that was a sin.

So once again, I went and asked Him, why I have been planted in that Church?

It is apparent to me, I am not very welcome by some of the other members.

I only feel that the Church He guided me to, is where I need to be at this time in my life.

I don't know why, I don't know for how long, all I know is this is where He wants me.

I took those destroyers to Him, as He is my deliverer...

He knows what has been said, He knows the truth, He knows it has hurt me.

I have realized that what my Pastor told me so long ago is now coming true...

The closer you draw to Him, the more the enemy is going to attack you.

AMY GRANT
Beautiful The Mess We Are
The Honest Cries Of Breaking Hearts
Are Better Than A Hallelujah

Fight or Flight

"For I Am The Lord, Your God, Who Takes Hold Of Your Right Hand And Says To You, Do Not Fear; I Will Help You."

Isaiah 41:13

Living life through a filter of possible danger is stressful.

What you perceive as danger and what I perceive as danger are two different things.

Each of us has our own thought process, our own fears, our own worries.

What triggers my "fight or flight" response may not even ruffle yours.

Once triggered, my "rational" mind ceases to exist.

Fear takes over and I can't survive or function in even the basic set of circumstances...

Making clear choices is no longer feasible because I am focused on short-term survival.

When I become overwhelmed with excessive stress, my life seems to take on a series of short-term emergencies.

I can't relax, live in the moment, nor enjoy anything around me.

It feels like I am living from crisis to crisis with no sign of stopping on the horizon.

One spiral after another, like something out of a nightmarish fun house, from which there is no escape.

Down and around, with no end in sight.

Inevitably, I will crash and burn, anyone who lives like this can't survive going on all cylinders 24/7.

The design of the fight or flight response, is just that....

Will you fight or will you flee?

It is there mainly to push you into survival mode when there is a physical threat to your well-being.

Your life is in danger, real danger , it kicks in.

However on a daily basis, toxic stress hormones are released into our bodies, setting off the fight or flight response.

Once the response is triggered, in order to turn it off, the threat must be eliminated, only then can your body and mind return to a calm state.

I learned this once I started getting panic attacks...

Because the first one scared me so bad, I learned all I could and set about avoiding anything that would set another one off.

I haven't had a really bad one in quite some time, however I have had quite a few in the last few months.

Anything or sometimes nothing at all can trigger it...

You could be at home, in the store, in Church, playing with your kids, driving, even sleeping...

It always starts with a tightness in my chest, a cold that sweeps over my entire body, my breath starts coming faster, my stomach is one big knot, throat closes up and panic kicks in...

Tears are next and breathing becomes shallower, I can't get air in fast enough...

Every fiber of your being is screaming at you to fight or flee, yet you can't, you stand, frozen in suffocating terror, knowing this is the moment in time, death is upon you.

That is a normal one for me, it will last about 10-20 minutes, during which, time stands still.

Once all is said and done, I am beyond tired, all I want to do is sleep for hours and hours.

I used to get these every 2 or so days...

Until I figured out what was going on, I thought I was either dying or losing my mind.

The quickest way to bring upon unnecessary stress for me is "mind-chatter"...

An endless stream of constant self-talk, incomplete thoughts, guilt, shame, blame, frustration, doubt, worry, helplessness, hopelessness etc...

Now in order for us to survive, our mind is always "on", looking ahead, seeking and scanning for possible threats to our well-being, whether they are real or perceived.

These thoughts will interfere with your relationship with Him.

Your walk with Him will lose focus, become less fruitful, which in turn leaves you open for the enemy to swoop in and wreck havoc on you.

Your greatest battle in your walk with Him?

Your mind.

Our minds are wicked, easily lead astray, deceived, depraved, worldly and they create constant inner conflict.

If you are not in control of your thoughts, they are in control of you.

The thoughts, that play like a scratched record over and over in your mind are robbing you of His peace.

By practicing regular prayer, meditation, reflection, pondering, studying, contemplating and thinking, it teaches you to quiet your mind, to identify with your thoughts and it will clear your mental way to God.

You can't hear His "still, small voice" if it is being drowned out by endless chatter.

If you stop and think about the times throughout your life that you have truly sought Him, your greatest inspirations, answers and peace came when it was a time of quietness, stillness and openness.

We need to take the time to "be still"...

I haven't had a moment like the one described above since I put this into practice.

There are days when the panic seeps in, today was one of those days, however I stopped and had some help shifting my focus back to what is the most important in my life...

Him.

STEVEN CURTIS CHAPMAN
Be Still And Know That He Is God
Be Still And Know That He Is Holy
Be Still Oh Restless Soul Of Mine
Bow Before The Prince Of Peace
Let The Noise And Clamor Cease

Voice Among The Nations

"This Is How We Know What Love Is: Jesus Christ Laid Down His Life For Us. And We Ought To Lay Down Our Lives For Our Brothers."

1 John 3:16

Voice Among The Nations

You Are Not So Small

For Now You Know I Have Called You

To Stand So Strong And Tall

Voice Among The Nations

You Have The Words They Need

To Bring Water To The Thirsty Souls

The Hungry Hearts To Feed

No More Hiding, Precious Child

I've Called You To The Light

You Shine And Bring Such Comfort

You Are Beautiful In My Sight

Voice Among The Nations

Speak Loud, And Strong, And True

Your Voice Will Not Be Silenced

For I Am Leading You!

I still cry each time I read the email that contained this poem.

My sister in Christ RW wrote it for me.

Thrown together through tragedy, bound together, forever, through Him.

Each time I stop and think of all the new people He has placed on my path, I am more humbled than I ever thought possible.

My Sister, My Friend ~ I thank you, for everything.

MICHAEL W. SMITH
So In The Valley Walk On
Don't Have To Face It Alone
Cause In The Hard Times
We Keep Growing Strong
As We Learn, As We Live
That We Live When We Give

Sticks And Stones

"But No Man Can Tame The Tongue. It Is An Unruly Evil, Full Of Deadly Poison. With It We Bless Our God And Father, And With It We Curse Men, Who Have Been Made In The Similitude Of God. Out Of The Same Mouth Proceed Blessing And Cursing. My Brethen, These Things Ought Not To Be So."

James 3:8-10

Everyone has heard the childhood chant, "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."

This is a lie.

Words hurt.

How you put forth what you say, can make or break a day for someone.

The Bible states that the tongue can be one of the most deadliest weapons.

Not a knife, not a bomb, not a gun...

Your tongue...

"They Sharpen Their Tongue Like Swords And Aim Their Bitter Words Like Arrows" - Psalm 64:3

"Their Tongues Sting Like A Snake; The Venom Of A Viper Drips From Their Lips." Psalm 140:3

Each and every one of us is guilty of not holding our tongues...

People hurt us and out first instinct is to lash out...

Most of the time, it will start with a word, could be a barrage of words as well.

Instead of thinking before you react, you open your mouth and out comes a tongue lashing to the one who hurt you.

I am guilty of this as well.

I have always been the type of person who speaks before I think.

You know the type, the words are coming out faster than they can reel them back in.

I have been practicing the act of thinking before I speak.

If you see my mouth moving before words come out, it is because I am asking Him how to respond.

It isn't an easy task and I will admit, I fail more than I succeed on this one.

I wasn't raised to be a doormat, however somewhere along the way I have become one...

To each person in my life, somehow, someway, I have been a doormat.

Of course I never stopped to look at it that way, I just saw it as treating people the way you want to be treated.

You should be kind and caring...

Decent and compassionate...

Honest and loyal...

Loving and trustworthy...

The attributes I put forth are the same ones I want to see from those around me.

For the past 16 months, I have been demonized by the one person I always thought would protect me...

The one I pledged my life to, is the one who hurts me the most with his words.

Even though I have had time to put walls into place to protect myself from his spew, they are very fragile walls that he knocks down each time I hear from him.

Could be a word, could be a bunch of words, however it always ends the same, me in tears and full of anxiety.

Treat people the way you want to be treated...

Drilled into my head for as long as I can remember, thinking of course everyone was raised this way.

I know his parents, I know his Mom better than I know his Dad, however they never raised him to be this way.

Threats, ugly accusations hurled, blackmail, harsh words, lies,...

None of these are ingrained into someone, they are a learned behavior.

So what happens when you come up against someone you love and they speak to you in this manner?

I used to scream, yell, cry and I have been known to throw things as well.

I always let my anger get the best of me.

Now I try to breathe, I try to ignore, I try not to respond.

And now I try to remember the most important thing...

He is standing right next to me...

He can hear each and every word coming out of my mouth.

Try to think if this is something you would say to Him, before you say it to someone else.

Or think "Am I comfortable saying this knowing He is standing right here, next to me?"

Rather than focusing on what the person has said to hurt you, ask Him what you need to work on in your own life, let Him deal with them.

As my Dad is forever telling me, "Two wrongs don't make a right."

This has nothing to do with being a doormat and everything to do with being how He wants you to be.

Treating people, all of His people, how He wants you to treat them, not how you want to treat them.

T - True
H - Helpful
I - Important
N - Necessary
K - Kind

Think before you speak, you never know who is listening.

NEEDTOBREATHE
Though It Might Be Painful
You Know That Time Will Always Tell
Those People Have Long Since Gone
My Father Never Failed