2010 - Long Post

A new day, a new year, a new decade and a new beginning.

I for one am happy to let 2009 go...

It holds to many bad memories for me though where there is bad there is also good.

I have met so many new people through my blog as well a couple of various other places online.

I have a Church to call home and a Pastor I absolutely adore.

I finally found my walk however still looking for my purpose...

I have grown in Faith...

I have hope for a brighter future.

I lost a lot in 2009, not just material things, I lost my way and I lost myself.

My husband threw away a 20 year marriage for another woman.

Not only was another woman thrown into the mix, he also became cruel and
heartless in the space of 11 months.

As of this past Friday (yes New Year's Day) he has decided to cut off all financial
support for me and the boys.

I stood by and took whatever he threw at me.

As I continued to stand taller, he continued to sink lower.

He re-wrote our whole marriage to suit his new life.

He stopped being there for our boys emotionally, mentally, physically
and now financially.

He demonized me, lied about me and dragged me through the mud on his
journey to a life he felt entitled to have at the expense of anyone standing in his path.

He hurt me more then words can ever describe.

He betrayed me in a way I would never have expected.

The pain and agony I have lived with in the last 11 months is something I
would never wish on my worst enemy.

Because of his actions, I was thrown into the ultimate tailspin...

I couldn't find my way out of the valley.

I contemplated suicide on more then one occasion.

I self-injured more times then I care to count.

I cried, raged, fell to my knees time and time again only to get right back up,
I blogged and wrote until my fingers hurt, I moaned, whined, screamed,
spiraled into an emotional black hole, I prayed, bargained, begged all to no avail.

I still have a lot of fight left in me however I am redirecting it -

For myself - For my boys.

I have learned I am a better person because of this trial.

The trials, troubles and tribulations of the past year have given me strength I never
knew I could possess, patience I never knew I wanted and clarity to do the right thing.

There is still a teeny piece of me who is in disbelief about all that has transpired
however eventually that piece will have the same strength the rest of me has.

The day he cut us off financially was the day I reached my breaking point.

Today I removed my wedding rings.

Today I removed the suffocating guilt I wear around my neck.

Today I asked for a little more strength for the coming days.

I had to re-evaluate my beliefs -

I still believe in the sanctity of marriage, I believe in hope, I believe in love,
I believe in having honor in all you do, value for yourself above all others,
and morals you can live with each & everyday.

Everyone should have beliefs, common decency, ethics, morals, goodness,
honor, integrity, honesty, principals, standards & values.

I never compromised my integrity, my principals or myself.

My love for my husband never wavered until the day he took from my boys.

That line in the sand can't be erased - Those true colors can't be taken back.

He would prefer we starve and live on the streets then to take care of what we built
so very long ago.

He compromised himself and his common decency and I will no longer be dragged
down with him.

So I put my pride aside and I will be filing for a divorce - Even though it goes
against my beliefs, I have to believe in myself a little bit more.

I deserve to be treated with respect and kindness not hate and bitterness.

I will continue to forgive because that is a gift I give myself.

I will continue to walk forward because my present and my future are
a million times better then my past - Something my husband could never wrap
his mind around.

My blessings are out there somewhere and I am on a journey to find them.

Today I no longer settle for silver - I am looking for gold - (Thank you Gracie).

Will it be easy?

I doubt it however life was never promised to be easy.

Will there be tears along the way?

No doubt about it - however tears are a way to cleanse the soul.

Will I falter along the way?

Absolutely - However I have Him to pick me up and set me on the right path along the way.

I will never be alone again.

I will never again be a doormat for anyone on the face of this earth.

I will never again walk on eggshells for anyone at anytime.

I will never allow a man to take so much from me again.

I will learn that I am worthy - And anyone who comes around is lucky to know me.

I will learn to nurture my self-respect and self-esteem and never allow someone else
to do it for me.

That is my new beginning - My wish for 2010.

CASTING CROWNS
I Was Sure By Now
That You Would Have Reached Down
And Wiped Our Tears Away, Stepped In
And Saved The Day
But Once Again, I Say, Amen
And It's Still Raining.

He Spoke

I have had a crappy weekend...
Not to go into detail let's just say Eeyore has been giving me the worst time
since his Dad bailed.
He pushes the envelop each and every single day...
Sometimes I wonder if he gets his jollies to see how far he can break me.
He doesn't listen to me, he curses at me and basically I am the bad guy
because of what his Dad has done.
I should have fought harder to get him to come home,
I should tell him what he should be doing as far as his family is concerned,
I should divorce him etc...
Day in and day out I hear from my sweet little boy turned angry teenager
about what a piece of crap I am and how I can do no right.
It is heartbreaking to me to see his anger and know there isn't a damn thing I can do about it.



Tigger on the other hand is just sad...
He asked me 2 nights ago if his Dad had died and I was just keeping it from him.
How do you even answer something like that.
Do you know why he asked me that?
Because his Father hasn't talked to him in almost a month.
Because his Father hasn't seen him since July.
Please someone explain to me how you can do this to your child?
Please someone explain to my why my Husband sent me an email this morning
saying he wanted to see Eeyore after Christmas but not Tigger?
So today I have been so very sad and torn on what to do.
I had to apply for friggen food stamps because my Husband wants no responsibility...
I have never in my life been more mortified then I am right now.



My morning has been filled with heartache...
Tears have been brimming and I feel like I am fixing
to be swallowed up into a sea of nothingness.
I go and read about my bloggy friends and see Alicia needs prayers
and support for her SIL...
I see people hating Christmas (no names mentioned)...
I see sadness and heartbreak all around...
I see no joy in what should be one of the joyous times of the year.
I open my email and see the sweetest email from Gracie.
She has always sent me wonderful Bible verses just when I need them most...
She always has a kind word for me...
She has had her fair share of trials and tribulations this year and still
manages to make me feel worthy...
God spoke to her this weekend -
She shared what He said with me and with that email, the tears that
have been threatening to fall finally fell.
Gracie my friend - You will never know how much you touched my heart.
You will never know how much your words and kind gesture ment to
me in a time when I needed it the most.

He spoke to you.
I was the one who needed to listen.

Third Day
In Our Lives There Is Bound To Come Some Pain
Surely As There Are Storms And Falling Rain
Just Believe That The One Who Holds The Storms
Will Bring The Sun

Happy New Year...

Yesterday the New Year started for me - Yes it was news to me to.

As I sat in Church listening to my Pastor explain that we were going into the Season of Advent starting yesterday, I sat there thinking "What the heck is going on"?

Being raised a Southern Baptist is different from being a practicing member of an AME Church and I am still very new therefore still learning.

So as I said - My New Year started yesterday - Happy New Year to me :)

The only thing I knew about Advent is the calender with chocolates behind each date...

So what is Advent you ask?

Advent is a season of preparation...

What are we preparing for?

We take this time to give Thanks for His first coming and prepare for His final coming.

It begins the 4th Sunday before Christmas (yesterday) and ends on Christmas Eve.

There is an Advent wreath (no idea where I get one but I am looking) and the wreath holds 5 candles (one for each Sunday in Advent as well as Christmas Day)...

3 of them are Purple. (signifying solemnity & royalty)

1 is Pink. (signifying Joy)

The center one is White. (signifying the Birth of Christ)

The first Sunday of Advent one of the Purple candles is lit - To remind us that we are waiting for our Good Sheppard.

The second Sunday of Advent - Purple is lit again - To remind us we wait for Forgiveness.

The third Sunday of Advent finds us waiting for Joy so the Pink candle is lit.

The fourth Sunday of Advent we light the last Purple candle and we focus on the coming of the Son.

The fifth candle is lit on Christmas Eve - It is the White one and it is to celebrate the Birth of Jesus.

I love this - Absolutely love this...

Celebrating what the true meaning of Christmas is and not by how many presents are under the tree -

Now if I could get my kids to go along with this lol.

I will be back tomorrow and let you all know how court went (last Wednesday).

In the meantime, hug someone next to you.

MICHAEL W. SMITH
I Can Hear Your Voice As You Sing Over Me
It's Your Song Of Hope Breathing Life Into Me
I Can Feel Your Touch As I Come Close To You
And It Heals My Heart, You Restore & Renew

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday period....

I don't like how commercial Christmas has become (though I do enjoy the meaning of Christmas), I don't like Halloween and I have no use for Valentine's Day (never have).

I have always loved Thanksgiving...The sights, the smells, the food, the togetherness of families.

It marks the beginning of the holiday season to me.


My Dad always makes turkey on the grill along with all the fixings - Mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, baked mac-n-cheese, green beans, squash, rolls, pumpkin pie, cranberry sauce etc...

I don't work on Thanksgiving and normally don't work the day after because my Mom, Sister and I do the Black Friday shopping....

Yes we are those people who get up and are out of the house by 3:30am to shop...

I love Black Friday Shopping.

These past few months, I have been dreading the holiday season.

I have been thinking I want to just crawl in a hole until January because quite frankly I was thinking I didn't have much to be thankful for.

However I have been thinking the last few days and I have a lot to be thankful for.

I have wonderful friends, wonderful family, a wonderful Church family, a roof over my head, food on the table and clothes on my back.

I am Thankful for the situation God has placed me in because He has introduced me to things within myself that I never knew existed.

I am Thankful for all my bloggy friends who keep coming back, keep sending me encouraging messages and who are just there for me...

I love each and every one of you and I wish you a very Happy Thanksgiving.

Be Safe.

JOSH GROBAN
So Tonight We Pray For
What We Know Can Be.
And On This Day We Hope For
What We Still Can't See.
It's Up To Us To Be The Change
And Even Though We All Can Still Do More
There's So Much To Be Thankful For.

A Birthday & A Fight

Today is my niece's birthday ~ She is 7 and very girly, girly...

She loves makeup and frilly crap...

I love her to pieces and I most especially love to torment her...

She doesn't like to be teased and me being me, well I like to push her buttons...

It doesn't normally take long before I set her off and before you say I am evil, you should see her when she goes off...

If I ever need a laugh, I know where to get one.

She is the epitome of a drama queen...

Once she gets going man there is no stopping her and well I find it funny.

This morning my niece and Tigger ran to the car (we drive them to school).

These 2 are 6 months apart and you would think they were brother and sister the way they fight and argue sometimes -

This morning being no exception.

They both got to the truck, grabbed the same door handle and the proceeded to scream at one another (it is 8:15 am so you know the neighbors love that).

"I get in on this side"

"Let go of the door"

"Get in on the other side"

"MOMMY!!"

"MOMMY!!"

My sister and I are just standing there watching it all unfold because quite frankly we are sick of their bickering...

Next thing you know they are in the middle of the lawn FIGHTING.

You would think we were living in a trailer park the way they were going at it, looked like midget wrestling right there on the front lawn.

My son has my niece in a headlock, she is trying to punch him, arms are flailing about, legs are being thrown all over trying to land some kicks in...

My sister and I just stood there watching them...

She looked up and we locked eyes and then....

We both just started laughing our butts off.

Happy Birthday Monster Princess -

Regardless of how the morning started, I hope you have a wonderful day today.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR MONSTER PRINCESS
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!
XOXO