I Can't Stop Reading

Good Morning All...

Normally I don't post on the weekend since Sunday is my only day off and it is usually filled with things to do that I didn't get through with the past week...

I work Mon-Sat and I am again at work now however I stopped for a moment to peruse different blogs and make some comments here and there...

I noticed on my dashboard that I had a new follower so I thought I would check the blog out...

After reading the first post, I knew there was a reason he found his way to my blog so I in turn could find my way to his...

The blog is by Louis and this just restores my faith that there is a reason that everyone comes into your life at the moment that they do...

It may be for a short time or it may be for a lifetime however there is always a reason...

What can I learn from each of you?

What can you learn from me?

What can we learn from each other?

I hope you take a moment to go visit his blog and really read and think about what he is saying...

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend!

Be safe!!

NICKELBACK
Believe It Or Not, Everyone Has Things That They Hide
Believe It Or Not, Everyone Keeps Most Things Inside
Believe It Or Not, Everyone Believes In Something Above
Believe It Or Not, Everyone Needs To Feel Loved

Eggshells & Prayer

See those up there....

They are called eggshells...

I walk on them throughout my day...

All day...

Every day....

I thought about this when I drove into work this morning....

I can't just get up and go about my day oblivious...

I gauge everything...

I worry about everything...

Somewhere along this path, I went from a person who had confidence...
I had self-esteem...
I was strong (some may say bitchy)...
I couldn't care less what others thought of me...
I had no problem telling you what I thought of you or your actions....

Now I walk on eggshells with everyone around me...
I don't speak my mind (perfect example - I get a deli sandwich at Publix about once a week and have been for about a year - The girl there still puts the wrong ham on every time I order and I have still yet to say anything..I just take my sandwich and eat it as it) because I fear what others may think...
I don't look in the mirror because I am not proud of what I have become...
I don't like the haunted, empty look in my eyes that I see staring back at me....
I don't look people in the eyes anymore when I am talking to them...
I look at the ground...(Why??? They aren't any better then me)
I avoid people as much as I can...
I can stand in a room with 100 people and feel like the only one there...
I don't go out of my way to do anything except escape within myself...
I am so worried about hurting other peoples' feelings that I have now taken to just ignoring them or saying the minimal amount possible and then scurrying away like a little mouse...

I am happiest alone with nobody around and that kills me because I am also saddest when I am alone...


Alone...

There are no eggshells...

Just my racing mind and fleeting thoughts.

Here on my blog, I can lay out whatever I want and you guys are so supportive and sweet no matter what I put out there...

I know some may not agree with me however even then you are nice about it...

Here there are no eggshells and I am not a doormat...

Here I can be my real self and say what ever I want to say...

I can say why I am having a bad day or how I feel at any given time during the day...

Here I can bear my soul and say I feel like a crappy friend, wife, mother, daughter and you aren't judging me...

Here I can say I hate taking meds and you aren't pointing fingers at me (telling me to get back on my meds) every time I try to say something you don't want to hear.

Here I can tell you I have had such a bad week that I now have a Dr.s appointment on 04/30...

The last 3 days I have felt like I am in constant panic...

Here I can say that even my relationship with Him is fragile...

I still walk on eggshells as I pray...

Can God even be offended by what I pray about?

Is He offended when I sit in my garage (I like my garage - it is quiet) and rage inside at Him because I can't bring myself to rage on the outside to anyone else?

Is He offended I can sit in a church parking lot but still not bring myself to go inside even though every fiber of my being is crying out for something - anything?

Is He offended that I have turned out this way?

Did He make me this way?

Did He know I would go from a strong confident woman to a maniacal mess in a matter of months?

Is this a test to see how much I can take? If it is I think I am failing...

Does He know I sit here and look out my window and see what a beautiful day it is outside and the rain has stopped and everything is green yet inside I am still black and gray and stormy?

Does He think I can make it through this? If He does, I think he picked the wrong person...

I am so close to the edge and I can't even began to tell you how that makes me feel.

I just hope and pray that if I go over the edge, He will also catch me before I fall otherwise I may not survive the fall.


LINKIN PARK
Sometimes I Remember The Darkness Of My Past
Bringing Back These Memories I Wish I Didn't Have
Sometimes I Think Of Letting Go And Never Looking Back
And Never Looking Forward So There'd Never Be A Past

Man-isms

I know my blog is usually not chipper and it is full of my ramblings as I try to deal with my inner demons however I wanted to get a couple things off my chest -

What I call man-isms...Things I (think) know damn well men invented/thought up to torture us...

First up - My SUV (Yes I know it isn't good for the environment - don't judge)...I love my car...I love being able to get into it and just going and I love that it does what I want when I turn the key so imagine my surprise when a light (that is confusing to look at so must have been invented by men) came on the dashboard 2 days ago...Of course I could have looked in the book to see what the light ment however I (being smart) told hubby last night (yes I forgot about the light being on for 2 days) I needed a new windshield...He asked me if mine had become cracked or if I was in a wreck and the windshield broke and I just neglected to tell him (I am not that blond!)....I told him no...The windshield was fine but the light was on showing me the windshield needing replacing....Here is the light...It is the top one...




I thought that since it was on and it looks like the windshield, it was telling me I needed a new windshield...After claiming to myself to be real car smart and telling hubby this he proceeded to go look at the light himself (after telling me there isn't a car out there that would tell you that you need a new windshield and if it indeed did that, it would have to be possessed by Christine)...Turns out I need windshield wiper fluid, not a new windshield....(Now I see how it looks like liquid and not instructions on how to remove the windshield)



Next up....Self Hair Removal....99% of the time I use a razor always have however not to long ago I got the bright idea in my head to try out wax (you know someone ie: man was hating us when this was invented)....As I get a bit older I have weird stray hairs coming from weird places (like my chin and big toes - get your minds out of the gutter) so I bought this wax which didn't really need to be heated (and smelled like chocolate!) and figured I would start on a small area (toes)...No big deal..I do have 8 tattoos what is a little wax?....Put it on and waited the amount of time before I pulled off the strip and then proceeded to fall right the hell out of my chair onto the floor with instant tears in my eyes - HOLY CRAP...I felt like the top layer of skin was GONE! I looked to see if there was blood gushing out of my foot onto the carpet (there wasn't)....The hair was gone...My youngest was cracking up at me and I swore that wouldn't happen again...I would just shave - More power to the ones out there who go for the "Brazilian"...There isn't enough money in the world for wax on my nether region!



"Have a Happy Period"?...This couldn't have come from a woman (I am sure it could have however I have NEVER met a woman who was happy at this time so therefore a man must have come up with this line)....You are bloating and crampy and bitchy and pimply and your chest hurts and your back hurts and you are weepy and you feel gross and you are rage filled and you are looking for chocolate like a bear foraging for food in the woods or you want a complete salt lick sitting by you at all times or hell sometimes both at the same time and you feel like people hate you and you want to curl up into the fetal position in a corner somewhere and just cry like the little girl you are for the next 5 or so days....WTH is so happy about that? Do you really think a pad can change all that? Is this a magical pad? Does it have magical powers in it that will just seep into my skin and make me "Happy" again? There are even e-cards to send to your friends telling them to have a "Happy Period"....Please don't bother to send me one of these because at that time I am most likely to slap the taste out of your mouth and then go back to my chocolate.


The exercise ball (another invention a man had to have a hand in)....I have one of these...I have used it 1 time...I was so excited to get this...I wanted something to do inside when it is raining outside or later on at night after the boys are in bed...It came with a DVD hosted by a sadistic woman who hates me...The first (and only time) time I popped this into my DVD player, she was so nice...She welcomed me to where ever she was (on a mountaintop) and she encouraged me to work out with her...The beginner workout would be a fun way to get into the program and she would be there along the way with me....I was stoked! I pumped my ball up...Threw on some shorts and proceeded to stand beside her while she showed me what to do...She gracefully (with her thin tanned self) placed the ball between her legs and showed me how to roll down it...I (not so gracefully with my not so thin, not so tan self) placed the ball between my legs, tried to roll down it and proceeded to shoot it out behind me, broke the table lamp shade and busted my head on the floor...She is mean and I hate her.

I am convinced that I am....

Not smart when it comes to cars....

Not "man" enough to wax...

Not happy when it is that time of the month...

Not graceful (ever)...

I do seem to have some days where I swear the universe is against me and I know if I actually took the time to think (as if I need to think anymore) about the moment at hand I could probably figure a lot of this out on my own however I am always in a hurry...Because my mind likes to race 24/7, I feel like I am forever playing catch-up...I am trying to slow it down day by day and some are just better then others.


Today seems to be a good day...
I haven't offended anyone (the day is young)...
I made it to work without a tire falling off of my car or my engine blowing....
I haven't hit anything...
I haven't yelled at anyone today...
The rain has (finally) stopped...
I have accepted that the house I was looking at wasn't ment to be (and then found out there were 2 separate shootings in that neighborhood not long ago)...
I have accepted that in order to do this not medicated, I need others along the way and you are all the "chosen ones" (I know you are thrilled beyond belief!)
Today I took note that you are all here for a reason (I firmly believe that) whether you are helping me on my journey or I am helping you...
Today I won a makeup bag that I have been eyeing for awhile...
Today I thanked God for the good and bad in my life - and I ment it....
Today is going to be a good day.


GREEN DAY
So Make The Best Of This Test
And Don't Ask Why.
It's Not A Question
But A Lesson Learned In Time.

Contest

Mrs. Realife is have a wonderful blog makeover contest since she hit 200 followers...See her button over there?
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Click it....Go visit her...Enter the contest! Good luck!

Be back soon :o)

CRAZEE TIMES.....

Ok BF....You have less then 8 hours (maybe - depending on your time zone) to go visit Juls and get Crazee with her...Come on...Go...Leave my blog and hop over to hers...Go Go Go!!! You will maybe (if you are lucky) get a prize! Who doesn't loves prizes??? Go get Crazee in her Crazee giveaway!!!!