Always, He Is There.....

"The Lord Your God Is In Your Midst, A Mighty One Who Will Save; He Will Rejoice Over You With Gladness; He Will Quiet You By His Love; He Will Exult Over You With Loud Singing."

Zephaniah 3:17 (ESV) 

I don't know about you, however, there are moments in the day when I wonder if He is there.

Usually it is just a "bad day" in general...

One of those days when you cannot get your hair right, you smudge your make-up as you are putting it on, your car keys have been sucked into an unknown abyss, you burn the toast, the coffee is weak, you finally get out the door ten minutes late, and then hit every red light between your house and your office, etc...

We all have days like this and if you do not, count your blessings right here, right now.

I try to seek ways to stay positive, however, I will admit that there are days when I just want to curl into a ball in the corner and have a good cry.

I want to step away from everything and just be alone for a few moments in time.

I need solitude just to "refresh" so I am at my fullest capacity for all that I know I need to be doing.

I am stretched to my limit on most days with work, school, Church, conferences, meetings, parenting, the "never going to end divorce" and I just recently found out I will be starting additional school, classes that are required by the demonination I am in...

Three additional years, on top of full time seminary.

I feel like I am going to break on any given day, seeking perfection in each thing I need to do and never quite achieving it.

So I run to Him, seeking guidance, strength, wisdom, love, and all the other things only He can fill me with.

Yet, I find silence at times and that fills me with dread...

"Are You there?" I ask the void...

"Am I doing all that You want me to be doing?"

"Am I doing it the right way or am I failing even You?"

I call out to Him, because there is no one else I trust, the way I trust Him.

Is He there though, when I do not call out to Him?

That is the million dollar question.

As I came out of Service today, I walked with my prayer partner to the car...

I had some things I needed to give to her, so we walked along just talking about the upcoming week, the service that had just ended, when we were going to meet up for coffee, etc...

Idle chit-chat between two friends.

Not paying attention to where I was walking, my foot hit the side of a rock and I fell, hard, right on my hands and knees.

It did not take more than 15 seconds, yet, in those few seconds, I knew He was right there.

There I was, in a dress, heels, tights, crouched on the sidewalk, as my Church and the Church across the street was being let out.

Mortified does not even begin to explain how I was feeling at that moment.

She helped me up and over to the car as I surveyed the damage to my knees.

One knee was just sore, the other though, the skin had broken open right underneath my kneecap and it stung like a hornet.

(A tribute to my southern roots right here) I removed my shoes, as well as my tights, as I stood on the side of the car... I saw, as well as tasted blood (seems I bit the inside of my lip in the fall) ICK.

She walked with me as I hobbled barefoot, back into the Church, to get myself cleaned up...

Thankfully there were only a few people hanging around and I did not have to explain in great detail why I was bleeding, as well as barefoot...

Only to one of the men that is always there (he helped clean up my knee and bandage it,) as well as my Pastor ~ Figures they would see what a complete dork I am.

You see, in that fall I fully realized that He is always there, whether I cry out for Him or not.  (You have got to truly grasp the word that is underlined)

He sees me on the ground, He knows I am hurt, and He is right there...

I am His daughter and He is my Father and He does what any parent would do when their child is hurt...He runs to them, regardless of whether they are crying out to Him or not.

I told my Pastor earlier this past week ~ "Even though for the past 3 years I have felt like a part of me had died, I am alive because of Him... I don't need to seek my validation from "man,"  my worth will never be found in "man," "man" cannot heal me, He is the One doing it, no one will ever love me the way He does, and He loves me for who I am, in this exact moment in time."

Even when I am curled up in that corner, bawling my eyes out, He is right there in my midst singing over me, quieting me with His love, rejoicing over me with His gladness...

As much as I love the people He has placed on my path, today I realized He is the only One who can do all this.

Remember, He is always there, He is the One that will always care, He loves you for who you are right now in this very second, and He is the One who will pick you up, dust you off, and set you upright when you stumble and fall.

 ONE SONIC SOCIETY
You Are Here, You Are Here
In Your Presence I'm Made Whole
You Are God, You Are God
Of All Else I'm Letting Go 

"The Healing Has Begun"

"I Will Praise You In The Great Assembly. I Will Praise You There Among The Crowds."

Psalm 35:18

I had to park about a mile away, walk past a cemetary at night, in the freezing cold.

That is when I realized I left my jacket lying on my bed, since I was about 45 minutes from home, I did not have a chance to run back and get it.

I searched for my row (12) and then my seat (6).

I sat in the Civic Center last night waiting....

Waiting for the opening notes for the concert to begin, and as I sat there I looked around at all the people, wondering (as I am now prone to do) if this would be an "event" or if it would just be like a "regular" concert, how many were truly saved and how many were just simply living....

This was a birthday present...

A single ticket to my first ever Christian concert ~ Royal Tailor, Matthew West and Casting Crowns...

I have been looking forward to this for over a month.

I was more excited about Matthew West and Casting Crowns, however, I will give Royal Tailor some major applause for their excitment and energy.

As Royal Tailor left the stage and they were setting up for Matthew West, you could feel a shift in the arena...

Calm.

Center stage was directly in my line of sight and I could "technically" not have to get out of my seat and still see everything, however, that wasn't going to happen.

I am a huge fan of Matthew West and just about anything he sings (hence the title of this post ~ Click that link... The song is beautiful!).

To see him walk onstage though was different than just listening, and once he started singing, well I was out of my seat.

It was almost surreal.

I have been to many concerts and as you all know traveling to Atlanta to see Creed on my own was one of the best weekends EVER, yet this was different.

I was on Twitter in between his songs just to keep a few people updated (AND I woke up this am to a tweet from Matthew West, just saying "thank you"... Yep I was a bit giddy!) (Yes I actually just used the word giddy! *eye roll*)

He did wonderful....

Simply amazing.

Few minutes of break and then it is time for Casting Crowns.

They walked onto the stage singing "Courageous," I loved that movie and I love the song as well.

After the song ended, Mark Hall prayed....

Wow.

I say that because I am still not used to people praying anywhere other than Church, yet, a few of my professors do it after a presentation, I also notice people doing it in restaurants... Anyway...

I have witnessed people worshiping, but there are NO words to witness thousands of people worshiping at the same time.

Hands raised, tears, smiles, jumping for joy....

I felt so "full" when I walked out of there last night.

Just complete peace.

There have been so many things going on that I know it has been awhile since I have been on here.

Here is a rundown:

I am still married ~ Don't ask because I don't have the answers either.

I have received my license to preach ~ That is a whole post I need to write.
Both boys are doing well ~ Can't ask for anything else.

My mom walked into my room today and laid a single concert ticket on my bed ~ Michael W. Smith.... 20 years I have loved his music and now I have the chance to see him!!! (I am giddy.... Oh so giddy!!!!!) (Yes I said it again)

My healing has (finally) begun.

MATTHEW WEST
There’s A World Full Of People Dying From Broken Hearts
Holding On To Their Guilt, Thinking They Fell Too Far
So Don’t Be Afraid To Show ‘Em Your Beautiful Scars
Cause They’re The Proof, Yeah You’re The Proof

Father, Please...

"But He Turned, And Said Unto Peter, Get Thee Behind Me, Satan: Thou Art An Offence Unto Me: For Thou Savourest Not The Things That Be Of God, But Those That Be Of Men."

Matthew 16:23 (KJV)

"For The Enemy Has Pursued My Soul; He Has Crushed My Life To The Ground; He Has Made Me Sit In Darkness Like Those Long Dead. Therefore My Spirit Faints Within Me; My Heart Within Me Is Appalled."

Psalm 143:3-4 (ESV)

Without question, I find it horrifying that as I draw closer to God, Satan seeks me more promptly than he ever has before.

I truly believe he finds great joy in watching (more so than non-believers) Christians fall and due to the fact that we carry the impression of Christ in us, he must take true delight in our shortcomings, as well as when we haul the cross of Christ behind us, through the muck and mire that we call living.

He has the talent to weave his way to the darkest, most private corners of our soul.

The areas we wouldn't dare allow another human being into; where your oppressive terror, concealed humiliation, and deepest confusion, lie in waiting to suck the very breath out of you.

In these areas, he attaches himself and is RELENTLESS as he pours out doubts, lies, and worry, holding fast as he waits for us to give up; our defeat being his ultimate prize, never sleeping, never loosening the grasp, always waiting, always weaving, always attempting to devastate....

For.

Life.

He knows all to well how to tip the scales; he knows my weaknesses, he knows my deepest fears, he knows how exhausted I feel trying to balance Church, work, Seminary, single parenting, a (what seems like) never-going-to-be-final divorce....

He whispers to my soul at night, when the house is silent, when everyone is sleeping, with a heart wrapped in bitterness and pain, I hear his call ~ To hate him or to hate her.

That in this instance, it is okay if I don't forgive, that neither one of them deserves to be forgiven, energized by the hatred he knows I am a breath away from, he whispers over and over, encouraging me to have a hardened heart, towards the ones who inflicted unspeakable pain, in the pursuit of their own selfish happiness.

I have been taught to guard my mind, however, there are times that I inadvertently allow that guard down and that is when the foothold is opened for him.

I did it last night; dread and terror (not fear - sheer terror) dripped off me as if I had just showered under them and panic danced onto the scene, that cold hand spread across my throat, threatening to cut off my air, my heart was pounding as if it was going to beat right out of my chest, and I felt the cold sweat run down my back.

I haven't had a panic attack in over a year and a half (the last one was at Bible study) and I didn't want this one either, however the signs were in place and I just knew it was inevitable.

"Father, please, no."

I just returned home from a meeting and I could see the scene playing out in my head; I "see" the men I will face later on this month, for them to determine if I will receive a license to preach, the terror was now full blown and unkind words were all I could see; "failure" "you are a joke" "you don't belong" "you are different" "they will laugh" "they don't want you there" "you don't fit in, nor will you EVER fit in."

The hand of panic is squeezing tighter, tears filling my eyes, knowing the full blown panic attack is just about upon me and I can't stop it....

"Father, please, make it stop"

And somewhere, from the recesses of my mind, a verse came over me, not the complete verse, just a small portion ~

"Get behind me Satan"

As I uttered the words over and over, the squeezing became less intense, my breathing returned to normal, my heartbeat slowed and the tears subsided.

My Father came under me to lift me over the fear, over the panic and set me back on solid ground, no medication involved, just Him hearing my desperate plea.

The opinion of "man" has always been one of my downfalls, what "they" think of me and knowing what I am about to face has seriously placed a dent in my armor.

When I knew that this was indeed what He wanted me to do, I stood at His altar and promised Him that no matter what, I would face any and all adversity, even if it felt like I was standing alone.

Regardless of what any person might have to say, regardless of what any person may feel about me, my job is to obey Him and to serve out the purposes He has placed before me, to glorify His Kingdom...

No matter what.

Does this make me naive or simple?

It is a great possibility.

However, there is no greater opinion, blessing, nor honor... Than the one of my Father.

He is the one who has instilled my gifts, not "man."

He is the final judge of me, not "man."

He called me, not "man."

He paves my path, not "man."

Walking this road, I have learned that when I am the very closest with my Father, that is when I am going to be attacked, that Satan will be consistent in trying to kick me down and push me back, endlessly striving to break my spirit.

He wants my spirit broken.

He wants me to give up.

I will not bow down to him, nor to "man." 
 
In the future, I will do well to remember these words.
 

MIKESCHAIR
You're Worth It, You Can't Earn It
Yeah The Cross Has Proven
That You're Sacred And Blameless
Your Life Has Purpose

I Choose Crystal

"In A Well-Furnished Kitchen There Are Not Only Crystal Goblets And Silver Platters, But Waste Cans And Compost Buckets—Some Containers Used To Serve Fine Meals, Others To Take Out The Garbage. Become The Kind Of Container God Can Use To Present Any And Every Kind Of Gift To His Guests For Their Blessing."

2 Timothy 2:20-21 (The Message)

It has been a week of one major up, as well as one major down, and a few ripples thrown in for good measure.

Early on in the week I found out I made the Dean's list ~ Shut Up! were the first words out of my mouth when I received the email.

I called my Dad, informed my Mom and Sister, emailed a copy to my Pastor, as well as texted my Reverend and my prayer partner.

Yes; I was proud, because quite frankly when I used to be in school, the only "list" I ever made was the detention or the suspension list. :)

That was my "up".

I also found out that Eeyore was choosing to stay with his Dad and since he is 16, there is basically nothing I can do about it, huge blow, because I was naive enough to think that he would of course, choose me.

I figured in time he would see through the actions of his Dad and realize that at this point in time, he isn't exactly the type of person you would want to emulate.

I found that out yesterday, I also found a huge source of anger that I didn't know I had.

I was mad at the lawyers, furious with my husband for dragging this out so long (almost 3 years now), and quite frankly disgusted with the whole process.

So I sat there, angry and so very sad, asking Him why?

Every fiber of my being was tempted to call my husband and tell him what I truly thought of him at that point in time, yet, I found myself emailing my Pastor instead.

Struggling deeply with anger, acceptance and forgiveness.

As I wrote to him, letting him know what had happened and where I "was" emotionally, I found the anger dissipating a little bit as I wrote that I "accepted and forgave the affair, the abandonment, as well as the filing of divorce, however, turning my son against me? I don't know that I have it in me."

I don't know how to accept that, much less forgive.

But, I have to.

I sent the email and then found myself in the Word, seeking for peace, for the comfort I know only He can give me.

As I read different verses, finding the peace I was searching for, I came across the one you see at the top -

2 Timothy 2:20-21.

The first thing I thought when I read it, was that I didn't want to be a filthy vessel used by Him.

Knowing that I will fall into transgression if I let go of either, His complete sovereignty or the full responsibility of my sins.

The point Paul (I love Paul and relate so easily to him) is making in this text is we have a choice:

Will you choose to be a filthy vessel that God uses for dishonor?

Or, will you choose to be a clean vessel that God uses for honor?

He WILL use either, however, WE are accountable for the choice made.

We live in a world where we become stained on a daily (sometimes moment by moment) basis and when we confess our sins, the blood of Jesus is applied to our dirty lives.

In order to be a vessel for honor, you must walk in the light, confessing all your known sins to God.

To be a vessel of dishonor, you will continue to stumble around in the darkness, never cleansing yourself from sin.

You must choose the type of vessel you are going to be and then you must cleanse
yourself to become a vessel of honor.
 
This your responsibility.
 
If we allow our minds to continue to embrace false teaching and we allow our lives to be continually tainted by sin, then we are not useful to our Master.
 

I emailed my Pastor back, letting him know that I was okay, that I had found several verses in Ephesians, and they had helped restore the peace back into my soul.

"I will allow it to be one more cornerstone in my testimony of what He has allowed me to face, as well as how He walked me through it and perhaps one day, I will be able to help someone else who may face the same trial." (a portion of what my email said to him)

In time, He will help me to accept, forgive, and move forward.

He strengthens me, His word says so ~

Philippians 4:10-14 (The Message) "I'm glad in God, far happier than you would ever guess—happy that you're again showing such strong concern for me. Not that you ever quit praying and thinking about me. You just had no chance to show it. Actually, I don't have a sense of needing anything personally. I've learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I'm just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I've found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am. I don't mean that your help didn't mean a lot to me—it did. It was a beautiful thing that you came alongside me in my troubles."

(I love the way this Scripture is stated in the Message Bible.)

So, which vessel are you choosing to be?

Many Blessings.

SCOTT KRIPPAYNE
He Has A Reason For Each Trial
That We Pass Through In Life
And Though We're Shaken
We Cannot Be Pulled Apart From Christ

Hot Cocoa Is The Answer

"To Open The Blind Eyes, To Bring Out The Prisoners From The Prison, And Them That Sit In Darkness Out Of The Prison House."

Isaiah 42:7 (KJV)

I drink a cup of cocoa almost every single night, regardless of the weather outside, and I have been doing this for about 22 years.

To me, there is nothing more comforting than a hot mug of cocoa with whipped cream and chocolate sprinkles (or marshmallows).

I spent 3 years in northern Italy and the hot cocoa that is served there is literally eaten with a spoon, thick as mud and oh so very good!

I have tried just about every cocoa on the market, as well as in most of the restaurants I frequent.

I have tried it with milk as well as with water (I prefer water) and I actually used to own a Cocomotion ( I loved that thing).

As I stood by the stove tonight, waiting for my water to boil tonight, my mind was playing on a question that I hear, quite frankly too often, "Didn't you have any warning?"

"No, I did not" is my standard answer.

Before I go any further, let me just say, I am not stupid nor am I an idiot, and I am not a hillbilly from the backwoods....

I am educated, I carry a 4.0 GPA in Seminary school, I can count, I can use the word "malevolence" correctly in a sentence (see below), I can change a tire, check my oil, build a fire, know the difference between a phillips head and a flat head etc...

I may be blonde and have some serious "blonde moments" but I am not a bubble head...

Sometimes, it is the smallest things in life that we overlook.

For almost 3 years I have racked my brain trying to come up with an answer.

I have spent countless hours dissecting each and every conversation my husband and I had prior to the separation, and I still come up with a big, fat "nothing."

We didn't fight, we rarely argued and if you had asked me, I was under the assumption that life was perfect, our life was perfect.

2 gorgeous, healthy boys, semi-successful jobs, house, cars etc....

He made me cocoa... Every. Single. Night.

The only thing missing was the proverbial "white picket fence."

If you have read here for any length of time, "blindsided" doesn't even begin to describe what happened.

Almost 3 years later and I still have my breath taken away by the sheer malevolence he has shown/continues to show...

In the words of Shakespeare, "This was the most unkindest cut of all."

Perhaps, because he was the one I trusted the most in this world, the one I counted on to never, ever hurt me, the one who would stand by my side until the very end, became the very one who stuck the knife in the deepest, intentionally.

It took me a long time to move past the anger, the pain and the betrayal.

I made a conscious decision to not allow what he did to define me, in doing that I had to be willing to trust someone again...

God saw fit to place G and my Pastor on my path.

Two men who are polar opposites of my husband, willing to teach me that to trust again, is a good thing, and each of them slowly worked, in their own way, to make sure I didn't get stuck inside myself, as a emotionally broken shell of a woman, yet they also taught me they are human and as such they have the ability to unintentionally hurt me and, He is the only one I can truly trust, with every single thing in my life and never, ever be hurt.

Once trust was established with these men, He placed other people in my path and each one brings with them, the chance to relearn how to love, how to trust, and yes; how to be vulnerable again, because you can't truly trust anyone, unless you are open to the possibility of being hurt once again.

I poured the hot water into my mug, stirred until all the chocolate was melted, added a (not so) healthy dollop of whipped cream, grabbed a handful of marshmallows, if you are going to drink hot cocoa, you have to do it right (FYI - These are the BEST!!) and found myself stopping right before I threw the marshmallows on top.....

My eyes clouded over and my mind took me back to 2009, right about this time (perhaps a week or so later)...

As much as I hate these "mind-journeys" into the past at the most inopportune times, I know that there is an answer there that He is trying to show me...

I saw my answer.

My mind came back to the present, I finished making my cocoa and as I looked at the perfect concoction I had just whipped up, I realized a small detail that had escaped me 3 years ago....

He stopped making me hot cocoa.

SCOTT STAPP
I Was Selfish
But You Still Loved Me
You Gave The Greatest Gift Of All
And You Set Me Free