A Million Raindrops

"My Soul Finds Rest In God Alone; My Salvation Comes From Him."

Psalm 62:1

To anyone who knows me, they know of my love for the rain.

Rain is cleansing to me.

It smells better than almost anything else in this world in my opinion and I find it very relaxing.

There is something very comforting listening to the rain pour down.

I am learning tears are like raindrops that need to fall.

A gift of cleansing for my wounded soul.

I have shed plenty in the past 18 months, however sometimes it just doesn't seem like I have shed enough.

At other times it seems I have cried a million tears.

This season of my life, the journey He has me on right now, is welcoming through filled with confusion.

The road is uncertain, twisting and turning...

I go about my day, trying to find my way...

Wondering where I will land today.

Am I winning or am I losing?

Am I walking the path He wants me on or am I allowing myself to be steered off of it by man?

Am I truly healing or am I stuffing down emotions that need to be released?

Sometimes you just don't have the answers no matter how long you dwell on the question.

Some days aren't so good...

Some days end in anger, sometimes tears and quite frankly even I get tired of the roller coaster.

So I do what I always do, I stuff it, deep down where the pain can't be felt.

I know that isn't healthy either, however there comes a point in time within your grief and suffering where you just need the mental and emotional break.

Trust me when I say, it will be there tomorrow.

I have a wonderful though small support system that I have spoken about before...

Some of the people have known me a very long time, some are new...

It doesn't matter, what matters is I know I am "safe" with each of them.

He is the number one source of my comfort and my strength.

He is more interested in changing me than in changing my circumstances.

He doesn't take pleasure in watching me suffer or hurt, though He does get immense pleasure watching me grow spiritually.

He places people on my path to help with the pain, He places people on my path to help me grow and be closer to Him and He places people on my path to show me how to glorify Him in all that I do, no matter how big or how small.

When I joined the Church I am in, we had a 6 week class for new members, to learn about the history of the AME Church, to learn the ins and outs of the Church but most importantly we learned each sermon was going to based on the Bible.

Yes life may be thrown in there, however it is Bible based first.

At the end of the 6 weeks our Pastor did one of the classes and wanted us to pick any verse from the Bible that we liked and read it out loud.

I choose Matthew 11:28-30 which states "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

I then of course had to ask my Pastor what a "yoke" was...

Because you know exactly what I was thinking and yes it had to do with eggs.

Anyway, to take His yoke means to submit to Him...

He who is gentle, concerned and caring for us...

He wants you to put yourself under His leading, to join together with Him so He can give you the rest you are seeking.

The yoke with which you are tied to now is what is making you suffer, be it man, Satan, your own sinful nature - These are your masters, instead of Him being your only master.

The journey to become more Christ-like and less man-like isn't easy, however He never said it would be easy.

Each thing in my life that I viewed as weak I can now see as a gift from Him, including the tears I cry...

In order for the pain to be purged from my shattered heart for good, I may just have to cry a million tears.

He wants you to cry, He wants your tears and He wants you to know it is ok to cry to Him...

Some nights when I am sitting outside, peacefully with Him, the tears just start pouring down...

Technically nothing has set them off, yet there they are streaming down my face and finally I am accepting them as part of my healing.

NICOLE C. MULLEN
The Very Same God That Spins Things In Orbit
He Runs To The Weary, The Worn And The Weak
And The Same Gentle Hands That Hold Me When I'm Broken
They Conquered Death To Bring Me Victory

Caught In The Middle

"I Will Instruct You And Teach You In The Way You Should Go; I Will Counsel You And Watch Over You."

Psalm 32:8

I am still torn with the calling placed on my heart and it is no secret to those around me.

I am not a good public speaker, I am more withdrawn unto myself and don't really seek out people.

I have never been shy, however I do know how to actually speak and carry on a conversation without drooling on myself.

I am just not comfortable being the center of attention.

20 years ago, on my wedding day, our ceremony was taped...

If you ever have the chance to see it, once I walk up to the Altar, I am shaking the entire time and you can see it...

I look like I am having some sort of episode...

I haven't seen my baptism on DVD yet, however I am sure I look the same as I did on the day I got married.

Because this is something I feel very strongly He wants me to do, I also am quite confident He will take care of my fear of being the center of attention.

I am still wrestling with the utter thought of being a Pastor...

At least 6 years of school is ahead of me, a lot of sacrifice on my part...

To actually take the calling He placed on my heart and turn it into a reality isn't going to be a walk in the park...

You see I never, ever liked school...

You can go back to the beginning of my blog and that is apparent...

I skipped school every chance I got.

I just had zero use for it and now here I sit 22 years later actually excited to start school again.

There is also a tiny spark of excitement to do His will and take His word out to whoever needs to hear it.

I am thinking as I move forward, that tiny spark is going to grow into a bonfire of epic proportions.

Saturday night, the doubt crept in once again.

I sat outside on my bench that night, chatting with G and then had the urge to pray...

I laid my phone in my lap and just started talking to Him...

Eyes closed, I told Him my fears, I told Him what was hurting me that night and once again for the millionth time I questioned His call for me.

I confirmed that I knew He would open doors for me, however I was scared I wasn't going to go through the correct ones.

What if I fail?

What if I just can't stand in front of a Church filled with people and get the correct words out?

What if I run more people away than I bring in?

What if, what if, what if...

Blah Blah Blah...

Satan has a way of bringing us down at each and every turn if we let him...

And all I wanted was a sign that I was walking the correct path He wanted me to be on.

As I was finishing my prayer, my phone started going off, I ended my time with Him and took a look at my phone, thinking it was probably G wondering why I was no longer talking...

It wasn't, it was my sister...

It was actually a picture from my sister...

A picture a friend of ours had just taken...

A picture of a Cross that he felt compelled to take and have her send me right then and there.

Couldn't have a plainer sign than that.

CASTING CROWNS
With Eyes Wide Open To The Differences
The God We Want And The God Who Is
But Will We Trade Our Dreams For His
Or Are We Caught In The Middle

Holy Hatred

"To Everything There Is A Season, A Time For Every Purpose Under Heaven."

Ecclesiastes 3:1

I read this Biblical verse this morning.

I went on to finish the entire passage, which in turn got me truly thinking.

Each sentence was just beautiful to me, perfectly written to get one thinking about the bigger things in life.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 covers everything we deal with in life from being born to dying and everything in between.

As I went on to read the passage one sentence caught my eye...

"A Time To Love, A Time To Hate"

And I paused and wondered if this was permission from Him to "hate".

I sat and pondered if I was now allowed to hate my husband as well as the other woman...

Did my Father just tell me it was ok to do so in this season?

The answer is of course no...

It is ok to hate what has happened, it is not ok to hate people.

The more I walk, the more I learn what He wants from us...

The more I walk, the more I learn what He wants from me...

To be a forgiving, compassionate, kind, loving woman for Him.

To not allow my circumstances to change me into a bitter shell of the person I used to be, but to allow it to change me into something magnificent.

To love what God loves and to hate what God hates.

What do you mean hate what God hates?

God doesn't hate anything we are taught, God is all about love.

If your love is not strong enough, you won't know what holy hatred is...

A "good" hatred so to speak.

A strong love produces a strong hatred, therefore is goes without saying a strong holy love produces a strong holy hatred.

In order to learn to love the truth, you have to learn to hate every false way.

You can't love the truth and love error at the same time...

There are always two sides to every story and here there is no exception.

I have always heard God is love, an all-knowing, all-consuming powerful force of nothing but goodness.

Yet I have been learning God hates as well.

The love/hate that God has is complimentary to one another not mutually exclusive.

People hate other people because they love themselves and self-love is extremely destructive.

The Bible states you can't serve two masters...

Either you serve Him or you serve yourself, period.

Holy hatred is a gift from Him such is holy love...

You see in order to turn your life over to Him completely, you need that holy hatred...

Don't believe me?

Watch how I weave it for you...

You will always be deceived until you have a holy hatred for ignorance.

You will always be bound until you have a holy hated for sin.

You will never be genuine until you have a holy hated for hypocrisy.

You have to have a holy hatred for evil in order to overcome it with good.

You will never be truthful until you have a holy hatred for lies.

You will never have complete compassion until you have a holy hatred for judgement.

You will never have complete kindness until you have a holy hatred for cruelty.

You will never surrender completely to God until you have a holy hatred of your own ways.

Now don't confuse "bad" hate with holy hate...

Bad hate is just that, bad.

Murder, war, slander, strife, racism etc...

These are examples of bad hate and are all a sin.

If our love for Him is strong enough, we will learn to hate everything that competes with Him.

Anything that tries to hinder our relationship with our Father, we will come to despise.

John 12:25 states "He who loves his life will lose it, and he who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life."

This means you now have to have a holy hatred for "self"...

Self-love, self-righteousness, self-will, self-preservation all leading to self-destruction.

Jesus is saying to us, if you love your life, you will lose it altogether...

And my friends, this isn't a bad thing...

Everything is set to give you a better life than you ever dreamed possible, the question is, are you willing to have holy hate for yourself in order to make all your dreams come true?

KUTLESS
You Are My Strong Tower
Fortress When I'm Weak
Your Name Is True And Holy
And Your Face Is All I Seek

To The Cross

"Cast Your Burden On The Lord, And He Shall Sustain You; He Shall Never Permit The Righteous To Be Moved."

Psalms 55:22

It took me a long time to "cast my burdens" upon Him.

It took me even longer to leave them at the foot of the Cross.

I am a worrier by nature, my Dad informed me tonight I carry guilt like a "20 pound sack" everywhere I go.

In order to let go of that, I had to reach deep inside of me, change my way of thinking and my way of dealing with circumstances.

This has been the hardest part of the journey, to relinquish control to someone I can't see with my own two eyes standing in front of me.

Trust has never been hard for me, until 18 months ago I trusted completely without question.

Now, I don't.

There are only a handful of people I trust now and I can honestly say I am unsure if I even trust them completely.

My Lord wants me to trust Him completely, with each aspect of my life and to be honest, I am having a hard time with it.

You can send me all the emails in the world about what an inspiration my words bring to your life, however you should know I struggle daily.

Faith may seem like it comes easy to me...

I am here to tell you it doesn't.

Where I used to trust at face value, I now question everything, including what He wants from me.

Worry is a symptom of not trusting, so by worrying I am basically saying I don't trust Him to fulfill His promises to me.

The Cross is a symbol of peace to me...

Nothing else in this world brings me more peace than the sight of a Cross.

Two thousand years ago Jesus was nailed to that Cross, beaten, rejected and left to die at the hands of man.

The thought should bring you to tears in an instant.

Why did He die?

For our sins.

He died to save us from the wrath of God, to make peace between God and us.

The Son of our Father drank the wrath each one of us deserves to feel...

By His stripes, we are healed.

Isaiah 53:5 - "But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities; The chastisement for our peace was upon Him, by His stripes we are healed"

Let that sink in for a minute.

Because He was crucified on the Cross so long ago, your "old" self died with Him the minute you accepted Him as your Lord and Savior.

Yes, your old, selfish, man made ways are dead now...

Past.

In order to live the life He wants, in order to live to glorify Him, you have got to let go of the past.

Yes, I said those words...

Because of what Jesus did and our Faith in His word, we have the same power within us that raised Him from the dead.

Yes we will still struggle, however because of Him we will be victorious over the way we used to live.

You can't do this alone...

I have mentioned I carry on a running conversation with Him throughout the day...

He knows when I feel my own weakness, knowing I just can't shoulder it so I admit it in prayer and ask for Him for His strength instead....

In my weakness, I am strongest.

In your weakness, you are strongest.

2 Corinthians 12:9 - "But He said to me, My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."

The power of the Cross is yours, all you have to do is go to it.

Kneel at the foot of the Cross and just starting talking to Him...

I don't pray with fancy words, I pray as I talk to you, I pray from my heart...

Sometimes I am so moved I end up in tears, other times I walk away feeling worse than I did when I knelt down, however I still take each and every care, each and every burden to Him.

Not only do I take it to Him, I leave it with Him and if by chance I find myself taking it back, I stop and release it back to Him...

Control is never, ever easy to give up.

Before I started this post, I said a prayer for any reader I have that doesn't know our Father personally and intimately...

If you don't know Him all you have to do is say the following prayer and mean it with your heart...

"Lord Jesus, I am a sinner. But I believe that you died upon the Cross for me. That You shed Your precious blood for the forgiveness of my sin. And I believe on the third day that You rose from the dead, and went to Heaven, to prepare a place for me. I accept You now as my Savior, my Lord, my God, my friend. Come into my heart, Lord Jesus, and set me free from my sin. And because You are my Savior, Jesus, I shall not die but have everlasting life."

Amen.

HILLSONG
At The Cross I Bow My Knee
Where Your Blood Was Shed For Me
There's No Greater Love Than This
You Have Overcome The Grave
Your Glory Fills The Highest Place
What Can Seperate Me Now

Just Before Dawn

"How Long Must I Wrestle With My Thoughts And Every Day Have Sorrow In My Heart? How Long Will My Enemy Triumph Over Me?"

Psalm 13:2

I woke up early this morning, when I say early I mean sometime right before 5am.

I was wide awake, the house was still and quiet.

I took a shower without my 7 year old beating on the door wanting in and then took my coffee outside.

I could hear the world starting to wake up, birds chirping, traffic going by, wind rustling through the leaves on the ground.

As I sat on the bench, legs tucked up underneath me, I just imagined Him sitting beside me...

It was one of the most peaceful mornings I have had in a very long time.

I stayed outside for almost 2 hours before anyone else got up...

Just sitting, thinking, reflecting, pondering, wondering, questioning etc...

I don't have to speak out loud when I am with Him, He sees my heart, hears my thoughts, reads my mind.

No masks with Him, even if I tried, He would see past them...

I have been feeling a bit down lately, struggling to hide it to the people around me, not sad really, just blah.

Out of all the people in my life, only one has seen past the mask I put on over a week ago.

Not only did he see past it, he called me on it as well.

I have spoken about G quite a few times, a blessing in my life that I wouldn't give up for anything.

My brother, a kindred spirit and a true friend.

He allowed me a few days of tricking myself into thinking I was perfectly fine, than called my bluff yesterday.

Yes he is a world-class butt-kicker like that.

The point is I should have known better...

I told him over and over I was ok until I almost believed it...

Key word is almost, because once night hits, I am not ok.

The hours between dusk and dawn can be very long and very painful I have found out.

Those are the hours of self-doubt...

The times when sleep just will not come and thoughts take over.

Wicked thoughts, designed to tear you down and keep you down...

The "what if", "what could be", "what I should have done", "what I could have done different" etc...

Thoughts that have zero place in your healing, yet there they are...

Whispering to you about what a failure you truly are.

Snakes wrapping their way around your mind, asking you all kinds of demonic questions...

Questions designed to inflict self-doubt, designed to zap you of your energy, your strength, your joy, your peace...

All gifts from Him, being stolen in the early hours when normal people are sleeping.

Never before did I actually think to just go to Him during those hours as well.

As if He is sleeping and can't be bothered with my trials and tribulations.

However I don't want to bother Him...

I think to myself sometimes, there are more important people calling on Him at that time as well so I can't be selfish.

I forget He is everywhere, all the time and when I am speaking with Him, you could also be doing the same thing.

I do that when I pray as well, sometimes I forget something and remember it only after I have finished and once I call on Him again, I apologize for bothering Him...

Eventually I will get it through my head that He is there for me, anytime day or night.

So this morning, before the dawn broke, I was selfish...

I took my time with Him...

I sat in pure, utter peace wrapped in His love, in His arms and it was a perfect way to start my day.

That doesn't mean I will walk through my day and nothing can touch me...

It means I started my day the right way so I was equipped by Him to handle anything that comes along.

MATTHEW WEST
What You Got Inside Your Soul
Deep Down You Know
The Truth Won't Hide
Don't Believe The Lie