Just Before Dawn

"How Long Must I Wrestle With My Thoughts And Every Day Have Sorrow In My Heart? How Long Will My Enemy Triumph Over Me?"

Psalm 13:2

I woke up early this morning, when I say early I mean sometime right before 5am.

I was wide awake, the house was still and quiet.

I took a shower without my 7 year old beating on the door wanting in and then took my coffee outside.

I could hear the world starting to wake up, birds chirping, traffic going by, wind rustling through the leaves on the ground.

As I sat on the bench, legs tucked up underneath me, I just imagined Him sitting beside me...

It was one of the most peaceful mornings I have had in a very long time.

I stayed outside for almost 2 hours before anyone else got up...

Just sitting, thinking, reflecting, pondering, wondering, questioning etc...

I don't have to speak out loud when I am with Him, He sees my heart, hears my thoughts, reads my mind.

No masks with Him, even if I tried, He would see past them...

I have been feeling a bit down lately, struggling to hide it to the people around me, not sad really, just blah.

Out of all the people in my life, only one has seen past the mask I put on over a week ago.

Not only did he see past it, he called me on it as well.

I have spoken about G quite a few times, a blessing in my life that I wouldn't give up for anything.

My brother, a kindred spirit and a true friend.

He allowed me a few days of tricking myself into thinking I was perfectly fine, than called my bluff yesterday.

Yes he is a world-class butt-kicker like that.

The point is I should have known better...

I told him over and over I was ok until I almost believed it...

Key word is almost, because once night hits, I am not ok.

The hours between dusk and dawn can be very long and very painful I have found out.

Those are the hours of self-doubt...

The times when sleep just will not come and thoughts take over.

Wicked thoughts, designed to tear you down and keep you down...

The "what if", "what could be", "what I should have done", "what I could have done different" etc...

Thoughts that have zero place in your healing, yet there they are...

Whispering to you about what a failure you truly are.

Snakes wrapping their way around your mind, asking you all kinds of demonic questions...

Questions designed to inflict self-doubt, designed to zap you of your energy, your strength, your joy, your peace...

All gifts from Him, being stolen in the early hours when normal people are sleeping.

Never before did I actually think to just go to Him during those hours as well.

As if He is sleeping and can't be bothered with my trials and tribulations.

However I don't want to bother Him...

I think to myself sometimes, there are more important people calling on Him at that time as well so I can't be selfish.

I forget He is everywhere, all the time and when I am speaking with Him, you could also be doing the same thing.

I do that when I pray as well, sometimes I forget something and remember it only after I have finished and once I call on Him again, I apologize for bothering Him...

Eventually I will get it through my head that He is there for me, anytime day or night.

So this morning, before the dawn broke, I was selfish...

I took my time with Him...

I sat in pure, utter peace wrapped in His love, in His arms and it was a perfect way to start my day.

That doesn't mean I will walk through my day and nothing can touch me...

It means I started my day the right way so I was equipped by Him to handle anything that comes along.

MATTHEW WEST
What You Got Inside Your Soul
Deep Down You Know
The Truth Won't Hide
Don't Believe The Lie

Come As You Are

"Watch And Pray So That You Will Not Fall Into Temptation. The Spirit Is Willing, But The Body Is Weak."

Matthew 26:41

Prayer brings us to Him...

Open hands, clasped hands, fingers enter twined, on your knees, standing up, kneeling all the way down etc...

It doesn't matter, what matters is that you do it.

Each and every day.

This is your source of direct & open communication with Him...

Honest prayer will bring you closer to Him, in the stillness of that moment, in the furthest reaches of your heart is where you will find Him.

Like a whisper on the wind.

When all hope seems lost, when you are sailing on the sea of utter despair, go to Him in prayer...

He will meet you there.

No matter where you are, He will come to you, if you cry out to Him.

Shattered, lost, hurt, scared, it doesn't matter to Him....

Come as you are...

Nothing is more beautiful to our Father than you coming to Him broken.

I sometimes lay awake at night, after my prayers just thinking...

I don't ask for too much when I pray, I ask for protectiveness over my family and friends...

I ask for help in forgiveness, I seek peace when I pray...

I stopped asking for my will a long time...

I have started just talking to Him within my mind recently, everyday...

Before it was here and there, now it is all day.

Sometimes my prayers get lengthy, sometimes I just seek His mercy...

Sometimes I just ask Him to lay with me because I am out of words, He sees my heart, He knows when I have had enough.

Sometimes I just sit and cry, knowing He is right there, crying along side of me...

He feels all of my pain, even the pain I haven't touched on yet.

He feels all of my sorrow, He knows when I am out of strength, He is the one who truly knows what is hurting me...

I can tell you I am well and all is ok, He knows different...

He knows every aspect of me and no matter how many times I say it, He never tires of hearing it...

He sees my confusion at what my life has become, He gives me clarity.

He sees how weak I feel day to day, He gives me His strength.

He sees the fight within myself to do the right thing, He gives me wisdom to know His will.

He can look inside me and see things I wouldn't even dare voice, yet He still loves me anyway.

Why?

Because I go to Him, just as I am.


DAVID CROWDER BAND
Lord I'm Tired, So Tired From Walking
And Lord I'm So Alone
And Lord The Dark Is Creeping In
Creeping Up, To Swallow Me
I Think I'll Stop
Rest Here A While

By His Grace

"You Gave Me Life And Showed Me Kindness, And In Your Providence Watched Over My Spirit."

Job 10:12

"The will of God will never take you to where the grace of God will not protect you."

One of my favorite quotes, I don't know who originally said it however it speaks volumes.

So what is God's Grace?

The power to do for us, what we can not do for ourselves.

On the other side of that, we can not do anything for ourselves (John 15:5).

The grace of God has no beginning and no end, like Him, it is eternal...

When I think of the word "grace", I imagine back in the day when women walked tall, head held high, back straight as a board etc...

Grace to me was always a quality women possessed...

I was never one of them.

I can't even chew gum and walk at the same time.

He loves us, even though we don't deserve it...

Truth be told, we are not worthy of living under His protection...

We sin daily, we go about our day doing what we want instead of what He wants.

The majority of us don't take the time to even find out what His will for our lives is.

We want the promise of eternal life, we just don't want to do anything for it.

We want to live our lives the way we see fit with zero repercussions and upon death, we still want to go to Heaven and live happily ever after.

I am here to tell you that it isn't going to work that way.

Never has, never will.

He gave us free will, to do as we wish however, He still wants you to follow His will for your life.

So how do you know what His will is?

You ask Him.

When you seek His will, make sure what you are asking for doesn't go against the Bible and make sure whatever you are asking will Glorify Him as well as help you grow spiritually.

He isn't going to tell you specifically because He gave you free will.

In order to know what it is He is saying, you have to learn spiritual discernment.

Spiritual discernment is the interior search for determining whether God is calling one to certain things in their lives.

It doesn't necessarily apply to being called to the ministry or vowed life.

Basically you can sum it up by saying avoid evil, do good.

Plain and simple...

You aren't stupid, you know right from wrong, it has been taught to 99% of us from the time we were old enough to walk.

You can either live by the will of the Spirit, following Him, to lead a life of holiness, a life filled with His peace, His strength, His love, His grace.

Or you can live by the will of the flesh, following your own mortal wants, leading to a life of sin...

This in turn will open the door to Satan.

The will of the flesh is easily fooled, easily rationalized, easily led astray.

We have all done it so don't sit there and think to yourself that you haven't.

There you are, faced with something your mortal self really wants, yet knowing it isn't something He wants for you so what do you do?

You take the Word and twist it to fit the sin you are about to commit.

I have seen this done time and time again...

I have personally witnessed this in the past 18 months.

You take someone who believes in God, place infidelity in their lap and watch the wheels start turning...

"He wants me to be happy", "If this wasn't His will, we would have never met", "She is a gift from Him"

Yes, I have heard each of these and many more, justifications on His word for a grievous sin being committed...

Now I know that these are just excuses because free will was being followed and not His will.

By the Grace of our Father, I have survived the past 18 months...

18 months and I am just now starting to have the fog cleared, the veil lifted so to speak...

I have recently learned that if you are walking closely with Him, truly desiring His will for your life, not your will, He will than place His desires on your heart.

The key to all of this is quite simple...

His will, not yours.

BEBO NORMAN
God, My God I Cry Out
Your Beloved Needs You Now
God, Be Near, Calm My Fear And Take My Doubt
Your Kindness Is What Pulls Me Up
Your Love Is All That Draws Me In

Life Changing Lesson

"And Do Not Be Conformed To This World: But Be Ye Transformed By The Renewing Of Your Mind, That Ye May Prove What Is That Good, And Acceptable, And Perfect , Will Of God."
Romans 12:2

I will admit I have had a hard time co-operating with Him and the transformation process He has started within me.

Because I didn't know exactly what it was He was trying to change within me, I fought it each step of the way.

Now that the renewal of my mind and soul is becoming clearer, I have a better picture of what He is wanting from me.

That doesn't make it any easier to accept.

In order for the transformation to take place and ultimately "stick", I needed to know what He was wanting from me.

I already knew He was removing anything in my path that kept me from Him, no matter how painful it was to me.

I am 100% guilty of not putting Him first in my life, for an awful long time, and I have already sought His forgiveness for that transgression.

I am human, I sin, daily and no I am not proud of that, however I can't be perfect either.

For the renewal and transformation to take place, there are some things that need to happen from you.

Study the Bible.

Put away negative qualities.

The most important part after these two is done by Him...

By the power of the Holy Spirit, the transformation can become complete.

Let's look at the first one, study the Bible...

Should be easy right?

It isn't, I admit I could stand to read my Bible a lot more than I do...

I read a few verses here and there, however I don't sit down and spend time in the word like I should.

We will read anything we can get our hands on, from romance novels to cereal boxes, yet when it is time to read the one Book we should be living by, we balk at it.

It is boring, it is too long, I don't understand it, I don't have time etc...

I have used these as well, it is crap.

Nothing but excuses...

If you want to feel Him by your side, more so than you do now, read His Book.

Let's look at number two, put away negative qualities.

What does this mean exactly?

Let's look at my personality...

Again I am human and I have many flaws and since this is my blog, I will use myself...

I am not a patient person, I have a bad temper, I curse more than I should, I can be judgemental, I can be critical etc...

Now, in order for me to become more like Him, I have to put away those qualities and put on the qualities He wants in me.

Love, compassion, patience, harmony, kind, generous, gentle etc...

This is how He wants me to be.

Each and every flawed aspect of your personality has a verse about it somewhere in His Word.

See where I am going with this?

Make a list...

On the paper, draw down the center a straight line, now on one side list each "bad" personality trait you have...

Then go and get your Bible and do a search in the concordance...

On the other side of the paper, write down the specific verse that pertains to whatever your trait may be for that search.

It is all there in black and white.

Now tear the page out of your notebook and study those verses, keep the page with you and when you feel the "bad" start to crop up, get your page out and read it.

It will take some time, however eventually, you will be able to "stop" those traits in their tracks, to be replaced with what He wants from you.

I still struggle with this each and every day.

It is, of course, easier to slip back into the "old me".

To lash out in anger, to show my impatience with what is at hand, to judge where I have no place to judge.

Yet now I know I can stop it...

It is a matter of thinking before acting.

The struggle runs very wide and very deep within me.

We live in the age of wanting everything right this minute...

No matter what it is, none of us wants to wait...

Instant gratification is surrounding us in almost every aspect of our life.

With Him, there is no instant gratification.

In order to get to number three, you have to do the other things on your own...

This renewal will be on His time, however you have to do the work as well...

He isn't going to sweep in and make you whole again...

You have to want it more than anything else and you have to be willing to fight for it...

I never realized how bad I wanted it until He started His work within me.

JOSH WILSON
Savior, Please Help Me Stand
I Fall So Hard, I Fade So fast
Will You Begin Right Where I End
And Be The God Of All I Am Because You're All I Have

Strive For Balance

"For God Is Not The Author Of Confusion, But Of Peace, As In All Churches Of The Saints."

1 Corinthians 14:33

Inner balance & inner peace, something many people strive for, yet few can truly say they possess.

Unfortunately I am one of the many who seek them, yet fall short daily.

Inner balance means to "stand still".

Inner peace means a state of being mentally and spiritually at peace, with enough knowledge and understanding to keep oneself strong in the face of discord and stress.

In order to combine the two, you have to have self-discipline, self-control and the ability to not allow outside forces influence your emotions, your actions, your reactions and your judgements.

The presence of inner balance and inner peace means you have the common sense and good judgement to not allow the outside world to shake your inner world.

Think back over just the past month...

How many times did you get angry or lose your temper with your spouse, your kids, your co-workers, your parents etc?...

How many of those times were caused by outside influences? (ie: the weather, work, a headline you saw, other people etc...)

How many times have you allowed guilt to creep in when you regretted your actions?

I can most likely assume, now that you have taken the time to reflect back, that this doesn't make any of you happy.

This is allowing outside forces to distract you, which in turn throws off your inner balance and inner peace.

Loss of inner balance and inner peace causes your emotions to fluctuate, you than begin to lack direction...

You find yourself spending unnecessary time on useless thoughts, emotions and actions.

I know, because I do this day in and day out.

I can't count how many times I have started a post, got mid-way through and lost all train of thought due to unforeseen influences.

Each and every thing in my life affects my emotions, that is just the kind of person I am.

I allow unpleasant circumstances to steal my joy.

Joy He has blessed me with.

I can start the day well enough, however by mid-day, sometimes mid-morning, the joy has been stolen to be replaced with doubt, anxiety, worry, fear, anger, sadness etc...

It has taken me many months to recognize this and will probably take me many months to remedy it as well.

However as G says, "The journey begins with a single step", he also says "Change your perspective" which is what I was aiming to do today.

So starting this morning I got up, and mentally changed my way of thinking...

Instead of worrying about the fact that I had to go see my lawyer, I instead focused on the fact that He allowed me one more day of life.

Instead of thinking about what could happen on this day, I instead focused on the pleasant things in front of me.

Instead of focusing on the difficulties that have passed or have yet to come, I instead focused on what I have gained in this past year and a half.

Instead of fretting about what the lawyer said during our 3 hour meeting, I put it all in my mind to process a little at a time.

Your thoughts determine your state of mind...

Controlling your thoughts, takes a lot of practice...

If you tend to always have negative thoughts, yes like me, than you will gravitate towards negative no matter what...

You will always see the bad in any circumstance, no matter what.

If, instead you change your perspective, change your way of thinking, you will be able to see the positive no matter the circumstance.

Remember this, you are always able to decide which thoughts to follow and which thoughts to reject.

You should never feel like you are helpless to your own thoughts.

Now besides controlling your thoughts, how else might one achieve inner balance and inner peace?

Meditation.

We spend 8-12 hours a day working, playing, eating, drinking etc...

Can you find 15 minutes a day to just "be"?

No amount of money, fame, notches on your bedpost, clothes in your closest, food in your pantry etc...Can bring about inner balance nor inner peace.

During meditation, I seek Him...

He is the core of my inner balance & inner peace...

I know that in order to reach that place deep within, I have to be able to transcend my thoughts.

Yes, I am still working on that.

From the moment you get up in the morning to the moment you go to sleep at night, you need to be able to maintain some form of detachment from the world around you.

I am not saying to become uncaring and callous...

I am saying you need to be able to decide which, if any of the things going on around you, will control your balance & peace.

Don't react immediately to any situation, emotion or thought...

It won't be easy, however step back, take a breath, count to one hundred if you have to and ask yourself, "Will I allow my balance to be tipped the other way by this circumstance?" "Will I allow this to steal my inner peace"?

In order to develop inner balance and inner peace, it takes practice, concentration & meditation...

In the long run, 15 minutes a day is worth it.

What I have been finding out recently, is that no matter how many valleys I descend into, I have to remember to always keep walking forward.

Eventually I am going to come to a place where I will be able to climb out.

No matter what has happened in my life, there has always been a way out.

No matter the difficulties nor the obstacles placed in my path, no matter how many times I fall down, I always rise up.

The knowledge that He is with me each and every step allows me the courage to keep walking, keep rising and keep soaring.

That alone is helping me with keeping my inner balance and inner peace.

MERCYME
Hold Fast
Help Is On The Way
Hold Fast
He's Come To Save The Day
What I've Learned In My Life
One Thing Greater Than My Strife
Is His Grasp
So Hold Fast