Pandora's Box

This is for CB...May your life always be filled with bright red cardinals and sweet, sweet music...I love you my friend and wish you peace and happiness in all your days on earth.

We all have one of these in our minds...

A box where we store hurtful & painful memories...

Someone who didn't like you in grade school...

A love lost from so long ago...

An ugly exchange between you and someone you love...

Hateful words hurled during an argument...

D-Days aplenty for those of us affected by infidelity...

All under lock and key in this little box...

I told a friend yesterday to put everything away in it & not to open it and then the thought stayed right on the outside of my conscience for the rest of the day/night.

When I woke up this morning I knew what I had told him was wrong...

You see that part of me still lives in fear and we have discussed fear over and over right here...

If you become to fearful to try new things, you will end up running from everything and avoiding adversity at all costs.


Fear is a very debilitating emotion...

It will hold you back and keep you stuck right where you are...

You ask yourself questions over and over and over again and each time the questions are answered in fear...

Fear of the unknown...

It is easier to take the "safe" path no matter how unhappy you are then it is to venture onto the unknown path.

Before you can even take that step onto the unknown path, you have to ask yourself "What if" ?

You also need to know within, you are strong enough to face the answers to the "What if" questions even if it something you don't want to hear.




Fear kept me from releasing everything from my Pandora's Box...

I still held onto the ugliness that kept me from moving forward...

If you always do everything the same way because you are scared of screwing up, then the best results you can ideally expect are the same ones that you have received all along.

So what do you do?

What is the opposite of fear?

Bravery.

Within bravery comes courage...

Courage to push forward towards what you want for your life.

New love...New happiness...New friends...New ideas...New dreams...New life.

Within courage comes resolution...

Within resolution - Your wings to fly.




Go ahead and open up your box...

Release everything that is holding you back...

Everything that is keeping you from your happiness...

All the sadness and pain that is weighing you down...

Release the fear of the unknown.

My box is wide open...

All the tragedy and ugliness released and just like Pandora's Box -

The only thing left in my box -

Hope.


Steven Curtis Chapman
Out Of These Ashes
Beauty Will Rise
And We Will Dance Amoung The Ruins
We Will See It With Our Own Eyes

Confusion Is A...

Prelude To Clarity

I have lived in limbo for over a year now...

Perfectly happy and content to "live" like that for years...

Married in word only...

No intimacy, no friendship, no talking, no seeing one another...

I was ok with that until December...

Questions started to arise within me however I just couldn't lay voice to them...

The "voice" was another person placed in my path (CJ - Always by my side - Thank you)...

Finally I was able to voice aloud the questions, the fears, the worries etc...

The minute I voiced it all, I was disgusted at myself...

Limbo is a soul-sucking despair to all who are in it...

You tell yourself every morning when you wake up that maybe today is the day...

You tell yourself every night before you go to bed that maybe tomorrow will be the day...

You are living in a land of confusion and every minute you live like that is another minute of disservice you are allowing to yourself.

Now look at others who are involved...

Not the person who threw you into limbo because they deserve a post dedicated to each and every one of them, I am speaking of the fallout of limbo on your kids...

Tigger...

To look into his eyes breaks my heart...

To see pain etched on his face caused by another human being unleashes an anger in me I don't think I could even begin to describe...

To see it caused by the one person who should be protecting him, is heartbreaking to me...



I know my pain...

I can touch it and redirect it towards something good...

Until recently I saw his pain however I felt powerless to stop it because I wanted what was best for my marriage and my family.

What was best I thought was lingering in limbo with the hopes that my husband would wake up and truly see the damage he has done and actually want to fix it...

Not sweep it under the rug with an apology but to be truly remorseful...

To truly change and want the same things as me...

So with my confusion a change begun...

A change towards clarity...

I know what I want out of my life - The only life I get..The only chance I have and I want to shine.

I know what I want for his life - The only life he gets...The only chance he has and I want him to shine.

I never wanted him to feel unwanted, unworthy nor unloved and allowing him to be dragged into limbo with me has put those feelings in him...

As his Mother I have chance to undo the damage and make sure that he never feels inadequate again.

Just like me, he is worthy of so much more then what is being offered to him and come hell or high water, I will make sure he gets every chance to grab that and soar...

So the papers are filled out and waiting on a notary stamp...

Personal belongings are divided...

The line in the sand has become clearer...

This isn't just about me and my happiness...

As a parent, I have to remember this is about my boys as well...

Most specially about Tigger...

He deserves to be happy...

He deserves to be loved...

He deserves to feel worthy...

With confusion I thought he would get that no matter what as long as I was willing to stay in limbo and fight for my marriage...

With clarity I realized, I am not willing to stay married for the kids...

I thought by showing my boys you fight for what you believe in I was doing the right thing...

I realized I needed to show them how a relationship is truly supposed to be without sacrificing your soul.

I realized all I needed to believe in was Him and myself...




SIDEWALK PROPHETS
So Don't Live Life In Fear
Forgive and Forget
But Don't Forget Why You're Here
Take Your Time And Pray
These Are The Words I Would Say

The Darkness

THE CHILD IN THE DARKNESS IS FEARED BY THOSE IN THE LIGHT

"As The Child Slips Into The Darkness

For She Shall Never Return

But She Shall Learn To Walk

Stand On Her Own Two Feet

To Face The Fear, Hatred And Pain

For She Shall Overcome All That Has Been Done

And Be Greater Then All That Has Been Given."

You go through life believing what you are taught...

As a child, you are guided by your parents, as a teenager, you are lead by your peers, as a young adult, you struggle to find your place.

As a full grown adult some people made it through easier then others.

I always believed I was more "dark" then "light"...

I always believed I would be trapped by my darkness because I didn't know any other way...

Then one day I woke up and could see a pinpoint of light, faraway in the darkness...


The light was calming within my turmoil...

Calling me to follow...

Guiding me towards the gentle love being offered...

I wanted to go to that light however "worthiness of what I have to offer" wouldn't allow me to.


So faraway yet so close I could almost reach out and touch it...

Everyday the light came a little closer and everyday, the fear became a little smaller...

Each day that passed I wanted to climb out of the darkness surrounding me however was I worthy?

Was I worthy of receiving that light?


The light comes closer and I can see it is not just one light but many different lights...

Different shades of brightness coming from all who are surrounded by me...

Some lights are so bright they are absolutely blinding and I can't be around those lights...

They are so bright they are toxic...The light pierces your soul and wants to suck every bit of your life force.

The toxicity of the bearers of that light will get in if allowed and you will become lost...

You will become what they want you to be...

No longer existing as your whole self...

Just something someone wants you to be.


The other lights... Loving - Gentle - Calm

God's Light is the absolute brightest light there is...Not blinding - Just full of Love, Peace, Hope, and Joy.

I need His Light to find my way - His Light shows me where He wants me to be.

True friends have a calming light...

Their light is shining down on your path, gently guiding you...

Showing you what "pieces" to keep and which to toss...

Someone close to my heart told me last night, I was more then "worthy" -

Those words and their light mean so much to me and no matter from this day forward what I say, I will never, ever have the words to put into meaning just how much that sentence meant to me.


THIRD DAY
I Know That You Are Holding All The Answers
I'm Tired Of Losing Hope And Taking Chances
On Roads That Never Seem
To Be The Ones That Bring Me Home

A Puzzle

Dear Friends, Do Not Be Surprised At The Painful Trial You Are Suffering, As Though Something Strange Were Happening To You.

But Rejoice That You Participate In The Sufferings Of Christ So That You May Be Overjoyed When His Glory Is Revealed.

1 Peter 4: 12-13

A shattered life is like a puzzle that has been scattered all over the floor.

The winds of change have come in and strewn the pieces all over the place.

You stand in the center wondering where you even begin to put the pieces back together.

Which pieces of that puzzle do you want to keep?

The pieces of your old life will never be the same...

The pieces of that puzzle will never fit like they did before...

So you have a marvelous opportunity to actually begin anew...

Which pieces are you going to keep and which ones are you going to destroy?

I am keeping certain pieces...My Belief in God, Faith, hope, dignity, values, morals, hard earned self-respect, joy, patience, strength, determination, empathy, mental clarity, confidence, inner peace.

I am doing away with other pieces...Torment, guilt, worry, pain, second guessing, selfishness, self-hatred, bitterness, anger, self-injury, chaos, fear, doubt.

I am adding new pieces...Forgiveness, unconditional love, freedom, grace, courage, the chance to live as me, guided by Him, thankfulness in all that is offered to me, belief in myself, a long forgotten smile on my face and absolute happiness in my heart...

My puzzle isn't done...It is still rocky where I would rather have smooth...Some pieces don't fit yet and others still have to find their way out of the puzzle...There are still some holes...The holes are there for my blessings...I know He will fill every one of them with whatever He has in store for me...

So given the chance, which pieces will you keep and which pieces will you destroy once and for all?


FRANCESCA BATTISTELLI
Like Sunlight Burning At Midnight
Making My Life Something So
Beautiful, Beautiful
Mercy Reaching To Save Me
All That I Need

A Gift...

The Lord Gives Strength To His People; The Lord Blesses His People With Peace.

Psalm 29:11

A gift from God can be determined in how you look at it...

The leaves changing in the fall...

The smile on your child's' face...

A little extra money that month...

Blueberry pancakes, puppy dogs & ice cream...

A full moon on a clear night...

A smile from a stranger...

A perfect white rose...

The smell of baking bread...

These are all gifts you can see & touch...


What about the gifts you can only feel?

Heartache, pain, turmoil, confusion, fear, anger, worry and doubt...

These aren't gifts from Him...

These are designed to bring you down and keep you down...

I have been down for so long...

I have had good days and awful days where I didn't want to even take a breath...

I didn't want to get out of bed for fear of what the day had in store...

I didn't want to go through my life scared...

I wanted to be me...

I wanted to be accepted for me...

No masks, no games.



Over the many months that have past, some things inside me have changed...

Questions have been swirling that I haven't voiced...

Confusion has played a major part of my thinking...

What does He want me to do?

What do I want to do?

Who am I?

The people around me have always defined me...Mom, wife, daughter, aunt, sister...

However I couldn't find "me"

Until recently...

The changes that are happening within me are captivating and glorious...

I am finding happiness...

I am finding peace...

I am finding acceptance...

I am finding me again and I am starting to like what I see...

The feelings are so new to me...

Exhilarating...

I feel like I am 20 years old again...

I want to skip down the street...

I want to dance in the rain...

I want to live again and He has given me that...

My most precious gift...Me - Whole again.

MATT MAHER
Broke Through My Deafness
Now I'm Breathing In And Breathing Out
I'm Alive Again
You Shattered My Darkness