10/06/89

20 years ago was one of the best days of my life...

My wedding day, the day I would marry my best friend...

We got married in a church at 5 pm on 10/06/89...

Wind Beneath My Wings & Endless Love were our wedding songs...

Our colors were Hunter Green & Dusty Rose...

We threw birdseed instead of rice so we didn't have a hand in making any birds sick...

He was 21, I was 18, two hearts joined together as one...

There was no other like him, I put my trust in him 100% and never looked back.

Life was never perfect however we always had one another so I knew we could face anything...

6 years passed then we had Eeyore...

8 years after Eeyore, we had Tigger...

19 years later my best friend walked away without a glance back and broke my heart in two...

Today 10/06/09 I am broken but not shattered...

I am mending my heart one day at a time...

He is still gone, I am still on my own, trying to find myself...

This time though I have God on my side...

I pray everyday for God's Will...

Not mine - His.

CREED
Can You Help Me Out, Can You Lend Me A Hand?

It's Safe To Say That I am Stuck Again

Trapped Between This Life And The Light

I Just Can't Figure Out, How To Make It Right.

Raging Sea

MICHAEL W. SMITH
RAGING SEA

Sometimes The Journey Makes You Weary
Feels Like A Long And Winding Road
Sometimes This Life Can Lose It's Meaning
But You Might Be Surprised To Find Some Hope

Maybe You're Wondering Where Love Is
You May Feel It's Far From Here
Maybe You're Wondering Where I Am
You Might Be Surprised To Find I'm Near

When Your Life Is Tossed And Turning
And You're On The Raging Sea
I'll Come And Pull You From The Water
Then You Will Know That You Are Free

So If You're Stumbling Through The Valley
Or If You're Tempted To Give Up The Fight

Reach Out Your Hand And I Will Lead You

I Will Be Your Strong Arm In The Night


This is the song I woke up with in my head this morning...

Gotta love how God works :)

The Bloom

Anais Nin - And The Day Came When The Risk To Remain Tight In A Bud Was More Painful Then The Risk It Took To Blossom...

I love this quote as it pertains to my life...

Living as a "bud" was easier...

I could keep myself wrapped up in my pain and not have to deal with anything...

I could walk around in a fog and pretend all was well...

I was essentially a zombie, a non-functioning one at that...

I wasn't parenting the way I should...

I was just getting by day after day...

Then as the days turned into weeks and the weeks turned into months, I started to blossom...


I can't pinpoint the exact time/day it happened...

All I know is I awoke one day and I made it through the day without being sick...

I made it through the day without crying...

I could look at my children and not want to break down...

I could hold my head up and not feel the crushing pain of facing the world...

I am still mortified that my husband has done this to our family...

I had to sit in the principals office today (for Tigger) and explain to his teacher, the principal and the school psychologist what has been going on because my child has decided to act out in class...

I did it on my own with minimal tears and my head down because I was embarrassed...

Then as all was said and done I asked myself why?

I have no reason to be embarrassed, I didn't rip my family apart for a piece of ass...

I didn't throw away 20 years because I needed to "find myself" - Hell I never knew he was "lost"...

I finally got it though because as I said to a friend of mine - I am more lost then found...

Almost 8 months since this started and I am still more lost then I thought I was...

8 months and I am no better off now...

Sure I have survived this length of time without killing him, her or myself however I am still just surviving...

Living an illusion and I didn't even realize it...

I am not really living and I need to figure out how to live again...

I need to see past my pain and help my boys to get past their pain so they can live a full and happy life...

I need them to know this wasn't anyway near their fault and the 3 of us can still be a family...

I need to learn how to breathe again without hurting...

I just don't know where to start.

CREED
When Shadows Paint The Scenes
Where Spotlights Used To Fall
And I'm Left Wondering
Is It Really Worth It All

The Phoenix Rises...

The phoenix is a mythical bird...

According to legend, it has a 500-1000 year life cycle...

Near the end of the life cycle, the bird builds itself a nest out of twigs that then ignites...

Both nest & bird burn fiercely and are reduced to ashes, from which a new young phoenix or phoenix egg arises, reborn anew to live again.

The new phoenix is destined to live as long as its old self...

In Chinese mythology, the phoenix is a symbol of high virtue & grace, of power & prosperity...

Think about that for a minute...

It is a beautiful analogy for all of our lives...

We have all been burned - Some more then others...

However each of us continues to rise from the ashes...

Sure we may fall and there are days when there isn't a hand in sight to help us up...

I have fallen and gotten up more times then I care to count...

There are some days when I feel like I am drowning and there is no land in sight...

Like a candle in a hurricane (as Rascal Flatts puts it)...

These are the days that I look back on with pride...

I am stronger today then I ever thought possible...

I am doing new things that I never thought I could do...

I have new/old friends that I adore...

I am becoming happy and for so long I never thought that would return to me...

I didn't stay in the ashes and suffocate...

Like the phoenix, I rose, spread my wings and now I am soaring...

Can you guess where this is?

I am going on a vacation by myself...

This is where I am going for 4 days next month

I will be leaving on Halloween...

I have never gone anywhere by myself as you all know and this opportunity has presented itself in the form of a working vacation...

2 of the 4 days that I will be there will be filled with meetings and conferences...

I am nervous and maybe a little scared but I am going to do this...

I have things I need to prove to myself and this is a good place to start...

I need to find balance within myself and the 2 days I won't be working, I will be alone, on an intense soul searching mission...

If any of you know what I do for a living, then it won't be to hard to figure out where I am going :)

CREED (new song "Rain" released today whoo-hoo!)

I Feel It's Gonna Rain Like This For Days

So Let It Rain Down And Wash Everything Away

I Hope That Tomorrow The Sun Will Shine

With Every Tomorrow Comes Another Life

Previous Post/Chips vs Pringles

I need to say one thing about this post...

These (chips vs pringles) weren't my thoughts nor was this my analogy...

This is how my Pastor put it...

Not saying I agree or disagree, I just wanted to share...

Nikki - I am with you...

Because it is all new to me as well, I struggle daily - I think that is where faith steps in...

Faith is believing in something you can't see...

MLK said it best - Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase.

(((Hugs))) to you all.

P.S. Did I tell you all my cat came home?