Two Sides

Father, Please...

2012-01-10T13:57:00.000-08:00

"But He Turned, And Said Unto Peter, Get Thee Behind Me, Satan: Thou Art An Offence Unto Me: For Thou Savourest Not The Things That Be Of God, But Those That Be Of Men."

Matthew 16:23 (KJV)

"For The Enemy Has Pursued My Soul; He Has Crushed My Life To The Ground; He Has Made Me Sit In Darkness Like Those Long Dead. Therefore My Spirit Faints Within Me; My Heart Within Me Is Appalled."

Psalm 143:3-4 (ESV)

Without question, I find it horrifying that as I draw closer to God, Satan seeks me more promptly than he ever has before.

I truly believe he finds great joy in watching (more so than non-believers) Christians fall and due to the fact that we carry the impression of Christ in us, he must take true delight in our shortcomings, as well as when we haul the cross of Christ behind us, through the muck and mire that we call living.

He has the talent to weave his way to the darkest, most private corners of our soul.

The areas we wouldn't dare allow another human being into; where your oppressive terror, concealed humiliation, and deepest confusion, lie in waiting to suck the very breath out of you.

In these areas, he attaches himself and is RELENTLESS as he pours out doubts, lies, and worry, holding fast as he waits for us to give up; our defeat being his ultimate prize, never sleeping, never loosening the grasp, always waiting, always weaving, always attempting to devastate....

For.

Life.

He knows all to well how to tip the scales; he knows my weaknesses, he knows my deepest fears, he knows how exhausted I feel trying to balance Church, work, Seminary, single parenting, a (what seems like) never-going-to-be-final divorce....

He whispers to my soul at night, when the house is silent, when everyone is sleeping, with a heart wrapped in bitterness and pain, I hear his call ~ To hate him or to hate her.

That in this instance, it is okay if I don't forgive, that neither one of them deserves to be forgiven, energized by the hatred he knows I am a breath away from, he whispers over and over, encouraging me to have a hardened heart, towards the ones who inflicted unspeakable pain, in the pursuit of their own selfish happiness.

I have been taught to guard my mind, however, there are times that I inadvertently allow that guard down and that is when the foothold is opened for him.

I did it last night; dread and terror (not fear - sheer terror) dripped off me as if I had just showered under them and panic danced onto the scene, that cold hand spread across my throat, threatening to cut off my air, my heart was pounding as if it was going to beat right out of my chest, and I felt the cold sweat run down my back.

I haven't had a panic attack in over a year and a half (the last one was at Bible study) and I didn't want this one either, however the signs were in place and I just knew it was inevitable.

"Father, please, no."

I just returned home from a meeting and I could see the scene playing out in my head; I "see" the men I will face later on this month, for them to determine if I will receive a license to preach, the terror was now full blown and unkind words were all I could see; "failure" "you are a joke" "you don't belong" "you are different" "they will laugh" "they don't want you there" "you don't fit in, nor will you EVER fit in."

The hand of panic is squeezing tighter, tears filling my eyes, knowing the full blown panic attack is just about upon me and I can't stop it....

"Father, please, make it stop"

And somewhere, from the recesses of my mind, a verse came over me, not the complete verse, just a small portion ~

"Get behind me Satan"

As I uttered the words over and over, the squeezing became less intense, my breathing returned to normal, my heartbeat slowed and the tears subsided.

My Father came under me to lift me over the fear, over the panic and set me back on solid ground, no medication involved, just Him hearing my desperate plea.

The opinion of "man" has always been one of my downfalls, what "they" think of me and knowing what I am about to face has seriously placed a dent in my armor.

When I knew that this was indeed what He wanted me to do, I stood at His altar and promised Him that no matter what, I would face any and all adversity, even if it felt like I was standing alone.

Regardless of what any person might have to say, regardless of what any person may feel about me, my job is to obey Him and to serve out the purposes He has placed before me, to glorify His Kingdom...

No matter what.

Does this make me naive or simple?

It is a great possibility.

However, there is no greater opinion, blessing, nor honor... Than the one of my Father.

He is the one who has instilled my gifts, not "man."

He is the final judge of me, not "man."

He called me, not "man."

He paves my path, not "man."

Walking this road, I have learned that when I am the very closest with my Father, that is when I am going to be attacked, that Satan will be consistent in trying to kick me down and push me back, endlessly striving to break my spirit.

He wants my spirit broken.

He wants me to give up.

I will not bow down to him, nor to "man."

In the future, I will do well to remember these words.

MIKESCHAIR
You're Worth It, You Can't Earn It
Yeah The Cross Has Proven
That You're Sacred And Blameless
Your Life Has Purpose

I Choose Crystal

2012-01-07T10:35:00.000-08:00

"In A Well-Furnished Kitchen There Are Not Only Crystal Goblets And Silver Platters, But Waste Cans And Compost Buckets—Some Containers Used To Serve Fine Meals, Others To Take Out The Garbage. Become The Kind Of Container God Can Use To Present Any And Every Kind Of Gift To His Guests For Their Blessing."

2 Timothy 2:20-21 (The Message)

It has been a week of one major up, as well as one major down, and a few ripples thrown in for good measure.

Early on in the week I found out I made the Dean's list ~ Shut Up! were the first words out of my mouth when I received the email.

I called my Dad, informed my Mom and Sister, emailed a copy to my Pastor, as well as texted my Reverend and my prayer partner.

Yes; I was proud, because quite frankly when I used to be in school, the only "list" I ever made was the detention or the suspension list. :)

That was my "up".

I also found out that Eeyore was choosing to stay with his Dad and since he is 16, there is basically nothing I can do about it, huge blow, because I was naive enough to think that he would of course, choose me.

I figured in time he would see through the actions of his Dad and realize that at this point in time, he isn't exactly the type of person you would want to emulate.

I found that out yesterday, I also found a huge source of anger that I didn't know I had.

I was mad at the lawyers, furious with my husband for dragging this out so long (almost 3 years now), and quite frankly disgusted with the whole process.

So I sat there, angry and so very sad, asking Him why?

Every fiber of my being was tempted to call my husband and tell him what I truly thought of him at that point in time, yet, I found myself emailing my Pastor instead.

Struggling deeply with anger, acceptance and forgiveness.

As I wrote to him, letting him know what had happened and where I "was" emotionally, I found the anger dissipating a little bit as I wrote that I "accepted and forgave the affair, the abandonment, as well as the filing of divorce, however, turning my son against me? I don't know that I have it in me."

I don't know how to accept that, much less forgive.

But, I have to.

I sent the email and then found myself in the Word, seeking for peace, for the comfort I know only He can give me.

As I read different verses, finding the peace I was searching for, I came across the one you see at the top -

2 Timothy 2:20-21.

The first thing I thought when I read it, was that I didn't want to be a filthy vessel used by Him.

Knowing that I will fall into transgression if I let go of either, His complete sovereignty or the full responsibility of my sins.

The point Paul (I love Paul and relate so easily to him) is making in this text is we have a choice:

Will you choose to be a filthy vessel that God uses for dishonor?

Or, will you choose to be a clean vessel that God uses for honor?

He WILL use either, however, WE are accountable for the choice made.

We live in a world where we become stained on a daily (sometimes moment by moment) basis and when we confess our sins, the blood of Jesus is applied to our dirty lives.

In order to be a vessel for honor, you must walk in the light, confessing all your known sins to God.

To be a vessel of dishonor, you will continue to stumble around in the darkness, never cleansing yourself from sin.

You must choose the type of vessel you are going to be and then you must cleanse
yourself to become a vessel of honor.

This your responsibility.

If we allow our minds to continue to embrace false teaching and we allow our lives to be continually tainted by sin, then we are not useful to our Master.

I emailed my Pastor back, letting him know that I was okay, that I had found several verses in Ephesians, and they had helped restore the peace back into my soul.

"I will allow it to be one more cornerstone in my testimony of what He has allowed me to face, as well as how He walked me through it and perhaps one day, I will be able to help someone else who may face the same trial." (a portion of what my email said to him)

In time, He will help me to accept, forgive, and move forward.

He strengthens me, His word says so ~

Philippians 4:10-14 (The Message) "I'm glad in God, far happier than you would ever guess—happy that you're again showing such strong concern for me. Not that you ever quit praying and thinking about me. You just had no chance to show it. Actually, I don't have a sense of needing anything personally. I've learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I'm just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I've found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am. I don't mean that your help didn't mean a lot to me—it did. It was a beautiful thing that you came alongside me in my troubles."

(I love the way this Scripture is stated in the Message Bible.)

So, which vessel are you choosing to be?

Many Blessings.

SCOTT KRIPPAYNE
He Has A Reason For Each Trial
That We Pass Through In Life
And Though We're Shaken
We Cannot Be Pulled Apart From Christ

Hot Cocoa Is The Answer

2012-01-02T21:21:00.000-08:00

"To Open The Blind Eyes, To Bring Out The Prisoners From The Prison, And Them That Sit In Darkness Out Of The Prison House."

Isaiah 42:7 (KJV)

I drink a cup of cocoa almost every single night, regardless of the weather outside, and I have been doing this for about 22 years.

To me, there is nothing more comforting than a hot mug of cocoa with whipped cream and chocolate sprinkles (or marshmallows).

I spent 3 years in northern Italy and the hot cocoa that is served there is literally eaten with a spoon, thick as mud and oh so very good!

I have tried just about every cocoa on the market, as well as in most of the restaurants I frequent.

I have tried it with milk as well as with water (I prefer water) and I actually used to own a Cocomotion ( I loved that thing).

As I stood by the stove tonight, waiting for my water to boil tonight, my mind was playing on a question that I hear, quite frankly too often, "Didn't you have any warning?"

"No, I did not" is my standard answer.

Before I go any further, let me just say, I am not stupid nor am I an idiot, and I am not a hillbilly from the backwoods....

I am educated, I carry a 4.0 GPA in Seminary school, I can count, I can use the word "malevolence" correctly in a sentence (see below), I can change a tire, check my oil, build a fire, know the difference between a phillips head and a flat head etc...

I may be blonde and have some serious "blonde moments" but I am not a bubble head...

Sometimes, it is the smallest things in life that we overlook.

For almost 3 years I have racked my brain trying to come up with an answer.

I have spent countless hours dissecting each and every conversation my husband and I had prior to the separation, and I still come up with a big, fat "nothing."

We didn't fight, we rarely argued and if you had asked me, I was under the assumption that life was perfect, our life was perfect.

2 gorgeous, healthy boys, semi-successful jobs, house, cars etc....

He made me cocoa... Every. Single. Night.

The only thing missing was the proverbial "white picket fence."

If you have read here for any length of time, "blindsided" doesn't even begin to describe what happened.

Almost 3 years later and I still have my breath taken away by the sheer malevolence he has shown/continues to show...

In the words of Shakespeare, "This was the most unkindest cut of all."

Perhaps, because he was the one I trusted the most in this world, the one I counted on to never, ever hurt me, the one who would stand by my side until the very end, became the very one who stuck the knife in the deepest, intentionally.

It took me a long time to move past the anger, the pain and the betrayal.

I made a conscious decision to not allow what he did to define me, in doing that I had to be willing to trust someone again...

God saw fit to place G and my Pastor on my path.

Two men who are polar opposites of my husband, willing to teach me that to trust again, is a good thing, and each of them slowly worked, in their own way, to make sure I didn't get stuck inside myself, as a emotionally broken shell of a woman, yet they also taught me they are human and as such they have the ability to unintentionally hurt me and, He is the only one I can truly trust, with every single thing in my life and never, ever be hurt.

Once trust was established with these men, He placed other people in my path and each one brings with them, the chance to relearn how to love, how to trust, and yes; how to be vulnerable again, because you can't truly trust anyone, unless you are open to the possibility of being hurt once again.

I poured the hot water into my mug, stirred until all the chocolate was melted, added a (not so) healthy dollop of whipped cream, grabbed a handful of marshmallows, if you are going to drink hot cocoa, you have to do it right (FYI - These are the BEST!!) and found myself stopping right before I threw the marshmallows on top.....

My eyes clouded over and my mind took me back to 2009, right about this time (perhaps a week or so later)...

As much as I hate these "mind-journeys" into the past at the most inopportune times, I know that there is an answer there that He is trying to show me...

I saw my answer.

My mind came back to the present, I finished making my cocoa and as I looked at the perfect concoction I had just whipped up, I realized a small detail that had escaped me 3 years ago....

He stopped making me hot cocoa.

SCOTT STAPP
I Was Selfish
But You Still Loved Me
You Gave The Greatest Gift Of All
And You Set Me Free

Merry Christmas

2011-12-24T12:01:00.000-08:00

"For Unto You Is Born This Day In The City Of David A Saviour, Which Is Christ The Lord."

Luke 2:11 (KJV)

You go through your life hoping that you are making a difference, that what you are doing is having some form of an impact, on the lives of the children He places in your life.

You do this with adults as well, however, the children are just, if not more, important.

My boys have witnessed things they never should have seen, lived through trials that would bring most adults to their knees and fought to overcome tribulations, when they should just be enjoying being a kid.

Tigger is 8 now, going on about 20 it seems.

He is fiercely protective, empathetic, sensitive, loving and severely prone to worry, especially when what he is worrying about is me.

A crushing trait I have fought to overcome, now rests in the eyes of my little one.

It is humbling to me, and to be honest it is also heart-breaking to witness.

I know what it is like to face life filled with worry, to always have that breath of anxiety whispering through your soul.

It has taken me years to overcome it and there are still days when it creeps up on me.

That voice that says, "No, everything is not going to be alright." "You are going to fail."

I see the same look in his eyes, that I used to see in mine...

The uncertainty of what is around the corner, the sheer terror that "something" is going to happen and the uneasiness that you just can't take anything else.

I pray over him when he is sleeping, I have anointed him with oil that has been prayed over and blessed, as he lays resting peacefully, I pray that I am doing the right thing where he and his brother are concerned.

Do they see Him in me?

Do they know that this isn't easy for me either, that each decision I make is questioned no less than a hundred times and then carefully prayed over?

Do they know that all I want for Christmas is some form of a sign, that I am doing the right thing where they are concerned?

2 nights ago I stepped out of the movie theater, having just seen "Courageous," and my heart was heavy.

**Sidenote ~ If you are a man and you are a father or planning on becoming a father at any point in time, I urge you to see this movie with an open heart and then I beg of you to do the right thing where your children are concerned.**

All those questions popped up within me, questions I don't have an answer to, questions that I can't take to my husband since we are not on the same wave length, questions that only He can answer.

As I stood outside the car talking silently within to Him, my cell rang, Tigger on the other end of the line (he has been at his Dads' house since last Saturday) and the conversation went like this;

Tigger ~ "Mommy, I have something I need to tell you."

Me ~ "What is that buddy?"

Tigger ~ "You know my Christmas list that I gave you?" (The one that is a mile long? How could I forget??)

Me ~ "I sure do. Did you forget something?" (Dread filling me at the thought of having to hit one more shopping center, face one more unhappy cashier, or find one more parking place that isn't 67 miles away from the entrance.)

Tigger ~ "No Mommy, I just wanted to tell you that you can throw it away. I don't need or want those things anymore." (Great, a new list 4 days before Christmas, just what I was hoping for!)

Me ~ "Why is that Punk?" ( I use this same nickname for both boys at times)

Tigger ~ "Christmas isn't about what is under the tree. It is nice to have that stuff, but it is about God."

Me ~ **Tears... Instant weeping mess and huge smiles on my face (sniffles but no words)**

Tigger ~ "Don't cry Mommy, if I get 2 of the same things, we can find another kid who doesn't have it and give it to them."

Me ~ "There is nothing I can say except I am very, very proud of you Punk."

And right there at that exact moment in time, I knew I was doing something right.

When you are around the same people all the time, it is hard to see any form of an impact, once you place those people outside the circle for any length of time, your eyes are opened to see what it is that you are truly seeking within them.

You are no longer seeing the destructive traits, you get to see the good.

I see Him in my son, His light when Tigger sings or when he lays with his eyes tightly closed, as he prays...

He does everything with 110% and always has, whether it be good or bad, he throws his all into it, never having known the word fear nor the word cautious, two flaws he didn't inherit from me (**Happy dance**).

That small conversation made my Christmas all the brighter and all the merrier.

I know what each of them truly wanted for Christmas and I couldn't be the one to give it to them.

Their Heavenly Father knows as well and I trust that He will be near each of them tomorrow morning, as they rise excitedly to see what is under the tree, as they breathlessly rip open each present to discover what is inside and my prayer is that they have a very Merry Christmas.

My prayer is for each of you to have a very Merry Christmas and a wonderful New Year.

I pray His guidance over each one of you, His peace to drench your soul, His love to saturate every fiber of your being, His mercy to cover you and His grace to fully satisfy you.

God bless each and every one of you.

Always.

MICHAEL W. SMITH
Be Near Me Lord Jesus
I Ask Thee To Stay
Close By Me Forever
And Love Me I Pray

11/06/11

2011-12-14T06:41:00.000-08:00

As I stated a few weeks ago, here is my first official sermon, which was delivered on 11/06/11. G received his copy so now here you go... Yes it is long, but I won't apologize ;)

How Much Are You Willing To Sacrifice, In Order To Walk With Him?

All Scriptures that I will be using are coming from the English Standard Version Bible;

Beginning with:

2 Chronicles 20:2-7; “Some men came and told Jehoshaphat, "A great multitude is coming against you from Edom, from beyond the sea; and, behold, they are in Hazazon-tamar" (that is, Engedi). Then Jehoshaphat was afraid and set his face to seek the LORD, and proclaimed a fast throughout all Judah. And Judah assembled to seek help from the LORD; from all the cities of Judah they came to seek the LORD. And Jehoshaphat stood in the assembly of Judah and Jerusalem, in the house of the LORD, before the new court, and said, "O LORD, God of our fathers, are you not God in heaven? You rule over all the kingdoms of the nations. In your hand are power and might, so that none is able to withstand you. Did you not, our God, drive out the inhabitants of this land before your people Israel, and give it forever to the descendants of Abraham your friend?”

As I read these verses of Scriptures, the one thing that continued to stand out to me was; when in fear, pray.

During this time, Israel and Judah were divided. Jehoshaphat was the 4th king of the separated kingdom of Judah, somewhere around 873-848 B.C. He was a follower of the commandments of God and during his 3rd year reigning, he sent out princes, Levites and priests, to go from city to city, teaching the people the Book of the Law.

In these passages of Scripture we find that Jehoshaphat was in serious trouble and he was very afraid, for the army that was approaching was a powerful one, and he knew it was more than they would be able to handle. (It also shows that no matter how devoted you are to God, at some point in your life, you are going to have to face off with fear). In order for the Lord to offer His help, the people of Judah had to do something first. They had to come together, turn their attention away from the troubles surrounding them, and back to their complete trust in God.

The people of Judah did not know what would happen, however, they trusted in the Lord, and because of that trust, they were delivered from enemies who were seeking to kill them.

We need to get back to the place where our complete trust in God, is the central focus of our heart and mind.

Remember when Peter walked on the water? Matthew 14:30-31 reads “But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, "Lord, save me." Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, "O you of little faith, why did you doubt?”

The first thing I noticed in this passage of Scripture was that, Jesus didn’t immediately reach out and save Peter. Peter had to ask for help first, and as soon as he did, then he received it.

If we honestly believe that the power of Jesus Christ flows through us in all of our difficult times; He will see us through each of the storms; He will walk us over every single mountain; and He will guide us across the raging seas.

It is a necessity that we stand firm in our faith and listen as He speaks to us through the Holy Spirit.

But what about the times when a problem can seem so overwhelming, that we don’t even know where to begin, much less how to tackle it? All too often we become so completely focused on the problem, that we tend to forget about the big picture and that is where God is. The big picture is what shows us that God is in complete control, even during the times when we are not.

There are going to be times when we have to fight the difficulties of life, however, the outcome is already in the hands of God and He has promised to protect us and deliver us.

All we have to do is stop at the first sign of trouble and turn to God with our absolute trust. He will then guide our steps from there, just as he guided the steps of King Jehoshaphat’s army. King Jehoshaphat and his people were scared and they did the smartest thing they could have done: They turned to the Lord and put their faith in His ability to protect them.

Hebrews 13:8 tells us that Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today, and forever. Without question, His truth, His love and His faithfulness, has continued, throughout all of time, unchanged and since we know that God helped those who honestly relied upon Him back then, He will do the same for those who honestly rely upon Him today.

Sadly; the problem is locating people who are truly willing to put themselves to the side, so they can place God first. To all things, there is a sacrifice that must be made and in order to follow Jesus you are required to turn your back on certain things of this world.

The things you need to turn away from differ from person to person; however, think about it this way ~ If it is keeping you from being fully devoted to Christ, then it must be sacrificed.

My question for you this afternoon is this; How much are you willing to sacrifice, in order to walk with Him?

We have been presented with something that requires us to make a very honest choice, perhaps for the very first time in our lives.

As a Christian, do you find yourselves in situations, that you know you shouldn’t be taking a part of; or do you find yourselves skipping things that you know, deep down, you should be doing?

Are you accountable enough to Jesus, in order to keep your focus, each and every single day, no matter what?

Often times it is as simple as not finding Church interesting any more or perhaps you feel you have done enough work during the week, you look forward to unwinding at the clubs on Friday and Saturday nights and then spend Sundays recuperating instead of getting up and going to Church.

It could be that you feel you are far enough along in your spirituality or perhaps you feel you have already done enough for the Lord, and you have become lax in your day to day walk. It starts out almost innocently; You can no longer find the time for prayer; you forget to bless your food before you sit down to eat it; you no longer attend Bible study; your attitude towards loving your fellow man has shifted, and before you know it, you have stopped renewing your mind altogether.

He wants you to be a follower and He expects you to take the responsibility of following Him, very seriously.

Regrettably sacrifice is something many people just aren’t willing to do; however, we have to give up something, in order to receive something.

We are so selfish that we continuously make allowances for our sins and shortcomings, instead of owning up to our own mistakes, and then we would rather blame everyone else, including the enemy for every single thing that goes wrong in our lives, most especially for stealing our focus off of God. I have a newsflash for you, the enemy cannot steal our focus; He will absolutely do whatever it takes to seduce you into his trap, however, when all is said and done, we are the ones who made the decision to shift our focus.

Just as the Israelites did, often we find ourselves in the midst of some serious trouble. However, we have got to always remember one very important thing; On our own, we have zero defenses against an attack from the enemy.

If we stop and consider how truly helpless we are, we will then be able to come to the belief that the only place we can find real help, is to go to God and allow Him to battle the enemy on our behalf.

We delude ourselves into thinking that we can handle the trouble the enemy dishes out, without fully relying on God. This leads to many clueless Christians thinking they can actually challenge the devil, with their power alone. However, it will always end with the devil showing you, that you have no power. Exodus 14:14 reads “The LORD will fight for you, and you have only to be silent."

Always keep it in your mind that we have to fully trust in God to defeat our enemies, no matter what the situation is that we are facing.

So, we know that our only help is through God, but how can we access His help?

All throughout Scripture, He promises us over and over again that if we go to Him, He will come to us. That if we seek His presence within our hearts, He will rescue us from our enemies. The help is found through our faith, that He will deliver us, just as promised.

We have something today that the people back then didn’t have, we have the Bible.

In Exodus 13:21 we find a perfect example of how the Israelites were assured they were on the correct path as they were following Moses out of slavery ~ “And the LORD went before them by day in a pillar of cloud to lead them along the way, and by night in a pillar of fire to give them light, that they might travel by day and by night.”

Today, the Bible gives us information on how to know we are in God’s will. When we are faced with troubles, the first thing we should be doing is going to God, in prayer. Yet, most of us would prefer to go back to where we were, before the trouble began. Running backwards is never going to be the answer and as far as I know, it doesn’t help the situation either. But for some unknown reason, this is just something that we feel is easier to do, instead of standing firm, having faith, and watching what God does for us.

King Jehoshaphat and all the people devoted themselves to prayer and giving thanks and the Lord expects us to devote ourselves to Him in this same manner.

He wants us to be diligent in the time we spend with Him in prayer and He also wants us to commit just as much time listening to Him, as He responds to us.

It is one thing to have a monologue, yet, it is considerably different to have a dialogue.

During our prayer time, we may hear the voice of the Holy Spirit, however, the voice may not be telling us exactly what we want to hear, and so what do we do?

We keep praying, hoping that if we pray harder, longer or even louder, we will finally get what we want. We have got to be willing to pray for His answers and not turn Him off, if it isn’t what we want to hear.

If we are going to call ourselves Christians, then we must be willing to make sacrifices and we have to be faithful in those sacrifices. A good place to start is with sacrificing the things of this world that hold our attention, so that we can put that focus back on God.

We have to be relentless in becoming more God-focused. The desire of your heart should be more of what He offers, instead of what the world offers.

As it is stated in Mark, Matthew as well as in Luke, we have to let our old lives, along with our selfish desires die away and we need to become reborn in Christ. A fresh, brand-new beginning: Dedicated, focused, and determined to living like we belong to Jesus.

You have got to make a decision to place your feet on either His side or the worlds’ side. You cannot have one foot in each world.

When I started on this road, I honestly tried hard to keep one foot in my world and one foot in His world, perhaps, because I needed to know I had that fallback in case this didn’t work out, however, the longer I kept a foot in each world, the more torn I became. Somewhere along the way, it began to feel like a game of tug-o-war raging within me, one side wanting to go left, the other side wanting to go right.

The pull of each world is very real; On one hand, there was the world I used to know, the one I was most comfortable in. I had my friends, family, loved ones and things I liked to do (that may or may not have been sinful). That is the comfort I had known all my life, I controlled that world, or at least I thought I did.

On the other hand, I found myself in a new world; in His world, the things were new, people were new and in the beginning, I will admit, I was extremely uncomfortable, so far out of my comfort zone, that half the time I didn’t know which way was up. I struggled to find where I belonged and the pull from my old world would continue to call me, at the same time the pull of the Holy Spirit fought to keep me.

I knew I would have to make a decision, to plant both feet in only one of the worlds, once and for all. I sacrificed my fallback and the life I once knew, because I realized that He was the only true presence I needed in my life.

In the Book of Mark we find that a rich man once told Jesus he wanted to follow Him. When Jesus told him he first had to get rid of all the things of the world that held his attention, the man walked away sorrowful. He wanted to follow Jesus, however, he did not want Him badly enough to sacrifice the things that meant more to him than Jesus did.

And that is exactly what Jesus wants from each one of us today; to sacrifice those things we do in life, that take away from our walk with Him.

King Jehoshaphat knew the truth of the situation. He didn’t have the power to withstand an attack from a bigger army. So they stopped, refocused, and put all their attention on God.

When we can do that, we show God just how determined and genuine we are about pursuing His help and presence in our lives, this is when He shows us, just how serious and sincere He is for us.

Yes; you are going to have problems in this life, and yes, some problems are going to be more difficult to get over than others. But if we don’t focus our attention on Him, we run the risk of not even beginning to know to which way to turn, much less what to do next. We become trapped in an endless cycle and then we panic trying desperately to fix everything ourselves.

King Jehoshaphat went into this battle, knowing full well that they would lose and be killed, if God did not keep His promises. He stood firm in the Lord, trusting in God to protect them.

We need to get to the point where, our feelings cannot be hurt badly enough to turn us away; we will not be discouraged enough to turn around, and we cannot lose enough to cause us to quit.

Remembering if we end up with nothing, we will still come out ahead knowing that, as Philippians 3:7-8 states; “But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ.”

We will finally be able to get to the point where; Demons will no longer be able to ambush us, people will no longer be able to embitter us, there isn’t a sickness around that is going to stop us and battles will no longer defeat us. And because our walk with Jesus will be so unwavering, hell wouldn’t even begin to know, how to handle us.

With each step I take, I claim the victory for God. I will not give up, I will sacrifice whatever it takes, and I will always, always try to inspire others to join me.

2000 years ago, the ultimate sacrifice was paid. Jesus suffered extreme humiliation, unbelievable pain and the shedding of His blood, for you. He bought your peace, safety and security in the Land of Promise; Your eternal life with God. Why I ask, wouldn’t you be willing to sacrifice your all, for Him?

I will leave you with these parting words; from the Book of Joshua, chapter 1 verses 5-9, and it reads; “No man shall be able to stand before you all the days of your life. Just as I was with Moses, so I will be with you. I will not leave you or forsake you. Be strong and courageous, for you shall cause this people to inherit the land that I swore to their fathers to give them. Only be strong and very courageous, being careful to do according to all the law that Moses my servant commanded you. Do not turn from it to the right hand or to the left, that you may have good success wherever you go. This Book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do according to all that is written in it. For then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go."

Amen.

Secret Santa Delivery

2011-12-13T10:03:00.000-08:00

"She Will Bear A Son, And You Shall Call His Name Jesus, For He Will Save His People From Their Sins."

Matthew 1:21 (ESV)

I apologize for the shoddy picture, I am not a photographer :)))

Yesterday the mailman took forever to put the mail in the mailbox and when I was able to go out and get it, I found a package for me. *Smiles*

The return address was on the package, however, scratched out so I can't even send a thank you card. *Bummer*

Each present was individually wrapped, however, in my excitement to see something other than a letter from my lawyer, I didn't think to grab my camera beforehand. *Sorry*

I haven't a clue who my Secret Santa is, though I know she resides in California since that is where the postmark is from. *Wink*

Inside was a treasure trove of goodies...

A GORGEOUS postcard from California Wine Country. *Saving it*

A YUMMY bag of Ghiradelli Squares/Dark Chocolate and Mint. *Eating it* (not all by myself, I am not selfish, I will share one square!)

ADORABLE cupcake magnetic bookmarks. *LOVE!* **Sidenote, I use these types of bookmarks in my various Bibles and I never seem to have enough... Never blogged about them so she must have read my mind**

An AWESOME online organizer. *Cute* (Now I can clear out my "favorites" menu which is about a mile long when I open it!)

A BEAUTIFUL ornament with the words of 'O Little Town of Bethlehem printed on it. *Grins*

The last thing I opened was a small jewelry box, inside, nestled on what looked like straw (am I the only one who sees this???) was a GLORIOUS bronze Cross hanging on a length of cord. *Tears*

Yes I am a sap for any Cross ~ Sue me ;)

The Cross is hanging right above my desk where I can look at it when I become weary (I have finals this week, I am beyond weary) or when I just need to know He is still right there beside me.

**To my Secret Santa, thank you from the bottom of my heart, it was if you truly knew me.

May His richest blessings surround you and your family during the season of His birth.

JOSH GROBAN
Oh Hear The Angel Voices
Oh Night Divine
Oh Night When Christ Was Born
Oh Night Divine, Oh Night, Oh Night Divine

Speak Life

2011-11-29T22:34:00.000-08:00

"Use Your Heads As You Live And Work Among Outsiders. Don't Miss A Trick. Make The Most Of Every Opportunity. Be Gracious In Your Speech. The Goal Is To Bring Out The Best In Others In A Conversation, Not Put Them Down, Not Cut Them Out."

Colossians 4:5-6 (The Message)

When I gave my first sermon, my Pastor told the congregation that after that night, I would never be the same.

As usual, he wasn't lying.

Before God, my family and friends, I was charged to speak life into people, all people.

What he didn't tell me, was how to speak life into the ones who are so hateful and ugly.

The ones who whisper behind your back, then smile to your face.

The ones who wait for you to make a mistake, then rub your face in it.

The ones who turn their face, when they see you coming.

The ones who cut you down, with every breath they take.

The ones who take pleasure in seeing you stumble, in seeing you fail.

It is easy to speak life into those who are nice to you, it isn't so easy to speak life into those that wish your death.

The day after I was charged with this, something within me began to stir.

I could no longer just belt out a response and then feel guilt over it later, before I could even open my mouth, I could hear the whisper "Speak Life" within my soul.

I would find out later that this would be part of the Sanctification process.

Sanctification is defined as; To set apart, consecrate...To make holy, purify.

Sanctification is a progressive work done by the Holy Spirit over the span of our entire lives.

It is a painful process at times...

The Lord is working with you to fully expose and weed out all of the negative qualities that He doesn't want to be within your personality.

God desires that each of us enter into a true sanctification process with Him so that He can begin the process of molding, shaping, and transforming us into the image of His Son.

Once the Sanctification process starts, you have to be willing to work with the Holy Spirit.

You have to get into His Word and find out exactly what He would want to change about you, then you need to find the qualities He will want you to put onto your personality, as well as which ones He would like you to remove.

Begin with the 9 Fruits of the Spirit; Love, Joy, Peace, Longsuffering, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self-Control.

Remember, these are His, not yours.

His love, His joy, His peace etc...Stamped into your personality.

I seem to have gotten off track... Back to speaking life.

Negative and abusive words cut to the very center of a person.

Remember that old adage "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me?"

What a lie that is.

Words hurt.

The tongue has the power of life and of death.

Words spoken in anger, words spoken in passing, words spoken out of pain...

If you aren't mindful of the words you are speaking, you have the power to cut someone to their very core.

By nature, I am a sensitive person, perhaps too sensitive, depending on who you ask.

I spent a lifetime seeking the approval of others, seeking kind words, seeking praise from those surrounding me and there were more times than naught that it didn't matter what I did, it just didn't seem to be enough.

Then the world as I knew it blew up in my face and I was suddenly surrounded by people who were kind, caring and compassionate.

People who were more than willing to give me the approval I sought for so long, the only problem I found was that I wasn't seeking approval of "man" anymore...

I was seeking His.

He is the one I go to, before I do anything, His words are what I seek, His approval is what I need, His praise is what I want.

However, because I am human, there are still days when other humans can take the wind right out of my sails, with a careless word or with an ugly phrase.

No matter where we go in life, we are bound to face off with difficult people, with people who seem to derive extreme pleasure in hurting others, and then there are the ones who just don't know that what they are saying, is actually hurtful.

I have spent no less than the past 2 weeks listening to a few people who seem to fit under this umbrella and then there are a couple who just seem to enjoy being mean....

It doesn't matter what is being said, what matters is the response you (or me in this case) project.

Do you respond in anger, perhaps with even uglier words?

Do you get angry and allow them to ruin your day?

It took me an awful long time to learn, to actually put into play, that I will not allow someone else to steal my joy and I will be the first to admit I still let it happen, especially depending on who the person is.

My skin is not thick, perhaps thicker than it used to be, however I still take to heart what people say to me, as well as about me.

It has taken me a long time to fully understand that people will hate you for one of three reasons; They hate themselves, they want to be you or they feel you are a threat to them.

It is a process that I am working on, to get to the place where it no longer bothers me, where no matter what you say, nor what you do, I will not allow it to affect my life.

How I respond though, falls squarely on my shoulders.

Sometimes I just listen and don't respond, sometimes I will respond with kind (not like) words, sometimes I will just walk away...

Each response brings something to me....

Peace.

You see I have to live with myself and the responses I give to people and I have found that if I give the wrong ones, I have tremendous amounts of guilt, because I know it is displeasing to Him.

M told me one day, as I was struggling with how to react to all that was going around me, to stop and look at the person as a child of His, not as my husband or a friend or a family member ~ As a child of God.

Once you are able to put that into perspective, speaking life becomes easier.

I am not going to tell you that you, (nor I for that matter) won't fall back into old habits of lashing out in anger, because we aren't perfect, however, it becomes easier as time goes on.

2 years ago, you could have lashed out at me and most likely I would have responded word for ugly word, a year ago, I most likely would have defended or argued, today I make the effort to see Him in each person I come in contact with, knowing He placed them on my path for a reason.

I told my Pastor last week, if you are going to continually look for the good in people, regardless of how they treat you, there is a price that must be paid...

The question is, are you willing to pay the price?

Are you willing to put yourself out there, in the path of the fiery darts, to seek the goodness, underneath all the rubbish?

If you call yourself a Christian that is exactly what you should be doing.

Speak life, kindness, compassion and love....

The reward will come from within you and it allows His light to shine out of you.

TENTH AVENUE NORTH
And It's Not Enough To Just Say, "I Believe"
'Cause Truth Is That Talk Is Cheap
So Grace Give Me Eyes To See

Striving For Gratefulness

2011-11-23T22:45:00.000-08:00

"Rejoice Evermore. Pray Without Ceasing. In Every Thing Give Thanks: For This Is The Will Of God In Christ Jesus Concerning You."

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Charles Dickens ~ " No one is useless in this world who lightens the burden of another."

For those who have been placed on my path, who help to make my burdens lighter.

Albert Schweitzer ~ "In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit."

For those who help my inner spirit to soar.

Alphonse Karr ~ "Some people are always grumbling because roses have thorns; I am thankful that thorns have roses."

For those who teach me how to view life from a different perspective.

Viki King ~ "You won't be happy with more until you're happy with what you've got."

For those who opened my eyes to see just how truly blessed I am.

Helen Keller ~ "The best and most beautiful things in this world cannot be seen or even heard, but must be felt with the heart."

For those who have touched my heart in ways I can not even begin to express.

Victoria Monfort ~ "Choosing Trust over Doubt gets me burned once in a while, but I'd rather be singed than hardened."

For those who showed me it was okay to trust again.

Audrey Hepburn ~ "People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone."

For those who take the time to guide and help me to be the woman I am becoming.

Belinda Garrison ~ "Fear grows out of the things we think; it lives in our minds. Compassion grows out of the things we are, and lives in our hearts."

For those who help to calm my fears and those who show me where compassion lives.

George Colman ~ "Praise the bridge that carried you over."

For those who helped bridge the line between bitterness and forgiveness.

Alfred North Whitehead ~ "No one who achieves success does so without the help of others. The wise and confident acknowledge this help with gratitude."

For those who want nothing more than for me to succeed.

Sarah Ban Breathnach ~ "Be grateful for the home you have, knowing that at this moment, all you have is all you need."

For those who welcomed me into their family... Regardless.

William Feather ~ "Many of our prayers were not answered, and for this we are now grateful."

For those who showed me that sometimes unanswered prayers, truly are a blessing.

I love Thanksgiving.

It is my absolute favorite holiday of the year.

You get to eat some of the best foods ever made and you don't have to buy hundreds of dollars worth of presents that will break within a month anyway.

You don't have to decorate your house with all sorts of greens and reds.

There are no mounds of tinsel, nor tangled lights to contend with.

There is a crispness in the air, gorgeous leaves on the grounds and the air just smells like cinnamon and pumpkins.

You get to break out your fall sweaters, boots and jackets...

Who am I kidding, I live in Florida and we are still wearing shorts and flip flops. :)

Thanksgiving has always seemed like the start of a New Year for me.

This year more so than others, because I am very thankful for the blessings that have been bestowed upon me.

People more than anything.

Wonderful people who go out of their way to help, to guide, to love... Just because.

If you know me, then you know it isn't a secret that I never really had much to do with people.

Content to live in my own little world with my family, happy to ignore the "real world."

If you have been reading along for any length of time, you know how that worked out for me. :)

However, I have learned some valuable lessons this past year and I have been blessed with beautiful people who help me to learn.

I read a quote today by Alexander Graham Bell that states ~ "When one door closes another door opens, but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us."

All too often people are attached to their past, to what is familiar to them, and they tend to miss new doors, filled with new opportunities, that are standing right in front of them.

Not every plan you have for your life is going to work out.

There are going to be losses, failures, problems in relationships, loss of money or job, loss of friends and family and sometimes very unpleasant things can happen.

We may not always have control over these things that happen, but we can control our reactions and our attitudes.

If we always focus our attention to what was lost, "the closed door," we see only a closed door, which in turn can fill us with frustration and unhappiness, however, if we can learn to shift our line of vision and attention away from the closed door, we might be pleasantly surprised to discover a whole row of open new doors.

Every night during my prayers, I always give thanks for the doors that have been opened, as well as the lessons learned, from the doors that have been shut.

It all starts with your attitude and how you look at things and this year, I am thankful I have new doors lined up for me.

There are people He has placed in my life that I am forever grateful for...

Some will read this, some will not, however, they all know what they mean to me.

I love each and every one of you ~ Just for who you are.

My boys and my family.

My bloggy friends who email me when I don't post in quite some time, just to check in and make sure all is well.

G ~ The big brother I never had ~ You are one of my dearest friends and I am thankful for the lessons you have taught me, for your friendship, for the fact that you won't allow me to have a single pity party and for showing me that it is okay to cry like a baby. You make me laugh and it is a comforting thought knowing you are right there, no matter when, no matter what.

D ~ My prayer partner, my friend ~ You have the best laugh of anyone I know. Your joy and spirit are contagious. I love to see His light shining through you as you sing and I am so very grateful you are in my life. You have taught me the true meaning of "having my back," and what it means to have a "friend for life." You help me in ways you don't even know, as well as in ways you do and eventually I think we will be able to remove the "thorn in my side," otherwise known as praying out loud. You are a blessing to know and a joy to be around.

Pastor ~ My mentor, my friend ~ Where do I even begin? I could write post after post about you. The first person who earned my trust after all was said and done. You know when you are needed and you know when to step back a bit. There will always be a special place in my heart for you and for what you have done. You have taught me emotions are okay to show, prayers never need to be silent and joy, sheer joy can be found, even in the midst of complete sorrow. I will always defend you and forever respect you and I pray that I never let you down.

Reverend M ~ My mentor, my friend ~ You are just you. Energetic, animated, happy, and full of life. You always make time whenever I ask, without a second thought. Willing to answer question after question, never tiring and always making sure I leave your presence understanding fully. You have shown me the "circle" as well as who to let into it and who to cut loose. You make me smile and it is a joy to know you.

R ~ My mentor, my friend ~ A woman on the same path as I am, willing to help me find my footing, catching if I stumble, always helpful and never hurtful. You my friend, have a quiet beauty that shines from within you and touches those around you. It would be hard to be on this road on my own, knowing you are in front of me, gives me the courage to face my fears and continue forward.

My Heavenly Father ~ I thank you for each and every one of these beautiful people you have placed in my path. I know there are many more and each is filled with their own qualities, besides my family, these 5 mentioned by name however, are the ones that I interact with the most and I am eternally blessed and grateful You saw fit to place them into my life.

Father, I ask you to bless each person reading this right now. I am asking You to minister to their spirit at this very moment. Where there is pain, give them Your peace and mercy. Where there is self doubting, release a renewed confidence in Your ability to work through them. Where there is tiredness, or exhaustion, I ask You to give them understanding, patience, and strength as they learn submission to your leading.

Where there is spiritual indifference, I ask You to renew them by revealing Your nearness, and by drawing them into greater intimacy with You. Where there is fear, reveal Your love, and release to them Your courage. Where there is a sin blocking them, reveal it, and break its hold over my friend's life. Bless their finances, give them greater vision, and raise up leaders and friends to support and encourage them.

Give each of them discernment to recognize the evil forces around them, and reveal to them the power they have in You to defeat it. I thank You, I praise You and I ask You, in Jesus' most precious name I pray.

Amen.

Happy Thanksgiving.

NICHOLE NORDEMAN & AMY GRANT
You Do Your Best To Build A Higher Wall.
To Keep Love Safe From Every Wrecking Ball.
When The Dust Is Cleared
You Will See The House That Love Rebuilt
Guarding Beauty That Lives Here Still.

In The Clouds

2011-11-08T16:35:00.000-08:00

"Have I Not Commanded You? Be Strong And Courageous. Do Not Be Afraid; Do Not Be Discouraged, For The LORD Your God Will Be With You Wherever You Go." Joshua 1:9

Never before has that verse meant more to me, than it does right now.

I know it has been awhile since I have been here.

I get your emails just checking in, as well as the messages on Facebook and I appreciate you all very much.

It has been a long month since I last checked in. A month filled with changes, growth, smiles, as well as tears.

My first 2 classes are done (I received an A in each class *smiles*) and I am 3 weeks into the next 2 classes.

Between school, work and everything in between I haven't been able to find the time to get on here and share like I used to, however, I will try to be better about it.

As I knelt at the Altar during morning service this past Sunday, head down, hands clasped in front of me, eyes closed; Scared, fearful, more nervous than I have ever felt in my entire life, almost sick with worry, hoping I wouldn't start crying, feeling so tense that I was sure if someone said "Boo" to me, I would literally crack, praying that He would take all the emotions running through me and replace them with His peace, I felt 2 hands on my head, one on each side and then a voice in my ear...

I didn't even have to open my eyes to know it was my Pastor.

He knew, just as he always does, when he was needed without being asked.

He knew the emotions swirling within me, because he had already been in this exact moment.

This past Sunday at 4pm, I preached my first official sermon. Those of you who are on my Facebook already know that and you also know how nervous I was lol.

I thought I was going to go in there, speak for 20 minutes and then go home....

What I didn't know was that it was a whole service, complete with the choir, programs, ushers etc...

As I did when I was the guest speaker, I was put in my Pastors' office and since I knew there was an awful lot riding on this (more about that in a minute), I was very anxious and literally shaking in my seat.

I sat there for about 15 minutes as he did what he had to do, in and out of the office and then M and R came in along with him and it was time for prayer.

Since praying out loud is still a huge thorn in my side that I haven't been able to remove, I was grateful he didn't ask me to lead it.

Then onto the outside area (but not into the Sanctuary yet) to pray with the choir, where he says to me that if the roles were reversed, he isn't sure he could do what I was about to do.

~ Side note, Thanks for making me even more nervous, Pastor W. ~ :) :)

As the choir heads out, he speaks with our pianist and then it is our time to go out.

I head to the center seat as instructed (yes, his seat once again) and he takes the seat next to me as the choir starts singing.

Let me just say, our choir rocks....

I absolutely love listening to them and I was so happy they were there on the program.

Next up is prayer and another song selection, which by the way was beautifully done and makes me cry every time I hear it.

You can listen to it here if you so fancy. :)

Then my Pastor is the one who introduced me and he had me in tears by this time.

Let the people who know me (outside the Church) that I was in another family, that they loved me and accepted me.

That it wasn't up to them to question who God choses to bring His word and for the ones that came "just to see" he said he would pray for them.

He read 2 Timothy 3:13-4:7 to me, making it known that I was to speak life into the people of God, never death.

He spoke for a few more minutes and after a few more verses from the choir, it was my time.

The Scripture that was laid on my heart 2 weeks ago was 2 Chronicles 20:2-7 and while I wouldn't have specifically chosen this Scripture, God had other plans.

I was told 2 1/2 weeks ago that I needed to do this, I wouldn't have a lot of time to do it, however if I didn't get it done, I would have to wait another year (due to the structure of our Church).

He also gave me free reign from the Bible, to preach on anything laid on my heart, and quite honestly I was hoping for a nice Psalm or a cool Proverb or perhaps even something out of Revelation, but Chronicles?

Good thing I just finished my Old Testament class lol.

So I prepared a sermon based on fear as well as sacrifice and I will post it here in the next few days.

I took my place behind the pulpit, started reading and I kid you not, the microphone did almost the same thing it did before...

I just had to laugh as my Pastor came up and kept tapping it, finally it stopped with the awful feedback and we proceeded.

I took a deep breath and started over.

While watching the DVD, I can see my nervousness shining through, there were areas where I was tongue-tied and I fidget with my hands (last time I was told I needed to stop speaking with my hands, so I was trying to keep them at my side).

When I was about 3/4 of the way through, something happened within me that literally took my breath away and you can see it as I am speaking.

I am struggling to catch my breath and speak at the same time.

That all-consuming love I felt last time, (when I had finished speaking) overtook me and it is so powerful and so filling that you just want to laugh and cry at the same time.

I finished in tears.

I took a step back and as my Pastor came back into the pulpit, (he had been sitting in the pew watching) I could see he was in tears as well.

He spoke for a few more minutes and called me down to the front and then called everyone up for hugs and such.

He reminded everyone that there was a Church conference the following night at 7pm and informed me before I left that I was to be present.

The Church conference was to hold a vote, on whether I was to be able to move forward.

In order to preach in my Church, the congregation votes to allow you to move onto the next step and I was even more worried about this I think, than anything else.

I knew that my sermon had a lot riding on it and I put so much pressure on myself that last Wednesday I was actually sick just from nerves.

As I left the house last night, due to Daylight Savings Time, it was almost completely dark.

There were clouds rolling in and breaks in the clouds where you could see the moonlight shining through.

As I got to the stoplight at the end of my street, I put some music on, rolled down the window, stuck my head out for some fresh air and looked up...

The clouds were breaking and almost directly above me I saw the most incredible sight...

One break was shaped into the form of a heart and right beside that break, was another break and it was shaped into the biggest Cross I have ever seen.

"Wherever you go" those were the words I heard as I looked into the sky.

My heart was pounding like crazy.

I picked up my prayer partner (I know you are reading this and you know I love you lots) who was sick and feeling wretched but still wanted to cast her vote.

We got to the Church, I sat in the very back until my Pastor came in and called me to sit in the very front row, back towards all who would be voting so I couldn't see a thing, except the pulpit I had just stood in front of less than 24 hours before that.

I could feel the burn behind my eyes and the whisper of the voice telling me "You will never make it."

We opened with prayer as well as a reading from Scripture.

He made sure they all knew who I was and then spoke about why we were there, what they were required to do.

He asked for a motion on the floor, and once he had that, he asked for a second...

He then asked that all who were in favor to please stand, I stayed seated...

He looked at me and asked if I was against myself and I said I didn't think I was supposed to vote for myself lol, he said you aren't, but I want you to stand.

So I stood and then he said I want you to turn around and see who has your back...

I took a deep breath and fighting back tears I turned around, to everyone in the congregation standing.

This Sunday, I will be presented to the Elders of the Church and I will let you know how it goes.

BART MILLARD
I’d Like To Look In The Mirror, Without Hiding My Eyes
I’d Like To See What You See, Why You Think I’m Qualified
To Speak For You, O God, Most High

How Will They Remember Me?

2011-09-26T06:31:00.000-07:00

"Have I Not Commanded You? Be Strong And Courageous. Do Not Be Frightened, And Do Not Be Dismayed, For The LORD Your God Is With You Wherever You Go." Joshua 1:9 (ESV)

I should be doing homework, however I couldn't concentrate on the task at hand.

I kept hearing the word legacy in my head and each time I concentrated on it, I knew a post was brewing, I also know once a post is brewing, I have to write it before I can do anything else.

I was content to just be a good wife, daughter, mother etc...

However that isn't a legacy.

It also isn't how many degrees or awards you have on your wall, nor how many trophies you have in your curio cabinet, it isn't how many rings you have won in the Superbowl nor how many belts you won in the wrestling ring.

Legacy is defined as; Anything handed down from the past, as from an ancestor or predecessor.

If you were to die right now, what would you be leaving behind?

For people He placed in my path?

For the boys He trusted into the care of their father and myself?

For the family members I see on a day to day basis?

How will they remember me?

I used to seek praise from those around me, to let me know that they were happy with what I was doing, what I had done, how I did it etc...

How will they remember me?

I used to do everything in my power to not leave a "mark" on those around me, content to sit in the shadows of whomever I was around, happy to be the girl whose name no one could ever remember.

How will they remember me?

I will never forget the day, not long after he left, I had a revelation that took my breath away...

My tombstone wouldn't say "beloved wife" on it, small perhaps to some, but at the time it was a huge deal to me and it just broke my heart even more.

In my warped way of thinking, he was the end all, be all, of my legacy - My life as it was, while I was married.

Thanks be to God, I no longer think that way.

If I stop and truly think about it, that wasn't my life either, at least not all of it.

I allowed myself to be what anyone else wanted me to be, only because I didn't know who I was anymore.

I had a purpose being his wife, their mom, their daughter, their aunt, niece, cousin etc...

Anything but being what He wanted me to be.

While I still have the majority of those "titles" to call on, they aren't my purpose.

I have a divine purpose and I also know that how they will remember me, will be something He will help me with.

I want to teach my boys to call on Him first, not last.

I want them to know how to pray and never teach them it is something you do in private, nor is it ever something to be ashamed of.

I want them to know pure joy, in the midst of absolute pain.

I want them to know that no matter what you lose, it is just material and can be replaced with Something that is so much greater than anything in this world.

I want them to experience the all consuming Love that no one on this face of this Earth, can give them.

I want them to raise their hands in praise, stand in Church when the Spirit moves them, and weep for utter peace when it comes over them.

I pray He guides each and every step I take and that I am completely encamped by Him and His angels as I teach them and guide them.

I want them to be blessed with a Pastor who has patience, compassion and love, just as I have been blessed.

I want to show them what it is to be blessed with Godly friends whose outstretched hand you see, before you even hit the floor, just as I have been.

I want to show them how to be that kind of friend, just in case.

I want them to know that the best Friend they will ever have, is not of this world, yet He is just a whisper away.

That is how I want my boys to remember me.

That I pointed you to Him, more than I pointed to myself.

That I call on His name first, long before I call on you.

That we shared more smiles, than tears.

That there were more hugs, than cold shoulders.

That there was always an opportunity for a silent walk on the beach, with a friend.

That we always remember, "For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them." Matthew 18:20

That we use each experience He gives us, as a lesson to be learned.

That we guide one another on how to be kind, gentle, compassionate, empathetic, humble, and loving.

That is how I want to be remembered by those He placed in my path.

As for seeking the outward praise I spoke about earlier, the only thing I want to hear is;

"...Well done, good and faithful servant" Matthew 25:23

JEREMY RIDDLE
You've Called Me Out Of Death.
You've Called Me Into Life.
And I Was Under Your Wrath,
Now Through The Cross, I'm Reconciled

Shedding One Cloak, For Another

2011-09-23T23:04:00.000-07:00

"The Fear Of Human Opinion Disables; Trusting In God Protects You From That."

Proverbs 29:25 (The Message)

I read tonight that shyness can be a form of pride, that fear of what other people will think about us and being overly concerned with their opinions, can be reflection of obsession with self.

Scripture says we are not be worried about the opinions of others, that we are not to fear what people think about us or even what they say about us, if we are doing what we know is right.

In fact, according to 2 Timothy 3:12, if we are striving to live Godly lives, we can expect not to be liked.

I must have missed the memo that day when it went out.

That was a joke. :)

I have spent my life worried about what others thought of me, no matter who they were, even if I never saw that person again, I still cared more about what others thought, and less about what He thought.

I don't think anyone has ever used the word "shy" to describe me, timid perhaps, shy not so much.

I watch and take it all in before I make any sort of move and I have never been one to just dive right in.

I am the type of person who will just dip a toe in the water to gauge the temperature, instead of jumping right in.

I worry about the impression I will make, on the people I am about to engage with.

I go through a list a mile long, from how my hair is looking, to the shoes I am wearing and quite frankly, it can be exhausting.

I do it when I am speaking to people about Him.

That changed for me today.

Today I removed the cloak of timidness (I do LOVE the jacket below. Way cute!).

As I was posting on the discussion board for my evangelism class, I was struck with a wave of clarity.

You see I have been pondering for quite some time...

What kind of Pastor I will be?

Will I make a difference?

Will I fail?

Will I have victory?

How does He want me to deliver the messages He continues to imprint on my heart?

As I sat here answering a classmate, I could hear His voice as clear as day; Boldly.

The conversation went something like this;

Boldly? (Yep, that is me, always questioning)

With passion, with love and with boldness.

Follow My Words, follow the Book that has been laid out before you, don't deviate from any of My Word.

What if the people don't like it? (Again with the questions)

Not everyone will.

What if they don't like me? (I really need to learn to stop asking questions)

It doesn't matter.

I don't know how to be bold. (That would be more like a whisper)

You are no longer in your comfort zone, I have placed you where I want you to be, where you will make a difference, for My Kingdom, for Me.

Don't deviate from My Word.

And just like that, the conversation was over, the cloak of timidness was shed and I knew without a shadow of a doubt, what He wants me to do & how He wants me to do it.

You see I had just posted on the discussion board, how I have been watching several Pastors and how they deliver their messages and I was struck with the fact that out of all of them, only a few of them ever mentioned Hell, the majority of them hardly ever mentioned the consequences of sin and very rarely are they bold in the delivery of their messages.

It is almost as if they are immune to what society deems as "okay" and in my heart I knew I didn't want to become like that; A feel-good Pastor, who sugar-coats the message to appeal to the congregation and what they want to hear.

I also knew I didn't want to be the type of Pastor people wouldn't come to, thinking perhaps that I didn't have the time for them.

It is extremely crucial to me that I don't fall prey to the enemy, that the line I walk has a complete balance between what He wants from me and what I deliver.

That the messages are directly from my Father, backed exclusively with the Gospel, that there isn't any form of coddling where sinful behavior is concerned, and that it is done with compassion and love.

I am very blessed to have three mentors in my path who also follow this same style.

These three are wonderful people who share their extensive amount of wisdom with me, who guide me when I can't quite figure out where to place my next step, who love me regardless of who I used to be, who answer question after question (imagine that), who show me what patience is (thank you M) who show me how beautiful a Godly woman truly is (thank you R) and who show me that emotions, all of them, are allowed to be expressed, to be felt, without shame (thank you Pastor).

I used to think being blessed meant you had a healthy bank account, a nice shiny new car, a big house that the neighbors envied, a loving husband, 2.4 children and a white, picket fence.

Now I know what it means to be truly blessed and it has nothing to do with any of those things.

It has to do with the way you truly "see" things.

It is a perfect love.

It is waking up one more day, to see a gorgeous sunrise.

It is a feeling inside you, one that no human can produce for you, it is Him.

It is a love that is fierce and passionate, protective and gentle, a love no one can give you, like He can.

It is knowing He died for me, before I was even born, because He loved me that much.

It is climbing into His lap and crying for all the pain you feel, for all the devastation you see and knowing He is crying with you.

It is closing your eyes in a Summer rainshower, knowing He is pouring His love down upon you.

It is so many beautiful things, that have nothing to do with material things.

He loves you, just for who you are and that right there is a marvelous blessing.

Shed the cloak you are wearing, whether it be shame, timidness, shyness, arrogance, hatred, weariness etc...

Put on a new cloak today, His cloak, filled with a love you will never, ever be able to comprehend, never, ever be able to describe and one you will never, ever want to let go of.

KRISTIAN STANFILL
In His Grace And Unfailing Love
The Risen King Gave His Hand To Us
To Lift Us Up, From The Pit
And Set Our Feet Upon A Rock That Ever Stands

Courage vs Fear

2011-09-08T21:46:00.000-07:00

"For I Hold You By Your Right Hand — I, The Lord Your God. And I Say To You, Don’t Be Afraid. I Am Here To Help You."

Isaiah 41:13 (NLT)

To start life all over again, when you thought all along your life was set ~ Courage

To ask for help, when you never did before ~ Courage

To step out in faith, when there is nothing but darkness surrounding you ~ Courage

To state "I can't" and then do it anyway ~ Courage

To smile, even though there are tears in your eyes ~ Courage

To take an opposite stand, even though the crowd may be saying something different ~ Courage

To give encouragement, even though you may not get a response ~ Courage

To take the hand of a friend who is hurting, and put aside your own pain for awhile ~ Courage

To get up in the morning, when you just don't feel you can face one more day ~ Courage

To trust again, once all trust has been shattered ~ Courage

It takes courage to face your fears head on.

In my case, it takes more courage than I ever thought I could muster up.

It isn't a secret that I don't seek out people, I am more than happy to live in my own little world, however He has greater plans than that for me and it takes every ounce of courage I have within me, to face what He has called me to do.

If I stop and actually think about it, fear almost always wins.

I will fail Him ~ Fear

They won't like me ~ Fear

I will be laughed at ~ Fear

He won't love me anymore ~ Fear

He is angry with me ~ Fear

I could go on and on, however I will assume you get the picture.

There is a fine line that one walks when it comes to courage vs fear.

Fear should never be allowed to win.

If allowed, it most likely will consume your life, and then you are just left as a shell of what you used to be.

Courage is what you will need in order to change the shell back into a "real" person.

I have had to ask for an enormous amount of courage, on more than one occasion and been granted what I have asked for each time.

Sad to say, but I believed the lies of the enemy, that I wasn't worthy, that I had no business going back to school, that no one would ever love me again, that I was a complete and utter failure, that I would ultimately die alone etc...

Each day I wrestled with my own mind, trying to discern what was real and what was a lie, each day I had to seek His truth out, what He thought of me, what He was truly asking of me, if He really loved me, if He was perhaps mistaken and to be honest there are still days that I allow my mind to go back to the lies.

I take that to Him, (most of the time in the ugly green chair), and I just talk to Him as I am talking to you now.

No flowery words, no reasoning with Him, just honest heart to heart talk between a Father and His Daughter.

It is during these times my courage is renewed, my soul becomes calm, His peace is flowing within me, His love shines through and I know He is sitting right there with me, listening to every fear, every doubt, every worry, my tears landing in His palm, my heart beating in perfect time with His and if I close my eyes, I can almost see Him, so very close.

Never did I think, that I would seek Him, the way I do now.

Never did I think I could love, what I can not see, with such passion.

Never did I think, I would gladly give my life up, for Him.

Never did I think, joy would envelope me, when chaos surrounds me.

Never did I think, I would shed tears, for those that don't believe.

You need courage to get past your fears and He is the one who will supply it to you, all you have to do is ask.

I pray each one of you has the courage to stand out and apart from the crowd, that He is the one who supplies your courage, and that you face the fears head on, with Him holding your hand.

CASTING CROWNS
The Only Way We'll Ever Stand
Is On Our Knees With Lifted Hands
Make Us Courageous
Lord, Make Us Courageous

School Is In Session

2011-08-28T21:30:00.000-07:00

"Now The Lord Is That Spirit: And Where The Spirit Of The Lord Is, There Is Liberty."

2 Corinthians 3:17

I haven't forgotten about you all and I apologize it has been awhile since I have posted.

School officially started for me this past Monday, I am thinking it started for pretty much everyone actually.

It has been quite sometime since I have had to focus with such intent and since the majority of my schooling is done online, I have to have very good time management skills, needless to say, I am still working on that.

Between work and Tigger and Church and normal everyday life, I have found myself up at 2am trying to finish classwork that is due the next day.

Seems I was under the impression that school was something to be eased into, my Professors think otherwise.

My classes are 8 weeks long each, intense studies is what they are called, so they don't play around.

School started Monday and I had a boatload (9 to be exact) of assignments due by 11pm (my time) tonight.

I am happy to report all my assignments were done on time and turned in before the deadline. :)

This semester I am taking 4 classes ~ Old Testament, New Testament, Evangelism and Theology ~ A full schedule in order to keep my grant.

So far, I am loving it.

Yes, it would be a little easier if I had some place I could carve out as my own private area, however I am praying it will happen, in due time.

Some days I think everything is moving so fast, and other days I don't feel like things are moving fast enough.

To think of where I was 2 years ago at this time, and to look at myself now, well it astounds me, to be honest.

Tigger started 3rd grade and adores his teacher, which is always a great thing to hear.

He had such a rough time with his teacher last year and her and I butted heads on more than one occasion.

I have sent messages to Eeyore to inquire about his first week of school, however I haven't heard anything back from him so far.

I will assume all is well until I hear otherwise.

I want my boys to take school serious, in a way I do now, but didn't back then.

My main mission was to get out of the school the minute I was dropped off, I hated being there and thought it interfered with the things I was choosing to do in my life at that time.

It was a complete waste of my time and I pray neither one of them get that way of thinking from me.

I hope all is well with everyone.

I am attempting to answer all the emails I receive, so please don't think I am ignoring you, because I am not.

I will still be posting, I have about 10 posts, in mid-post, that I am working on.

Just need some time to work on my time management skills. :) :)

The picture below, is the school I am attending online.

Isn't it pretty?

MERCYME
No Matter What May Come
Gotta Move To A Different Drum
No Matter What Life Brings
Gotta Move Gotta Move To A Different Beat

Testing Through Fire

2011-08-15T22:31:00.000-07:00

"I Know How Great This Makes You Feel, Even Though You Have To Put Up With Every Kind Of Aggravation In The Meantime. Pure Gold Put In The Fire Comes Out Of It Proved Pure; Genuine Faith Put Through This Suffering Comes Out Proved Genuine. When Jesus Wraps This All Up, It's Your Faith, Not Your Gold, That God Will Have On Display As Evidence Of His Victory."

1 Peter 1:6-7 (The Message)

I have had this post "set up" for quite some time, the pictures, the Scripture, the song, and a workable title.

What I didn't have was the words.

I am not sure if I even have them now, however I am going to try to get this post out.

G and I have been having these discussions on how sometimes, it takes me a while to "get" things and I will be the first to admit, it does.

Something will get in my head and I have to look at it from every single angle and sometimes that isn't even enough, until maybe days, maybe months down the road, all of a sudden a lightbulb goes off and I finally get it.

That happened the other night.

I was remembering a scene from the movie "Passion of the Christ" and Jesus was in the Garden of Gethsemane, this was where He asked His Father, to remove the cup He was about to drink, yet He still submitted to the will of His Father.

I saw that movie a few months ago, only 2 nights ago did I fully grasp what the "cup" signified.

Sidenote - I have a literal mind, if I read something, my mind paints a picture of what it must "look like" in real life ~ Hence the reason I am forever being stumped by the Parables in the Bible.

So having already read that Scripture, my mind was showing me a cup, like the one you drink from and even after the movie, I never noticed He didn't have a cup in hand.

The cup ~ What He was about to do, for you, for me, for all of us.

I can't comprehend what He was going through that night in the Garden, after He saw all the sins of all mankind, from the dawn of history to the end of time, knowing He was about to be crucified for them.

What I can comprehend is the prayer He prayed.

Because that is what I have been praying lately.

Luke 22:41-42 "And He Was Withdrawn From Them About A Stone's Cast, And Kneeled Down, And Prayed, Saying, Father, If Thou Be Willing, Remove This Cup From Me: Nevertheless Not My Will, But Thine, Be Done."

Of course I don't pray quite so elegantly, mine sounds more like, "Father, PLEASE, make it stop, I get Your Will, I follow Your Will, so could You please ease up on me, just a little bit?"

Classy I know.

I have been learning about how He tests us, our Faith I should say.

I didn't used to believe God tested us, why should He?

He knows our hearts, so really why bother?

He knows if we are going to commit some grievous sin that day, even before we know and just so we are clear, no sin is worse than the other, they are ALL grievous in His eyes.

All sins carry the same penalty ~ Death.

Sin, no matter how trivial it looks to us, leads to eternal damnation.

There is no big sin or small sin.

(That is another post, for another day, because there is also one sin that is completely unforgivable, and I will need a whole post to go over that area.)

Back to the testing...

Testing is necessary and beneficial for the one being tested.

Who better to administer the test, than the One who knows us better than we even know ourselves?

He allows us to go into Spiritual combat, so we can see His deliverance and victory over our foes.

I am now learning that, the larger the task ~ The bigger the test.

God does not test us to hurt us or defeat us.

He does it because He loves us so much, that He doesn't want to put us into a position of responsibility which would be too much for us, where we would be put to shame or ridicule.

My Pastor has been telling me for the past 2 years, each time I take a step closer to where I will ultimately be, "The enemy is going to come after you, even more so than ever before."

When I joined the Church, when I was baptized, when I accepted my calling and now, each step I take closer to that calling, is harder than the one before it.

Sad to say, I didn't take him as serious as I should have, I do now, I didn't then.

And just in case some of you are wondering, no, He doesn't use the devil to test you, that is temptation and by now you should be old enough to resist it, if not, remember...

1 Corinthians 10:13 "There Hath No Temptation Taken You But Such As Is Common To Man: But God Is Faithful, Who Will Not Suffer You To Be Tempted Above That Ye Are Able; But Will With The Temptation Also Make A Way To Escape, That Ye May Be Able To Bear It."

God is testing, to see whether we act on His Word, whether we are placing ALL our trust in Him or whether we are going to go off, thinking we can possibly handle it better, on our own, than Him.

From the exact moment we take our stand on God's Word, to when He blesses us with the answer, will determine end of the test.

And when I say "stand on" I do not mean literally.

It isn't always easy, in fact some days are downright painful, you may feel, as I have been feeling, like you are standing in a furnace, not quite being burned, yet the flames are getting closer and closer.

The flesh will battle the Spirit for control, you want, what you want, right then and there and you are fighting within yourself, for worldy desires.

Spiritual growth must include testing.

It allows you know how you are doing, and if you aren't doing so well, it gives you a chance to turn to God, and ask for His help.

Spend more time in His Word and in prayer.

Always, always, always remember that God is for you.

He is on your side to help you, to guide you, to comfort you, to love you.

You have His Word & His Holy Spirit to help you.

It is said best in Deuteronomy 31:6 ~ "Be Strong And Of Good Courage, Do Not Fear Nor Be Afraid Of Them; For The LORD Your God, He Is The One Who Goes With You. He Will Not Leave You Nor Forsake You."

KRISTIAN STANFILL
Troubles Surround Me, Chaos Abounding
My Soul Will Rest In You
I Will Not Fear The War, I Will Not Fear The Storm
My Help Is On The Way, My Help Is On The Way

The Enemy Was There...And He Was Defeated

2011-08-01T22:38:00.000-07:00

"So Let God Work His Will In You. Yell A Loud No To The Devil And Watch Him Scamper. Say A Quiet Yes To God And He'll Be There In No Time. Quit Dabbling In Sin. Purify Your Inner Life. Quit Playing The Field. Hit Bottom, And Cry Your Eyes Out. The Fun And Games Are Over. Get Serious, Really Serious. Get Down On Your Knees Before The Master; It's The Only Way You'll Get On Your Feet."

James 4:7-10 (The Message)

I woke up early, 6:55am to be exact.

I didn't want to be late for Church (I had to be there at 10:30am and I don't like to be late), I wanted to spend some serious alone time with Him and I wanted a shower before anyone woke up.

Wasn't about to happen, Tigger woke 5 minutes later and when his feet hit the floor he has to eat.

I fed him and put him on the computer with strict instructions to be super quiet while I showered.

My all white, head to toe, suit was pressed and hanging, waiting to be slipped on.

My 4 inch royal blue suede pumps, ready to be worn.

My sermon, fresh off the printer for what seemed to be the 16th time, sitting on my dresser, with my Bible, all ready to go.

My Nana woke about 7:30am, right as I exited the bathroom to put my make-up on.

My Dad woke about 8am.

They were the ones going to accompany me.

My Mom and Sister opted to watch Tigger and Monster Princess (If you read the post after this, which is the sermon I preached, you will see there are some things in there my son didn't need to know at this time, therefore it was decided he wouldn't go).

I sat in the garage and had a cup of coffee, trying to figure out if I was nervous or just in complete denial.

Went and put on my make-up, hair in a ponytail, filled with curls because it is hotter than you know what here in Florida and I just can't wear my hair down without feeling like I am going to rip it all out.

Put the suit on, which by the way, I couldn't stand...

It was a color I just don't look good in due to the fact that I am so pale I could be see-through, however it was Missionary Sunday, so white is the color of choice, with a splash of royal blue.

It is now 10:15am, time to go...

My Nana sat on the couch waiting, as did I, for my Dad...

His door opens and his head peeks out, looking a bit "off," he was sick, like out of the blue sick and didn't look very hot...

Enemy strike one.

It's all good, come later if you can etc...

To the restroom one more time, oh of course...

Look what stress has brought me today, 2 weeks early... (ladies, you can relate)

Enemy strike two.

So my Nana and I depart.

We get to the Church without incident, enter in through the back because she wants to meet my Pastor...

Had the introductions, went and sat her in the Sanctuary and headed into the back once again.

He summoned me to his office, told me to have a seat and left...

My heart was racing a bit, not to bad at this time though.

My female Minister (now known as R) walks in and lets me know the Pastor put me there so I could focus without so many people talking in my ear, (my decision to Pastor hasn't been announced yet, so once people saw me as the speaker, they wanted to talk and ask questions etc....)

Just be alone with Him.

She walks back in a few minutes later with my Pastor and one of the male Ministers...

We talk for a few minutes (I will share that later when I get the go-ahead), then pray.

We head to the outer circle, (everyone who is on Sunday programs meet in the back for prayer before service) where he lets them know what has been decided where my walk was concerned, but to view me as just the 5th Sunday speaker for now.

Put her in the 3rd chair he says to R, and my head starts spinning, no way, that is his chair...

I am there every Sunday, I know there is an empty seat in the pulpit, on the very end so I just assumed I would be sitting there, nope, I am directly in front of the pulpit so in order to see, I have to look around either side, wise move, since it allowed me to focus on what was at hand and not do a head count of how many people would be watching.

Thanks Pastor :)

About 5 minutes into service, he stands up and announces one of the a/c units has broken, someone was on the way to fix it and to please have patience...

It must of been the one putting air up in the pulpit because I don't think I have ever been more hot in my entire life.

Enemy strike three.

We go through service, which is about an hour and a half to two hours, depending on the Sunday.

I don't deliver until the end of service, right after Altar call and right before the invitation to join the Church.

Pastor is the one who I have chosen to introduce me and while I knew he was speaking, I didn't really "hear" him.

Altar call is over, he prays, over the congregation, for the ones who couldn't be there, over me.

He announces me, turns to offer a hand, hugs for him, hugs for R.

My turn.

Surprisingly, I am rather calm.

I started with "Good Morning" and then the Lord's Prayer.

I wanted to do "thank you" to people, however it would have been some big Oscar production and I feared leaving someone out, thus hurting feelings.

Open my mouth to speak, and say to myself, "What is that noise?"

Feedback from the mic...

Move further away from it, it was an awful noise and it wouldn't let up, until the mic went out altogether...

Enemy strike four.

I am saying to myself at this time, "Bring it on, I will march up and down the aisle preaching if I have to, however I will get this message out."

That was the last strike from him.

So I started yelling as loudly as I could, praying those in the back would be able to hear me, as my Pastor comes to the podium with a hand-held mic, mine comes back on, and there weren't any other problems with it after that.

I don't recall my whole sermon play by play, which is why I put it on here for you all to read.

There was a form of tunnel vision, which R said would happen, I could "see" the people, but I couldn't truly "see" them.

I could "hear" the murmurs, yet couldn't "hear" what was being said.

I know that the Pastor got me choked up when he did the introduction, and I had to stop for a few to catch my breath upon speaking about the past 2 years, I had 3 fumbles with my tongue not wanting to cooperate, however it went as smoothly as I had hoped...

Or so I thought.

It actually went better than I had hoped.

After the final prayer, Pastor & I hugged, R & I hugged, and as she was speaking to me, she stopped and said, I don't want to keep you from the line forming (or something to that affect) and as I glanced over to where I exit the pulpit, oh my word...

There was a throng of people...

Hugs all around as I made my way down the stairs, tears from some, words from others who I have never spoken to, more hugs, more words, smiles and laughter and all I wanted to do was find a quiet place to soak up what I was feeling.

My emotions were on overdrive and I will completely filled with Him, with His mercy, grace and love.

I needed to "feel" what I was feeling, however I couldn't.

It took me a good 25 minutes to get from the front of the Church to the door and our Church is small...

I stepped out into the very hot sunshine and took my shoes off, (because I am southern like that) took one step onto the sidewalk and felt a searing pain on the bottom of both feet...

If you guessed "burn" you are correct, I burned both of my feet because the sidewalk was so hot, and not a little burn, there are blisters on the bottom of both of them and it was worth it all.

After all was said and done, and I was able to actually reflect back on the day, after watching the DVD a few times to see where my errors were as well as listen to the reaction of my Church family, I had such peace...

The moment I stepped behind that pulpit, any second guessing I had been doing, about myself, about what others would think, about His calling on my life and about whether I was "good or worthy" enough, disappeared.

I knew, without a doubt, my Father was standing right beside me & I knew that no matter how I felt, I was doing this for Him, not me.

I knew I would never be the same again. (I actually knew that Tuesday night when I went to feed the homeless, I went to the Altar after we were done and as I was praying the thought that after Sunday, I would never be the person I thought I was, came over me.)

There was no longer any fear, no more questions, no more second guessing...

And in that moment, I finally understood what it meant to have "The peace of God that passes all understanding" and it was so glorious and it was so filling and so beautiful...

MERCYME
But When You Spoke My Name
Oh I Swear The Angels Sang
Peace Came And Stole My Shame
When You Spoke My Name

1st Sermon

2011-07-31T21:02:00.000-07:00

"For The LORD Your God Is He That Goeth With You, To Fight For You Against Your Enemies, To Save You."

Deuteronomy 20:4

(Tomorrow I will post how it felt, tonight though I just don't have the words. Here it is in its entirety, except the verses I used, I put the links in there.)

Good Morning – Please join me in reciting “The Lord’s Prayer”

All Scripture that I will be reading is coming from “The Message Bible”

Starting with Romans 9:1-5, and it reads ~

When I began to go over these verses, I kept coming across different things saying that they were to be viewed as an interruption in Paul’s teaching of the Gospel. However after continuous prayer and study, I now see them as a necessary part of Paul’s argument for redemption by grace through faith.

Don’t forget that because of his preaching of the Gospel, Paul was considered a traitor to the Jewish nation and an enemy of Judaism. They saw him as preaching against the people, the Law and God. Paul was hated by the Jews for his ministry to the Gentiles and for his teaching of salvation by grace.

He preached this Gospel of grace in many places and in doing so, caused trouble just about everywhere he went. The Jewish Nation viewed the Gospel message as dangerous and unscriptural. Since the Jews hated the message Paul was preaching, they also hated the messenger.

This is why he was considered a traitor and many wanted to kill him. In turn, this caused Paul great sorrow and increasing anguish.

He didn’t set out to make anyone mad, out of love he was telling them the truth. Paul went to great lengths explaining that he was not anti-Jewish, anti-Law, nor anti-God. He wanted the Jews to know that they were wrong, just as he had been at one time.

His desire was that the Jewish Nation examine the Scriptures and see that what he was saying was true. He yearned above all else, that they would come to the saving knowledge of the truth and not their condemnation.

For his own people, Paul was willing to be cut off from Christ, regardless of how they treated him, if it could make a difference.

Our persecution isn’t even close to what Paul experienced, yet we respond with a fraction of the love that he did.

As Christians, we are called to love our enemies, Matthew 5:44 reads ~

I believe we should have a passionate concern for those that hate and try to harm. Paul didn’t do this out of duty, he truly loved and cared for people. His love was not dependent upon their treatment of him. He had the mind of Christ and as Christians, you and I should also have the same attitude of Christ, self-sacrificing for the needs of others.

The belief that God is so wonderful to you, should be shared, not just with those you love, but with those that hate you, as well as wish you harm.

Philippians 2:1-4 reads ~

My question for you today is this ~ “Does The Sinners Heart, Weigh Heavy On Your Heart?”

In today’s society, religion is a private matter, the risk of offending others, places an unnecessary demand on us to keep our religious beliefs to ourselves. We don’t want to challenge the beliefs of anyone, so we walk a tightrope, very rarely stepping off to declare His way, is in fact the only way.

As some of you know, I have been married for 21 years. I am now facing a divorce I never asked for, never wanted, nor ever believed in. For 19 years, I thought I had the perfect marriage, for the past 2 years my marriage has become stained by adultery and abandonment, in turn I was thrust into the most painful season of my life, and I didn’t know how to get out of the darkness that was surrounding me.

As if watching from the sidelines, I saw my family tear apart at the seams, I felt as if my heart was shattered into a million pieces and there were days I had trouble catching my breath. Thoughts of suicide, feelings of complete worthlessness and fears I thought I had gotten over a long time ago, came rushing back over me, almost like a never ending tidal wave.

And as I began to face the rewriting of the past 21 years, complete with vicious lies and nasty name calling, a door within me, one that I had intentionally shut a long time ago, started to re-open and almost immediately, I knew that how I reacted towards my husband and what he had done, would be a direct reflection of my Heavenly Father.

I had a choice to respond one of two ways…

As a flawed human, facing the ultimate betrayal, I could choose to seek revenge.

As a daughter to the King of Kings, I could seek Him daily for direction on how to respond, all I had to do was call His name and He met me where I was.

My choice was to seek Him, in order to show me how to respond with kindness, compassion, forgiveness and love, no matter what.

I am not a doormat because I chose to respond this way I am striving to follow in the footsteps that have gone before me. As a Christian, I have to be the one to make the first change. It isn’t always easy and now 2 years later, there are still days I fear I may bite my tongue clean off, however this is the choice I made and I am determined to stand by it regardless of what others think I should do.

Hatred, anger and bitterness in the face of betrayal is the easier choice -

Loving, trying to not pass judgment and continuing to respond in the way I feel He would respond, is the hardest thing I have ever done, however I know that my spiritual walk cannot be directed by my emotions. Emotions are fleeting and I have to keep myself rooted and grounded in His love in order to continue on the path He has called me to walk.

In writing this message I was struck with an overwhelming sense of gratitude.

My eyes were open to see that God was giving me an extraordinary gift, in the form of a life lesson I had never fully grasped before. In the face of adversity, He began to teach me how to treat someone, as He would.

I was stripped, completely broken and only through my brokenness, was I finally humbled enough, to take all my pieces to Him and allow Him to put me back together again. Once I could actually breathe, and the decision had been made, I knew I wouldn’t be able to be a chair-sitting, back in the corner, whispering in the dark, Christian. If you see me, then my goal is that you see Him first.

The time has come to stop being a Sunday Christian and start representing God daily, time to get off the two corners that the majority of people dwell on; The corners of “indecision” and “procrastination” and the corners of “judgment” and “righteous indignation.”

Contrary to popular belief, this isn‘t about you. This is about what He has done for you and in turn how you use it to glorify His name. And how do you do that? You have got to step outside of yourself, open your mouth and tell people, just what He has done.

Selfishness, self-entitlement and self-centeredness have no place in the Kingdom of God.

As Christians, we are the Earth-bound, living reflection of our Father and if we can’t step up to the plate and act as such, then we have a very serious problem. Your Christian duty doesn’t begin/end when the doors of the Church open and this isn’t some salad bar you are standing in front of, picking and choosing which parts of the Christian life you want to live. It has got to be a decision you place in the forefront of your mind each and every single day, and it has got to be all or nothing.
As His representatives, we need to treat each person we come in contact with as if they are Him.

Know that if your eyes are on Jesus, you should feel some form of anguish and sorrow in your heart, for those that have turned away from Him, for your loved ones that are making bad choices & for those caught in difficult circumstances.

When you stop to think about all the people who don’t even know the unconditional love and grace that He offers, it should move you enough to weep for them.

Before you go to sleep at night, as you are getting all comfy on your pillow, take a moment to reflect back on your day and ask yourself this question ~ Is my conscience clear with the way I treated the people, He placed in my path today?

Are you treating people based on how they treat you or are you treating them, as He would, regardless of how they treat you?

I believe God wants us to feel the anguish and the sorrow, to make a place in our hearts for it, knowing that there are people placed in our lives daily, that need Him. We should all be able to feel the same way as Paul did for our brothers and sisters that continue to reject the Gospel, reject His truth and reject His love. We should feel the same anguish when we sit across the dinner table with our loved ones and know some of them refuse His mercy. We should feel the same sorrow when we are at our workplace, knowing some of them refuse His grace.

The question is, what are you willing to do about it?

In closing I want to leave you with ~

Matthew 25:31-46

Little Known Facts

2011-07-25T22:42:00.000-07:00

"You Have Put Gladness In My Heart, More Than In The Season That Their Grain And Wine Increased."

Psalm 4:7

Today I am going to break away from my normal posting and take a page from Nic and share 8 very little known facts about myself. If you and I aren't really close, you wouldn't know these things about me.

Don't judge. :) :)

1. You know that song that Whitney Houston sang a (what seems like) long time ago ~ I Will Always Love You...

I sing it...

Every single day (and I have been doing this for YEARS) and I don't even know why, it drives my family crazy because I am not Whitney Houston, I can't sing like her, nor can I even begin to carry a note like her...

But I try to belt it out as if I am on stage.

I hear this ~ DON'T!! ~ a lot haha.

2. I am an 80s' music junkie, I don't care what genre, if I hear it, there is a good chance within 3 notes I can tell you who is singing and what the name of the song is.

My little brother and I have made a game out of this on the weekends, since he thinks he knows more than I do (he doesn't), if I am over there, he will put on a station that plays nothing but 80s' and we will actually keep score.

He has won...

Twice :)

3. There are certain words in the English language that make me feel ill.

The top 3 being ~ Juicy, Moist, Succulent.

Just typing that makes me queasy. I don't want to hear any of these when you are describing my meal, all it does is make me push the food away, because there is no way I am going to eat it.

4. Speaking of food, I may as well let you know I have a serious "wet" food aversion. ie: pot roast, condiments that make bread soggy, soup (yes I said soup), basically any food that is "dripping", makes me gag. I don't know why.

My sister makes a killer pot roast and the only way I can eat it is to drag it through mashed potatoes and I will give her some credit once again, she makes a soup that is called "John Elway Soup" and it ROCKS.

And while we are on the subject ~ I only eat ice cream in the Winter (mint chocolate chip, Baskin Robbins), I can't stand cooked fruit in any form (except blueberry muffins), I don't like frosting, mustard, mayo nor gravy, refuse to eat any form of a cartoon character from my youth (ie: Bambi, Thumper, Winnie etc...) and none of my food can be touching on the plate.

5. My toesies are always painted, no matter what and they are normally one of three shades of Blue, Purple or Wine.

I will also wear Black and gunmetal Gray and have been known to wear the occasional Green. However I have recently found a new product that I am completely IN LOVE with... Made by Sally Hansen, these nail polish strips have become my new best friend (right now I am wearing "Check It Out").

No drying time ladies ~ None, Zilch, Zero. Once you get the hang of it, you can have them applied in 10 minutes flat and I have gone as long as 2 weeks without needing to change (only reason for the change was I wanted something different). They are hard to remove though so here is a tip - Soak a cotton ball in remover, and dab each toe until they are wet, let it sit a moment then get to removing.

6. Homeless people make me cry. It is very upsetting to me when I see someone standing on the road with a sign saying they are hungry or will work for food. Now that I work in the Church with the homeless ministry, it affects me on a deeper level when I see the same ones on the street. Sidenote ~ Please don't email me about how some choose that lifestyle and I should just keep on walking/driving/running when I see them, your email won't change the way I feel.

7. Men in flip-flops don't do anything for me, matter of fact I find them a huge turn-off. Feet in general are gross and the feet of men are just huge. The toes hang off the flip-flops and curl around the edge and there is hair on the toes... No words, just blech (sorry gentlemen). I however wear flops 24/7/365 :)

8. My favorite food in the world is popcorn. I could eat it with every meal if possible. When I say popcorn, I mean "normal" popcorn, like you get at the movie theater, not weird cheesy, caramel popcorn... Just salt and butter and if it is stale, that is all the better. I remember when I was younger, my Mom used to make me popcorn on the stove and I would put it in a brown paper bag and put it under my bed for a few days then eat it. I don't know why however it always tastes better stale.

There you have it, 8 things the majority of you didn't know about me.

What don't I know about you?

DAVID CROWDER BAND
In Joy And Pain
In Sun And Rain
You’re The Same
Oh, You Never Let Go

Tears In The Rain

2011-07-17T21:44:00.000-07:00

"And God Shall Wipe Away All Tears From Their Eyes; And There Shall Be No More Death, Neither Sorrow, Nor Crying, Neither Shall There Be Any More Pain: For The Former Things Are Passed Away."

Revelation 21:4

I have begun to long for the day when there is no more pain & no more tears.

I wait for the day when I can look upon His face, when I can feel complete healing and never feel anything hurtful again.

Yesterday was one of the longest days I have had in quite some time.

It started with a memorial service and two hours later a funeral.

Two separate people, one young, one older and I ushered both of them.

Both members of my Church, though I had only met one of them, I do however know the mother of the one I had never met, she is the president of the usher board.

It was soul crushing to see a woman I consider a friend, in so much pain, wrapped in her grief, I don't know if she even knew what was going on.

However I couldn't express my grief, none of the ushers could, we had a duty to do and we were determined to make sure everything went off as smoothly as possible.

And it did, as far as I could tell, she was cremated and the ceremony was beautiful.

Because both the memorial and the funeral were held on the same day, we had to "borrow" a Sanctuary from a Church down the street, that way the other one could be set up while the first one was being attended to.

Once the memorial service was done, the ushers had to rush over to the next Church, beating all the people who would be in attendance.

Because this wasn't our Church, we aren't used to the way this one is set up, more pews, though they held less people, one extra aisle, doors all over the place that had to be covered.

As we met in the back to figure out who would be where, I glanced to the front of the Church...

Open casket (closed before the service started).

Now I knew there would be a viewing, however I assumed it would be held in a different room, I was wrong.

I could feel the air being sucked right out of the room.

Four ushers headed up front, with the agreement we would switch out every 15 minutes.

When my turn came, I did all I could to avoid looking at the casket, knowing it was closed didn't matter, I had already seen inside of it.

The flowers were overwhelming fragrant and the sadness was palpable.

My throat was so tight, I couldn't swallow, eyes darting around the room, anywhere but there.

This funeral was also beautiful, the threat of rain held off until we hit the cemetary and then it was a light drizzle.

After 5 hours of holding back emotions, I quite expected to head home and just break down, the threat was there, but nothing would come.

I knew I had to find a way to release what I was feeling, yet I couldn't cry, couldn't sleep either, so after 4 hours of unrestful sleep, I finally just got up and proceeded to get ready for Church.

I could feel the tears there, but they wouldn't fall....

They blurred my vision and burned my eyes during almost the entire service, still none fell.

I was crabby and overtired and so emotional, but I couldn't figure out how to release what I was feeling.

I did some work around the house, hung out with Tigger and practiced my message.

After I got him to bed, I heard from Eyeore....

After being blocked for over 4 months from texting or talking to him, his Dad finally unblocked my number...

We were chatting for a few and somehow she came up and he used a nickname for her, then the tears started...

It hit me wrong and I was finally able to release all the pent up emotions from the past 2 days.

Do I want her to be nice to my kids?

Of course.

Do I want them to like her?

Honestly, there is a part of me that says, no I do not, and I know that is a horrible thing to say...

And that is why, if you drove by my house tonight, you would have seen me crying in the rain.

Because I can't stifle that small part of myself and it angers me...

That worldly part I am so desperately trying to get rid of.

The part that still feels anger, still wants revenge, still misses what used to be, still misses what could have been etc...

97% of the time I can quiet it...

Tonight, just wasn't one of those times.

MERCY ME
And I Know There'll Be Days
When This Life Brings Me Pain
But If That's What It Takes To Praise You
Jesus, Bring The Rain

The Green Chair

2011-07-14T21:52:00.000-07:00

"The Way Of A Fool Is Right In His Own Eyes: But He That Hearkeneth Unto Counsel Is Wise."

Proverbs 12:15

In my room is a green chair, it is my sisters' chair, one she received from a friend.

Ugly as all get out, (unlike that cool hand chair, I want one of those!) but more comfy than almost anything I have ever sat in.

It is here I read, here I pray, here I sit in silence.

Seeking answers, seeking His voice, His direction, His guidance.

This past week has been a week filled with revelations, it is Thursday and I feel I am already suffering from information overload.

Different areas within my heart have been shown to me, areas that need working on, which is something I prayed for, however I was thinking it would be a couple of tiny things that I could fix overnight.

Once again, I underestimated my all Powerful Father.

"Show me what hinders my walk."

"Show me where I am failing."

"Show me what needs work."

All things I have brought to Him, and He obliges with the prayer of my heart.

I have seriously got to learn to shut up. :)

I am kidding, however if you ask, be prepared to have an answer you didn't expect.

I have been focused on the message I am preparing, in my way of thinking, everything has got to be perfect, the timing, the words, the flow etc...

I wrote and I edited and I wrote some more and edited some more and the only guidance I had, was what I felt my heart was telling me.

I longed to give it to my Pastor, to get his insight, his wisdom, his direction, his counsel since you know, he has been doing this a whole lot longer than I, however pride wouldn't allow it.

I wanted to surprise him more than I wanted his help.

Foolishly sad statement right there.

I saw my Pastor on Tuesday, I had a meeting to attend and I also needed some information from him for the service this Sunday.

I barely had 5 minutes with him until I had to run off to my meeting.

Once I got home, spent some time with Little Man, got him to bed and asleep, I sat in the green chair, tired, overwhelmed, fearful, doubting, to the point I felt the panic start to creep in.

The questions began running through my head and the number one question was, "What in the world do you think you are doing?"

The enemy had decided to join me in the green chair.

So there I sat, in the dark, with self-doubt flooding every area of my being, and a face came into mind, my Pastor, I knew then I had to seek his guidance.

I walked over to the computer, put an email together along with my message, swallowing my pride, I hit the send button, thinking I would have peace perhaps?

There was none.

As a matter of fact there was even more questions...

Would he laugh?

What if he hated it and told me that this wasn't for me, that I misheard God, that I am not cut out to be a Pastor?

After sending the email, I went over and over and over the message I had prepared until it was swimming before my eyes, every word, every comma, every period.

Each and every single Scripture I chose to go along with the main one I am using, the points I wanted to make, should I change this word or that word?

Does it flow, as the story I am trying to tell?

Is it choppy?

My mind went into overdrive.

(Not that my calling hinges on what he says, however I still have that small part of me that seeks approval from those around me.)

It would be a long night in the green chair, and I was prepared for the attack within my mind, knowing the enemy was close and looking to derail my way.

The email response came about 24 hours later, I saw it on my phone, however I was terrified of opening it.

All the questions came flooding back into my mind...

I opened the email...

7 words, besides my name and his and I quote...

"This is very good. I approve greatly!!!!!!"

Yes, I had tears.

Now if I can just get through the delivering of the message. :)

NATALIE GRANT
Back At My Heart
Back At My Fear
Back At My Brokenness
Lord Meet Me Here
I Am Exposed
And I'm Not Afraid Anymore

Forever Faithful

2011-07-08T23:18:00.000-07:00

"As The Father Hath Loved Me, So Have I Loved You: Continue Ye In My Love."

John 15:9

I read the book of Matthew two days ago, I started with a verse someone sent me, finished the book, then went back to the beginning, to read what I skipped, when I sought out the verse.

I have been weepy every since.

I get like that when I find particular verses or when something just stands out on the page as if it was written for me.

The more I get into His word, the more questions I have, the more questions I have, the more I seek to get answers to them.

My mind is literal, that is how I have always seen things and I am learning that isn't always the case.

The parables (not all of them, just a few) seem to stump me every time.

I have been trying to wrap my mind around the depth of His love and it has left me feeling "off."

Not off in a bad way, almost like a dream when you wake suddenly and you haven't quite shaken off the dream, yet can't quite seem to grasp what you were dreaming about, though you feel it, fluttering on the very edges of your consciousness and you think if you could just have a quiet moment, you would be able to reach out and grab it, yet that moment never comes.

That is how I have been feeling the past couple of days.

I used to think that, while I knew God loved me, He loved so and so (no person in particular) more because they read their Bible more often than me, they didn't curse, they had a "cleaner" past then I did, they weren't tattooed and pierced, they were always kind and always had a smile plastered on their face, no matter how bad things were in their life.

I just thought I was on the lower end of the totem pole, so to speak.

This past week I learned that He doesn't love anyone, on the face of this planet more than He loves me, nor you.

He favors no one over the other.

My way of thinking (ie: I am not that special, important, worthy etc...) is a sin.

What I was doing, was basically calling God a liar, stating that His perfect love, was in fact imperfect...

It isn't humble to think this way, it is challenging His word, His love and how He sees you.

We commit the sin of wrong thinking so often, that we become as hard as stone and this is an area where we need to be seeking to be a little more sensitive.

The enemy loves to see you doubting your worth in the kingdom of God and he will do whatever he can to get you to take your eyes off of your Father.

The dependence I have on Him, has got to be absolute, period.

There is zero room for doubt, worry, fear, hardness of heart, bitterness, anger etc...

Each day I learn something new, could be small, could be big, the point is that whatever walls I have erected, He is slowly drawing them down, releasing me from my self-imposed prison.

I cry more now than I ever have before, (still not a fan) however I accept that the tears need to be shed and I know that I am crying on Someone who I can trust, with 100% certainty.

I "feel" more than I ever did before and that is taking some getting used to.

I never had a problem with empathy before, however now it seems magnified by about a million and things that never used to "move" me, now can bring forth tears at the drop of a hat (Scripture being one of them).

I can only attribute it to the Holy Spirit, moving me to see things through His eyes, the way He sees them.

I have spent a lifetime seeking the approval of others and by making myself dependent upon other people, I then found myself extremely vulnerable.

I spent a lifetime expecting others to do something, that was my own responsibility.

By seeking approval from others, I was unable to see the Divine approval I already had, standing right in front of me.

For so long, I lost my way, I closed doors, I burned bridges, I did everything I could to keep Him at arms length, only giving a thanks at night before I went to sleep and that was half-hearted at best.

He didn't give up on me, ever.

He never stopped loving me, pursuing me nor wanting me.

He gave me breath each morning when I rose, He painted magnificent colors into the sky for me, He planted flowers to grow wherever my feet walked, He placed glorious scents in the wind, just for me to enjoy, He walked, beside me, each and every single day and for so long I took it for granted, only stopping to actually open my eyes, after everything was stripped from me and for that, now, I give thanks.

Thankful He never turned His back on me, He welcomed me home, with open arms, the very millisecond I called His name.

Thankful for His love, a love I couldn't even begin to describe, no matter how many times I tried.

Thankful in the knowledge that even when the "bad thoughts" start seeping in, I can now recognize them as weapons of the enemy.

Thankful for every sunrise and sunset I witness, for the scents on the wind, for the flowers that grow, for the breath He breathes into me each morning & for the Mercy and Grace that are showered down, upon my rising.

Thankful that I have Company wherever I go.

Thankful that He will never hurt me and never abuse my trust.

Thankful for the sacrifice He made for me.

Thankful for His beautiful Son.

Thankful He put within me, His Holy Spirit.

Thankful that no matter how I got here, I finally got here.

Thankful that He is, forever faithful.

CHRIS TOMLIN
I Lift My Hands To Believe Again
You Are My Refuge, You Are My Strength
As I Pour Out My Heart
These Things, I Remember
You Are Faithful, God, Forever

Don't See Me...See Him

2011-07-01T22:18:00.000-07:00

"Trust In The LORD With All Your Heart And Lean Not On Your Own Understanding; In All Your Ways Submit To Him, And He Will Make Your Paths Straight."

Proverbs 3:5-6

The message I am going to deliver at the end of this month is done.

Now I just have to edit...

13 pages have been written, the storyline that has to do with the Scriptures I will be delivering the Sermon on and also thoughts that came to me throughout the day, things from my heart I knew were coming directly from Him, words spoken as a whisper, gently blowing across my soul.

I don't have a time-limit per se, however I also don't want to lose the congregation if I stand up there to long.

I hate even saying that...

Who are we to put a time limit on Him?

On His word?

I am confident in my ability to write, only because I have been praying that what comes out of my mouth, is what He wants me to take to His people.

My confidence is slowly gaining when I have to speak in public...

I take any chance I am offered to speak out loud during the programs on Sunday, just so I can build up the confidence and know without a shadow of a doubt that once I am standing there, a panic attack won't set in.

I haven't had one in awhile, however there are days that I allow a tremendous amount of stress to build up and I can feel one lurking, just below the surface...

Like the enemy, crouched down, just waiting for a sliver of an opening, so he can shimmy through and shower chaos upon your life.

The last thing I want, is to stand at the pulpit and feel that cold hand of fear glide across my chest nor the choking feeling of your throat closing in, if I do and I can't tamp it down in time, there is no telling what would happen...

So I have to trust in Him that He is opening the way, so I can get some practice in before that day is upon me.

I thought that as the day came closer, the more nervous I would become, however it is (knock on wood) the complete opposite of that.

As the day draws nearer, the more calm I become.

I debated using a portion of my testimony versus speaking in broader terms and decided on using the past 2 years as a stepping stone.

The entire outline of my sermon is based on forgiveness, on loving people, no matter how they treat you and He has given me more than enough practice in the past 28 months.

In my writing, I came to a conclusion that I didn't have before, that all of this has been a gift, allowed by Him, to get me to where I am today.

Do I think there could have been a less painful way of getting my attention?

Of course I do, however I am not the God of the universe so I can't see what is just around the corner, I can't see where something in life is going to take me, I can't see where sheer pain will guide me into being more compassionate, a kinder, loving, more forgiving person and I can't see where my feelings of unworthiness will be restored and used to glorify His kingdom.

He can.

I have to trust that He knows what He is doing, where I am concerned.

I have spent years doing it on my own and look where that has gotten me. :)

Now that I have learned to step back and allow Him to be in control, I am truly amazed each and every day.

Is everything going the way I would like it to?

Absolutely not, however it is going according to His plan, His will, for my life.

There are still areas of uncertainty that I see, yet I also know He is able to see what is around the corner, He may offer glimpses to me, however He can see the whole picture.

The paths I have taken throughout my life haven't always been straight and narrow.

Some twist and turn and curve.

Some are bumpy, filled with ditches and potholes.

Yet, I am no longer ashamed of any of the choices I have made.

Each choice was leading me to this time.

The path He has me on now is a straight shot towards Him.

Never did I think that adultery and abandonment would be considered one of the greatest gifts I have ever been given.

Never did I think I was worthy of His Mercy and Grace.

Never did I feel His love, the way I do now.

It is so pure and so beautiful and so very all consuming and I strive each and every day to make sure anyone that comes in contact with me sees it.

I don't want people to see me, I want them to see His light shining through me.

I want to live my life, enjoy the blessings He has bestowed upon me and continue to shine for Him.

"You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven." Matthew 5:14-16

CHRISTY NOCKELS
For In The Fullness Of Who You Are
I Can Rest In This Place
And Giving Over This My Journey Lord
I See Nothing But Your Face

Shhhhhh....

2011-06-25T21:55:00.000-07:00

"The LORD Will Fight For You; You Need Only To Be Still"

Exodus 14:14 (NIV)

I wake up in the morning, calm, ready to face another day.

Covered by His mercy and grace, I know in my heart that He is beside me, ready to take on, whatever I turn over.

He won't take, what I won't give.

He gave us free will for a reason.

Free will is defined as; "Given readily; voluntary."

I give all I have to Him, trusting that He will do a much better job with it, than I can ever think of doing.

All I have to do is be still...

Shhhhh I tell myself...

Most days are as calm as the waters...

Then there are days I can see the clouds start to form, almost the moment I open my eyes.

It takes effort to get up and start moving when you can feel that there is a black cloud on the horizon.

As if keeping your feet from hitting the floor will stop time and hold whatever may come, at bay.

Be still...

Shhhhh...

One simple stone thrown, and the calm waters begin to ripple outward.

Small at first, then a little bigger and again a little bit bigger...

If I don't give it over to Him, the waves will come, crashing down around me.

I want so badly to have complete control in every area of my life, yet, I humbly surrender it back to Him.

Be still...

Shhhhh...

In the times I don't surrender to Him, I walk around, feeling as if I am drowning on dry-land.

I am human and I am flawed and yes there are days I think I can do a better job than Him.

I think can do it quicker, because I lack patience at times...

Those are the days the enemy waits for, sitting in the corner, ready to pounce, the moment I remove the armor of Him.

And pounce he does, right on my back...

Until I run back to Him, the waters are rough, closing in over my head, suffocating me.

Be still...

Shhhhh...

I wish I could learn this lesson a little bit quicker then I have...

I think to myself, I would be better off if I could just remember to back off and allow Him to fight for me.

It may not be the outcome I was expecting, however I can look back and see each time He did, His outcome was much better than the one I was hoping for/counting on/wishing upon a star for etc...

He only wants the very best for me, so why would I ever be content with anything less?

Why would I want to settle?

A question I have been asking myself recently.

Be still...

Shhhhh...

MICHAEL W. SMITH
Control, I Give Up Control
I Can't Carry This Alone
I've Tried, For So Long I've Tried
To Make It On My Own
Now Dreams Are Scattered On The Ground
And Now I'm On My Knees

Life Marches On

2011-06-11T20:52:00.000-07:00

"He Maketh Me To Lie Down In Green Pastures: He Leadeth Me Beside The Still Waters."

Psalm 23:2

This isn't going to be a long post, I just didn't want you all to think I forgot about you, because I haven't.

There is so much I want to say, however it is already after midnight, and I have a full day ahead of me tomorrow.

Mediation came and went, the end of last week...

I was happy with some areas, and not some happy with other areas.

A new light was shed the beginning of this week and I decided that we should go to court instead (more later).

I need my boys to be the priority here, not my wishes or his...

Theirs.

This past week I have been teaching Vacation Bible School to the pre-schoolers, for the very first time ever!

They run me ragged, I am not going to lie...

Even with an assistant, I come home with muscles hurting everywhere, voice is almost gone and I am dog tired.

However, little man, who has been going as well, decided he wants to attend Church with me every Sunday now...

He has gone a few times before, but it was a battle each and every time and I finally decided that I would let him make the choice, I would continue to go, pray, let him see how I rely on Him and I prayed that I could lead by example.

Either July or August, I will be leading my first Bible Study for the women only.

I am looking forward to this.

The book we are using for Bible Study is Becoming a Woman of Excellence by Cynthia Heald.

I encourage all women to read it.

There are 11 lessons in the book, written for women, by a woman.

You can't just give your opinion on it, you have to dive deeply into the Word to seek the answers.

School has been wonderful so far.

I haven't been able to take any classes that require money (I was taking free classes offered by the University), because my transcripts were held up by a mistake I made, however all has been taken care of and as of this past Tuesday, I am a real student, taking real classes that cost real money.

Doors were thrown open where financial aid was concerned and my school will officially start 08/22/11.

I will be working towards an Associate degree in Religion as well as a Bachelor of Science degree in Religion with a concentration on Pastoral Leadership and a minor in Christian Counseling.

Once these are done, I will move on to my Master of Divinity with a specialization in Pastoral Ministries.

Little man is doing very well.

He passed to the 3rd grade, after a struggling year where he finally seemed to "catch up" in the last few weeks of school.

I hate that his birthday is in May, having entered school younger than most, it shows.

However I will do whatever I can to make sure he doesn't fall behind as well as make sure he fully understands what he is learning.

There are still fires to walk through, mountains to climb, valleys to face and fears to overcome.

Yet I never walk alone.

I never face any fear on my own.

I have been pulled out of my comfort zone so much in the past 2 years, I couldn't tell you where I am comfortable anymore.

I am facing so many fears, that used to hold me back and I am very grateful for the chances that have been offered to me, by Him.

I now have a date for my first "sermon"...

(I put that in quotations because I am not a Pastor yet so I am called a special speaker.)

I will be speaking on Romans 9:1-5 (I see a new tattoo in my future) :)

"I say the truth in Christ, I lie not, my conscience also bearing me witness in the Holy Ghost, That I have great heaviness and continual sorrow in my heart. For I could wish that myself were accursed from Christ for my brethren, my kinsmen according to the flesh: Who are Israelites; to whom pertaineth the adoption, and the glory, and the covenants, and the giving of the law, and the service of God, and the promises; Whose are the fathers, and of whom as concerning the flesh Christ came, who is over all, God blessed for ever. Amen."

Once I finish writing it, as well as delivering the message, I will post it for you as well.

Please say a pray for me; That I can get over the debilitating fear of speaking in public, that the words that leave my mouth are His and His alone ~ Thank you.

May God bless each and every one of you.

SIDEWALK PROPHETS
Still You Call Me To Walk
On The Edge Of This World
To Spread My Dreams And Fly
But The Future’s So Far

Garden Of Daily Living

2011-05-29T22:12:00.000-07:00

"Be Not Deceived; God Is Not Mocked: For Whatsoever A Man Soweth, That Shall He Also Reap. For He That Soweth To His Flesh Shall Of The Flesh Reap Corruption; But He That Soweth To The Spirit Shall Of The Spirit Reap Life Everlasting."

Galatians 6:7-8

PLANT THREE ROWS OF PEAS:

Peace Of Mind

Peace Of Heart

Peace Of Soul

PLANT FOUR ROWS OF SQUASH:

Squash Gossip

Squash Indifference

Squash Grumbling

Squash Selfishness

PLANT FOUR ROWS OF LETTUCE:

Lettuce Be Faithful

Lettuce Be Kind

Lettuce Be Patient

Lettuce Really Love One Another

NO GARDEN WITHOUT TURNIPS:

Turnip For Meetings

Turnip For Service

Turnip To Help One Another

TO CONCLUDE OUR GARDEN WE MUST HAVE THYME:

Thyme For Each Other

Thyme For Family

Thyme For Friends

Water Freely With Patience And Cultivate With Love, There Is Much Fruit In Your Garden Because You Reap What You Sow.

I don't know who wrote this, it was read at Church today and I just wanted to share. :)

MATT MAHER
And You Walk With Me
You Never Leave
You're Making My Heart A Garden

Reflections

2011-05-22T21:30:00.000-07:00

"Have Not I Commanded Thee? Be Strong And Of A Good Courage; Be Not Afraid, Neither Be Thou Dismayed: For The LORD Thy God Is With Thee Whithersoever Thou Goest."

Joshua 1:9

Wherever I go, He goes...

Wherever you go, He goes...

Try to wrap your mind around that one and you may end up with a headache.

I have had some changes going on within me lately.

I try to imagine myself, face to face with Him, wondering if I will be able to walk with Him for awhile, perhaps ask a few questions.

I wonder what happens if someone else in Heaven needs His attention a little bit more than I do...

Will He leave my side to go to theirs?

I try to imagine how it will feel to see His face and my mind just won't stretch that far.

Will I fall to my knees, head down, just thankful that I made it through that narrow path?

Will there be dancing and rainshowers and glorious sunrises and sunsets?

Will I still be able to call on Him, anytime?

Will He come or will He just be there, as He is now?

Will He love me there, as He loves me here?

Yes, I think too much, we have covered that before. :)

Nothing on this Earth can move me more than the fact that I know He stands over me, wherever I go, He covers me and protects me and guides me as much as I will allow.

I see Him move in my life, each and every single morning, throughout the day and well into the evening and for the past couple of weeks, something has shifted inside me...

This feeling, it moves me when I don't expect it, I can feel my eyes burning at different times during the day and I stop to do a mental check, nope, not "sad", what is going on???

Doesn't matter what I am doing.

I can be sitting here working or watching tv or reading or in Church, doesn't matter, it still happens...

I can only describe it as one of 2 things ~

Pure joy, a joy that comes from within your soul and overtakes your body, one that is so fulfilling it moves you to tears.

Pure sorrow, a sorrow so deep that it physically hurts you to breathe, one that comes from the very core of your being.

It started out small, while I was in Church, a song the choir was singing, for whatever reason, touched something within me and I could feel those tears dancing behind my eyes...

Now it is daily, sometimes good, sometimes not so much.

The joy comes from different things as does the sorrow.

When it is joy, I almost feel like I could float away on the sheer emotion.

To see someone come to Him, to see a Baptism, to wake up early and see the sunrise, to see the smile on either one of my childrens' faces, to see a message from an adored friend at just the right time, to walk into the Church, at night, when no one is there and the only light shining, is a small spotlight on the pulpit, the waves on the beach in the Winter, to know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I am spoken for...

There are no words for that kind of joy, it is something you have to experience from the depths of your soul.

It is like a bone crushing hug from the inside.

When it is sorrow, it is a crushing hurt and it doesn't come from being sad or from my circumstances.

I hurt when I know someone doesn't believe, when I see someone who is adamently against Him.

To hear someone say they don't believe He died on the Cross for us, breaks my heart and can easily turn me into a weeping mess.

I know everyone has their own beliefs, I accept that...

It doesn't mean it is easy for me.

I want everyone to feel the way He makes me feel...

To be able to appreciate the fact that He woke you up this morning, to know that your day is in His hands and He isn't going to steer you wrong.

To allow Him to fill you completely with joy at the littlest things along the way.

To look upon the Cross and feel the sorrow that should be felt when you see it, knowing He shouldn't have had to do what He did, and then feel the joy, knowing that because of that act, you can have an everlasting life with Him.

I honestly can't imagine someone throwing that away, and for what?

Nothing you are doing, is better than anything He is offering, I can promise you that.

Just some reflections I have been pondering lately.

TENTH AVENUE NORTH
And I'll Be By Your Side Wherever You Fall
In The Dead Of Night Whenever You Call
And Please Don't Fight These Hands That Are Holding You
My Hands Are Holding You

To My Father, For My Son

2011-05-20T21:45:00.000-07:00

"Correct Thy Son, And He Shall Give Thee Rest; Yea, He Shall Give Delight Unto Thy Soul."

Proverbs 29:17

May 20, 2003 at 5:20am, he came into my life.....

8 years after my first born son, came my 2nd (and last).

Today he is 8 years old and one of the few complete joys in my life.

Today, a letter to Him, a thank you, for trusting me with the life of my little man...

Dear Father,

Sometimes I sit and wonder if you really thought this through, as I see the pain on his face and the tears in his eyes, the anger in his little fists and the way he tries so hard to act grown up, all in the same breath.

This beautiful, blond haired, blue-eyed boy, that was yours before he was mine...

You knew the pain that would come into his life at such a young age and I wonder why you allowed that?

Why is it okay?

Then I look upon him as he is sleeping and think, regardless of the heartache he has, he knows he is loved, and I will continue to make sure he knows that, as long as I am breathing.

He is so full of life.

Do you look down upon him and see him running through his days?

He doesn't walk, anywhere...

He is all boy, all the time.

Loud and rambunctious, sometimes making my head hurt with the volume he speaks...

Inquisitive, almost to a fault and he always has to have the last word.

So argumentative, that at times, I wonder, if he will be a lawyer when he grows up.

He never just says "I love you" and always says "I love you, infinity and beyond."

He can't whisper, ever.

Not even when he speaks to You.

I have heard his prayers, and I know he questions why his Dad left, like me, he has more questions than answers, yet I also see a calm come over him when he is talking to you, so I also know he is getting what he needs from You at that time and I am so thankful to You for that.

You give him what I can't.

I wasn't there for him when I was so lost in my grief, yet he saw me go to You every night, every morning, and he followed.

He asked questions of You, that I didn't think he was capable of asking, talking to You in ways I couldn't, no shame, no fear, just innocence.

Forgive me for not being there, for being so wrapped up in my own fog that I couldn't see he was hurting as well.

Yesterday was his last day of 2nd grade and he passed to the 3rd grade...

School is a struggle for him.

He would rather be outside playing, instead of inside learning and he has yet to meet a sport that he doesn't love.

He does everything, no matter what it is, with every beat of his heart, 100% all the way, all the time, with no fear.

As I sit and think of how unfair this situation has been for him, how my heart hurts for him, I am also, so very thankful.

Thankful you chose me to be his Mom, knowing all along this would happen, knowing I would fall so very low, before I would rise again, knowing I wouldn't fail him in the long run, knowing I would do everything in my power to protect him and love him with every fiber of my being.

Lord, I ask that you prepare our way, light our paths and keep us safe.

I won't ask you to make life easier for him, I will ask you to teach me the patience to help him through all that life has to offer, the good and the bad.

Protect his heart, help me to show him that bitterness and anger won't work, that forgiveness and love, no matter what, will be the key to him having a life filled with joy, even among great sorrow.

Wrap Your arms around him as he sleeps, for that is about the only time he is still and quiet as You know, bless his dreams with peace.

Help me to do the very best I can, with whatever the situation may be.

Thank you Father for this sweet little boy; For the trust you placed in me, to call him my own.

Amen.

Tigger ~ Happy Birthday Little Man ~ I Love You ~ Infinity and Beyond.

His Favorite Song ~

TOBYMAC
We Lose Our Way
We Get Back Up Again
Never Too Late To Get Back Up Again
One Day, You Gonna Shine Again
You May Be Knocked Down But Not Out Forever

How Do You Respond?

2011-05-08T21:05:00.000-07:00

"If You Do What Is Right, Will You Not Be Accepted? But If You Do Not Do What Is Right, Sin Is Crouching At Your Door; It Desires To Have You, But You Must Rule Over It."

Genesis 4:7

I am not above criticism, not here, nor in my day to day living, and the past two years have taught me to find a way to either rise above it or turn around and walk away.

I have had numerous emails from people who don't like what I write here, who don't, either understand or who don't agree and I am trying to learn how to not take everything, everyone says to me personally.

I used to have a hard time holding my tongue, however conviction sets in right away, before I can respond and I have learned that it is better to not respond at all than it is to respond unkindly.

That isn't to say I do it all the time, because I don't.

I get aggravated, I get angry, I have minimal tolerance for a few things, and yes, there are days when even He can't hold my tongue and I say things in the heat of the moment and at that time, I feel better, yet a few hours later, guilt kicks in, because I know better, I know that isn't how He would respond, I know two wrongs don't make a right and I know I let Him down by choosing to open that door, instead of turning to Him.

Each opportunity you have to react with another human being is not always going to be happy, happy, joy, joy.

Someone may be having a bad day or a bad month or just be feeling off.

Some may be harboring painful hurts from their past, scared to release them, afraid that if they let them go, they may not know who they are anymore.

They have allowed their past to control their present and will take every chance possible to make sure everyone around them knows how horrible their life is, how it always has been and how it always will be and nothing will ever change for them.

Because they won't allow the change to take affect.

They carry that corpse (as G says) everywhere, a bitter reminder of the turning point in their life.

Instead of allowing the trials and tribulations of life to be a chance to grow into someone stronger, more secure in themselves, they carry it and harbor the hurt instead of releasing it to the One who can take all past hurts and turn them into something beautiful.

Maybe they don't believe, perhaps scared of what He can truly do, if allowed.

I say this, because I received the following message on FB (after an app I have, posted the first part) ~ Word for word (though I did blank out the curse words)...

On this day, God wants you to know

... that acceptance brings peace. Accept your own beauty and your limitations. No sense in trying to be who you are not...

Response ~ "now this makes me sooooooooooo ******* ANGRY. **** GOD AND **** HIS ACCEPTANCE.......................... SO I'm to accept the abuse I suffered ................................. in the name of the lord. ..........................

My first thought was "How dare this person speak to me like this", followed very quickly with "How can I help this person?"

The way I see it, He guided her to my page, to read what was posted, she responded in a way that shows me she is hurting and it is my job to reach out ~ And that is exactly what I told her in my response to her comment.

I used to delete the mean emails that came through, only because I would be so upset that someone didn't like me, now if one comes through, I will take the time to respond as He wants me to.

I can still remember how I would have used to respond, how I would try to beat someone at their own game, calling names, cursing, basically acting like a spoiled brat because I just couldn't back down.

However, I am no longer that person.

I have said it before and I will say it again, you can not follow Him, want blessings from Him showered down upon you all day long, pray only during the bad times, never give thanks during the good times and still live the life you want to live.

You can't go to the clubs on Friday and Saturday night, roll into Church on Sunday morning with a hangover and expect Him to bless you abundantly.

You can't break every one of the Ten Commandments and think all is going to work out peachy keen in your life.

I am sorry, I just don't believe that is how He works.

In order to be in His will, you have got to be out of your own, and if you are not out of your own, there are consequences that will fall upon you.

Matthew 16:24-26 ~ Then Jesus said to his disciples, "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it. What good will it be for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul? Or what can anyone give in exchange for their soul?"

Did her comment hurt my feelings? Knowing that, once again, someone out there didn't like something I posted?

No.

What hurt me, was knowing, right now, at this moment in time, somewhere out there, a child of His needs Him and they don't even know it.

HILLSONG
I'm Living For This Cause
I Lay Down My Life Into Your Hands
I'm Living For The Truth
The Hope Of The World, In You I'll Stand

The Greatest Compliment

2011-04-25T20:56:00.000-07:00

"See, Darkness Covers The Earth And Thick Darkness Is Over The Peoples, But The LORD Rises Upon You And His Glory Appears Over You."

Isaiah 60:2

I don't know anyone who doesn't like a compliment every now and then.

Good job, beautiful smile, nice handwriting, awesome singing voice, pretty eyes, shiny hair, super Mommy or Daddy, fantastic spouse and the list goes on and on and on.

If you could have just one compliment bestowed on you, what would that be?

Take a moment to think about it, what is there about you or your deeds that you would love to have noticed?

For the longest time, I thought it was this...

My blog, my thoughts, put out for the whole internet to see, then along the way things have changed drastically, as you all know and I lost confidence in even writing.

If you could see my edit folder, I have no less than 20 posts that have been started, almost done, ideas, and some that just need a song...

Yet there they sit, calling to be done, and I avoid them, fear creeps in at the responses I may get, the emails you don't see from people who don't believe like I do, people who would rather hide behind the "anonymous" tag instead.

Not nearly as bad as they used to be, however I don't take criticism well, I also don't take compliments well, goes along with hiding in the corner, in the dark, where no one can see you.

I stutter and stammer and blush whenever a compliment is paid to me, I will change the point of topic as quickly as possible, so as to remove the focus off of myself.

I know a simple "thank you" will work just fine, yet my voice just runs from me when someone points out something "good" I have done or if I have changed something about myself and it is noticed.

I don't want you to remember me, for "me", I want to be remembered for how I blessed your life, for the impact He allowed me to make to you.

If that isn't what is remembered, then I am doing something wrong.

I want to come across as transparent as I possibly can.

I want you to see honesty, love, kindness, compassion, empathy and gentleness.

Most importantly I want you to see Him when you look at me.

However I didn't know how to project that, until recently.

I still struggle in areas within myself that are just plain ugly.

I still have a very low patience level, I can be judgemental and mean, I still have places where I am a complete doormat and I don't want to be anywhere but in my Church, that is where I feel the most at peace, yet I can't live there.

I have struggled to blend His world into my world. (I am ashamed to admit that)

I should be the one conforming, not expecting Him to conform to the way I think it should be.

The changes have to be made by me, not Him, in my mind, not His, in my heart and in my soul.

You can't have your cake and eat it as well :)

So as each chain is broken, it almost feels like I lose, even though I know in my heart I am winning, a small part of me still feels the loss, like an arrow shooting straight through my heart.

The part that sees the people who turn away, when they find out what I am pursuing.

The part that hears the whispers behind my back.

The part that hates the words said to my face.

The part of me that wants to give up, the part that still would rather go out and party instead of staying in, knowing that the partying lifestyle only leads to trouble that quite frankly, I don't need.

The part that feels the conviction the strongest, when I am doing something or saying something or even thinking something that I shouldn't be.

The part that is scared of failing, scared to be held accountable for her own soul, much less the souls of others.

These are the parts I need to work on.

The rest of me, knows He is in control, knows He won't let me fail, knows that if I was on the wrong path, if asked, He would right that path and yes, I have asked continuously if He is certain that the calling I feel, is from Him, and that it is meant for me and not someone else.

And each time I ask, He answers.

The cardinal is still around, sometimes flying right in front of the car as I am driving.

There are people in my life who see my doubt and help me to turn it over to Him.

I am surrounded by Him with each breath I take, each step I make and with every beat of my heart....

The greatest compliment came to me this past Sunday.

My female minister came to me after Church service and we were talking for a few minutes when she said, "I can see His annointing on you. I see His light surrounding you."

Never before has a compliment reduced me to tears...

I may doubt, I may question, I may even fear, yet I also know that as those chains get broken, He is able to shine, all around me, for others to see.

DAVID CROWDER BAND

You Sent A Sign

A Hint, A Whisper
Human Divine
Heaven Is Listening

The Tomb Is Empty

2011-04-22T22:20:00.000-07:00

"The Angel Said To The Women, "Do Not Be Afraid, For I Know That You Are Looking For Jesus, Who Was Crucified. He Is Not Here; He Has Risen, Just As He Said. Come And See The Place Where He Lay."

Matthew 28:5-6

Easter is almost upon us, the time for chocolate bunnies and jelly beans and egg hunts.

Most of us will get up on Sunday and make sure the basket is filled for the kids with all kinds of goodies.

We will watch their eyes light up, as they realize that the Easter Bunny has paid a visit to them, while they were sleeping.

Never before this year, have I truly looked at Easter other than just another holiday where I had to go shop in a store filled with pastel colors *shudders*, plunk down money for things not needed, but do so anyway, just to keep up with the "masses."

Now, I know that this Sunday, is the most important event of all time, yes, even more important than His birth.

His birth (which was of course very important) occured, so Resurrection Sunday could happen.

Resurrection is defined as: The act of rising from the dead.

The week leading up to Sunday is called "Holy Week", which contains, Palm Sunday, Maundy Thursday (the mass of the Lord's Supper), Good Friday, (the day His crucifixion/death took place) Holy (or sometimes Silent) Saturday and Resurrection (or Easter) Sunday which is also the end of Lent.

The days between Palm Sunday and Holy Thursday are known as Holy Monday, Holy Tuesday and Holy Wednesday.

I remember when I used to live in Italy, on Palm Sunday, we would always have an olive branch placed on our front door, never knowing who it came from or what it was meant to represent, on Good Friday, the town would almost shut down and people would walk for miles in the streets carrying huge wooden crosses, at the time I figured these were Roman Catholic traditions, now I know they did it to mourn His death.

I try to avoid anything that has to do with the crucifixion, I will admit it and I am sorry to say it.

I know the story, yet I won't read it in the Bible.

A couple of weeks ago at Bible Study, we were studying it, where the nails were placed, (some say hands, some say wrists) and we had some paperwork showing where the whip hit, where the crown of thorns was placed etc...

I had to turn it over because I couldn't even look at it.

John 20:25 "So the other disciples told him, “We have seen the Lord!”
But he said to them,“Unless I see the nail marks in his hands and put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe."

I won't watch a movie that depicts what happened, it saddens me beyond words.

However, last Sunday, one of the TV networks here was showing "The Passion of the Christ" in its entirety, without commercial interruption, and since I have never seen it, I set my TV to record it.

2 nights later, I sat down to watch it...

I wanted to make sure I could watch it without anyone needing anything from me, so I waited til it was late at night and the house was quiet.

2 and a half hours later, I was a weeping mess!

It was so graphic and so very heart-breaking to me.

To sit here and know that each lash He took, each tear of His skin, each anguishing moment He was beaten, each horrific step He took carrying the cross, each nail, each thorn in His head, each drop of blood He shed, each tear that fell down His face was for me, for you.

He did that with me in His mind.

He did that with you in His mind.

On Sunday, as you get up and celebrate Easter with your family, pause a moment to truly reflect on what this day means.

He was born for us.

He was crucified for us.

The tomb is empty for us.

Happy Easter my friends.

MERCYME
And I Know I Don't Have Much To Give
But I Promise You I Will Give You All There Is
Can I Possibly Do Less
When Through Your Own Death I Live?

Justified by Grace

2011-04-13T21:05:00.000-07:00

"But By The Grace Of God I Am What I Am, And His Grace To Me Was Not Without Effect. No, I Worked Harder Than All Of Them—Yet Not I, But The Grace Of God That Was With Me."

1 Corinthians 15:10

God's

Riches

Christ's

Expense

Never before this post, have I had such a hard time coming up with words, more often than naught, I am, how shall we say this? ~ Long winded. :)

Grace is something I have written about before, something to strive for, something that is given freely and quite honestly isn't deserved.

Grace is the heart of Christianity.

Grace is knowing He sees the very best in you, even when others don't.

Grace is the awesome power of God to do for each one of us what we can't do for ourselves and the simple fact is that we can't do anything for ourselves.

Without the grace God gives us, we will surely die.

On a day to day basis, He covers us with His mercy, with His grace, with the light of the sun and chooses to give us air to breathe, food to eat and water to drink.

His grace gives us all that we need, but it is up to us to either accept His gifts, or to reject them.

The package came about a week ago, addressed to me (which is rare lol).

I opened it up, almost as eager as a child on Christmas morning...

It was packed very well, each piece cushioned by air packs, plastic wrap and velvet pouches...

The necklace was the first piece I opened and as I held it in my hand, examining it, I could feel that peace I always feel when I see or hear the word "Grace", I flipped it over and saw "By the grace of God, I am what I am" inscribed into the back, just reading that can invoke the burning sensation behind my eyes.

The earrings were next, followed by the cuff, which went right onto my arm, then off again as my niece wanted to try it on.

A beautiful way to "wear" His word and what is sure to be a fantastic way to witness to others who ask about the pieces.

Thank you to Dayspring and (In)Courage for the opportunity to do this review.

Disclaimer ~ I received this jewelry free of charge from DaySpring, in exchange for my review. I was not paid in any other way. The above opinions expressed, are mine and mine alone.

Now for my sweet and loyal readers, a gift for you to win :)

You didn't really think I would forget about you, did you?

Not only were they kind enough to provide this product, I also have in hand a $20.00 (shipping charges apply to your order) coupon code (expires 07/31/11) for one lucky person.

Just go to Dayspring, browse around and come back and tell me what caught your eye...

That's it...

I don't need your firstborn named after me nor a bazillion followers on every social network known to man...

You have one week (04/20/11) and then I will randomly draw a winner.

Good Luck :) :)

CHRIS TOMLIN
'Twas Grace That Taught My Heart To Fear
And Grace My Fears Relieved
How Precious Did That Grace Appear
The Hour I First Believed

Overload

2011-04-04T21:22:00.000-07:00

"Sing To Him, Sing Praise To Him; Tell Of All His Wonderful Acts."

1 Chronicles 16:9

I am sure many of you remember this post...

Besides the one about Heaven & Hell, it is a post I still receive the most emails on.

People continue to ask me if I happen to have any CDs left over....

It was the one and only contest I have ever done in almost 4 years of writing here.

With his permission in hand, I set out to write a post about his music, along with a handful of autographed CDs to give away.

It was a hit.

He has a new song out, along with an official video, called Overload...

Before I began this post, I watched the video, for only the second time, the first being a few days ago and after the first viewing, something stuck within me, so I knew it would only be a matter of time before I would post about it...

I put the song on in the background as I write, so I am able to draw from it...

I can feel the pull, the pull of whatever it is in life that is holding you back.

Addiction, adultery, porn, stealing, lying, killing etc...

Anything that is pulling your moral compass, in the direction it shouldn't be pulled...

You almost feel like there is no escape, you have fallen so far and so deep and you just can't seem to find a way out.

The chains have bound so tightly around your neck, that you can't see the full extent of what your actions are doing.

When I saw the video for the first time, I had some thoughts about who he was chasing, now after watching it again, it is almost like watching spiritual warfare in action...

When you are consumed in a life of _____ (enter whatever you want), there is a feeling you receive from it, to you, it is all good, to the outside world, your actions are all bad...

I know from experience that when you are using, you love it, at first...

The lie is built from that first hit, drink, snort, shot (whatever your pleasure may be)...

It is almost indescribable, yet the next time, you need a little bit more and the time after that it will be a little more still, until you are chained to it and the only way to break those chains is to hit rock bottom, and there is not a soul who will be able to tell you different.

Once you become clean or sober or free from whatever is holding you bound, you will eventually become angry.

Pure anger at yourself for falling for the deceit and then you spend hours, days and sometimes years chasing those inner demons.

You chose to be a liar, a thief, a morally corrupt person, tricked into believing that was the best course of action for your life, and you wont be able to forgive yourself for the choices you make, until you make the decision to die to "self."

You will not be able to do it alone.

To break the chains, to find the release you are seeking, you only have to look up.

Devin nailed it beautifully.

From the opening to the closing, the song/video is beautiful, harder than what some people may be used to, bringing to mind Skillet or Creed (and you all know if I link anyone with Creed, they have to be very, very good).

Turn up the volume and go have a listen, you will be glad you did.

DEVIN WILLIAMS
You Liar
You Thief
You Took My Life Away

Each Step

2011-04-02T22:09:00.000-07:00

"The Steps Of A Good Man Are Ordered By The LORD: And He Delighteth In His Way."

Psalm 37:23

Each new day that you wake up, is a new stone to be stepped upon.

You wake up, blessed with new mercy each and every single day, a blank page so to speak, how do you cover that page?

Do you face a new day with unfinished business from a previous day?

If so, why?

I will never understand people who live in the past...

I know that I have made some serious mistakes in my past, however I refuse to let that define me.

I will, however use my past to show just what He has done, to show how merciful He truly is, to show how much He loves me and deems me worthy, to show where He gave me strength to overcome and to show His hand in each and every step I take.

I refuse to sit around and blame others for the choices I have made.

Good or bad, they were my choices to make.

I didn't use drugs or drink or run-away because my parents were mean to me (they weren't), I used because I chose to, I didn't turn my back on Him because He didn't grant me the 3 wishes I might have made as a 7 year old, I turned my back on Him because I was selfish and thought I could do better on my own, I didn't accept the calling on my heart over 20 years ago because quite frankly, now, I can see there was no way I was even close to being ready for that.

Am I ready now?

Depends on what day you ask.

I study different Pastors and wonder how I will fit in, how I will be able to make my mark.

I struggle daily with the fear of failing, with the almost overwhelming fear of leading someone astray.

The thought of being held accountable for the soul of someone else, isn't something I (nor should anyone) take lightly, and I need to know I am doing it correctly, the first time.

When you are a Pastor, in my opinion, you need to get it right the first time, because that may be the only chance you get to stir something, within someone else.

So here I sit, so many stones have been overturned to get to this place in my life, yet so many more that haven't even unearthed yet, much less turned over.

I want each step I take to make a difference in the life of someone.

I want each step to be made in love, in forgiveness, in kindness.

I want to be able to step away from the guilt, when the day isn't as "perfect" as I think it should be.

I want to step into humility when I am being convicted from Him, because I am not doing what I should be doing, and I feel that conviction all the way to the core of my soul...

That quiet, loving voice, telling me "No" or asking "What I was thinking?" or "Why I responded a certain way?" or even just saying "Be still & wait."

It is almost as if I have spent the past 2 years redefining who I truly am, what I really believe in and what I am willing to do for those beliefs and that peace of mind.

By allowing Him to guide each step I make, I am trusting that He knows what He is doing, even if I don't see the "big picture."

There is not an area or detail in my life that He isn't willing to help me out with ~ No matter how small or trivial I may think it is.

I may not agree with much of what has happened in the past 2 years, however I am very certain of two things;

The first ~ I wouldn't change a thing. There has been so much bad, yet so much more good, that now (finally) overshadows the bad, and to be honest, I never thought that would happen.

The second ~ As I told someone tonight, no matter how bad the circumstances surrounding you are, you can believe that you are still blessed, if only for the simple fact that, it can always be worse.

MERCYME
Covered By Your Love Divine
Child Of The Risen Lord
To Hear You Say "This One's Mine"
My Heart Is Spoken For

70 X 7

2011-03-26T22:40:00.000-07:00

"Then Peter Came To Him And Said, "Lord, How Often Shall My Brother Sin Against Me, And I Forgive Him? Up To Seven Times?

Jesus Said To Him, "I Do Not Say To You, Up To Seven Times, But Up To Seventy Times Seven."

Matthew 18:21-22

490 times or enough times that you just lose count, because you are doing it so often.

I love this passage of Scripture and since the start of this Season in my life, it has come to mean more to me than almost any other Scripture.

Forgiveness is a very slow process, I have come to learn...

Just when you think that, perhaps you have reached the state of true forgiveness, something happens that reminds you, that while you aren't as angry as you were in the beginning, forgiveness is still out of reach.

The Bible teaches forgiveness in quite a few passages, it is as much for you as it is for the other person.

More so for you, for your walk, for your soul.

The answer in the above Scripture, given by Jesus to Peter, makes it clear that He knows forgiveness is not easy for us.

It is not a one-time choice, get on your knees, say "I forgive" and then think that you will automatically start to live in a complete state of forgiveness, if only it were that easy.

Forgiveness may require a lifetime of forgiving, but it is very important to our Heavenly Father.

We have to continue to forgive until the matter is settled within our own hearts.

Prayer is one of the best ways to knock down the walls of forgiveness, by asking, He will bless you with new eyes to see and a new heart to care for that person.

As you pray, you should start to see that person, as He sees them, and realize that the person is just as precious to Him, as you are (no matter how you "feel" emotionally).

A new light will also be shed upon you as well...

You will begin to realize that you are just as guilty of sin and failure as the other person, and that you are also in need of forgiveness.

If He doesn't keep His forgiveness from you, why should you keep your forgiveness from one that has hurt you?

So what about the anger you have?

How about the pain and hurt and feelings of betrayal?

What about the twinge of bitterness you may feel?

How about that feeling of revenge you had last time you saw the person?

While it is quite normal for us to feel unhappy emotions towards whatever the injustice is/was, it is never our job to judge the other person, plain and simple, that is His job, and He doesn't do it to us until we are dead, so why in the world do we feel we have a right to do it to others while we are alive?

Luke 6:37 ~ "Judge Not, And Ye Shall Not Be Judged: Condemn Not, And Ye Shall Not Be Condemned: Forgive, And Ye Shall Be Forgiven."

So why do we forgive?

That one is easy ~ He commands it.

Matthew 6:14-15 (NIV) ~ "For If You Forgive Other People When They Sin Against You, Your Heavenly Father Will Also Forgive You. But If You Do Not Forgive Others Their Sins, Your Father Will Not Forgive Your Sins."

If you don't do it for others, He will not do it for you.

Read that line again, now one more time. ~

Do you really want that on your head when you are standing before Him?

We are to forgive out of obedience to our Heavenly Father.

It is your choice, a decision you must make.

Trust me, I know it isn't easy, He knows it isn't easy, however it is in your best interest to do so.

So what if you continue to tell yourself, it is never going to happen, that no matter what is said or done, you have set your mind and you refuse to even forgive just a little bit?

You are only harming yourself.

You, and you alone are hindering your own prayers.

Mark 11:25 ~ "And When You Stand Praying, If You Hold Anything Against Anyone, Forgive Them, So That Your Father In Heaven May Forgive You Your Sins."

You will know that the work of forgiveness is done when you are able to truly experience the freedom that will come as a result.

You and I are the ones who will suffer the most if we choose to not forgive.

When we do obey and we set out to earnestly forgive, He will set our hearts free from the anger, bitterness, resentment, hate, revenge and hurt that previously held us shackled and bound.

Forgiveness goes against the basic core of our human nature.

It is an act that Jesus Christ was capable of, however when we are hurt by someone, we want justice, right then and there, swiftly served up on a silver platter.

We just don't seem to want to trust Him with that.

We are all wounded in one way or another, by words, by actions or sometimes, by both, some intentional and some accidental, none of us have walked through this life unscathed, yet He has given us a way to move forward, without carrying those burdens around with us.

Corpses ~ That is what G calls them, he is forever telling me to stop carrying around the corpse, cut the cord that attaches it to me and leave it right there.

You can't do that without forgiving.

He forgave...

After being betrayed, falsely convicted, horribly beaten, spit upon, and unjustly nailed to the Cross, to die a horrific death, Jesus, the Son of God, carried no hatred for His tormentors but instead, He offered them His forgiveness.

His first words from the Cross were "And Jesus Prayed, Father, Forgive Them, For They Know Not What They Do." Luke 23:34

Did they deserve His forgiveness after what they had just done?

No they didn't, however Jesus was kind and compassionate, even to the men who had just nailed Him to the Cross.

I will leave you with this:

Ephesians 4:31-32 ~ "Let All Bitterness, And Wrath, And Anger, And Clamour, And Evil Speaking, Be Put Away From You, With All Malice: And Be Ye Kind One To Another, Tenderhearted, Forgiving One Another, Even As God For Christ's Sake Hath Forgiven You."

CHRIS AUGUST
7 Times 70 Times
I’ll Do What It Takes To Make It Right
I Thought The Pain Was Here To Stay
But Forgiveness Made A Way

Eliminate The Question Mark

2011-03-18T14:46:00.000-07:00

"But Without Faith It Is Impossible To Please Him: For He That Cometh To God Must Believe That He Is, And That He Is A Rewarder Of Them That Diligently Seek Him."

Hebrews 11:6

I know it has been a few days since I posted and I am sorry about that, just coming to terms with what life is offering now, along with work and everything else there is to do in a normal 24 hours.

In the past 2 weeks, some things within me have shifted, into a more peaceful realm and when I say peaceful, I mean I am so at peace, that I went to my Pastor recently to make sure I was "okay" in the head, so to speak.

People have asked before and again recently "How are you so calm with everything going on around you?"

Before I chalked it up to shock and the fog I protected myself with, now I know it is only Him...

Each step I take is another chance for my faith to grow and while it has taken me quite some time to get to this place, the journey has been worth it.

In the past few weeks, I have been watching a Pastor (not mine) on television, taking notes, rewatching certain episodes etc...

Trying to learn all I can, from whomever I can, before I do what He has called me to do.

In watching this Pastor, he said something recently that stayed with me... "Faith can't bypass the question mark."

Do you ever have one of those moments during the day when someone may say something or you may read something and BAM all of a sudden, pieces just start falling into place?

This was my moment, that one simple statement, spoken so nonchalantly in a sermon on (I think) fear...

I am pretty sure, lights started going off above my head, I think I almost heard a "ding ding ding" in the far away distance.

In that very moment, so many things started to make sense...

With that one little sentence, I could see exactly where I still had question marks, (sadly still too many question marks) I could also see where I once had question marks, I now had a solid, unshakable foundation, laid by His hands.

In order to get to this place, God had to strip my life of fear, emptiness, loneliness, unworthiness, undesirability, shame, and a whole slew of emotions.

Question marks I carried around inside of me during my life.

Question marks that only I could eliminate.

He could replace those emotions with His love, His strength, His mercy, His grace...

Only after I decided to let Him, only after I could honestly say, "Father, Please...I can't do it on my own."

In my complete brokenness ~

He wants me, completely...

He deems me completely worthy...

He set about healing me, completely...

He holds me close to Him, so completely close, I am learning to become one with Him...

He loves me completely...

Each area of my life, at one time or another, had a question mark, in order for Him to come in, I had to set about removing the mark...

So, you may be asking yourself, how do I do this?...

Trust in Him.

You eliminate the question mark and allow Him to put the punctuation where He deems necessary.

I have said it before and I will say it again ~

Where there is Faith, there is no Fear ~ Where there is Fear, there is no Faith.

I know first hand how hard it is to trust, when everything seems to be falling apart all around you, however you have to grab onto something and hold it for dear life...

Why not Him?

I will admit there have been times in the past two years where I didn't handle myself nor my situation, to my liking...

And some days there are still more questions than answers...

And there are still more tears than smiles...

And maybe, I took to one extreme, whereas others took a different route...

And maybe, when all is said and done, I am wrong...

However I would rather be wrong after I am dead, then wrong while I am alive and only find out I was wrong, after I die ~ Does that makes sense?

Maybe G is right, maybe I do think to much.

Regardless of if I do or if I don't, we all have question marks within our lives.

And in order to live in the complete fullness of Him, you have to learn how to remove them.

I will be the first to admit, it isn't easy and until you change your mindset, you will still fall back on the questions.

The whys?

The how could this happens?

The aren't I good enoughs?

The don't you love mes?

I know that none of those were proper English, however I am hoping you get the point I am trying to make. :)

In order to eliminate the question mark/s, you need to set your mind on Him.

Once a question arises (and yes, they will arise, sometimes numerous times during the day), be vigilant that the questions are there and find something to tell yourself that will push the questions aside...

I use a few different sentences and sometimes all I need to do is picture the Cross, knowing that what He went through is nothing compared to what I am going through.

Sometimes all I have is "He loves me" or "He overcame" and yes I will tell myself this over and over, until the question is gone.

I believe, that until you eliminate the question marks, you can't experience the full power of His love, mercy, strength and grace.

Yes you can feel bits and pieces here and there, however wouldn't you rather have all He has to offer you?

CASTING CROWNS
What This World Needs
Is A Savior Who Will Rescue
A Spirit Who Will Lead
A Father Who Will Love Them
In Their Time Of Need

Sacrifice For Him

2011-03-07T17:27:00.000-08:00

"All Go Unto One Place; All Are Of The Dust, And All Turn To Dust Again."

Ecclesiastes 3:20

Today is Fat Tuesday ~ Tomorrow is Ash Wednesday ~ The first day of Lent ~ 40 days until Easter (Sundays aren't included).

Lent is a time when many Christians prepare for Easter by observing a period of fasting, repentance, moderation and spiritual discipline.

Not all religions observe Ash Wednesday or Lent, mine however does.

The purpose is to set aside time for reflection on Jesus and how He suffered and His ultimate sacrifice, as well as His life, death, burial and resurrection.

Why 40 days?

Because, after He was baptized, Jesus fasted 40 days in the wilderness, otherwise known as the Temptation of Christ.

During the time He was in the desert, Satan appeared and tempted Him.

Once He refused each of the 3 temptations, Satan departed and the Angels came and brought nourishment to Him.

He did it to show total dependence upon God for life and everything.

And I have heard people complaining about giving up chocolate....

Sad.

Last year was my first time observing Lent and to be honest, I don't remember what I gave up and most likely it wasn't something that would draw me closer to Him...

It was probably something like soda, not a sacrifice by any means, however I didn't know what Lent truly meant and I was following along because it was something I was "supposed" to be doing during that time.

Pastor says it is time for Lent, time to give up something etc...

So I did it, because I am used to others telling me what to do and not making any effort to think for myself.

This year I actually put some thought into it, seeking out what it meant to really fast, to really repent and to truly sacrifice.

The whole point of this is to draw you closer to Him, to learn how to depend on Him for everything in your life.

The sacrifice should hurt, it should hurt enough to make you call out to Him, in order to get you over the hurdle.

The fasting allows you a greater appreciation for the poor and the hungry.

The almsgiving allows you to give financially or materially to others who are less fortunate than you.

The Lent season is a time to spend in prayer, reflection and repentance.

A time for soul-searching, facing great challenges and overcoming mistakes.

So what is it that I am seeking to learn in the next 40 days?

How to be more virtuous.

I am giving up defending myself, arguing my point and yelling to get my point across.

My Church considers fasting an important way to express sorrow, for sin and penitence for overindulgence in eating and drinking.

Lent is a very personal time for individuals, so the Church doesn't have specific guidelines where fasting is concerned.

I will also be following the Blood:Water Mission and whatever money I normally spend on beverages during the day will be set aside and sent to them after 40 days, which will then be used to drill wells in Africa.

A side note ~ You don't have to be religious to join the Blood:Water Mission, if you think it is something you would like to do, please feel free to go and check out their website.

So back to virtuous ~ Definition ~ Characterized by or possessing virtue or moral excellence; righteous; upright...

There is nothing virtuous about arguing, yelling or defending and I do all three at least once a day, I know some of you are most likely shaking your head or gasping, however I never claimed to be perfect. ;)

I defend my choices, which in turn becomes an argument, on whether my choices are correct, which in turn becomes a yelling match between myself and whomever I am arguing with.

I am not speaking just about family either, I am also speaking about my Church family, though I don't yell at them.

One way or the other, I will accept that this is my life, the choices I now make are going to determine my walk, my Faith, my happiness, my peace and ultimately where I will end up after all is said and done.

It isn't negotiable anymore and no one (except for Him) is going to be allowed to derail what He wants me to do, regardless of who they are.

However, the point can get across without yelling, without arguing and without defending.

Any point can come across in a kind and loving manner, not just on the choices I make, but on anything that brings a rise to my voice and somedays it could just be the fact that I had to wake-up after an almost sleepless night...

As today closes out and tomorrow is closing in, I look forward to learning how to be closer to Him, to seek Him in each and every breath I take, to feel His arms around me as I sleep and as I wake, to seek His wisdom, before I open my mouth, to find His strength, in the work my hands do, to see the beauty He paints for me each and every single day; In the sky, in new friends as well as old ones, in a weathered face, in a flower, in the smell of a raindrop, in the puffiness of a cloud, in the roar of the waves as they break along the shore, in the baby green leaves now being seen on the trees, in the kiss of a wind gust, in the gorgeous cardinal that followed me around on Sunday ~

He paid the ultimate sacrifice for you...

For me...

And think about this;

If you were the only person in the world to ever believe in Him, He would do it all over again.

What will you sacrifice for Him?

Isaiah 58:6-9 (The Message) ~ "This is the kind of fast day I'm after: To break the chains of injustice, get rid of exploitation in the workplace, free the oppressed, cancel debts. What I'm interested in seeing you do is: Sharing your food with the hungry, inviting the homeless poor into your homes, putting clothes on the shivering ill-clad, being available to your own families. Do this and the lights will turn on, and your lives will turn around at once. Your righteousness will pave your way. The God of glory will secure your passage. Then when you pray, God will answer. You'll call out for help and I'll say, 'Here I am.'"

MICHAEL W. SMITH
Why Is This So Hard To Believe
What Is Mine Is Mine To Freely Receive
Like The Changing Of Seasons
This Is The Beauty Of The Word
And For All That I Have Seen And Heard
Oh I Want To Come Home
Somehow I'll Make My Way - My Way Home To You

Lover Of My Soul

2011-02-28T13:01:00.000-08:00

"When You Pass Through The Waters, I Will Be With You, And Through The Rivers, They Will Not Overwhelm You. When You Walk Through The Fire, You Will Not Be Burned Or Scorched, Nor Will The Flame Kindle Upon You."

Isaiah 43:2 (Amplified Bible)

Whispers in the dark, tears flowing freely, fresh pain threatening to overtake you, to send you back to day one, all of your hard work to move forward, is now sitting on the threshold, balancing between starting over once again, or moving forward past the pain, to take that step once again into the unknown.

One simple word, uttered in anger can undo everything you have worked for, if you allow it.

That is how my Sunday started, before I made it out of the house for Church, I was in that abyss once again, questioning, hurt, weary...

My Sunday ended just as I began this post, whispering, in the dark, to my Father, why;

"Why are you allowing this to continue to go on? Why is any of this okay for me, your Daughter? I accepted the divorce, I choose to forgive the adultery - daily, every hour on the hour it seems, I opened my heart and accepted the calling You placed on it and whether or not I felt it was the best thing for me, I face it with joy, because I know You know what is best for me."

"What I don't understand is how You can sit back and watch all this unfold."

Selfish it may seem, however I want to see Him...

Not just in the sunrise and sunset nor in the flowers that bloom or the rain that falls...

I want to feel Him near me, to hear His voice whispering within my soul, to see the love I know He has for me, reflecting in His eyes, as I gaze on His face, to feel the healing touch of His hand, to see myself, the way He sees me...

I need this so desperately and I thought that none of this would be available to me until I was already dead...

Once again, I was so very wrong, as I usually am when I think about what it is that He can truly do.

Because I am human, I think in human terms, we all do, I am a level-headed person most of the time and I think along those lines...

I am not a spirit, and I can't always fathom what He can do, on any given day.

I have felt Him at the Altar, in the Sanctuary, in the car, near me when I cry out to Him, but I have never felt Him the way, He allowed me to feel Him today.

The room was semi-dark, reflections running through my mind, not quite sure I wanted to face what this new day held for me, nerves stretched so tight, I almost feel like I am going to shatter into a million pieces at any given moment, fighting back the tears that always seem to be, right on the verge of spilling over, every since this trial began...

Take a deep breath, back straight, get ready to face the day, "suck it up," I tell myself as I got ready for work, my eyes began to mist over, though I know these aren't tears that are falling, it is something different, "maybe I am having a stroke," I say to myself, as a blinding light enters my line of sight at the same time a powerful feeling comes over me...

The room seems to fade away, yet I can see where I am and I also know I am not alone, I began to wonder if I was dying and as my breath caught in my throat, I could feel the pressure of His hand, laying right on my heart...

The light is so bright I want to close my eyes, but I can't, I can see the room around me, yet I can't move, almost like watching a train wreck, you just have to see what is going to happen next...

I can't see a face but I can feel this intense love envelope me, a love so powerful and so complete, I want to cry...

I feel a pressure on my chest, right where my heart lies and as I looked down, that was when I realized...

My God, my Father, the lover of my soul, is standing in front of me, with His hand completely covering my heart, with His love flowing all around the room, drowning me in it and I can hear Him whisper 2 words ~ "Be Still."

In an instant, the pressure from His hand is gone, the room comes back into view and I am left reeling...

It couldn't have been more than 1 minute, and as the sounds of reality came crashing back, I stood there wondering if I am losing my mind, if the past two years have finally caused me to crack under the stress...

My head feels fine, there aren't any hidden cameras in the room as if someone was playing a joke, there is no mist, no extra lighting...

Just a normal room...

And as I do an internal check within my mind and body, I get to my heart and once again the memory of that pressure is there, yet something has shifted, love is the first thing I feel there, not the pain, noth the weariness, not the hurt, just a love that feels so pure and so intense and so very complete.

As I take note of this, I hear those 2 words once again ~ "Be Still"

CHRIS TOMLIN
You Are There, In Every Season Of My Soul
You Are There, You're The Anchor That Will Hold
You Are There, In The Valley Of The Shadows
You Are Faithful, God

Behind The Veil

2011-02-26T12:00:00.000-08:00

"Two Are Better Than One; Because They Have A Good Reward For Their Labour. For If They Fall, The One Will Lift Up His Fellow: But Woe To Him That Is Alone When He Falleth; For He Hath Not Another To Help Him Up."
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

People come in and out of our lives, each and every single day, some staying for a short while, some stay a longer length of time, each bring along the gift of friendship.

During my walk, one of the many lessons I have learned is to allow the ones who want to walk away, just walk, taking no offense to the loss.

I am secure in the knowledge that I am a good friend, loyal to a fault and could most likely write a book about secrets that have never been uttered, once shared, over the years.

Out of the friendships gained and lost, there are very few people who are allowed behind the veil of my heart...

That closely guarded, very private place, very rarely visited.

A place where you don't have to put on a mask, where you can be yourself one hundred percent of the time without fear of judgement, where you are safe.

I used to allow anyone to come in, always trusting, never questioning, seeing the good in each person, no matter how I was treated...

Naive?

Perhaps, however I would rather seek the good, no matter how hard it is to find, then to just always assume the worst or only look for the bad.

The past 2 years changed that.

Trust once broken, no matter who did it, is always hard to earn back; Love is harder to give, once tossed aside you become unsure, broken and scared to feel the depth of that hurt again.

As time passes on, the grip you keep on your heart lessens.

G was the first one who landed behind the veil and he earned that spot, trust me when I say, I put him through hell before I allowed a place to be open and with every breath I now take, I know I can trust him.

He didn't throw his hands in the air and discard me nor my feelings, on the contrary, he dug his heels in even deeper then mine and wouldn't budge, still won't and I am very grateful for him.

He makes me laugh, he makes me cry, he makes me think (too much in his opinion) and he helps me to keep areas I want to keep and discard other areas.

A big brother I never had, though wouldn't trade for all the diamonds in the world.

There is a new person behind the veil now, one who kind of snuck in.

Brought together by Him, on the paths of one another to learn how to open up a little more, to trust a little more, to live a little more.

The people I keep close to my heart are ones who can help bring me closer to Him - Ones I count on the help strengthen my Faith - Because I know the enemy is close by, ready to pounce at any given second, I don't have time to play games, I need to know that these I hold dear, are walking the same walk as I am.

Just like G, Matt allows me to just be me. Secure in his walk with Him, he has brought a new dimension to my walk; Teaching me how to rise above the storm, to call on Him no matter how I feel emotionally and the greatest lesson of all, God doesn't want a perfectly happy me, He wants all of me, broken and confused, bruised and hurt, happy and healthy, sad or angry...

Every aspect of me, all day, every day.

I see the hand of God in the sunrise and in the sunset, on the snow dusted mountaintops and the stars that twinkle in the night sky, I see Him with the falling leaves of Autumn and with the new buds of Spring, each morning I wake, blessed with His new mercy, I see His hand, but to witness it so intimately, with the people He has placed on my path, is enough to bring me to my knees and place tears in my eyes.

He loves me so much, He never allows me to be alone, so much so, that He plucked people out of their comfort zone and planted them securely on my path.

If you are as blessed as I am, never take that for granted.

Love, honor and cherish those He placed behind the veil of your heart...

He truly does know what He is doing, even if we can't understand it.

Come meet my friend Matt, you won't be disappointed, just click on his name and let his words envelope you...

You will be blessed, just like I am.

MERCYME
The Lord Bless And Keep You
May His Face Shine Upon You
And Be Gracious And
Give You Peace

Bandaged By A Divine Hand

2011-02-15T21:10:00.000-08:00

"The Sacrifices Of God Are A Broken Spirit: A Broken And A Contrite Heart, O God, Thou Wilt Not Despise."

Psalm 51:17

I remember when I was about 6 or 7 years old, I was riding my bike in the road, with my head down, peddling as fast as I possibly could, right into a parked car.

I wasn't hurt too badly, except I remember my knee was tore up, bloodied and bruised, I rushed home seeking one of my parents to fix it up for me...

One of them (I can't remember who) cleaned up my wounds, put a bandage on me and set me on my way, with the orders to ride my bike with my eyes forward and not down...

Later on, my wounds would be re-dressed with the words to not mess with the bandages because that would prolong the healing.

I was a kid, and I will admit I didn't listen, I would remove that bandage to see the wound, which at the time covered almost my whole knee...

Each time I pulled that bandage off, the healing would be delayed, the bleeding would start once again and I most likely would have been talked to, about messing with it time and time again.

Leave it alone and allow it to heal I would hear...

Stop messing with it or you are going to have a scar...

Some things never change and yes, I do have a scar, about an inch long, right on top of my kneecap.

The pain that comes with adultery is unlike anything I have ever experienced...

A complete shattering from within, leaving an invisible wound that scars your very soul.

You can't slap a bandage on a wound that deep, though I know people who have tried...

They drink, jump from bed to bed, abuse drugs, hide themselves off from the world etc...

Anything to stop from feeling that wound, a pain so deep, it literally takes your breath away.

I have learned that the trauma from betrayal, has similar symptoms to post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and the element of amnesia and dissociation are likely to be greater, the betrayal goes deep enough to produce a broken heart, with that it will also open the doors of absolute distrust.

Proverbs 4:23 ~ Above All Else, Guard Your Heart, For Everything You Do Flows From It.

Our heart, guides and directs all that we do, the words we speak are formed in our heart, before they leave our mouths, who we are in Him, is being formed in our hearts.

A broken heart can hinder your relationship with Him, I can say this because I allow it to hinder my walk as well, as much as I hate to admit that.

Instead of giving Him each broken piece, I thought I could handle it on my own...

Thinking to myself, since I am so smart and worldly, I will give Him some, and I will keep the rest and we will see which one of us can fix me quicker, as if this was some kind of contest that I even had a chance of winning.

Ha ~ I should be smacked sometimes when I am left to think on my own. :)

My bandage?

I didn't really had one other than avoidence, stuffing down the most hurtful words, the most painful memories, the flashbacks, the mind movies...

If I didn't allow myself to feel or deal with that, I was fine...

However, I was far from fine and the past few days have been a very humbling lesson for me.

He allowed me to get so far, to think I actually had a chance to heal on my own, until He kindly knocked me upside my head...

I don't say that in a bad way, I truly believe He will allow us to get to a certain point and He can see it isn't working quite the way it should, so something will come into your path, to make you stop and actually realize, you aren't doing it the way He has designed.

Just like a parent.

I sat in court last week, face to face with the man I married 21 years ago, the man who almost single handedly destroyed me.

We sat at a round table, across from one another, looking everywhere but at each other, not a word spoken between the two of us, him puffed up in anger so apparent, I could feel it coming off of him...

As I sat there, stealing glances at him, wondering who he was, what was he thinking, if he was really happy, if this was really happening and yes a part of me wondered if I could just strangle him and get away with it right there in the court room, I was reminded of something I heard not so long ago...

"An old Indian man was talking to his young grandson. "There are two wolves inside every man, a good one and an evil one. They are fighting all the time, tearing each other to pieces, until only one remains," the old man said. "And so which one wins?" the little boy asked. "The one you feed" was the answer.

I didn't understand it when I first heard it, now I do...

He chooses to feed the evil, I choose to feed the good...

His choices are an extremely poor reflection of the man I used to know, a life filled with twisted religion, sin reigning supreme, seeking whatever he can, to fill whatever happiness he is looking for.

My choices are the exact opposite of his, I haven't dated nor do I really have an inclination to do so at this time, I try to live as the Book says I should and there are days I stumble, badly, however I do know right from wrong and I will not allow the enemy to win my soul, no matter how many times I fall.

I pray for him, for His will in his life and there are days I actually utter her name in prayer...

It isn't often though and I know it should be, however I have a very hard time distinguishing between her the "good Church going, Christian woman" he says she is and her the "homewrecking troll" I know her as...

In my mind, those two statements shouldn't be uttered about one person...

You are either good or you are not, there is no in-between...

You can be bad and become good or vice versa, however there isn't a shade of gray where adultery is concerned.

In my opinion it is a black and white issue, choices were made, hearts were shattered and the pieces scattered to almost every end of the Earth.

Adultery has got to be one of the most painful things to live through, however you can live through it, you can move past it and not allow it to define you.

Does it define me as a person?

No, it allows me a deeper understanding for the pain a person can actually handle, without breaking under the extreme pressure of it.

It allowed me a chance to find myself, a chance to see what human beings are truly capable of and a chance to run back to Him.

Once I gave Him all the pieces, He then was able to bandage my broken heart, His way, not with bandaids, not with a needle and thread, not with staples...

With His Divine Hand, He holds my heart, each and every single piece, and with His love showering down on me, each day the hole becomes just a little bit smaller, the pain just a little less severe then it was yesterday.

I am slowly learning, it takes a Divine Heart to heal a broken heart.

MARK SCHULTZ
Yes, I Have Been There
I Know What Pain Is All About
I Have Been There
And I Am Standing With You Now
I Have Been There
And I Came To Build A Bridge Oh
So This Road Could Lead You Home
Oh I Have Been There

Calling On You

2011-02-09T15:48:00.000-08:00

"Dearly Beloved, Avenge Not Yourselves, But Rather Give Place Unto Wrath: For It Is Written, Vengeance Is Mine; I Will Repay, Saith The Lord."

Romans 12:19

Tomorrow morning is my first court date. I have known about it for quite some time, but didn't want to dwell and worry myself sick like I normally do.

However the day is almost at hand, so I am here, calling on you, for a quick prayer request.

As I stamp down the fear that is threatening to grip me, His will is all I am asking for.

I will keep you updated and thank you my friends.

Beautiful Heart

2011-02-08T10:16:00.000-08:00

"Fear Not [There Is Nothing To Fear], For I Am With You; Do Not Look Around You In Terror And Be Dismayed, For I Am Your God. I Will Strengthen And Harden You To Difficulties, Yes, I Will Help You; Yes, I Will Hold You Up And Retain You With My [Victorious] Right Hand Of Rightness And Justice."
Isaiah 41:10 (Amplified Bible)

We all have hurt in our lives...

The "how" doesn't matter, just know that it happens.

Some hurts are small; a confrontation with your boss, a cross word with your spouse, a bad day in general etc...

Some hurts are huge; death, a marriage breaking up, a foreclosure on the family home, bankruptcy etc...

Pain is pain.

In the last few weeks I have been studying hurt and how it can be used to benefit our lives.

When your heart has been broken, when all you have ever believed in is taken away from you, when you wake up one day and you have belief in nothing and quite frankly don't know which way to turn, that is when you decide to sink even deeper or you will choose to rise from the ashes.

Now, you can't allow your heart to harden towards others, you can't say you won't trust again or you won't love again or you won't allow anyone to come into your life again etc...

I have said it and I was adamant when I stated it - I would never, ever allow anyone to hurt me the way my husband did, and right then and there, the walls went up, (I am certain others in the same situation have said it and done it as well).

The easiest way to never be hurt again, is to close your heart off to other people, erect a shield around your heart, keeping people at arms length, walking through life with an invisible wall, surrounding yourself off from getting to close or allowing others to get to close.

That was the path I wanted to choose, that was the best way to keep my heart from ever feeling pain again.

However, I wasn't made that way, and even with a mask, I couldn't be that cold and heartless to people, I would have to much guilt within.

It didn't happen overnight.

I kept that pain and that hurt in a tight fist and wasn't going to release it, no matter what...

Yet, He continued to place people in my life, some were here for a little while, some are still here, some are new, some are old, some haven't even been met...

Each one of them came in with a tiny chisel, making tiny cracks along the wall I erected.

Is the wall completely down?

No, but it isn't as high as it was 2 years ago.

I admit, I tried to be something I wasn't.

To only give a very small part of myself to others...

That isn't how He made me, I was made to give all my heart to each person in my life, what you do with it, is your business, because I will no longer allow the fear of being hurt, to rule in my life.

When you fear something, there is a level of unbelief, where there is unbelief, there is a lack of Faith, where there is a lack of Faith, there is now an opening for the Enemy to come in.

Once you allow that small window to open, he is going to come in with a vengeance.

Your mind, is the battle ground where spiritual warfare begins.

So why do you think we get hurt?

Why does it seem like some of have to face certain trials, whereas others seem to breeze through life?

Why are some lives filled with seemingly endless amounts of pain?

Where is God when all this is going on and most importantly why is He allowing it to happen?

To harden your beautiful heart.

I know some of you may be wondering where I am going with this, maybe wondering if I have finally gone off the deep end?

No such luck. :)

Some of us are to soft, so He puts a shield around us, He allows us to go through things to harden us.

He needs to harden us to the difficulties of life, to be able to place the shield of Faith around us, so that when we are down the road and something else comes along to rock our world, the sting of the dart doesn't hurt as bad as it did before.

Think back to before you knew Him, or right at the beginning of your walk with Him...

You were like clay that hadn't been through the fire yet, soft, easily torn.

I can look back on my life and see, have mercy, where I was so soft.

I allowed others to dictate my steps, I wore my emotions on my sleeve, easily hurt by a look or a word, scared to breathe without someone telling me to, with each fire I faced, my heart became a little harder, a little stronger.

No longer weak, no longer on my face crying each and everyday, no time to give up anymore.

As you keep on walking through the furnace, keep looking forward, just keep on doing what you know you need to do, and one day you will wake up and realize, you aren't as soft as you used to be...

You realize that God has hardened you to the difficulties of life, in a good way.

You can't hurt me like you used to.

I am able to do what I need to do, because He has strengthened me, He has hardened me and He has removed my fear.

5 years ago, I wouldn't walk out the door on my own, I wouldn't shower if I was alone in the house, I twisted myself into knots trying to please everyone in my life and fear ruled me...

2 years ago, my world as I knew it was torn out from under me, and with that tear, came more fear than I have ever known in my life, more people pleasing than any one person should ever have to deal with...

Because I was so afraid to lose anyone else in my life, I clung to them like they were a lifeline, which in turn caused me to lose some others, which brought about even more fear, more sadness, trying to please the ones left even more etc...

Like a vicious cycle set on repeat...

Until one day, I realized I'd had enough.

I realized I am a good person, and if you don't like what you see within me, that is your problem and I will no longer own that.

I knew then and there, that I would never be able to please everyone and I had to get off that ride, because all it did was cause even more hurt.

I am not a bad person, I may have some traits that others don't like and now I can say that is okay with me, because I have never claimed to be perfect, however in order to get to that conclusion, I had to walk through the fire before the lesson was learned.

I didn't face each fire with any form of dignity, I am almost ashamed to admit...

I laid blame, I cursed, I cried, I pleaded, I raged, I hated, I gave up etc...

Yet each one brought with it a valuable lesson, and in turn I became a little more stronger than the previous fire.

I learned who I can trust, I learned how valuable a true friendship is, I learned to love and honor myself, I learned how much He loves me.

I have been amazed at watching Him work in my life through other people, from all walks of life and I love each and every one of them.

I love what they bring in my life and I love what I can bring to theirs.

The only walls I have up, are the ones He erected, ones to protect His child from any unnecessary pain, I have His shield surrounding my heart, which is exactly how I want it to be.

His strength, is why I am still standing here today, His trust in me, is why I am able to trust once again, my worthiness in His eyes, is why I am open to the people He places in my life, His love, is why I am able to breathe each morning.

Because He strengthened me and hardened me to the difficulties of life, I am able to look at each new day as a perfect gift from Above, treasuring what each day holds, not taking any of them for granted anymore, and loving each moment as if it is my last.

Once I was able to let go of "self" and allow Him to take over, then I was able to see past my own pain and started to look at what He was doing for me.

In my darkest hours, His hand is what was holding mine, in the depths of my pain, His arms were surrounding me, in the nights I laid on the floor and cried until I just couldn't cry anymore, He was wiping my tears....

He loved me, no matter what was going on, no matter what I have done in the past or what I will do in the future, He shaped my heart, He molded what you see now and I am so thankful for each and every fire He allowed me to walk through.

With life, you will have pain, you will be hurt and you will have difficulties, however if you allow Him to control each aspect of it, no matter the pain, no matter the circumstances, no matter the trial and no matter the tribulation, you will emerge victorious and one day you will be able to look within and realize what a beautiful heart He has blessed you with.

MERCYME
He's Come To Save The Day
What I've Learned In My Life
One Thing Greater Than My Strife
Is His Grasp

The Power Of Approval

2011-02-03T14:19:00.000-08:00

"Am I Now Trying To Win The Approval Of Human Beings, Or Of God? Or Am I Trying To Please People? If I Were Still Trying To Please People, I Would Not Be A Servant Of Christ."

Galatians 1:10

"Do these pants make my butt look fat?"

"Do you like the way I rearranged the living room?"

"How is your dinner?"

"Do you like my new haircut?"

And the questions go on and on and on.

Have you ever uttered one of these or something similar?

That makes two of us.

It is called seeking approval and if you are seeking approval from anyone other than Him, it can lead to sin.

By seeking approval or acceptance from others, it steers you off the path of seeking His approval, onto a path of people pleasing.

For as long as I can remember, I seek approval and acceptance for just about everything I do, and if you asked me why, I couldn't even give you a reason, I just do.

This is a source of contention within myself, as well as with others around me and I am certain there is a healthy balance between coming across with a "don't care" attitude and a "do what ever anyone wants, so as to keep the peace" attitude.

Why do we walk around with a need of validation from each person we come in contact with during the day?

Why do we allow ourselves to be vulnerable to the whims of others?

Why can't we just accept ourselves for what we are?

For what He made?

I want people to like me, I admit that and not just a select amount of people, all people.

Weird, since I am not a huge people person to begin with.

If I find out someone doesn't, it isn't a pretty process that goes on within me.

Usually I will start with some form of downgrading that I heap upon myself, such as I should have said something differently or worn something different or laughed at something I didn't laugh at, or I admonish myself for laughing when I shouldn't etc...

Next up, self-doubt comes creeping along, and with self-doubt comes the tearing down of my self-esteem, then come the seemingly endless questions and by the end of the cycle, I am beat.

All because someone may or may not like me.

Because I don't believe in myself, I seek out others to reinforce me, to believe in me.

The downside to this is that until I can believe in myself, none of what others will say is going to matter, because the one person who should believe it (me) doesn't.

In the past few weeks, I have learned a valuable lesson...

The most important thing about seeking the approval of others, is that the approval is already hidden within you, you just don't want to believe it, so you are looking for someone else to tell you, what you already know.

Whether it is you did a good job at work, you lost some weight, you cooked a great dinner, you are beautiful or you are handsome, or you cleaned the bathroom really well this week etc...

Ask yourself, "Does He approve?" and "Do you approve?" (of whatever it is you are seeking the approval for) and then stop right there...

That is it.

His and yours.

Now, someone may come along and say something that contradicts with what you think and the next thing that should pop in your head is this ~

Who cares?

There is your first step to gaining confidence within yourself.

I remember when I started this blog, about 3 years ago and all I cared about were how many people would respond in the comment section, talk about a self-inflated ego...

I didn't care what the comments were, just that I had some, and once I started getting them and realized how mean some people can be, I never wanted another comment on my blog again.

Some of the emails/comments I would get weren't so kind and I took it personally, as an attack on the whole of me and not just a very small aspect of me.

I had to go back to the beginning of my blog recently, to help a friend with some upheaval that has been going on in her life and I knew that some things I had previously written would be beneficial to her and as I was searching some of my older posts, I had to shudder at times.

I won't say my writing was awful, however it was very self-involved, which in turn showed me how self-involved I truly was a few years ago, I started this blog to figure out where He fit in my life and in the beginning I barely spoke about Him.

The quickest way to build your confidence, is to stop seeking the approval of others.

This has been a conversation point with my sister and G quite a few times in the last week, because they both want me to seek the approval of Him and myself and no one else.

Two days ago, as I was heading home from work, I noticed a new sign up at a Church near my house and on the sign in black and white was the following ~

"The Greatest Failure In Life Is Trying To Please Others."

See how He works?

He could see my struggle with this, allowed me to flail around for a bit and only then did He answer.

The power of His approval is the only approval you should be seeking.

You can run around and continue to ask each person until you get the answer you want, which could lead to you becoming angry, frustrated and sad, or you can stop and just go to the One who already knows you.

You know right from wrong and as a Christian, there is a living Voice within you, one that pricks your heart when you are about to do something questionable...

That same Voice is also there to tell you that you did a good job today, that you are indeed beautiful, that you are indeed handsome, that you made a great meal, that you are talented, that you are gifted, that you are worthy, that you are so very loved.

That is the only approval you will ever need.

Sidenote ~

I know the pictures don't "go" with my post...

If you don't know what type of trees they are, these are Joshua Trees...

A tree that represents, triumph in the face of hardship.

Beautiful.

KRISTIAN STANFILL
Day After Day, Our God Is Reigning
He's Never Shaken, My Hope Is In The Lord
Time After Time Our God Is Faithful
Trustworthy Savior, My Hope Is In The Lord

Rainbows, Unicorns and Sunshine

2011-02-02T19:07:00.000-08:00

"Keep On Loving One Another As Brothers And Sisters"

Hebrews 13:1

Another night, another knock on my door at some unholy hour.

So I peek my head out of my room and who should it be?

My sister, again.

That is twice in less than 3 days that she has taken it upon herself to wake me up just so we can "talk."

No wonder I don't feel like I ever get any sleep.

The subject this time ~ Her, or should I say, how she was portrayed in my last post...

Funny, I didn't even know she read my blog...

Mental note to go private once I am done with this post. :)

Dude, seriously, there is nothing in this world that needs to be discussed at the times you are waking me, unless of course there is blood or a trip to the ER is involved...

Let me sleep.

Yes, I put that there just because I know she is going to be reading it sometime in the near future.

The conversation started off sweet with her proclaiming I had one of the purest hearts of anyone she has ever known - Sidenote to G ~ She loves me :)

Next words I heard were, "I read your blog" (and has been reading it for most likely a year now) which in turn caused me to stammer out "What blog?"

In her opinion, I made her sound cold and that wasn't my intention.

I do not set out to intentionally hurt people and when I find out I did, guilt becomes my best friend.

"You read it wrong," was my response.

"I read it the way you wrote it," she says.

My intention was to show the difference between the two of us, my admiration for her and how she deals with what life throws at her, how I wish I could be just a little more like her and a little less like me.

So I am here to publicly apologize for making her out to be cold and mean, that was never my intention.

She is my baby sister and whether we fight like cats and dogs, whether she doesn't get me and I don't get her, I would never set out to hurt her feelings.

Upon completion of our talk, she then issued me a 27 day challenge.

A challenge to live like her for all of February, one single day at a time.

To not worry about tomorrow or next week or 2 weeks from now.

To live just for the day at hand and to appreciate what I am "in" right now.

$100 bucks is on the line from her, if I win, I haven't decided her fate yet if she loses HA!

I worry to much about the future she says and I don't live for today.

So I accepted the challenge.

Do you have any idea how hard that was for me today?

To not think about anything other than the moment at hand.

It was ROUGH and quite frankly I am not sure I liked it...

What am I without worry?

To my sister K ~

I may not agree with you at times, I may not like you at times, I may do things that you don't agree with and you may not like me at times, however all that aside, I do love you.

You have a spirit with no fear, and I only wish I could have that.

There are days when I would like nothing more than to slap you silly and I know you have those same feelings for me as well. :)

If I hurt your feelings, I am sorry.

The difference in our age has always shown, until recently...

The past two years have been nothing short of a walk through hell for me, however I am thankful you have been here for it ~ I love you always.

Whether you agree with my choices or not.

Now, stay off my blog! :) :)

BRANDON HEATH
Well The Thing I Find Most Amazing
In Amazing Grace
Is The Chance To Give It Out
Maybe That's What Love Is All About

Who Are You?

2011-01-31T12:50:00.000-08:00

"Come To Me, All You Who Are Weary And Burdened, And I Will Give You Rest."

Matthew 11:28

Have you ever been so tired that you just want to crawl into the corner and cry yourself to sleep?

I felt like that last night, or should I say very early this morning.

My sister woke me up about 11pm last night, wanting to talk, so we went out into the garage so as not to wake anyone else.

My sister and I have a love-hate relationship, I am 5 years older than her and we don't always get along very well.

We never have.

Working together is one thing, now that we live together as well, there is a different dynamic there, that is almost combustible on any given day, most likely, because we don't have a chance to leave one another for a breather.

She abhors what the past 2 years have done to me and I am not a fan of how she lives her life.

We are complete opposites in almost every aspect.

She is all about the sunshine and rainbows and unicorns and life is great and never cares what anyone thinks of her, while I am more prone to the darker side of life. (They don't refer to me as the Princess of Darkness for nothing and yes, I am trying to outgrow that label.)

She is forceful, she does what she wants, when she wants, without a care in the world.

I am the peacekeeper and each move I make now, is with the precision of a master chess player.

She can walk into a room, not know a soul and leave with 25 new best friends.

I can walk into a room, not know a soul and leave the same way I came in.

I am the oldest and she is the baby, and there is a brother in between us.

Sadly, this isn't how I used to be and that is a huge source of contention and conflict between us.

I used to be just like her (minus the sunshiney, happy, happy, joy, joy mentality).

She can be the best friend in the world or your worst enemy and she takes no prisoners, life is to be enjoyed at that exact moment in time and no use worrying about next week, next month or next year.

In her opinion, I worry to much about the future and am teetering on the verge of not living any more.

In 2 years, I have sunk more within myself than she has ever known and she can't believe the sister she used to know would allow a man to destroy me in that way.

That was one of the things that she wanted to talk to me about last night, there was also the "lack of a backbone", the "what is wrong with you?" and my all time favorite "who are you?"

Now, I have answered all of these things over and over and over again, yet for some reason people think if they keep asking me the same things over and over and over again, my answers are going to change....

A funny thing happened last night, after talking for almost 3 hours, some of my answers changed.

"Who are you?" I have heard this a lot in the past 2 years and I always have the same answer, "I am me" to which I get the same response, "No, you aren't. The you I know, would never have bowed down in this manner."

What does that mean?

I fought for my marriage, I fought for my sanity, I fought for what I believe in, I fought to keep my faith, I fought the only way I knew how, in the face of adultery and abandonment - how is that bowing down?

I am the only me I know how to be and that just doesn't seem good enough for some people.

So I slip back into old habits, place a mask on and try to be who I am not.

I try to be more forward and end up apologizing for it, I try to be a stronger person and end up guilt ridden, I try to fight the tears and the anger that wells up within me and end up losing it, I fight fear on a daily basis because that is all I know how to do, I try to be everything to everyone and fail miserably in the process.

At the end of the day, I am emotionally wrecked, clinging to the Cross as if my life depends on it, because quite frankly at this point in time it does.

By the end of the week, I feel as I have been put through an emotional Cat 5 hurricane and I wonder how much longer I can do this.

I don't need anyone else to tell me who I am, to tell me how to feel, to tell me how to act, to tell me how I should react, to tell me what to wear or what to eat or what to watch on TV or what to listen to on the radio, or when to go to sleep or when to get up or when to shower or when to breathe.

Just leave me be.

I am desperately trying to figure out where my next step is going to land and I don't need anyone telling me where to place it.

You may feel I haven't made any strides in the past 2 years, but inside, I know I have.

I know a lot of people in real life and online who don't agree with the methods I have taken, that is fine because this is my life.

I know what I want out of it, I am just unsure how to reach it, however unless I ask you, don't tell me where to place my foot.

I know some of you there and here don't agree with the level of forgiveness I have granted my soon to be ex-husband and that is fine as well, however what makes your level better than mine (and vice versa)?

I can't live drenched in the cloak of bitterness and hatred and anger and revenge.

I get that you would have made different choices, however, like I have said before, instead of telling me I am wrong, you should be on your knees thanking Him that He put these shoes on me and not you.

The bottom line is this ~ If you have never walked even close to this path, you do not know what you would do.

You can say you would do this or you would do that, however given the opportunity, I can almost guarantee that you wouldn't act the way you say you would.

You know why I can say that?

Because I also said it, because He allowed me to almost drown due to it and my actions aren't anywhere near what I used to say they would be.

"Do you think I am happy about the past 2 years?"

"I am not," I told her at about 1:30am.

I have done more second guessing in 24 months than I have ever done in my entire life and I despise living like that.

I despise saying one thing, thinking it over for a few minutes and going back and saying I'm sorry.

I am all about forgiving others, but asking for forgiveness, because I am unsure how something will be taken, tears at my soul.

I despise that I have torn apart each and every aspect of my life to see where I went wrong in order to have some semblance of normaly over the fact that my husband cheated on me.

I despise that he made me feel so unworthy and so unloved that I can barely breathe when I stop and think about it.

I despise feeling so lost and so weary and so very alone.

Then she says something I never would have expected to come out of her mouth in a million years ~

"You wouldn't be the person you are now, without having gone through the past 2 years, have you ever thought about that?"

Yes, daily.

You see, she can say these things to me, because she wore these shoes about 5 years ago, when her husband of 10 years did almost the same thing.

Unlike me though, she did what she said all along she would do, and kicked him to the curb.

In her mind, she is stronger than me.

In my mind, she is just meaner.

She knows and has always known who she is.

I don't, because I allowed others to define who I was, and now that my definition has been taken from me, I am unsure of who I am.

The saddest part of that is, I don't know how to figure it out on my own.

The best part of that is, He has placed people in my life to help me figure it out.

And at about 2am, I laid my head down and as I was going through the conversation over again in my head, asking Him for some answers, seeking some clarity, I quieted my mind, blocked out the thoughts, just so I could hear from Him...

All I got was 2 words...

"Rest, Daughter."

I may not know who I am, I may be confused and anxious and impatient and weary...

Yet, He knows who I am, He knows what I have been and He knows what I am about to become.

CASTING CROWNS
Who Am I?
That The Eyes That See My Sin
Would Look On Me With Love
And Watch Me Rise Again.
Who Am I?
That The Voice That Calmed The Sea,
Would Call Out Through The Rain,
And Calm The Storm In Me.